Shake the Glitter Off

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Bill pulls the Audi smoothly in an open spot, shifting into park and turning off the ignition. “Is this the right place?” He asks quietly, leaning forward and peering out his windshield.

I nod, already gathering together my paperwork and my purse. “Yeah, it is. Are you sure you want to go in there?” I trail off a bit at the end, referring to Bill’s fame and reputation that is at stake here.

The last thing either one of us wanted is Bill to be photographed walking in and out of a pregnancy clinic with me at his side. It could ruin everything for him. And to have the press find out so early on in my pregnancy would only serve to make the next twenty-six weeks of our lives hellacious as they stalked and invaded our lives.

So after much debate, we decided that we could attend this physician’s appointment together. Bill dressed down completely—no make-up, hair pulled back and hidden under a beanie and sporting a pair of nondescript jeans and a red shirt under a leather jacket. He didn’t even really look like himself and the both of us are banking majorly on the hope that there wouldn’t be any TH fans in the gynecologist’s waiting room.

"Yes, I do," Bill pockets his keys and climbs out of the car, pushing the door shut and locking the car before he meets me on the sidewalk, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. “So what are they going to do?”

“Just check up on me and the twins,” I answer lightly as we walk indoors and head for the elevators. A morbid voice in the back of my head pipes up that this is the exact same place Cara went to while she was pregnant with Ava. My heart clenches painfully in my chest at the thought of my cousin and I physically shake myself to banish those pesky tauntings in my head.

Bill presses the button for the elevator and looks at me curiously as we wait for the doors to open for us. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I offer him a weak smile and shake my hair out of my eyes. “I just had a little pressure here,” I motion at my belly vaguely. “Are you excited?”

Bill hesitates, looking torn between answering my question and prodding further to see what is really the matter with me. Eventually, however, his entire face breaks out into a wide, toothy grin and he nods while the elevator doors ping open. “I am excited. You’ve already seen them, but this is my first time. It’s… weird,” He finishes up quietly as I lean over and press the level seven button.

“Weird how?” I inquire, arching an eyebrow up as we start to move. “Weird seeing them on the screen?”

He nods, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning back against the highly polished steel wall. “Well yeah. We’re going to see them and-and it’s going to make everything so real.”

“So my huge chest and bump means nothing to you?” I have to work hard to hide my smile, trying my best to appear unamused. But I fail miserably, my eyes sparkling happily and Bill catches on to that fact easily.

“It’s not like it means anything to me, especially when I can’t touch them,” He mumbles just as the doors open and we’re greeted with a bland white hallway once again.

My mouth falls open and I turn, smacking him lightly on the arm. “Bill!”

“What?” He laughs, rubbing at his arm as he smiles at me. “It’s the truth. I’m not allowed to touch your—“

“Because they’re sore,” My voice has risen several octaves as we step out of the elevator and start to make our way down the hallway. “That is not my fault. If I weren’t tired, it would be different.”

“I should make a mental note to ask the doctor when that ends,” Bill states matter-of-factly as he opens the office door and motions for me to enter first.

I pause for a moment, studying his face closely to see whether or not he’s serious. I can’t decide and we’re letting all of the warm air out, so I step inside and walk towards the receptionist’s desk purposefully. It takes me a few moments to confirm my appointment and sign in before I turn and spot Bill sitting quietly by a table full of magazines.

He’s looking down at them interestedly, his eyebrows drawn together as he frowns at them. I take the seat next to him and lean forward, trying to catch a glimpse of what he’s looking at. And then I spot the glossy photo of Bill and Tom on the cover of a gossip magazine with a bright yellow headline just underneath about their upcoming European tour.

“What are the odds?” He grins, settling back down in his seat and glancing over at me. “How many people can say that they’ve walked into a doctor’s office and found their face on one of the magazines?”

I want to reply that I have. Back in New York, after my nervous breakdown, both Cassidy and Nathan insisted that I see a psychiatrist and every time I walked into his waiting room, I saw my face plastered on the tabloids and if I was lucky, there would be someone reading the magazine and they would quickly make the connection before they’d try to sneakily take a photo on their cell.

I stopped going after a month. I hated that doctor and his stupid magazines more than anything else in the world. I always wanted to snatch the pages up and rip them into a million tiny pieces, all the while shouting that the press had it all wrong. That that was not my fault; I was lied to—not that anyone would believe me anyway. Everyone loves a good scandal.

“Hey,” Bill touches my knee lightly. “Don’t be sad. Be happy.”

I muster up a weak smile and shift in my seat, trying desperately to blink back the tears that have suddenly formed in my eyes. And then I’m angry with myself for getting this upset. This was the past for a reason. I need to get over it.

“He never deserved you,” Bill whispers in my ear softly, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me into him. “Alex is an asshole, but he led you to me. Every black cloud has a silver lining and yours happens to be me.”

A soft laugh bubbles up to my lips suddenly as I wipe at my eyes and look up at my boyfriend through my damp eyelashes. “Thanks,” I croak softly, biting down on my lower lip.

Bill reaches out and uses the tips of his fingers to rub away the smudged eyeliner on my face before he looks into my eyes and smiles widely. “It’s my job, isn’t it?”

I don’t get a chance to reply, because my name is being called from the door by a plump nurse dressed in pink scrubs. She smiles at me as I stand up and walk towards her, Bill just behind me. “How are you today?”

“I’m doing well, thank you. And yourself?” I ask as she leads us to an open area where there is a scale and a few chairs where blood is drawn.

“I’m good, thanks for asking.” She motions towards the scale with her free hand. “Let’s take your weight down, alright? How have you been feeling these past couple of weeks?”

“Decently,” I answer honestly, stepping up onto the black square and watching as she pushes the weights up and down the rod expertly. “I’ve just been so tired lately.”

“That’s normal; it should die down in the next couple of weeks. You’re fourteen weeks along, according to your charts. You’re in the last week of your first trimester,” She writes down my weight. “You gained seven pounds since last month.”

“Seven?” I repeat bewilderedly, sounding horrified. “Seven entire pounds?”

She glances down at my file in her hands. “Well almost eight, if we’re being technical.” She looks up and notices my devastated face. “Oh sweetheart, don’t fret over it. You’re pregnant with twins; this was expected. In fact, you’re doing really well for being nearly a fourth of the way through and only having seven extra pounds. I’ve seen girls in here who have already gained fifteen, twenty pounds by the end of their first trimester.”

I still can’t help the appalled twinges in my gut as I step down from the scale and tug halfheartedly on my shirt. I know weight gain is inevitable in pregnancy and obviously I knew that I was gaining a bit of weight, but to put a concrete number on it only serves to solidify and make the extra weight that much more real to me.

The nurse is still chattering as she leads us into an examination room and motions for me to have a seat. “Let me just take your blood pressure and then the doctor will be in with you shortly.” She wraps the band around my upper arm and within a few moments, she’s gone.

I look up at Bill, who’s peering at a sonogram machine concernedly, a frown on his face. He reaches out with hesitant fingers and touches the Doppler wand lightly. It rotates a bit before it falls out of the holder.

Bill swears softly, stooping down and picking it up. “I didn’t break it.”

“Let’s hope not,” I laugh, crossing my ankles lightly. “It would be horribly expensive to have to buy a new part for their sonogram machine.”

There’s a soft knock on the door and a young-looking woman walks into the room, shutting the door behind her softly as she reads through my file. And then she meets my gaze and unleashes a dazzling smile. “Hallo, I’m Dr. Sweeten. How are we feeling today?”

“Good,” I answer, watching Bill out of the corner of my eye. He’s sitting perfectly still in his chair and watching her with curious eyes.

“So are you excited to see the babies?” She asks, moving towards me and motioning for me to lay down before she pulls up my shirt, tucking the material up around my bra.

A grin slips onto my face as I realize that in just a few short moments we’re going to see the twins on the monitor to my left. “Yes, I am.”

“So have you seen them yet, Dad?” Dr. Sweeten asks conversationally, not even looking back at Bill as she starts to feel at my stomach with her fingertips.

Bill looks startled at being addressed as a father, but he quickly regains his composure and then nods. “No, I haven’t. I was working when Lily had her first sonogram.” His voice catches on the word ‘work’, though if the doctor noticed, she makes no comment.

“Well we’ll give you your first look at the babies in just a few minutes,” She calls back, pressing down gently. My stomach was soft just a few short weeks ago, but now it's beginning to get hard and starting to pull away from my body. It felt weird to me, though all of the pregnancy websites tell me that this feeling is completely normal. “So have you had any aches or pains or anything you’d like to ask me about? I know a lot of first time parents are concerned.”

I reflect back on the past month before I shake my head. “No. Everything has been pretty normal.”

“No morning sickness?” Dr. Sweeten asks, reaching for my hands and examining my slightly swollen wrists.

I shake my head as she moves for my feet, gently rolling up my jean leg and looking at my puffy ankles delicately. “No, no morning sickness.”

“Ah, you’re one of the lucky ones than,” She laughs, setting my leg back down and writing a few notes down on my chart. “I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of women who come in here who throw up twenty, thirty times a day.”

My stomach contracts at the idea of spending my entire day in front of the toilet. I couldn’t do it. “How do they function?”

“Well they don’t,” She answers easily, moving towards the machine and starting to type on the keyboard. “Until I prescribe them an anti-nausea medicine that helps them to keep their foods and liquids down. Now we’re going to take a look at the twins. Dad, do you want to come up here?” She asks, picking up a white bottle and shaking it. “Lily, I’m going to need you to roll your pants and underwear down under your hips.”

I do as she says before she squirts the warm gel onto my stomach and then picks up the Doppler wand and examines it closely. She blows on it, frowning a bit before she turns to me. “Sorry, there was some dust on it, which is funny because I used it not too long ago.”

Bill coughs into his fist as he stands on the other side of the bed before he slips his hand around mine and squeezes lightly. She puts the wide, flat probe against my skin and immediately, a woosh-woosh noise fills the room.

“Oh,” Bill inhales sharply, obviously not expecting the noise. “Is that?” He asks hesitantly, staring down at my stomach.

Dr. Sweeten nods, clicking with her mouse. “That’s the heartbeat of Baby A and here,” She moves the wand slightly and we hear a slightly higher pitched wooshing noise. “Here is Baby B. Both sound completely healthy,” She grins down at me before she picks up another wand and pushes it down onto my stomach. “Okay, so here,” She motions with her free hand. “There they are.”

This time, both Bill and I gasp at the same time. The last time I’d seen the twins was when I first found about my pregnancy and back then, the images had been blurry and hard to see. But now I could clearly see two babies on the screen.

I go over their profiles with glassy eyes, squeezing Bill’s hand so tightly that I’m sure I’m breaking a few fingers, but I can’t bring myself to care. I can see their tiny little noses and their little arms and torsos.

“A foot,” Bill manages to get out, his voice sounding distorted and thick, like he was trying not to cry in the middle of the room.

Dr. Sweeten smiles and moves the wand towards Bill, so we can see their tiny feet now on the screen. “They look healthy and happy, congratulations. You have two gorgeous children here.”

“Thank you,” I whisper as she begins to print out pictures, clicking rapidly around on the computer. “Thank you so much.”

She waves my words off easily, replacing the wand and handing me a towel so I can clean off my stomach. “It’s no problem. I’m glad they’re healthy and growing. Now do you want any prenatal testing done before birth? Because now is the time to do so, if you want any.”

“What do you mean?” Bill pipes up as I’m busy scrubbing the sticky gel off of my skin.

The doctor makes a vague rolling motion with her hands. “There’s testing for any possible genetic disorders that you think might be a concern, we can test to find out the genders if you’re impatient. Personally I wouldn’t recommend the testing unless you have a genuine reason to do so. I hesitate to give my patients the go ahead to have these done, because there is always a small risk factor while doing these tests.”

“Then I don’t want it,” I answer firmly, putting the towel in the plastic bin and sitting up. “We don’t have any reason for it to be done.”

Dr. Sweeten nods, writing quickly on my chart. “And that is perfectly okay. Now I noticed that your ankles and your wrists are a bit swollen, which means that you might be retaining a bit of water. This typically means that your body isn’t getting enough hydration, so be sure you’re drinking plenty of fluids, okay?” I nod and she continues speaking easily, handing Bill a stack of sonogram photos. “Do you have any questions or concerns?”

I glance over at Bill as I pull down my shirt before I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Okay, fantastic,” She picks up my file and smiles at the both of us. “The last thing that I want to do today is test your hemoglobin and your hematocrit. It shouldn’t take too long; it’s just a simple drawing blood thing. I’ll have the nurse come in to do that and you can be on your way. Congratulations once again, you two.” She offers us one last grin before she steps out of the room.

I turn to Bill, who is looking through the sonograms reverently, a tiny smile tucked on his face as he goes over the pictures once again. “They’re gorgeous, aren’t they?”

He jumps, not having realized that the doctor has left the room already. He nods, the smile amplifying on his face as he holds out one photo where the twins are in the exact same position, hands frozen halfway to their mouths. “They’re already imitating each other.” His voice sounds sad and wistful and I know that he’s thinking back on the mutual decision we made to put them up for adoption. Is he already having doubts and regrets?

My stomach drops a few inches and my smile falters as I reach up and tuck some hair back behind my ear. “It makes you wish they were here right now, doesn’t it?”

He nods and the door opens, revealing the same nurse who’d brought us back here. She’s carrying a little tray that has a few vials on it and I catch sight of a long silver needle. A whimper slips out before I can stop myself and immediately, Bill rises up and comes to my side, holding out his hands.

“Just look at me and it’ll be over before you know it,” He grins cheerfully as the nurse starts to tap at my veins to bring a few to the surface. Soon the smell of antiseptic is stinging the inside of my nose as she scrubs my skin raw and clean. “What do you want to eat for dinner tonight?”

“I don’t know,” I begin in a quiet voice, tensed and ready for the sting of the needle piercing through my skin. “I don’t care.”

Bill spins the ring on my finger idly, demanding my attention as I’m about to get stabbed. “Well do you have any particular requests? I know you were talking the other week about something spicy.”

I recall back a few days before my birthday when I was moaning about how all I wanted was something hot and spicy to appease the intense cravings that were sweeping over me. “I kindof want some—“ But I cut myself off as I feel a familiar pain in the crook of my arm.

Just as I go to jerk my arm away, Bill grabs me by the chin and tilts my head towards him, an innocent smile on his face. “You can’t look down there, because you’ll start to panic and I’m not about to let that happen. So shall we pick up Mexican tonight for dinner?”

“Sure,” I stammer, as a sharp pain races up my arm. Bill lets go of my face and I look down at my arm and I’m surprised to see that she’s already bandaging me up and there are two vials of dark red blood sitting on the tray, my name scrawled across them in slanting black script. “That didn’t really hurt.”

“I’m glad,” Bill answers softly as the nurse picks up her things and announces that we can check out now. “Now let’s go. Tomi is anxious to see the pictures.”

“You told him we were going?” I ask as we step to the check-out desk and I sign myself out before I pay the deductible and thank the receptionist politely.

He nods, holding my hand lightly as he guides me out of the doctor’s office and back towards the elevators. “Of course I did. I told him that we were planning on putting the twins up for adoption, too.”

“Oh,” I frown a bit as we arrive at the elevators. “What did he say?”

Bill shrugs, pushing the calling button. “He’s going to support us in whatever we do.”

For some reason, I don’t think that Bill’s telling me the whole truth, like Tom had said something else to him. But that’s none of my business and if Bill didn’t want me knowing, than I’m sure he had a perfectly good reason.

We step into the elevator and Bill presses the lobby button, whistling softly as we start to descend. I’m struck suddenly with the realization that I don’t have anyone to share my news with here in Germany. The only person who really cares is currently across the Atlantic Ocean and in New York City.

The one thing that’s keeping me here in Germany is Bill and even he’s going to leave me in a couple of weeks for his tour.

The excited feeling that had taken up residence in my chest upon seeing the twins up on the screen dies away and my smile falters as I struggle to keep up my cheerful face. I was beyond homesick for New York and I had been thinking about my little loft and my best friend a lot lately.

Maybe it was time for me to finally go home to New York City. Maybe it was time for me to leave Bill behind. Maybe it was time to admit that my life needs to move on, despite the fact that I was carrying two unplanned lives around with me.