Something Keeps Pulling Me Back
Slump.
Time with Jacob came and went for me; luckily I’ve learnt to not attach myself to people after Gerard.
Otherwise losing him would cut so much deeper than it already has.
But months have gone by and I’m learning to cope.
Although I don’t go to practise anymore the band is still coping and I usually just get my sheet music of Ray and we practise together.
I’ve fucked my life up a lot so far and I know I will continue to but I’m at the point of accepting I can’t pan my life out perfectly and to accept my mistakes ; even if I can’t fix them all.
Being alone isn’t that bad, I’m finally independent again I’m enjoying that I’ve shut off all emotions from the world I think all the drugs and hurt for that.
But I still do get torn about Gerard and it sickens me about the reason I do.
The latest reason I get upset is I miss his violence; I miss having someone to make me know my place cause it seems these days I get so lost and don’t know where I’m meant to be at.
I miss how he’d get angry and I would just know what I have to do, the pain he caused me made me feel loved; because I knew he wasn’t doing it to anyone else.
I will still be the only one he takes his anger out on; I hold that very, very close to my heart.
But isn’t that wrong?
Is it bad that I miss that?
I just don’t know anymore because I haven’t got any rules.
~
I let out a loud sigh and step from my chair, that’s enough thinking for now
I pace into the kitchen open the fridge and close it again.
I don’t need to put on any more weight.
I let my shoulders slump; today is gonna’ be a drag.
I pick up my 3000 year old Blackberry and open up Facebook, time for some stalking. As I flick through the news feed I take in everyone’s view on the world today; seems as I’m the only one stuck in a slump today
“ Ray Toro
off to the beach with Mikey & the girls then out clubbin’ “
*sigh* Life itself is just a major let down today.
As I judge my day to be horrible prematurely my phone vibrates.
“Duudeeee!” I say ecstatically
“Suppp?” His familiar voice replies.
“Just chillen, begging for a death wish.” I say with a halfarsed. ‘Hah’ on the end.
“Come out?” He suggests.
“Eh, I’m not dressed and haven’t washed my hair man.”
“I’m already outside your door man”
I sigh and stand up walking towards the door.
“I see you...” He adds on with a seedy voice on the end.
I roll my eyes and hang up the phone, as I open the door I see his braced smile.
I wave at him.
“Wow you do smell!” He says as he holds his nose.
I step back, some what hurt.
“I was only joking man.” He adds and pulls me into a hug.
"Shut up Joel!" I mumble into his shoulder.
Otherwise losing him would cut so much deeper than it already has.
But months have gone by and I’m learning to cope.
Although I don’t go to practise anymore the band is still coping and I usually just get my sheet music of Ray and we practise together.
I’ve fucked my life up a lot so far and I know I will continue to but I’m at the point of accepting I can’t pan my life out perfectly and to accept my mistakes ; even if I can’t fix them all.
Being alone isn’t that bad, I’m finally independent again I’m enjoying that I’ve shut off all emotions from the world I think all the drugs and hurt for that.
But I still do get torn about Gerard and it sickens me about the reason I do.
The latest reason I get upset is I miss his violence; I miss having someone to make me know my place cause it seems these days I get so lost and don’t know where I’m meant to be at.
I miss how he’d get angry and I would just know what I have to do, the pain he caused me made me feel loved; because I knew he wasn’t doing it to anyone else.
I will still be the only one he takes his anger out on; I hold that very, very close to my heart.
But isn’t that wrong?
Is it bad that I miss that?
I just don’t know anymore because I haven’t got any rules.
~
I let out a loud sigh and step from my chair, that’s enough thinking for now
I pace into the kitchen open the fridge and close it again.
I don’t need to put on any more weight.
I let my shoulders slump; today is gonna’ be a drag.
I pick up my 3000 year old Blackberry and open up Facebook, time for some stalking. As I flick through the news feed I take in everyone’s view on the world today; seems as I’m the only one stuck in a slump today
“ Ray Toro
off to the beach with Mikey & the girls then out clubbin’ “
*sigh* Life itself is just a major let down today.
As I judge my day to be horrible prematurely my phone vibrates.
“Duudeeee!” I say ecstatically
“Suppp?” His familiar voice replies.
“Just chillen, begging for a death wish.” I say with a halfarsed. ‘Hah’ on the end.
“Come out?” He suggests.
“Eh, I’m not dressed and haven’t washed my hair man.”
“I’m already outside your door man”
I sigh and stand up walking towards the door.
“I see you...” He adds on with a seedy voice on the end.
I roll my eyes and hang up the phone, as I open the door I see his braced smile.
I wave at him.
“Wow you do smell!” He says as he holds his nose.
I step back, some what hurt.
“I was only joking man.” He adds and pulls me into a hug.
"Shut up Joel!" I mumble into his shoulder.
♠ ♠ ♠
OooOoooh new character!! :):3, comments?