89.4 Zombie Radio

Why was it always me people confided secrets in? That was the question I continued to ask myself, as we walked towards the Walmart in a town I couldn't remember the name of. It was always me, even before all of this happened. I must have a neon sign above my head that reads "trustworthy," that I'm fully unaware of. Dalton dropped a bomb on me back at the shopping plaza. One I couldn't tell, even if tortured, and I just hoped I could keep up my end of the bargain. For once that stupid piece of paper in my pocket, that I've kept as a joke for all these years, might actually come in handy. It wasn't like one of those deep dark secrets that you can't ever tell anyone, it was more like one of those, "don't spoil the surprise asshole," secrets. Now for the remainder of the day, I would have to deal with two women trying to pry this info out of me any way they could. This was just my luck. A few more miles into our journey, and I could tell we were all still tired from running through that hospital.

"I hate to ask this, but does anybody know how to hot wire a car?" Layla asked.

"Nope, we had Brock for that before," Jessie answered.

"Shit," Layla huffed. Suddenly it hit me. Why the hell didn't I think of this before? Must have been the beating I took in that bastard's basement that knocked the sense right out of me. After all, my guts were smarter than my head most of the time, and with them broken, well... Jessie would know what to say.

"Why don't we break into a house and find the keys to one of these cars in the driveway? It would sure beat walking the rest of the way right?" I asked.

"Only if we find a nice car," Jessie replied. "But yea, that's a good idea. Maybe you're not such a huge idiot Bob."

"From you Jessie, that's a compliment," I said. "I'm sure we can find something to satisfy you around here."

"I hope we find it soon, because I really don't feel like walking this whole way," Layla replied. "I mean if we have to, we have to, I won't complain. I'm just saying."

"What about that one?" Dalton asked, pointing to an old style black car in a parking lot.

"That car is beautiful!" Jessie exclaimed.

"It is pretty pimp isn't it?" I replied. "Well, let's see if its available."

I looked over at Layla, who I could tell was saying a brief thank you prayer. When she noticed I was looking, she smiled and we continued towards the car. When we got closer to it, Jessie schooled us on what type of car it was.

"This is a 1967 Lincoln Continental," she informed us.

"Jessie, how do you know so much about cars?" Dalton asked.

"I don't know, I just do. I've always liked them, and when I like something I learn everything there is to know about it," Jessie answered. "It was also kind of me and my dad's thing. I'm a daddy's girl, I won't lie."

"I find that interesting, most girls like you are the type to drive a hybrid car around, and dismiss these types of cars as environmental hazards," I said.

"Well, I'm not like most girls Bob, I'm me. Deal with it," Jessie snapped back. "And anyone who says that about this car is an idiot."

"I think its awesome, I'm just saying," I replied, trying to defend myself. "But this car is amazing. This is the one, I feel it. It's even a Lincoln Continental. The same kind of car I used to drive, just older, and much more bad ass."

"I'm driving it," Jessie said.

"Oh no you're not," I answered back. "I'll go insane in a car with this many people."

"You went insane when it was just us two," Dalton reminded me.

"Exactly!" I shouted.

"Well get over it Bob, I'm driving. When I was with Jack, I didn't get to drive, so now its my turn," Jessie said. I started to mouth a comeback, but Layla interrupted me before I could.

"You can sit in the back with me Bob," she said. "We'll let Jessie drive, and Dalton can sit up front."

"Alright... Jessie, you're lucky she said that," I replied.

"No, you're lucky she said that," Jessie answered. "Do you really think you're going to win an argument with me?"

"...Damn it!" I shouted, realizing she was right. I just can't argue with women. Then again, what man has ever won an argument with a woman? No examples come to mind. We broke into the house that the car was in front of, and started tearing the place apart like police officers with a search warrant. It took a little while before we found the keys hidden in a desk drawer in the master bedroom. We all rushed to the car like little kids rushing to a presents on Christmas morning and took our seats. Layla laid down and used my leg as a pillow, while Jessie figured out how to work everything on the car. We got out onto the road, and my usual fear of being a passenger wasn't quite as bad. I think being in the backseat, and not focusing on where the car was heading helped my cause a little bit. I just tried to stay focused on the angel half asleep on my lap, and not think about how we could be killed in a horrific accident if Jessie made a wrong turn.

It was maybe a twenty minute drive, which would have probably been a four or five hour walk, if my math is correct. I probably should have asked Layla on the specifics, she would have been able to figure it out. Math was never exactly my strong subject. When we arrived in the parking lot, it was surprisingly full. Apparently rednecks don't take days off shopping for silly things like the zombie apocalypse. I could tell this was a redneck sort of town, three of the trucks I seen in the parking lot had confederate flags in the windows. I said a silent prayer that those assholes were still inside. I always found confederate flags to be the most racist symbols America ever produced. Right up there with swasticas and burning crosses, and people just blatantly flew them on their flagpoles. Some may defend this by saying, "Oh it represents the South." My father always used that defense, but no, it represents the confederacy, which stood for slavery. That's what that whole civil war thing was about. Needless to say, racist, redneck, assholes piss me off, and I'd be more than happy to dispose of their now zombified asses. I noticed Jessie went in through the door clearly marked exit, and I had to make a comment.

"Jessie, you just went in through the out door," I said.

"Yea... So?" she replied.

"That always makes me think of butt sex for some reason," I answered. We all shared a laugh, which was quickly interrupted by a charging, elderly zombie with a blue vest on. Dalton stepped up and threw him into the carts lined up next to us. Layla finished the rest by bashing the aging zombie's face in with the end of her bat.

"Was that like... The door greeter or something?" Dalton asked.

"Its hard telling," I answered. "Door greeters always reminded me of zombies as it was. That's one thing I'm glad I'll never see again. I hated going to Walmart and having some old, handicapped veteran with half his arm missing welcome me into the place. I realize that's like the only job he can do, and I'm not saying its bad because of that, I just flat out don't like being greeted when I enter a store."

"You're weird," Jessie said.

"It's like at Cold Stone Creamery when you go in, all the employees say, 'Welcome to Cold Stone." I added. "Its usually a bit off though, because one or two of them never notice you came in until the other says it. One time they synced up perfectly, and I about freaked out."

"I don't see what's wrong about being greeted when you go in a store," Layla said. "They're just being friendly."

"I don't know, it just bothers me," I explained. "Oh, and when an employee comes up to me asking if I need help. I hate that, because usually I don't need help, and if I did, I'd ask for it. I like to look around, is there a problem with that?"

"Dude, I'm with them, that is pretty weird," Dalton replied.

"I never really claimed to be normal," I answered.

"Well, if we weren't all a little different, we wouldn't be alive right now," Layla said.

"Yea, its good to be different," Jessie added.

"I agree," Dalton said. "Now, how do you guys propose we go about clearing this place out?"

"Well, let's take it one isle at a time, until we go through every inch of the store. Then we'll shoot a few shots off when we're done, to make sure we didn't miss anything," I explained.

"Okay, sounds like a good plan," Jessie replied. "Let's go for it."

We started at the first isle on the left, which was the fresh produce isle, and made our way through two more isles with no encounters. In the third isle, which was the soup isle, we found one staring at a bag of noodles. I picked up a can of clam chowder and threw it at him, nailing it in the head. I couldn't help but laugh as it went down, and Dalton rushed over, finishing it with one decapitating chop. I armed myself with two more cans of soup, and we headed to the next isle. Dalton and I used the same process to kill the next two zombies we encountered, and it didn't take long before the entire grocery section was a zombie free zone.

"This isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be," Dalton said.

"Well, a lot of the zombies have probably moved on from here by now," Layla explained.

"I say we just head right for the sporting goods section, load up on ammo, and just take care of the rest in a hail of bullets," I said. "It was the plan from the beginning, I think we can all handle it."

"I don't have a gun, and I hate guns anyway," Jessie replied.

"Well, luckily Walmart carries a wide array of hunting and fishing needs, including twelve gauge shotguns, perfect for taking down zombies," I told her.

"I don't care, I'm not shooting one," Jessie answered.

"Okay, well then you can just stay behind me Jessie, and if anything gets close, you're in charge of taking care of it," Dalton said.

"Okay, that doesn't sound too bad," Jessie replied. I handed Layla the pistol I had in my back pack, and we sneaked through the back isle to the sporting goods section. I pulled the clip out of Layla's gun and loaded it for her. Then I took the bat and smashed open a display case full of shotguns. I knew it wouldn't be long before something heard the noise, so I pulled out the first twelve gauge I seen, and got the trigger lock off with a tool I found behind the counter. I almost had the gun loaded and ready, when a zombie came charging from around the corner of the isle. Jessie saw it, and in a genius act of innovation, rolled her skateboard out in front of it, causing it to fall on its back. I then cocked the twelve gauge and approached the fallen zombie. I took the shot at point blank range, and rolled Jessie's skateboard back to her. I knew it wouldn't be long before everything that resided in this Walmart was on our asses, so we all took cover behind the sporting goods desk.

A gang of about five zombies came rushing down the isle right in front of us, and we opened fire on them. Only one of them made it all the way to the desk, and Jessie knocked him down with a beautiful shot with her skateboard. Layla finished the job with a point blank shot to the head, and we all got ready for round two. The second wave came charging from behind us. It was only three of them, all dressed in blue vests, and we took care of them with little effort. I reloaded my shotgun in the downtime, and checked Layla's gun. She was down to her last two shots, and I quickly loaded a few more before the third wave came. This was the big one, I couldn't count how many there were, but I'm guessing there were a few that weren't even in the Walmart before all of the gun play.

We took down the few that were ahead of the pack, but the majority made it to the counter we were hiding behind. I motioned for everyone to move away from the edge of the counter, and duck down. When a zombie would poke its head over the counter, we opened fire. I stood up and finished off the rest myself, and finally took a second to breath. Everyone else stood up and we all looked around and waited for something else to make noise. After a few minutes, we realized it was probably clear, so we hopped back over the counter.

"Well, that wasn't too bad," I said.

"No, it actually went pretty smoothly," Layla answered.

"Oh, I didn't get a chance to compliment you Jessie, that was a bad ass move back there with the skateboard. I would have never thought to roll it at one of them," I said.

"Well, that's because you're an idiot Bob, but thanks, it just kind of hit me," Jessie replied.

"Okay, now that we have that all sorted out, let's split up and search the rest of the place. We'll meet up back here when we're done," I said. "Layla and I will take this side, you guys take the other. Search every nook and cranny."

Dalton and Jessie agreed and we split up to take a look around. Everything seemed clear, the gun plan must have worked like a charm. It didn't take long before Layla and I came across the hardware section, and I seen a chainsaw sitting on display.

"Wouldn't this be the shit Layla?" I asked as I picked it up.

"Well, its rather impractical if you ask me. You'd need to be not only close range, but it would continuously draw more zombies to where we were with the noise it makes. It just seems like a bad idea," Layla answered.

"Yea I guess you're right, but just once I want to kill one with a chainsaw," I said putting it back down.

"Bob, I think we should find the pharmacy, and get you something for your ribs," Layla said.

"You're the doctor," I replied. We then searched through the isles until we found the pharmacy, and Layla found a few things for me to take. She also took another bottle for herself, but wouldn't tell me what it was. I didn't dare ask. I took a Gatorade from the grocery section and chugged down what she told me. It didn't take long before the pills kicked in, and the pain in my ribs felt a little better. I still was by no means one hundred percent, but I felt better, and that was a good thing. We searched the rest of the store, including the back areas, and it all seemed to be empty. We went back to meet Dalton and Jessie, who were there waiting for us to return.

"What took you guys so long?" Jessie asked.

"We got Bob some stuff for his ribs, sorry Jessie," Layla answered.

"Oh its fine, I was just hoping I'd have some excuse to mess with Bob again," Jessie said. I mocked her, and she shot me an evil smile that made me laugh.

"Uh... Well... While I have everyone here... I think its time I just... Go for it," Dalton said. My heart started to beat fast, and I could feel the vein in my neck throbbing. I knew what was coming, and I was nervous for the guy. It took a lot of guts to do what he was about to do.

"Jessie, I know this is going to seem crazy, because we really barely know each other... But, the way I figure it, we could die tomorrow, and I've never felt this way about anybody before. So I'm not going to mess around waiting... Jessie... Will you marry me?"

The look of shock and happiness that swept over Jessie's face was a Hallmark moment if I ever saw one. I knew what her answer was going to be, and I felt immediately relieved. Jessie looked at Dalton with happy tears in her eyes, and gave him the answer he was hoping for.

"Yes!" she shouted. Layla screamed so loud, I thought my ears were going to bleed, and Dalton and Jessie began kissing. When they were done, Dalton pulled out the ring that we looted from the jewelry store in the shopping plaza, and put it on her finger. It was a beautiful design, as it interlocked with the wedding ring he had. I give him credit, he had a pretty nice taste in jewelry for a guy. I now knew who to consult for things of that nature.

"Wait, how are we supposed to get married? Is someone we know a priest or something?" Jessie asked. I cleared my throat, and pulled out my wallet. It was time for part two of our big reveal.

"Well, it just so happens I'm a licensed pastor in the state of New Jersey," I said. Layla started laughing as she took the piece of paper I had just pulled out of my wallet.

"Did you print this off of the internet?" she asked.

"Yes I did, but its legitimate... Legitimate enough anyways," I replied.

"So Bob is going to marry us?" Jessie asked. "This is... Kind of funny."

"Hey, even I think it will be hilarious, but what does it matter?" I asked. "You two are in love, and I'm more than happy to do it."

"What else can you do with this?" Layla asked.

"Well, I can bless things if I remember right," I answered.

"Do you even know how to bless things?" Jessie fired back.

"I think you just say its blessed, and it is. Like see this Gatorade? Its now holy. I declare it as such," I said.

"I'm pretty sure its more complicated than that but... Whatever," Jessie replied. "I don't even care, I'm just so happy right now! Wait till everyone hears about this!"

That's when it hit me, I still had yet to call the radio station. Shit! Roxy is probably not only pissed, but she was probably thinking we were dead. I pulled out the phone and made the call, without even saying anything to anyone.

"Who are you calling?" Dalton asked.

"The radio station, I forgot all about that shit!" I exclaimed.

"Oh! Me too! Whoops, they probably think we're dead," Dalton replied. I put the phone on speaker so everyone could hear.

"What's up!? You've got DJ Double tap on the line!"

"Hey! Its Bob! How are you man?"

"Bob! I'm so relieved you called DJ Double Tap. Roxy's called twice now, and she is piiiiiissssseeeeddd."

"Yea I figured, I'm sorry, its been a hell of a trip, but we got the girls out of trouble, and well... Things are going well," I told him.

"I'm getting married!" Jessie shouted.

"Was that Jessie I just heard? Congratulations Jessie! DJ Double Tap wishes you all the best! Who's the lucky guy?"

"His name is Dalton and we are in love!" Jessie yelled with joy.

"DJ Double Tap is tearing up he's so happy. Bob, how is your girl?"

"I'm great DJ Double Tap!" Layla shouted. "I'm not getting married, but Bob and I are in love too!"

"Bob! Why aren't you getting married? DJ Double Tap wants to know!"

"Oh, I've never been much for marriage," Layla told him. "I'm glad he didn't propose. Its too much pressure."

I felt a bit relieved she answered the question that way. I wanted to kill DJ Double Tap for putting me on the spot like that. Give me a break!

"That is great news! Well DJ Double Tap will fill you in on what Roxy and the rest are up to. Well, they got the bus stolen..."

"What!?" Jessie yelled.

"But they got it back! Don't worry, I guess they're waiting for the person who stole it to show up. DJ Double Tap thinks they'll be okay. I'm just glad to hear you're all okay still. Anything else I should tell Roxy?"

"Tell her we're at a Walmart right now, and we'll be hunting her ass down soon. I have to go DJ Double Tap, I have a wedding ceremony to perform," I said.

"Good luck to the happy couples! And I'll talk to you tomorrow!"

"You will indeed. Until then," I replied, and we ended the conversation. I turned to Dalton and Jessie who seemed ready for me to start. I cleared my throat, and tried to come up with something to say. I really had no idea how a wedding was supposed to work. This was a lot of pressure. Jessie and Dalton held hands and I took a deep breath.

"Okay, so... Does anybody object to this marriage? If so speak now," I said.

"Bob, there's nobody else here, don't be an idiot," Jessie snapped.

"Hey! I don't know! Maybe we're getting followed by your stalker or something! Anyways... Do you, Dalton... What's your last name?" I asked, embarrassed I never learned it.

"Its James," he replied.

"Do you Dalton James, take this woman to be your wife... Through sickness and in health... And til death do you part?... Hey that was pretty good."

"I do."

"And do you Jessie..."

"Before you even ask my last name is McGregor."

"Jessie McGregor, do you take this man, to be your husband... In sickness and in health, and all that other stuff I already said to him."

Layla nudged me in the arm, and I knew my lack of seriousness was probably not good in this situation. I couldn't help it, I could never take anything seriously, it was a serious problem, I need help.

"I do," Jessie answered.

"Then by the power invested in me by the internet, and I think the state of New Jersey, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Dalton and Jessie locked lips and I could feel Layla melt next to me. The kiss lasted for a while and Layla and I held hands while we watched. When they were done, I couldn't help but make a few more comments.

"So, you're Jessie James now? That's fucking awesome!" I exclaimed.

"I guess I am," Jessie replied laughing. "That is pretty cool."

"Sorry I suck at weddings, but... Hey, you're married. Where's the honeymoon?"

Layla nudged me again, and I knew that was the signal to shut up.

"Congratulations guys, I'm so happy for you," Layla said.

"Wait, didn't you get a wedding ring?" Jessie asked Dalton.

"Oh shit! I forgot about that, here you guys go," I said as I dug the rings out of my pocket. "Sorry about that."

"Bob, you are a horrible priest," Jessie replied.

"I'm a horrible pastor... Or was it a reverend? I don't remember, but yea I suck," I admitted.

"So are we just going to stay the night here?" Dalton asked.

"Sure, why not? We'll just lock the doors, and sleep in the isles or something. Maybe get an air mattress, I call the toy isle!" I exclaimed.

"Bob, you're a lot more talkative now, I've noticed that," Jessie said.

"Its because I'm happy finally," I answered. "And I'm comfortable around you guys, so you'll have to excuse my occasional outbursts."

We walked to the control room and figured out how to lock the doors. After that, we did one final walk through, just to make extra sure nothing was going to surprise us. We went back to the sporting goods section and each got an air mattress for ourselves. We pumped them up in the middle isle, and After that, Layla and I went our separate way. Dalton and Jessie walked off, and it seemed like they were both walking on air, as the old expression goes.

"Aren't they cute?" Layla asked.

"They are," I replied.

"So that was the secret you guys couldn't tell us about," Layla said.

"Yep, I took a blood oath that I wouldn't say a word. I feel in another life, I would have made a bad ass priest," I answered.

"Maybe for a cult or something like that," Layla replied. I laughed, Layla was one of the few who could keep up with my sense of humor. Usually it scares women off. Women always say they want someone who has a good sense of humor, they usually are liars. Layla and I set up a little camp in the toy isle. I wanted to play with all of the toys, even the ones I didn't like. Hey, I was living out my inner six year old's fantasy right now, I couldn't help it. Layla went to get some blankets, and sneaked to the next isle to get her a bouquet of fake flowers. She smiled when she came back, and I was holding them.

"For you my lady," I said as I handed them to her.

"Aww, you shouldn't have," she replied.

"Ah, this is kind of nice isn't it?" I asked.

"Yea, it is," she answered.

"Okay, so I want to know something Layla. Back in the hospital, you said I was your boyfriend. Is that official?"

"Umm, I don't know, is it? I'm sorry I just kind of said it, if I'm..."

"Oh its more than fine! I just wanted to make sure you said it. I've never felt better than when you said that. You sure you're not like... disappointed at the whole wedding thing?"

"No Bob, I'm not, I promise. I've only seen marriages end in heartbreak. We're in love, and that's more than I could ever ask for. If later on we decide to do that, then its different, but I think we'd be rushing things if we got married now. I see Dalton's point, but I think dying in love is just as good. I know Jessie will be a very happy girl though."

"No doubt about that, she was practically giddy back there."

"She's been waiting her whole life for that moment. She doesn't seem like the conservative type, but she is."

"No, I can tell she is. She doesn't cuss, or anything like that. I mean, I know Roxy and I get going with the cussing more than the average bear, but still, even you cuss on occasion... Which is sexy by the way."

"You don't cuss all that much around me."

"Ah, I think I just match whoever I'm around. If I hear someone cussing, I just try to keep up."

"That makes sense. I think we all do that to some extent. You think its sexy when I cuss?"

"Yea I do, its... I don't know... I just think its cute."

"Well, I'll try and cuss a little more often."

"No, don't, it will ruin it. Just be you Layla, that's all I want."

"Okay, I can do that. Oh, and Jessie cussed back at Lucky's. He put her in that coffin or whatever, and she went nuts. Roxy would have been proud."

"Ha! I bet she would have! Roxy would have paid to see that shit!"

"Are your ribs feeling a little better after that medicine?"

"Yea they are Dr.Kyle. How nice of you to ask. You know, you're so damn smart, and you never really use any brain numbing big words against me. I love that."

"Well, all the arrogant smart people I used to hate used those kind of words. I never liked them, so I just talked like the people I most admired. Which were the more common people."

"Oh so we're common now?"

"Ha! You know what I mean... Do you hear that?"

"Hear what? We locked everything right? Do you here something coming?"

"...You could say that."

"Oh?... Oh!... Ooooohhh."

"Yea."

"Well I guess the honeymoon was tonight."

"I guess so... Well... I think we have to compete with them don't we?"

"What?... I mean... Sure... I mean... Are you sure?"

"Bob, just shut up. You talk too much sometimes."

"I know, but we should be careful. I mean, the last thing we need is a bunch of kids growing up with zombies in their backyard."

"Its taken care of. You worry too much too. Have I told you that?"

"Probably..."

Layla didn't let me say another word and what happened next, I will leave to your imagination, but I will say this, it was beautiful. Better than I could have ever imagined it would be. The pain in my ribs was magically gone during the whole thing. Layla was a true medical genius. Oh, and for the record, I think we won the competition.