My Castles Are Falling

Mornings were the hardest. Pulling himself into an upright position and swinging his legs over the side of the bed had become the act that took more energy than he cared to muster most days. But when his eyes opened and took in his surroundings he almost jumped out of the bed, instantly recognizing the room he was in and having completely forgotten why he was there. But the second his feet, still encased in shoes, hit the rug that covered the hardwood floor next to the bed, reality washed over him.

Tears immediately sprung from his burning ducts and he fell back into the bed. It was the most unbearable pain he had been experiencing. Nothing he had ever felt before could compare to the stabbing feeling in his lungs with each breath he drew in, the mess of knots his stomach had tied itself into and the heaviness of the void in his chest where he had once known his heart to reside. He constantly had to remind himself to breathe while simultaneously wishing to himself that the action would become voluntary instead of necessary.

In a conscious state, every time he closed his eyes he could see her. And she looked so real. Even though he had seen her lifeless body lying before him two days before it didn't feel like reality when everything about her was so alive in his mind. He wanted to reach out and touch her in the most Innocent way possible. And though the vision of her would fade once his eyes opened again, her voice still rang so clearly in his ears and every moment of every day he felt like he was living the worst nightmare imaginable.

It took nearly an hour but he finally managed to drag himself out of bed. He left his shoes next to the bed and quietly made his way down the stairs to the kitchen. Lauren was sitting at the table with the newspaper open next to her nearly untouched bagel. She looked up with tear filled eyes as he entered the room and forced a smile when she met his own red, watery vessels.

"Mornings are the worst," she said. He nodded and took a seat across the table from her. "Would you like something to eat?" she asked. Alex shook his head and she stood anyway, not accepting his answer. "You need to eat," she said.

Alex breathed in deeply, "I'm not hungry," he said, his sleepy voice wavering.

"You look like you haven't eaten in a few days, maybe a week," she said, eyeing him closely. She took his lack of response to mean she was correct and pulled a bagel from the package on the counter. "Since you received the news?" she inquired and he nodded.

Her already shattered heart broke all over again for the young man. She could remember when he and Rayne were younger and how happy they always were to simply be in each other's presence and the way Alex had always looked at her daughter like she was the most special gift he had ever received. He beamed when they were together, when he would talk about her, and even when he would think about her. And now, because she was gone, he was miserable and Lauren could tell that he was beating himself over it.

She set a plate in front of him and sat down once again. Across the table, she watched as he seemingly got sucked into a staring contest with the bagel in front of him. Part of him obviously wanted and very much needed the nourishment, but most of him didn't care enough to pick it up and raise it to his mouth, much less expel the energy it would take chew the bread.

"You can't keep blaming yourself, Alex," she said.

He looked up from the table and didn't even bother trying to hold back the tears that were once again pouring from his eyes. "Why not?" he asked. "It's my fault."

Lauren shook her head, "No, it wasn't," she said.

"It was my turn to come home, " he said, "But I had to be a shit head and decide I didn't feel like making the drive."

"She just wanted to see you," she said.

"I know!" Alex exclaimed, rather uncharacteristically as of late, "But I should have been the one driving. She didn't deserve this. She actually had something going for her. Not like me, twenty two and just now starting to take college seriously. It should have been me," he said, having become much quieter. "Why couldn't it have been me?" he all but whispered.

Feeling his pain, tears began to fall from Lauren's eyes again. She stood and walked over to the broken young man, enveloping him in a hug. His arms wrapped around her and he cried into her shirt. She wanted to say something that would bring comfort to him, but knew there were no words that could. Her insides twisted, understanding all too well the way he was feeling, having lost the love of her life five years prior.

After what could have been hours, she spoke to him. "I would give anything to have my Raynie Day back, but not at the expense of your life, Alex."

"I would," Alex muttered.

"What good would that do?" she asked, "If you were gone and she was here, you would still not be with her. And she would be miserable. Think about it. With as much as you cherish her, would you really want that?"

He dropped his arms and pulled out of the embrace, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. Rayne's face immediately filled his head. Her beautiful smile and bright eyes brought light to his dark thoughts. He missed her so much. And he hadn't given a lot of thought to much of anything but Lauren's words were changing that. He knew he didn't want to be dead; he just didn't want to be without the girl he had grown to love so deeply.

Slowly, he looked up at the woman standing in front of him, realizing how just how similar Rayne and her mother were physically. Lauren was a little taller, her hair a little lighter and her eyes the tiniest bit smaller. She wore the years well, but they did show a little especially in the last week. But to strangers the two must have looked like spitting images of each other.

"How can you be so logical right now?" he asked her. Exhaustion was washing over him. The constant crying drained what little energy he had and he still had not eaten, which only made matters worse.

A tiny smile graced her lips. "I've been through this before. That doesn't make it easier, but I've had a lot of time to think since Peter passed. Convincing yourself that everything would be better if roles were reversed is false comfort. And convincing yourself that it was your fault is not going to help anyone. I know it hurts like hell, but her life was no more valuable than yours."

"Do you still miss him?" Alex asked.

Lauren nodded, "Every day," she said. "It's not a constant thing but inevitably at some point in my day I'm doing something and I'll think about how Peter would have enjoyed it, or that I'm eating his favorite food, or that he would have teased me about the way I said something. Little things. And in those moments I wish he could be here with me again."

"I'll never forget the day it happened," Alex said with a heavy sigh. "Raynie Day called me and was completely hysterical, with good reason. She couldn't even say anything for ten minutes. She just cried into the phone. And I didn't know what was going on, but when she said she needed me nothing else mattered. I was grounded because I had pulled some stupid stunt or I was failing a class or maybe both, I can't remember now. So I snuck out through my window and I ran all the way here, faster than I've ever run before. I try not to think about it but I can still remember the way I felt when I saw her completely broken down. I just wanted to hold her forever." He paused for a minute, glancing up at Lauren and she urged him to continue. "I was here for probably close to an hour before she could tell me what happened."

It was hard for him to talk about her. And he didn't know what else to say. He didn't want to continue to relive the worst moment of Rayne's life, the life she no longer had. A fresh tear escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek.

"I just miss her. So much," he said.

Lauren could see him beginning to shut down again and knew there was no way to stop it. She reached out and patted him on shoulder. "Why don't you go lay down and rest. You can try eating something when you wake up again," she said and he nodded. It took a few moments for him to actually stand and walk out of the room. On his way out, she said to him, "You know you're welcome to stay here as long as you like."

Alex looked over his shoulder and tried with what little energy he had left to force a smile. "Thank you," he said. "You don't know how much that means."