My Castles Are Falling

"What do you mean Rayne's mad at you?" Rian, seated on the chair next to Alex's small sofa, asked with obvious confusion. His friend's statement had caught him off guard but also didn't make any sense. "Rayne's... dead..." he said cautiously.

Alex rolled his eyes at his friend's obvious statement. The word, however, stabbed at his insides just like it did any time anyone used it in conjunction with Rayne's name. And he had realized, as soon as the words left his mouth, just how ridiculous the notion seemed.

"Gee, Rian, is she really? I had no idea." Sarcasm soaked his words and he sighed, preparing to explain himself. "I met this girl the other day. She looked just like Rayne. Like, almost exactly. There were little differences but she scared the shit out of me at first. Anyway, I talked to her for a little bit. And then she left, said maybe she'd see me again sometime. I couldn't stop thinking about her. That night, when I finally got to sleep," he said. Everyone knew he'd recently developed insomnia. "Rayne was in my dream. And she was really angry that I wasn't looking for her. Thought that I didn't care anymore."

The silence that followed was heavy. Rian's eyebrow raised but he didn't really know what to say. He wanted to his friend that it was just a dream. Alex's own subconscious. It wasn't Rayne who was mad at him, it was Alex being upset with himself. Alex feeling like he'd disrespected Rayne's memory by not thinking about her for a few moments. By thinking about another girl. But he also know that Alex wouldn't want to hear it.

He didn't know what Alex wanted to hear and he was pretty sure Alex didn't either. Ever since Rayne's accident, Alex had been completely different. Lost. Confused. No one could blame him. But no one could help him either. Everyone had let him know that they were there for him but he hadn't gone to anyone other than Rayne's mother.

"I don't think that means she's mad at you," Rian said, "Rayne loved you. And she knew how much you loved her. You're being too hard on yourself."

With a sigh, Alex shook his head. He could tell that Rian was trying to make him feel better. But he didn't want to be made to feel better. But he didn't want pity either. All he wanted was for everything that happened to be one big, horrible nightmare. He wanted someone to pinch him and wake him up. So he could see Rayne and hug her again. So he could tell her everything he'd been too afraid to say. He wasn't afraid anymore. Just sad.

He never realized how much all the little things meant to him. A good morning or goodnight text message. A smile in her voice over the phone when he was having a bad day. The moment he saw her after being away for a week. The smoothness of her skin. Just knowing that she was there and accepted him for every little mistake he made. Each stupid thing he did that pissed her off and the moment she forgave him. He missed the little fights they would get into, thinking they were the end of their friendship each time because he was always so scared of losing her. But he never fully appreciated any of those things until recently. Now that they were gone and he could never get them back, he held tightly to the memory of them.

There was nothing he could say to Rian to make him understand why he felt so sure that Rayne was mad at him. Perhaps because he himself didn't really know why a dream had made him so certain. Rian was looking at him expectantly, waiting for Alex to explain his thoughts but Alex couldn't summon the energy to try to figure them out for himself. He just shrugged, feeling defeated.

"I'm going for a walk," he announced, straightening from his position of leaning against the arm of the sofa. He didn't wait for a response from his friend and simply walked out the door of his apartment.

It was possible that Rian thought Alex was making an attempt to clear his head, but in reality Alex had long since given up on that. No matter how hard he tried, his thoughts always felt muddled and his head was always cloudy.

He didn't pay much attention to where he was going. But it didn't matter where he ended up. He knew is way around town and all he wanted was to get away from everything. No one could understand what he was feeling and it wasn't something he held against anyone. But it had become difficult to relate to the people in his life. And the only thing he was sure of anymore was that everyone around him felt the same way about relating to him.

It took awhile for his brain to register that he had wandered to the park that he and Rayne had found by accident. As he sat down in the grass, he couldn't help but think about the last time they were there. She had been wearing a lavender sundress and her hair was pulled back. And they were there because she had planned a picnic for them while Alex had been in his morning class.

He had only been in New Jersey for a little over six months and in the recent days discovered that he and Rayne had many memories there. At times those memories nearly killed him. And other times they were all that kept him going through the day. This time, it was former. He drew his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them. Tears begged to break free and he fought them with all his strength. It was a losing battle, however.

It surprised him that he managed to keep them somewhat under control. Instead of the knees of his jeans being completely soaked, only a few tears escaped. Pain sliced through his heart like a knife. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and silently begged everything to stop. And not so silently, he whispered, "I miss you, Raynie Day."

A shadow fell over him momentarily but didn't stay long as the person walking by paid him no mind and continued on their way. A strange feeling coursed through his veins as he heard the footsteps that had passed return. He didn't look up when the shadow fell over him once again, hoping whoever it was would just leave. Though he could feel the hesitation, the person, someone very vaguely familiar yet incredibly unfamiliar, didn't move.

"Alfred?" a feminine voice inquired with a hint of concern in her tone.

He couldn't place the voice, but his heart started pounding inside his chest when she spoke. He slowly lifted his head and took in the sight of the beautiful girl in front of him and his pounding heart nearly stopped entirely. He knew it wasn't Rayne, but in the few days since he'd met Grace, he had managed to forget just how closely she resembled her.

"Alex," he corrected her once he found his voice. He breathed in deeply, trying not to be obvious about it, though he was pretty sure it didn't matter either way.

She nodded as if she'd just had a great revelation, "That's it!" she exclaimed, a smile spreading across her face. "Stupid me. I was kind of close?"

Involuntarily, Alex grinned. He couldn't help it in the same way he had never been able to help it when Rayne smiled at him. "You were," he agreed. "It's nice to see you again," he said.

"I believe you now that the color has started to come back to your face. You turned so white when you looked at me, I thought you were going to pass out," she said. "Bit of a scare again?" she asked. He nodded but didn't say anything. He found it a little weird that she wasn't freaked out that he was freaked out, even if only for a moment. "Are you alright?" she asked and then immediately rolled her eyes at herself. "I mean, other than, well, you know."

He nodded, "Just having a rough morning." He patted the grass next to him with a bit of questioning look. Grace just smiled at him and sat down near him but not too close, positioning herself in such a way that she could easily look at him. He turned himself a few degrees toward her as well. "What brings you here?" he asked.

Grace just shrugged, "I don't know. I just felt sort of compelled to be here, I guess. Does that sound weird?" she asked. Without waiting for him to respond, she went on. "I'm not from here, New Jersey, but I come here sometimes. And I've been here enough to know what places are safe enough and what places aren't. I actually kind of like this area but I rarely just wander around the streets and through parks and whatnot. But today I just felt like doing it."

"And what is it that brings you to New Jersey sometimes?" Alex inquired, his interest piqued.

"Work," came her simple response.

Alex knew there were certain questions you just don't ask someone when you haven't known them very long. Career was one of them. Age was another. Both were sensitive subjects and would come up in time if they actually got to know each other.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her glance down at her watch. "Which," she said, "I'm sorry, I actually have to get to." She stood and smiled down at Alex. "Maybe I'll see you around again." And just like at the bookstore, she didn't wait for a response before she walked away.

Alex was somewhat taken aback by her second abrupt departure. But before she got far, he managed to find his words and called out to her. "Do you keep saying that because you don't want to see me again?" he asked.

She looked over her shoulder at him, a smile playing across her lips. "It's more the suspense," she said. "I like not knowing what's going to happen next." With a small wave, she turned her head back around and continued on her way.