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I'm Praying That You Don't Burn Out
8.
Lilith sat in a white plastic chair, beside her father. The waiting room of Dr. Bernard was filled with small children, coughing teens, and mothers rocking their babies. Lilith felt as if she was the only nervous one there; she had after all, not been to a regular doctor in years. She needed three shots, a vial of blood drawn, and a physical today. She had never wanted to die so much in her life than those minutes waiting. She didn't want her father coming in with her; in there while she had to strip and get weighed, and measured and checked. She was embarrassed enough. On the way over, her father reminded her that he was going to speak to the doctor about all the headaches and ups and downs. He quietly mentioned her mother, and Lilith knew what the doctor would be testing her for.
"Lil, I mean...You know,...uhm, okay." Her father took a deep breath as they pulled out of their driveway. "Lilith, your mothers...illness is sometimes hereditary. I mean, you, you could easily have it. Or something else. But, I mean, Sometimes, when you get these highs and lows, you...you act just like your mother did when she was off her meds."
"Oh, oh so now you're telling me I'm just like mom? Just like the psycho women who burned me? The psycho freak who would try to push me down stairs? huh? Well fuck you, dad!" Lilith screamed, and reached for the handle of the moving car's door. She flicked the lock up and in a swift moment the car door was open, and her father's hand were across her chest, trying to keep her in as he swerved the car and pulled over.
the only thing that could be hear was her and her fathers hard, fast breathing. Her father took a deep breath and whispered. "Don't you ever fucking do that again." She slammed her open door, and her father locked it, and pulled off the side of the road. the rest of the car ride was dead quiet, until they pulled into the doctor's office parking lot. "When you hurt..." Her father began, turning off the car. he cleared his throat. "when you hurt...It breaks my heart. It cracks my heart in two when I see you cry. And to see that your own mother did that; to see that look in your eyes, that broken, beaten look, I am lost. I don't know what to do with you, Lil. I don't know if I should give you space, or be more...parental...I don't know if I should send you to see someone, or let you work it out... I am fucking lost, Lilith. And that's why we're here, Lil. We're here, because even if you have that illness, the one that took your mother from us, I will always love you, and I wont let schizophrenia take you away." Her father closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Lilith didn't know what to say, some she just reached for her father's pack of smokes. "Can I have a smoke?" Her father sighed, and tossed the pack to her.
It's not that Lilith didn't appreciate her fathers little love-dovey speech; it was just that she didn't want to be schizophrenic, and she knew her father would leave her.
"Sullivan, Lilith?" A nurse called for her, and she got up. "stay here." She whispered to her father, and thankfully, he sat. She followed the nurse into the small examination room. She could feel the sweat forming at the top her of forehead. The nurse told her to strip herself of her large sweater, and stand on the scale. She didn't listen to the nurse as the read out her weight; she didn't want to hear how fat she was. She nurse told her she couldn put her sweater back on, and thankfully Lilith did it with her cuts and scars unnoticeable. She sat on the examination bed, and sighed. She didn't want to be here, she wanted to be at home, or cutting herself, or at her secret spot at the beach. Anywhere but here.
"Lilith, I presume?" A man said from the doorway, reading a file which she presumed was her's. Lilith gulped and nodded. the man broke out into a smile. "I'm Dr. Lawrence, I'm a new doctor at Dr. Bernard's clinic, And I'll be your doctor." He said, shutting the door. "This is my second year of being an official general family doctor." He said, setting the file down on the table and grabbing a pair of gloves. "I'm gonna start the exam by having you lie on your back. If at any point you feel uncomfortable or anything, lemme know, okay?" He said, as Lilith slowly lay down.
The doctor did one final movement of her legs and stopped poking her body. "well we're all done the physical. You seem to be in pretty good health. Now, I'm gonna ask you a few questions. i want you to know that they're completely confidential." Lilith nodded, thankful that the physical was over.
"Do You smoke?"
Lilith sighed. "yes." The doctor scribbled something down on her chart.
"Do you smoke marijuana"
She sighed again, not wanting to tell her doctor anything.
"I'm not going to say anything, or judge you, but I'd prefer to know, so if anything happens or something, I have this information." Lilith slightly rolled her eyes. "Yeah I smoke weed."
"Do you do any other recreational drugs?"
"Yeah."
"Do you depend on them?"
"No." Lilith said sharply. she didn't want him to think she was a junkie.
"Have you ever had depressed thoughts? Ever been sad, and didn't know why?"
Lilith paused. "It's okay to say that Lilith, Many teens struggle with things like this."
Lilith began to grew angry. He doesn't need to know
"no, I'm usually alright.."
"good to hear that. Now, I'm gonna give you three needles, take some blood, then you're good to go. Oh, your dad also mentioned that your mother is schizophrenic. I'm going to ask you to start writing down anything health-wise that's unusual. For instance, like, hallucinations or anything. And he also mentioned your headaches." The doctor went on to talk about a new drug that'll help with bad migraines. Lilith gladly accepted the prescription, and four needles later, she was out of the examination room.
Her father was still sitting in the same chair, same leg crossed over his other one, same cold, hard expression on his face. "Let's go." She simply said, tugging slightly on her father's arm. He got up and lead her out of the office, and as they walked down the hall to the elevator, she tucked her hand into her fathers larger one. "I'm sorry."
"Lil, I mean...You know,...uhm, okay." Her father took a deep breath as they pulled out of their driveway. "Lilith, your mothers...illness is sometimes hereditary. I mean, you, you could easily have it. Or something else. But, I mean, Sometimes, when you get these highs and lows, you...you act just like your mother did when she was off her meds."
"Oh, oh so now you're telling me I'm just like mom? Just like the psycho women who burned me? The psycho freak who would try to push me down stairs? huh? Well fuck you, dad!" Lilith screamed, and reached for the handle of the moving car's door. She flicked the lock up and in a swift moment the car door was open, and her father's hand were across her chest, trying to keep her in as he swerved the car and pulled over.
the only thing that could be hear was her and her fathers hard, fast breathing. Her father took a deep breath and whispered. "Don't you ever fucking do that again." She slammed her open door, and her father locked it, and pulled off the side of the road. the rest of the car ride was dead quiet, until they pulled into the doctor's office parking lot. "When you hurt..." Her father began, turning off the car. he cleared his throat. "when you hurt...It breaks my heart. It cracks my heart in two when I see you cry. And to see that your own mother did that; to see that look in your eyes, that broken, beaten look, I am lost. I don't know what to do with you, Lil. I don't know if I should give you space, or be more...parental...I don't know if I should send you to see someone, or let you work it out... I am fucking lost, Lilith. And that's why we're here, Lil. We're here, because even if you have that illness, the one that took your mother from us, I will always love you, and I wont let schizophrenia take you away." Her father closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Lilith didn't know what to say, some she just reached for her father's pack of smokes. "Can I have a smoke?" Her father sighed, and tossed the pack to her.
It's not that Lilith didn't appreciate her fathers little love-dovey speech; it was just that she didn't want to be schizophrenic, and she knew her father would leave her.
"Sullivan, Lilith?" A nurse called for her, and she got up. "stay here." She whispered to her father, and thankfully, he sat. She followed the nurse into the small examination room. She could feel the sweat forming at the top her of forehead. The nurse told her to strip herself of her large sweater, and stand on the scale. She didn't listen to the nurse as the read out her weight; she didn't want to hear how fat she was. She nurse told her she couldn put her sweater back on, and thankfully Lilith did it with her cuts and scars unnoticeable. She sat on the examination bed, and sighed. She didn't want to be here, she wanted to be at home, or cutting herself, or at her secret spot at the beach. Anywhere but here.
"Lilith, I presume?" A man said from the doorway, reading a file which she presumed was her's. Lilith gulped and nodded. the man broke out into a smile. "I'm Dr. Lawrence, I'm a new doctor at Dr. Bernard's clinic, And I'll be your doctor." He said, shutting the door. "This is my second year of being an official general family doctor." He said, setting the file down on the table and grabbing a pair of gloves. "I'm gonna start the exam by having you lie on your back. If at any point you feel uncomfortable or anything, lemme know, okay?" He said, as Lilith slowly lay down.
The doctor did one final movement of her legs and stopped poking her body. "well we're all done the physical. You seem to be in pretty good health. Now, I'm gonna ask you a few questions. i want you to know that they're completely confidential." Lilith nodded, thankful that the physical was over.
"Do You smoke?"
Lilith sighed. "yes." The doctor scribbled something down on her chart.
"Do you smoke marijuana"
She sighed again, not wanting to tell her doctor anything.
"I'm not going to say anything, or judge you, but I'd prefer to know, so if anything happens or something, I have this information." Lilith slightly rolled her eyes. "Yeah I smoke weed."
"Do you do any other recreational drugs?"
"Yeah."
"Do you depend on them?"
"No." Lilith said sharply. she didn't want him to think she was a junkie.
"Have you ever had depressed thoughts? Ever been sad, and didn't know why?"
Lilith paused. "It's okay to say that Lilith, Many teens struggle with things like this."
Lilith began to grew angry. He doesn't need to know
"no, I'm usually alright.."
"good to hear that. Now, I'm gonna give you three needles, take some blood, then you're good to go. Oh, your dad also mentioned that your mother is schizophrenic. I'm going to ask you to start writing down anything health-wise that's unusual. For instance, like, hallucinations or anything. And he also mentioned your headaches." The doctor went on to talk about a new drug that'll help with bad migraines. Lilith gladly accepted the prescription, and four needles later, she was out of the examination room.
Her father was still sitting in the same chair, same leg crossed over his other one, same cold, hard expression on his face. "Let's go." She simply said, tugging slightly on her father's arm. He got up and lead her out of the office, and as they walked down the hall to the elevator, she tucked her hand into her fathers larger one. "I'm sorry."
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