Ten Zillion Fireflies

February 21, 2009
1:52 a.m.

I burrowed further under the covers. Each breath I took felt like a dagger in my side. This was not happening, not right now. I could hear mom and dad’s angry yelling from down the hallway. Was it impossible for them to stop for one night? The screaming worsened as loud crashes began to bounce off the walls, echoing down the hall in into my bedroom. Great, I thought. Now they’re breaking stuff.

Now would be the time that Brendon would be crawling into bed, wrapping his long arms around me.

“They’re being idiots.” He would say. “I wish that they would just go ahead and divorce.” I would then nod, agreeing with him, and he would continue on. “Have you heard what they said about the ocean?” I would shake my head, even though he knew that I was lying. “It’s full of salt,” he would say before lulling me to sleep with another of his lullabies.

I quietly got out of bed and made my way over to his room. As I turned the light, I was surprised to find it exactly the way he left it. They said after two months the shock would fade, but it still hadn’t. I don’t think that it ever will. I could feel the hot tears stinging my face as I slowly crawled into my twin brother’s unmade bed. It still smelled painfully of him. On the nightstand was a framed picture of our trip to Alaska. Bren was wearing one of his laughing smiles; the kind that took up his whole face. I was surprised to find a matching one covering my face also. I miss you so much Brenny, I thought, calling him by my special nickname.

I took the picture, cradling in my arms like an overprotective mother. I heard the door to my parent’s room slam, and mom stomping down the hallway in high heels. She paused when she got to his room, passing it up and walking back several times. Slowly the bedroom door creaked open sending a small crack of light to rest upon the wall.

“Madelynne, hunny.” She paused, waiting for my answer, but I lay staring at the wall, pressing the picture in tighter to me.

“Madelynne, I’m leaving. I can’t stay here anymore.” She said as I finally looked back at her. She looked around the room. “I’m sorry Mads,” she said as she sat on the edge of the bed.
“He is not the man I married.” I could hear the tears in her voice. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered as she got up and walked away. And then I was alone again. The feeling of abandonment added to the black hole in my chest. Why couldn’t Brendon be here? He could make this all better in a matter of minutes.

The frame moved making a small scratch across my arm. As bad as it sounded, I finally felt the relief I was looking for. I had to have more. I walked slowly into the bathroom, contemplating what I was about to do. I knew exactly where to look, reaching into the cabinet; I pulled out a brand new razor. I sat on the floor looking at it for a while. Maybe this would help, but was this really the answer? Brendon tried so hard to stop, but he told me how in control it made him feel. Several minutes later, I threw the razor back into the cabinet, and reached up to the medicine cabinet instead.

I grabbed the painkillers taking eight more than was recommended on the bottle. I quickly took them as I heard the bedroom door open again. A small knock sounded on the bathroom door.

“Maddie,” dad said quietly.

“Yes?” I rested my hands against the sink.

“You need to go back to bed. I’m going to work. Don’t wait up for me tomorrow night.” He said, and then, he was gone. The tears quickly filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks.
I found the razor one more time, and sat in the bathtub. I looked at my scar-free legs one more time, before slowly making the very first cut. It hurt. A lot at first, but then everything started to feel numb. Finally, relief.