Ten Zillion Fireflies
Golden Sunlight
May 1, 2009
1:47 p.m.
I wake up to find Cam snuggling beside me on my bed. His even breathing made me jealous that he knows he caused this, and still he can sleep like a baby. I looked over at my mom dozing uncomfortably in the chair. The dark circles under her eyes tell me that this is some of the first sleep she’s had in days, and still it was not a very restful nap. I push Cam forcefully off my bed, and he curses loudly as he hits what I’d imagine to be a cold, hard floor. Mom jumps at the sudden noise, and relaxes as she sees that I’m okay.
“I’m going to get some lunch.” Cam mumbles angrily as I scoot over and pat the space next to me on the bed, but mom shakes her head no.
“Mom, please.” I beg her, and she slowly begins to get up. I wait for her to get comfortable before I cuddle up beside her and immediately her slender arms wrap around me.
“I’m so sorry baby girl.” She whispers as she plays with my hair. “I shouldn’t have left.” But I shush her, because nono of that matters now.
“I’m just happy you came back for me.” I say.
“Always baby girl. Always.” She whispers. “I know about your legs. You have to stop.” She says, and there’s something in her voice that makes her sound like a child again. I think it was fear.
“I will mom. I promise.” And I prayed that I would not lie about this. I did not want to hurt her again, because her being her proved that she cared, and that she knew she had made a mistake. We lay like this for a couple of hours. Mom’s quiet steady breathing was comforting as I watched the clouds shift and change shapes.
“Am I interrupting? Should I come back later?” A man’s voice asks quietly. I turn to find David, and I smile as I wave him in. “Want to take a walk?” He asks, and I have to agree because I’ve been stuck here for far too long. He writes a not for mom, and I gently untangle myself from her and grab my IV. David leads me through the halls, into an elevator, and out the back door with no questions. He leads me into a garden on the backside of the hospital, and I smile as soon as the sunlight hits my face.
“It feels nice doesn’t it?” David asks, and I turn to him.
“How’d you know I missed it?” I ask following him over to a bench..
“Because I did too.” He answers quietly, but it was still a bold answer. I take a seat beside him, across from a beautiful cherry blossom tree in full bloom. It is silent for a while, we both just take in the beauty of the day, and the little twinge in my heart makes me realize that I’m somewhat happy I failed. That I was given another chance to experience all of this.
“You couldn’t have died you know.” David says looking up into the sky, and squinting against the midday sun. “You cut the wrong way.” He continues. I look down at my wrists and realize that he is right. I was never in any danger. “So now, I have to ask why you did it.” He says.
“I don’t know why really. It seems stupid now. It wasn’t for attention.” I say and he looks at me, asking me to continue with his eyes.
“You can tell me.” He says gently, like a father would to a child.
“I felt used, and figured that it was the only way out.” I say, and he jots this down in a notebook. “Are you going to tell them to lock me up?” I ask. This makes him smile.
“No.” He says.
“Don’t you think that I’m crazy, I mean, I can’t really give you a reason why I did it. What if I do it again?” I ask in shock, my voice raising several octaves.
“You won’t do it again.” He replies softly.
“How do you know?” I demand.
“Because, I saw the way you looked at the sun.” David says.
David walks me inside now, and I know that I have met the first man that I can trust. I know that he would try to help me as much as he possibly could, and I smile. I crawl back into bed with my mom, she is still asleep, something that I am happy for, and I curl into her for a nap. She is warm, like sunlight, and her golden blonde hair frames her face making her look angelic in the white sheets. This is what I would have liked to see as I woke up, I thought. I would like to see an angel.
1:47 p.m.
I wake up to find Cam snuggling beside me on my bed. His even breathing made me jealous that he knows he caused this, and still he can sleep like a baby. I looked over at my mom dozing uncomfortably in the chair. The dark circles under her eyes tell me that this is some of the first sleep she’s had in days, and still it was not a very restful nap. I push Cam forcefully off my bed, and he curses loudly as he hits what I’d imagine to be a cold, hard floor. Mom jumps at the sudden noise, and relaxes as she sees that I’m okay.
“I’m going to get some lunch.” Cam mumbles angrily as I scoot over and pat the space next to me on the bed, but mom shakes her head no.
“Mom, please.” I beg her, and she slowly begins to get up. I wait for her to get comfortable before I cuddle up beside her and immediately her slender arms wrap around me.
“I’m so sorry baby girl.” She whispers as she plays with my hair. “I shouldn’t have left.” But I shush her, because nono of that matters now.
“I’m just happy you came back for me.” I say.
“Always baby girl. Always.” She whispers. “I know about your legs. You have to stop.” She says, and there’s something in her voice that makes her sound like a child again. I think it was fear.
“I will mom. I promise.” And I prayed that I would not lie about this. I did not want to hurt her again, because her being her proved that she cared, and that she knew she had made a mistake. We lay like this for a couple of hours. Mom’s quiet steady breathing was comforting as I watched the clouds shift and change shapes.
“Am I interrupting? Should I come back later?” A man’s voice asks quietly. I turn to find David, and I smile as I wave him in. “Want to take a walk?” He asks, and I have to agree because I’ve been stuck here for far too long. He writes a not for mom, and I gently untangle myself from her and grab my IV. David leads me through the halls, into an elevator, and out the back door with no questions. He leads me into a garden on the backside of the hospital, and I smile as soon as the sunlight hits my face.
“It feels nice doesn’t it?” David asks, and I turn to him.
“How’d you know I missed it?” I ask following him over to a bench..
“Because I did too.” He answers quietly, but it was still a bold answer. I take a seat beside him, across from a beautiful cherry blossom tree in full bloom. It is silent for a while, we both just take in the beauty of the day, and the little twinge in my heart makes me realize that I’m somewhat happy I failed. That I was given another chance to experience all of this.
“You couldn’t have died you know.” David says looking up into the sky, and squinting against the midday sun. “You cut the wrong way.” He continues. I look down at my wrists and realize that he is right. I was never in any danger. “So now, I have to ask why you did it.” He says.
“I don’t know why really. It seems stupid now. It wasn’t for attention.” I say and he looks at me, asking me to continue with his eyes.
“You can tell me.” He says gently, like a father would to a child.
“I felt used, and figured that it was the only way out.” I say, and he jots this down in a notebook. “Are you going to tell them to lock me up?” I ask. This makes him smile.
“No.” He says.
“Don’t you think that I’m crazy, I mean, I can’t really give you a reason why I did it. What if I do it again?” I ask in shock, my voice raising several octaves.
“You won’t do it again.” He replies softly.
“How do you know?” I demand.
“Because, I saw the way you looked at the sun.” David says.
David walks me inside now, and I know that I have met the first man that I can trust. I know that he would try to help me as much as he possibly could, and I smile. I crawl back into bed with my mom, she is still asleep, something that I am happy for, and I curl into her for a nap. She is warm, like sunlight, and her golden blonde hair frames her face making her look angelic in the white sheets. This is what I would have liked to see as I woke up, I thought. I would like to see an angel.
♠ ♠ ♠
thoughts?