Ten Zillion Fireflies
What Now?
February 22. 2009
12:27 p.m.
I winced as I slid into my jeans. My unhealed cuts rubbed against the fabric. The shower was horrible. Brendon never told me about the after effects of cutting. But I guess it was just something that I had to deal with now. I grabbed my keys off the desk and rummaged through my purse for my wallet. Giving up, I just took the whole thing. The mall was practically empty except for a large group of Brendon’s old friends sitting by the fountain. I tried to ignore them, I had to go and talk to Amy to see if there was any way that I could have my job back.
“Madelynne,” I heard Cam call. I sighed, I was almost there. Maybe I could act like I didn’t hear him. I began to walk a little faster. “Madelynne,” he said as he jogged to catch up. No, a getaway was not possible this time. I stopped and turned to him.
“What Cam?” I asked in an annoyed tone. This made him smile.
“Still hate me huh?” He asked making me roll my eyes and start to walk away. He grabbed my arm, “Madelynne, wait, please. I didn’t mean it. Look, I really wanted to talk to you.”
“Sorry Cam,” I said as I yanked my arm away storming off, “I have to be somewhere.”
He never moved from his spot. “Will you meet me for lunch? Please?” I walked into the store with no reply.
“Madelynne!” Ammiee shrieked as she ran over to me. “Hey! I’ve missed you.”
“Hey.” I said with a smile.
“Please tell me that you are coming to get your job back.” She pleaded. I nodded shocked. “Great. I still have your vest waiting on you.”
“Wow, thanks.” I said with a smile. “I can start tomorrow if you want.” I watched her eyes light up.
“Oh my gosh yes! Thank you! So tomorrow at four?” I nodded. Ammiee got a worried look on her face. “So have you started back to school yet?” I looked at her sheepishly.
“I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet.” She nodded and wrapped her arm around my shoulders.
“If you ever want to talk, you know I’m here for you.” I nodded as I began to walk towards the door. “See you tomorrow kiddo.”
I had just gotten outside the door, when I saw Cam sitting on the bench.
“Well hello there. Have lunch with me?” He asked as he peered over his magazine. I laughed at him as I walked away. I had no intent on eating with him. “Look, Madelynne, I’m in pain too. He was my best friend.”
“Yeah, and you’re the reason that he’s gone.” I replied viciously before walking away.
“Madelynne, I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I can’t forgive myself. I just thought that maybe, maybe we can help each other.” The tears began to fall down my face. Not here.
“Cam,” I whispered as I watched sympathy fill his face. I had secretly always had a crush on him. He reached out slowly, touching my cheeks and wiping away the tears falling from my eyes.
“I’m just asking for friendship Mayjay.” He whispered. I was surprised to hear him say Brendon’s nickname for me. It was a horrible combination of my first and middle names, but Bren was the only one who could use it.
“Cam,” I whispered again before he pulled me into a hug. I pushed him away. “I can’t trust you.”
4:53 p.m.
I snuggled up in my blanket. I hadn’t used this window seat in ages. I had just begun to write in my journal again, when the doorbell sounded. Who in the world could that be? I made my way down to the door to find Cam standing outside. Immediately I slammed the door closed. The doorbell rang again. And again, and again.
“What do you want Cam?” He smiled, pulling a bouquet of daisies from behind his back.
“I just want to be friends.” I looked at him uncertain as he spoke.
“Please?”
“No Cam. I don’t even want to see you. You killed him.” I slammed the door again, this time running upstairs. I wrapped back into my blanket and picked up my journal, not really in the mood to write anymore. I looked at the blank page. I love blank paged journals. They are so unstructured, so… free. Sometimes I wondered if doing this even mattered anymore, if it was even helping. I flipped back to page one. To my darling and most talented sister, never forget your hopes or dreams. Fill this journal with your words like you’re going to do to the world someday. I love you. Brenny. I turned back to the blank page and began.
Day 64
I slept in his bed again last night. Surprisingly it still smelled like him. Mom left, I don’t know where dad is. He still won’t look at me. Mom said it was because Bren and I looked so much alike. I think that inside, dad still blames me for not being there, for not dying too, or for not dying instead. I wish he could see how bad it makes me feel. The first thing he said when he saw me in my bed that night, was that I should have been with him. That I shouldn’t have let him sneak out. I cut last night.
February 28, 2009
10:39 p.m.
I heard a soft knock on the door, and sat up in my bed.
“Come in.” The door creaked open, and dad poked his head in.
“Madelynne, can we talk?” He asked. His voice sounded hopeful, and he smiled when I nodded. He came in and took a seat on the edge of my bed. “Look Maddie, I’m moving out. I can’t take it here anymore.” I looked at him in shock. You have got to be kidding me.
“Are you serious?” I asked. He nodded. “Well, where are we going to go?” A frown covered his face.
“Maddie, I’m going, alone.” He explained, rubbing the back of his neck. I felt my mouth hang open. “Look, Madelynne, you are eighteen, you can take care of yourself, you have a job, and you can have the house. I’ll sign it over next week, it’s paid off, I’ll send you money for the bills, but I just can’t stay here.” I looked at him in shock.
“You’re leaving me, alone?” I asked as a hurt look covered my face.
“Yeah, I’m moving out tomorrow.” It was now that he got up to leave without saying another word.
March 1, 2009
2:48 a.m.
I sat in the bathtub watching the blood flow from thin slices in my legs. Each line flowed into another creating a picture in the form of beautiful chaos.
I remembered Brendon’s cuts; long jagged marks that marred his legs. I only saw them once. We were leaving, and I accidentally walked in on him changing. I was horrified. I didn’t understand why… how he could do that to himself. I think he might have even tried to explain, but I wasn’t willing to stay around to listen.
I waited until late that night to tell on him, I’m not sure that I should have now. Mom freaked out, and I thought that dad was going to beat him to death. I was positive that he was going to hate me, but at 3 a.m. when mom and dad finally went to bed, Bren snuck in my room. I must have apologized a thousand times, but he only waved it off as he turned off the light and crawled into bed with me.
He told me everything that night. About Carly, the girl he had met in New York. About he stayed in touch with her until she died. Suicide. I held him as he cried that night. As he went through the withdrawal from cutting; as he mourned the loss of what suicide had so easily stolen from him. Before that night, I had never seen Brendon cry. I didn’t like it, but I was glad to see that he trusted me with something this big. He told me that he had begun to cut when the night she died. And then, everything made sense. He was in love, and she was gone.
I never told him how bad it had hurt me because at the time it seemed selfish, and he was grieving. It’s not like he could help it anyway. But it still wounded me. We were twins. We had always done everything together. And he had gone off and fallen in love without me. Dang it Bren.
The hot tears made their way down my face, and for once I didn’t try to wipe them away. There was no one to hide from here. I cried myself out in that old bathtub before carefully bandaging my legs and retrieving my journal.
Day 71
Dawn is breaking and twelve new cuts have been made. Dad has left. I have to work with Cam, who is trying to be my friend again. I’m not really sure how to process all of this right now.
Brendon always told me to journal when the words were fresh in my mind. I left it open on my desk, allowing the pen to bookmark my page and crawled into bed. If there is one thing that I know, it’s that I can not go on alone. Cam comes to my mind instantly. Maybe, I thing as I drift off to unconsciousness.
12:27 p.m.
I winced as I slid into my jeans. My unhealed cuts rubbed against the fabric. The shower was horrible. Brendon never told me about the after effects of cutting. But I guess it was just something that I had to deal with now. I grabbed my keys off the desk and rummaged through my purse for my wallet. Giving up, I just took the whole thing. The mall was practically empty except for a large group of Brendon’s old friends sitting by the fountain. I tried to ignore them, I had to go and talk to Amy to see if there was any way that I could have my job back.
“Madelynne,” I heard Cam call. I sighed, I was almost there. Maybe I could act like I didn’t hear him. I began to walk a little faster. “Madelynne,” he said as he jogged to catch up. No, a getaway was not possible this time. I stopped and turned to him.
“What Cam?” I asked in an annoyed tone. This made him smile.
“Still hate me huh?” He asked making me roll my eyes and start to walk away. He grabbed my arm, “Madelynne, wait, please. I didn’t mean it. Look, I really wanted to talk to you.”
“Sorry Cam,” I said as I yanked my arm away storming off, “I have to be somewhere.”
He never moved from his spot. “Will you meet me for lunch? Please?” I walked into the store with no reply.
“Madelynne!” Ammiee shrieked as she ran over to me. “Hey! I’ve missed you.”
“Hey.” I said with a smile.
“Please tell me that you are coming to get your job back.” She pleaded. I nodded shocked. “Great. I still have your vest waiting on you.”
“Wow, thanks.” I said with a smile. “I can start tomorrow if you want.” I watched her eyes light up.
“Oh my gosh yes! Thank you! So tomorrow at four?” I nodded. Ammiee got a worried look on her face. “So have you started back to school yet?” I looked at her sheepishly.
“I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet.” She nodded and wrapped her arm around my shoulders.
“If you ever want to talk, you know I’m here for you.” I nodded as I began to walk towards the door. “See you tomorrow kiddo.”
I had just gotten outside the door, when I saw Cam sitting on the bench.
“Well hello there. Have lunch with me?” He asked as he peered over his magazine. I laughed at him as I walked away. I had no intent on eating with him. “Look, Madelynne, I’m in pain too. He was my best friend.”
“Yeah, and you’re the reason that he’s gone.” I replied viciously before walking away.
“Madelynne, I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I can’t forgive myself. I just thought that maybe, maybe we can help each other.” The tears began to fall down my face. Not here.
“Cam,” I whispered as I watched sympathy fill his face. I had secretly always had a crush on him. He reached out slowly, touching my cheeks and wiping away the tears falling from my eyes.
“I’m just asking for friendship Mayjay.” He whispered. I was surprised to hear him say Brendon’s nickname for me. It was a horrible combination of my first and middle names, but Bren was the only one who could use it.
“Cam,” I whispered again before he pulled me into a hug. I pushed him away. “I can’t trust you.”
4:53 p.m.
I snuggled up in my blanket. I hadn’t used this window seat in ages. I had just begun to write in my journal again, when the doorbell sounded. Who in the world could that be? I made my way down to the door to find Cam standing outside. Immediately I slammed the door closed. The doorbell rang again. And again, and again.
“What do you want Cam?” He smiled, pulling a bouquet of daisies from behind his back.
“I just want to be friends.” I looked at him uncertain as he spoke.
“Please?”
“No Cam. I don’t even want to see you. You killed him.” I slammed the door again, this time running upstairs. I wrapped back into my blanket and picked up my journal, not really in the mood to write anymore. I looked at the blank page. I love blank paged journals. They are so unstructured, so… free. Sometimes I wondered if doing this even mattered anymore, if it was even helping. I flipped back to page one. To my darling and most talented sister, never forget your hopes or dreams. Fill this journal with your words like you’re going to do to the world someday. I love you. Brenny. I turned back to the blank page and began.
Day 64
I slept in his bed again last night. Surprisingly it still smelled like him. Mom left, I don’t know where dad is. He still won’t look at me. Mom said it was because Bren and I looked so much alike. I think that inside, dad still blames me for not being there, for not dying too, or for not dying instead. I wish he could see how bad it makes me feel. The first thing he said when he saw me in my bed that night, was that I should have been with him. That I shouldn’t have let him sneak out. I cut last night.
February 28, 2009
10:39 p.m.
I heard a soft knock on the door, and sat up in my bed.
“Come in.” The door creaked open, and dad poked his head in.
“Madelynne, can we talk?” He asked. His voice sounded hopeful, and he smiled when I nodded. He came in and took a seat on the edge of my bed. “Look Maddie, I’m moving out. I can’t take it here anymore.” I looked at him in shock. You have got to be kidding me.
“Are you serious?” I asked. He nodded. “Well, where are we going to go?” A frown covered his face.
“Maddie, I’m going, alone.” He explained, rubbing the back of his neck. I felt my mouth hang open. “Look, Madelynne, you are eighteen, you can take care of yourself, you have a job, and you can have the house. I’ll sign it over next week, it’s paid off, I’ll send you money for the bills, but I just can’t stay here.” I looked at him in shock.
“You’re leaving me, alone?” I asked as a hurt look covered my face.
“Yeah, I’m moving out tomorrow.” It was now that he got up to leave without saying another word.
March 1, 2009
2:48 a.m.
I sat in the bathtub watching the blood flow from thin slices in my legs. Each line flowed into another creating a picture in the form of beautiful chaos.
I remembered Brendon’s cuts; long jagged marks that marred his legs. I only saw them once. We were leaving, and I accidentally walked in on him changing. I was horrified. I didn’t understand why… how he could do that to himself. I think he might have even tried to explain, but I wasn’t willing to stay around to listen.
I waited until late that night to tell on him, I’m not sure that I should have now. Mom freaked out, and I thought that dad was going to beat him to death. I was positive that he was going to hate me, but at 3 a.m. when mom and dad finally went to bed, Bren snuck in my room. I must have apologized a thousand times, but he only waved it off as he turned off the light and crawled into bed with me.
He told me everything that night. About Carly, the girl he had met in New York. About he stayed in touch with her until she died. Suicide. I held him as he cried that night. As he went through the withdrawal from cutting; as he mourned the loss of what suicide had so easily stolen from him. Before that night, I had never seen Brendon cry. I didn’t like it, but I was glad to see that he trusted me with something this big. He told me that he had begun to cut when the night she died. And then, everything made sense. He was in love, and she was gone.
I never told him how bad it had hurt me because at the time it seemed selfish, and he was grieving. It’s not like he could help it anyway. But it still wounded me. We were twins. We had always done everything together. And he had gone off and fallen in love without me. Dang it Bren.
The hot tears made their way down my face, and for once I didn’t try to wipe them away. There was no one to hide from here. I cried myself out in that old bathtub before carefully bandaging my legs and retrieving my journal.
Day 71
Dawn is breaking and twelve new cuts have been made. Dad has left. I have to work with Cam, who is trying to be my friend again. I’m not really sure how to process all of this right now.
Brendon always told me to journal when the words were fresh in my mind. I left it open on my desk, allowing the pen to bookmark my page and crawled into bed. If there is one thing that I know, it’s that I can not go on alone. Cam comes to my mind instantly. Maybe, I thing as I drift off to unconsciousness.