I Saw Your Heart as It Overtook Me

I lay there on the couch in Zacky and Amber's living room back here in Huntington. I heard Amber talking about something in the kitchen, but I didn't really take any notice as to what she was saying. I was too busy thinking about how fucking crappy my life has been since that day in July.

As you probably would have guessed, Zacky totally flipped when he opened his hotel room door to find me standing in the threshold, baggage in tow, crying my eyes out, and rambling on about Matt coming back with a different chick. And of course he demanded me to stay in the room with Amber and Miss Lovella while he went off to go beat the shit out of Matt.

When Zacky came back to the room it seemed as if he had absolutely no idea what to say to me, nor did I know what to say to him. It was as if all I could do was cry. By 5:30 in the morning I was already in the downstairs lobby waiting for the cab to show up. I wasn't going to stick around any longer, I just wanted to get home as soon as I could. Except the thing was my 'home' actually belonged to Matt.

So Amber had come back with me to Huntington to help me move my stuff back to her and Zacky's house for the time being. Of course Miss Lovella had come back with us as well seeing as how she couldn't very well stay with Zacky and the guys.

I'm not going to lie to you guys and say I've been doing just fine since I've been back because the truth is it's been absolute Hell these past few weeks. As much as I don't want to admit it, I miss Matt so fucking much. It wasn't like when we were separated for a week that time, no, no, this hurt much, much more. I guess because this time I knew we were definitely broken up, whereas the other time we just got into a little fight and didn't talk. But this time ... I knew that he had been with another woman.

Do you know how much it hurts when your fiance considers you second best to someone else? Its one thing to have them prioritize something else over you ... but prioritize another woman over you? Yeah, not exactly the best feeling in the world.

I grabbed a hold of the remote and changed the channel to MTV to watch reruns of Viva La Bam. I heard Azriel meowing from somewhere on the floor and I looked over to see him looking at me with his big, sad, yellow eyes.

"Hey buddy." I whispered, reaching over to pick him up.

I sat him down beside me only to have him hop up onto my lap a couple seconds later. He meowed once more before curling himself into a ball and closing his eyes, his claws digging a little into my legs as he curled and uncurled his little paws, purring like there was no tomorrow.

"Lauren?" Amber asked, walking into the living room.

"What's up." I mumbled as I began to absentmindedly run my hand over Azriel's soft coat.

"Um ... Zacky's on the phone for you." She said softly, holding it out to me.

"Tell him I don't feel like talking right now."

"Lauren." Amber sighed. "He's your brother and he's worried about you; just talk to him, hun." She said, nudging me slightly with the dumb phone.

I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before I reluctantly took the phone from her and held it to my ear.

"Hi brother." I whispered.

"Hey Lauren." He replied, almost as quiet as I had answered the phone. "How are you holdin' up?"

"I'm holding up pretty much like a straw house."

"Lauren." He sighed, much like Amber had a few seconds before. "Seriously, sister, how are you?"

"I feel like crap Zacky." I said honestly. "I know it's been like a fucking month and a half but still ... I still feel like crap."

"He asks about you every day, Lauren. Of course I tell him to mind his own fucking business but I kind of feel bad for doing that." Zacky mumbled. "I mean ... Matt's my best friend ... but you're my sister ... Hell yeah I'm gonna be a jackass to him for what he fucking did."

"Yeah, well more power to you." I said in monotone.

I honestly didn't want to be talking about Matt just then.

"Yeah ... I guess." Zacky muttered. "Anyway, guess what I found the other day."

"A gun to shoot myself with?"

"Lauren, don't talk like that." Zacky scolded. "Actually I found a cool pottery wheel for you."

"A pottery wheel?"

"Yeah, a pottery wheel." He said quietly. "You ... you don't ... want it?"

"Of course I do, brother."

"Oh, you didn't really sound too ... excited about it." He muttered.

"No, no, of course I'm excited, Zacky. It's just that I haven't worked on the wheel for a long time."

"Oh." He laughed. "Well, it's on its way back to the house in a big FedEx truck, okay?'

"Alrighty."

There was a slight silence that fell between Zacky and I during which I focused back on Azriel's soft coat.

"So um ... our flight comes in at 11:30 tomorrow morning." Zacky spoke up.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah ... "

I had already known when the guys' flight was coming in.

"Um ... Lauren ... do you think that you could come pick us up?" Zacky asked hesitantly.

I opened my mouth to reply but Zacky cut me off.

"You don't have to give Matt a ride home; I'll make his fucking ass take a cab back to his place."

"Brother." I sighed.

"Lauren, I would seriously take the cab too but I just have too much stuff ... I have my guitars, my clothes ... "

"Okay brother, I'll come pick you up." I said softly. "I'm just ... not really looking forward to seeing Matt."

"I know sister; I'm sorry. It's just that Amber has to take Love to a doctors appointment tomorrow and ... " He trailed off, sighing a little.

"It's okay Zacky. I know I'm gonna have to face him sooner or later; I was just hoping later rather than sooner." I said quietly. "I'll be there tomorrow, 11:30, pronto."

"Okay." He said with a little hint of a smile in his voice. "So ... I guess I'll see you then, sister."

"Yeah, tomorrow, 11:30, pronto." I smirked.

"Shut up." He laughed. "I love you sister."

"I love you too, Zacky." I said softly. "Bye."

"Bye, Lauren."

I hung up the phone and sat it on top of the arm rest, sighing heavily to myself as I did so. There was a time much like this where I had been dreading to go someplace and ironically it also had something to do with Matt. Tomorrow I would be forced to come face to face with Matt after six long weeks of having not seen or heard from him at all. Although it wouldn't be for another twenty four hours, I already felt the pain building up inside my chest where my heart once stood.

****************************************

I tugged nervously at the bottom of my tank top as I stood there, waiting in front of the gate the guys were supposed to be arriving at. It was already announced overhead that the plane itself had already landed. So now here I was, standing around with a handful of other people also waiting to pick up their passengers.

Finally, after about ten minutes of standing there, the gate doors opened and a various assortment of people began to file out. After about the twentieth person I recognized Jimmy's tall, slender figure and I quickly made my way over to him before I got lost in the crowd. After pushing my way through mobs of strangers, and stepping over many, many feet, I finally got a clear view of Jimmy standing with his arm around Alyssa's shoulders, the both of them looking around for the rest of the gang.

"Jimmy!" I yelled, waving my hand frantically. "Alyssa!"

They turned their heads in my direction and spotted me just before a rather large old man stepped in front of me, blocking my view. I had to wait for a few seconds for him to move before I could head over to Jimmy and Alyssa. I shoved my way past a young couple, sucking face like their lives depended on it, carefully stepped over a cardboard box labeled 'Fragile,' and thought I had a clear shot to Jimmy and Alyssa when my foot got caught on someone else's, causing me to eat it big time.

Luckily I was able to throw my hands out in front of me in time to keep me from breaking my nose on the cold, tile floor. I lay there for a couple of seconds, trying to regain my composure and trying to think of the best way to play it off. I took a deep breath and slowly started to climb to my feet when a hand grabbed a hold of mine, helping me up.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, it was all my fault." They said hurriedly. "Are you okay? You're not hurt, are you?"

I didn't answer because I knew exactly who it was that was helping me up. I brushed my hair out of my face and straightened out, hesitation a couple of seconds before I looked up into Matt's vivid green eyes.

"I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking where I was goi-" He stopped himself in mid sentence when he finally realized who I was.

"I - L-Lauren. Oh shit, I-I didn't mean to trip you ... I ... " He trailed off, his cheeks flushing a deep shade of red. "I'm sorry." He added in whisper.

"For what? Tripping me or cheating on me?" I asked coldly.

He opened his mouth and closed it real fast, biting his lip as if he were afraid to say anything else. His eyes began to glaze over and he blinked a couple of times, looking as if he were trying anything he could to keep the tears from falling.

"Sister." Zacky's voice came from behind me. "There you a- Hey! Get the fuck away from my sister." He snarled, pulling me away from Matt.

Matt tried his hardest to grab onto my hand but as Zacky pulled me further and further away from him, my hand slipped out of his grasp, leaving Matt all to himself in the middle of the crowd. I glanced back at him only last time before I turned around and followed Zacky over to where the rest of the gang was standing waiting for us.

- || Matt's POV || -
I stood there, watching Lauren walk away from me. I bit my lip even harder and reached up to wipe away the random tears that had fallen from my eyes. I'm not sure how long I stood there, watching as she gave hugs to Johnny, Shawna, Jimmy, Alyssa, Brian, Lissa, and finally her brother. They all looked so happy to see her and vice versa.

It killed me to know that a month and a half ago she would have been just as happy to see me, but because I'm a stupid fuck up ... it breaks her heart just to think of me.

I sniffed back some more tears and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. I reluctantly tore my gaze away from my former fiance and hitched my bag straps up higher onto either of my shoulders before I slowly made my way through the crowd and towards the exit. It didn't take long for me to flag down a cab and some time later I found myself standing in front of my house.

I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand as I walked up the sidewalk and to the front door. I pulled out my keys and quickly slid it into the lock, swinging the door open a few seconds later. Oh Lord, how I hated this eerie silence that was settled in the house. I hated how empty it felt, how unwelcoming it was.

I dragged my bags through the threshold and kicked the door shut behind me. I brought my bags into the laundry room and dumped the clothes out of one bag, while I sat the other bag on top of the counter. I adjusted everything on the washing machine and turned it on, letting it fill up with water while I sorted out my dirty clothes.

I decided to wash my pants and stuff first so I sat there, pulling them out of the pile and throwing them into the washing machine.

Normally Lauren would be here with me, hassling me while she sat on top of the dryer, her legs dangling over the side. She'd be talking about some random shit we had done, reminiscing about all the good times we shared. But not anymore ... it's probable that she was lying on the couch at Zacky's house, a mountain dew in one hand with the remote in the other, trying her hardest not to think of me.

Those few seconds at the airport where I was able to hold her hand in my own were the best few seconds I've had in these past six weeks. Lord knows I've cried every single night over what I've done to her, he's the only one who knows how much it hurt for me to go on, knowing what I did that night.

And why did I do it you ask? I honestly don't know why. I was drunk, but I know that's no fucking excuse. I've always been known to make stupid decisions, but never before had I done something as stupid as this.

I finished sorting out my clothes and threw the last of my pants into the washing machine. I stood up and closed the lid, turning around and leaning with my back against it as I thought to myself. I dug into my pocket and pulled out the chain I had been packing around with me since the morning that Lauren had left me.

The diamonds on the white gold engagement ring sparkled back up at me, much like they did the first day I had bought it. I took the chain and slipped it over my head, letting it rest around my neck. I know it's a very, very, very long shot but one day I was going to slip this ring back onto Lauren Amber Baker's finger and give her the life that I had promised I would.

Yes, like I said, a very long shot.
- || End of Matt's POV || -