I Saw Your Heart as It Overtook Me

I lay there trying my hardest to stifle a laugh as I watched Zacky's facial expressions twist and contort into various levels of disgust. Amber was at the store getting some stuff for our little barbeque we were having and she had been brave enough to leave Love home with Zacky.

A few minutes after Amber had left it became apparent that Love needed a new diaper. Normally Zacky would make me change her diaper but at the moment I was pretending to sleep. My brother knew better than to wake me up so he sucked it up and was now attempting something I'd never thought I'd see him do.

I've been watching him for the past fifteen minutes but sad to say he's made very little progress.

"Oh goodness, Love, I don't see how your mom and auntie can do this on a regular basis." Zacky mumbled. "They're brave; that's all I can say."

A couple minutes later Zacky and finally succeeded in cleaning Lovella and getting a new diaper on her. He raised his arms in triumph and celebrated for a couple of seconds before he took Love into his arms and stood up. Love, however, started to cry as soon as he straightened himself out.

"Oh no, sweetheart, what's wrong now?" Zacky asked, trying to calm her down.

"You put her diaper on backwards, genius." I said.

"Oh holy shit." Zacky shrieked. "How long have you been awake?"

"Since a couple minutes before Amber left." I replied.

"You mean you've been watching me this whole damn time?"

"Yup, that's exactly what I mean." I smirked. "I wanted to see what sort of skills you had."

"Hmpf, whatever." He huffed as he sat Love back down to fix her diaper.

"Hmpf, whatever." I mimicked as I pulled myself into sitting position and stretched a little.

"Sweetheart, I'm going to tell you this one time and one time only; your auntie is retarded and very immature." Zacky told Lovella, who just responded by blowing a little bubble with her baby drool.

"And I'm gonna tell you one time and one time only; you're a little crybaby with very freakishly white legs." I told Zacky.

He eyes were reduced to dangerous slits within a couple of seconds.

"Piss off." He muttered, taking Lovella into his arms and standing back up.

I opened my mouth to throw another smarty statement his way when the doorbell interrupted me. Zacky shot me another dirty look before he disappeared into the hallway to see whoever was at the door. I heard the hinges creak a little bit as he opened the door, followed but a couple seconds of silence, and then -

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Zacky asked somewhat angrily.

Three guesses as to who it could have been.

"I ... I came to talk to Lauren." Matt said quietly.

"I told you that you couldn't talk to her anymore." My brother said stiffly.

"Zacky, please ... I just have to talk to her."

I crossed my fingers and silently prayed that Zacky would say no.

"Alright, fine. But if she so has a single tear fall down I swear to God I'll kick your fucking ass."

Matt said something else but I wasn't able to hear what it was because at the moment I was busy trying to make a mad dash for the stairs.

"Lauren, knock it off." Zacky sighed as he walked in with Matt following close behind.

I stood there as if I were frozen on the spot, staring at Matt with so many thoughts and emotions running through my head. I wanted to scream obscenities at him, throw anything I could at him, run over and hit him as hard as I could ... but then again I wanted to run over and fall into his arms, letting him hold me like he used to ...

"Um ... h-hi Lauren." Matt stuttered.

"H-Hi Lauren." Zacky mocked. "Honestly Matt, maybe you should come back when you grow some fucking balls."

Matt glanced over at Zacky for a split second and then turned his gaze back to me. In a way it hurt to see the sadness in his eyes, but then again it served the son of a bitch right.

"Lauren, can we talk in the other room?" He asked quietly.

I tore my eyes from Matt and looked at my brother, who in turn shrugged his shoulders while holding tightly to Love.

"Yeah, I suppose." I muttered, turning around and leading him into the other little sort of den area that was just off of the main living room.
I took a seat on one of the couches while Matt shut the door quietly behind him. He stood there, staring at me for a couple of seconds before he slowly made his way over and took a seat beside me. I couldn't help but scoot myself away from him, causing him to frown a little.

"Lauren ... I know that my apologies mean absolutely shit to you, but I'm sorry for what I did." He said quietly.

I stared blankly at him, not really knowing what to say.

"And I know you said not so say this but ... I love you Lauren. I love you so much and I've been kicking my ass everyday since I went off and did that stupid shit to you."

Again, I didn't know what to say.

Matt shifted nervously in his spot and put his hands in his lap, looking as if he were thinking hard about what to say next.

"Matt?" I asked suddenly.

I think I may have startled him because he jumped a little.

"I know I probably won't like the answer, but exactly what did you do with her?"

Matt bit his lip and shrugged his shoulders a little.

"I ... I was on my way to the bathroom when I ran into her. I was absolutely shit faced and she recognized who I was ... we went outside to the back of the club and she ... gave me a blow job."

He paused for a few seconds, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly while I frantically fought back the tears that were almost ready to spill.

"And then we, um ... "

"Had sex." I mumbled. "In a fucking alleyway."

"Lauren ... You asked ... " He said quietly.

"Yeah, I know I did Matt." I replied. "And judging by your tone ... that's not all you did with the bitch but for now I'm just going to pretend that it is."

Matt looked down to the floor, neither admitting nor denying that what I said was true. I bit my lip and closed my eyes as a last minute attempt to stop the tears.

"Lauren - "

"Matt, what's the real reason why you came here?" I asked, not daring to open my eyes.

"I ... I came to ask you for your forgiveness."

"Ha ... your forgiveness Mathew?" I replied, opening my eyes, not caring about the tears that were beginning to fall. "It's gonna take a lot longer for me to forgive you for doing something this stupid."

"I ... well, there's something else I came here for too." He said hesitantly, reaching over to wipe my tears away.

Surprisingly I didn't pull away from his touch.

"I came to ask you for one more chance ... One more chance is all I ask Lauren." He said, almost in a whisper.

"Matt, in the very beginning all you asked was for one chance." I said quietly. "And I gave it to you ... look what you did with that chance. You cheated, you broke my heart, and you broke all your promises."

"Lauren, please." Matt begged. "I know what I did was very fucking wrong, and I'm sorry. But ... I love you so much Lauren, more than you'll ever know. I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I can't do anything anymore knowing that you're no longer with me."

"Matt ... " I trailed off, shaking my head. "Even if I wanted to forgive you ... I can't. You knew how hesitant I was to give my heart to someone else. You knew how fragile it actually was ... "

"Lauren, one more chance. I'll make it up to you, I swear. I'll never, ever do anything ... no more strip clubs, no more porno, I-I won't even look at another chick ever again. Please, Lauren."

"Matt, it's too late." I whispered. "I can't."

"Lauren, no-"

"Matt, it's too late." I repeated.

"Lauren, I love you." He said quietly, grabbing a hold of my hand to keep me from standing up.

"You love me, Matt?" I asked. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Matt stared back at me, his green, somewhat bloodshot eyes locked with my own. He opened his mouth to reply but closed it again, looking as if he didn't know what to say.

"Matt." I sighed. "I once told you what I thought about love, that it's nothing but an overrated idea that people cling onto in belief that it'd be their savior from this cold, lonely world. And you said that one could only go so long without anyone to share their life with. Well ... I decided to take a chance Matt. To take a chance with you, with this whole love business ... " I trailed off, watching as the tears slowly started to fall down either of Matt's unshaven cheeks.

"I took a chance and opened up to you ... and you totally blew it. I can't be like you, Matt. I can't look to love as my salvation, it's too hard. I'd rather face the pain of loneliness than that pain of being hurt by someone I trusted."

"Lauren ... I never said that love was easy." Matt said softly. "It's something you have to work hard at, day in, day out. I'm only human, Lauren, I made a mistake, okay? I never meant to hurt you."

"Yeah, well you did Matt." I muttered.

Matt sat there, blinking once more twice as if to blink back anymore tears that were threatening to fall.

"Matt." I said softly. "You came here to ask for my forgiveness, right?"

He tightened his grip on my hand and reached up to wipe his face with his free hand.

"Yeah." He mumbled.

"Well ... you have it. I understand you make mistakes Matt, everybody makes them, me most of all. But what I can't do ... is give you another chance, Matt. I can't love you like I once did."

Matt's POV
I sat there, numbed by heartache and the words Lauren had just said. They weren't true, they couldn't be true. As much as I wanted to turn away, I continued to hold her stare, searching her green eyes for any signs of a lie hidden behind them. However ... there was nothing there awaiting my sight but pure, brutal honesty.

I bit my lip and lowered my gaze just as my heart hit the floor. I couldn't believe what I had done. Because of my foolish actions, Lauren had turned away from love ... possibly forever. It's true, I fucking knew how fragile her heart was but still I went off and did all that stupid shit.

I had the perfect life set before me but I fucking blew it into the next dimension. Sure, I still had my career and my friends, but as for my fiance? She was gone ... broken, battered, and bruised. And without her in my life, nothing really mattered anymore. Like I once said, living the high life is great, but when you have no one to share it with, it all means absolutely shit.
End of Matt's POV