Weevil Hunting

Ianto Jones exited from his favorite building in the village, his nose buried in his porn magazine and a wagon full of them in his other hand. He said hello to the butcher, the fat lady putting up her laundry, the old man jacking off in the alley and the three Baudelaire children committing suicide as he made his way back home, continuing to read his prized reading article.

Suddenly Ianto bumped into something hard, dropping his book and knocking the thing over. He squeaked, scrambling to pick up his magazine before moving to apologize to the person he knocked over.

Ugh... Gibby

Despite his disgust towards the total nerd, Ianto held out his hand and helped Gibby to his feet. Once Gibby realized who was helping him a big, dorky smile adorned his face.

"Hey Ianto. What's up?"

Ianto frowned and muttered reluctantly, "Hi, Gibby."

"So, whatcha doin' in town - hey is that a Justin Beiber porn magazine?"

Ianto's eyes widened and he quickly hid the magazine in his vest over his shirt. "No."

Gibby's face fell, "Darn. That boy is sexy."

"He sure is...."Ianto murmured dreamily.

For a moment there, they were silent, thinking about banging that boy until he couldn't sing anymore. And then Gibby snapped out of it, shaking his head, remembering why he was even looking for Ianto in the first place.not because he's hot

"Oh, hey, Ianto, your father asked me to come get you. He said he needed help building his new invention... something called a 'condom'?"

"Oh! I was supposed to help him pick out the colors for glow in the dark ones." Ianto started to run, "Thanks Gibby!" He called before disappearing into the woods.

*******************

Ianto reached the Playboy Mansion as fast as he could, running through the maze like halls to find his father. His chest squeezed with guilt as the seconds clicked by... that is until he saw a peak of Justin Beiber doing a naked photo shot.

Ianto froze in step, leaning into the cracked open door and hearing himself gasp in amazement. His gaze racked over the hot boy's body, his pants suddenly too tight on his thighs.

Oh, shiiiittt, he thought.

Some other hot guy walked up Justin and they were suddenly making out, their hands gropping each other's bodies with fierce passion. Ianto's jaw dropped open.

And then a black thing was blocking his few and his face fell. Looking up he realized that thing was a shirt. And that shirt belonged to a giant, muscular security guard.

Oh shit

The guy gripped Ianto's arm, whipped him around, then two guys grabbed each of his arms and lifted him up, carrying him down the hall. Ianto didn't know where, but he was afraid of it either way.

The guards carried him down the hall, took a left, then a right, then another left, stopped at the red light, then took a right before entering a door that resembled a vagina. Ianto's face paled when he realized it was his father's room.

Tossing Ianto to the floor, the guards stood with their hands folded behind their backs as Ianto's father studied the picture.

"What did he do this time?" Rice asked, his perfect eyebrows raised in question and the steely color of his gaze making one of the guard's pee himself.

"We caught him spying on a video shoot of Justin Beiber, sir."

Rice laughed. "Is that so?"

"Yes, sir."

"Alright, I'll talk take care of it. Thanks, boys." Rice led the guards to the door, gave them both a good smack on the behind, then slammed the door shut. Rice whirled around to face Ianto, his face contorted in anger.

Ianto squeaked, scrambling to his feet and slowly backing away from his father.

"You're late," Rice said. "Why?"

"I - I, um..."

Rice rolled his eyes. "Come on, Ianto. I'm only kidding. Now move it, we need these glow in the dark colors submitted before testing in an hour."

Testing didn't last long, but they used Usher, which turned out to be a great idea, because they could see the condom without Usher's skin getting in the way.

Ianto helped his father sort out a few contracts and checks for the models other than Usher, including those who assisted his father in creating the ribbed glow in the dark condoms. Afterwords, a man confronted his father about a business thing and Ianto left, heading straight for the food table. He was starving and really wanted to get into the new magazines he'd gotten from the library today.

Settling down into a chair inside his father's office, he picked up his Justin Beiber magazine while eating a cookie shaped like a cock. He licked the icing off the head, then bit it off, moving the rest of it in and out of his mouth a few times before eating that.

About ten minutes later, Rice entered the room and pulled a chair over so he could sit in front of his son. Ianto put the magazine down, giving his full attention to his father.

"I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Rob just got a call from the mansion up on the Hill of Death. A few things were confusing, but the Beast of there wants a video tutorial on masturbation and the post office won't let us send a messenger boy up there."

"What?" Ianto asked in surprise. "You can't go up there! The Beast will eat you!"

"Oh calm down, Ianto. We settled a contract with the Beast. I'm perfectly safe."

"A piece of paper won't stop him when he's invulnerable! Why not email him the video?"

"He doesn't have internet way up there! That place up there is Wi-Fi dead. And he doesn't even have a computer."

"So he says," Ianto grumbled. "Why can't you send someone else?"

"Because I'm the most reliable, Ianto. I'm not afraid to face the Beast. Honestly, he's just a poor soul with an ugly face. Nobody understands him, it's why he's so monstrous."

Ianto's brows furrowed in confusion at his father's ignorance. How could he not see that the Beast was as horrible as people say he is? He ate innocent people, even little Girl Scouts who were trying to sell him cookies. The Beast wasn't misunderstood, he was just a monster.

"Father, I don't think you should go."

"It doesn't matter what you think, Ianto. It's business. Someday, you'll understand. When you're older." Rice patted his head and stood up, leaving his son alone in the office.

***********************

It's been days. Days sine Ianto's seen his father. The fear that the Beast had eaten him boiled up more as each minute passed. It caused anger to rise within Ianto, he wanted to kill the Beast. To make him suffer.

So, he saddled up his pink and sparkly unicorn, heading out onto Scorpion Road that was a straight line to the Hill of Death where the Beast lived in his ginormous castle.

A few days passed and Ianto went through the Evil Forest of Tree Rapists, getting his share of twigs up his ass. Then he traveled into the Caves of Doom, which is plagued with a green gas that makes you laugh until you suddenly drop dead. He barely made it out alive.

Finally he reached the Beast's castle's front gate, staring at the big B in the center. He sighed and walked up to the intercom, pressing the button and a tiny, goblin voice coming through.

"Do you have an appointment?"

"Er... no. I'm here to see the Beast about my father."

The goblin on the other end sighed. "You can't enter the castle without an appointment. I'm sorry, sir."

"But my father is being held captive!"

"Dude, I have no control over that. Why don't you people realize that I'm just a receptionist? The Beast takes whoever he wants. It ain't my duty to keep track of what goes on in there."

Ianto shouted out in frustration, "then get the Beast! Let me talk to him myself!"

"How many times to have to tell you? Nobody can see the Beast without an appointment."

"Then I'll make an appointment, right now!"

"I'm sorry sir, but somebody is already scheduled."

"When is your next free space?" Ianto asked reluctantly and frustrated.

"In about two weeks."

"Two weeks?!"

"The Beast is a busy man." The goblin said simply.

"Fuck the schedule goblin, let me in!"

"I can't -"

Ianto slapped the reins of his unicorn and it jumped, leaning back on its hind legs before bringing his front ones forwards to knock the gate open. Ianto burst through the first try, slapping the reins again to get his unicorn to run across the bridge to the giant front door.

Hopping off, Ianto grasped the big handle and knocked it against the wood. Glancing to his right, he realized there was a door bell and pushed that too.

A live toaster answered the door, took one glance at Ianto and immediately began to shut the door. Ianto lurched forward and stuck his foot in between the door and the jam. His breath caught in pain.

"Ow."

The toaster pulled the door back, then slammed it forward again, crushing Ianto's foot. He cried out, yanking his foot back, the door shutting instantly after.

"Damn it!" He yelled. "Open the door little toaster! I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your -"

His horse suddenly whinnied, backed up on it's hind legs and rushed forward, breaking the door down. How that was even possible, Ianto didn't know, but he also didn't care.

Leaping onto his unicorn once again, he slapped the reins and stormed into the castle, shouting "Beast!" Hoping the horrible creature would approach him on his own this time.

And he did.

Out of the shadows, the ugliest and scariest creature he'd ever seen stepped in front of his unicorn, reached his hand out, grasped the nose of the unicorn and twisted, snapping the beautiful neck.

Ianto fell right over the top of his unicorn's head, smacking the hard marble floor. He groaned, rolled over and gasped at the sight of his dead unicorn.

"No!" He shouted and leaped over to it, cradling its head in his lap and smoothing back the long mane of pink hair.

"Why are you here?" Asked a malicious voice, ragged and gruff.

Ianto looked up at the Beast and glared. "I came for my father."

"You mean, Rice?"

"Yes."

"Oh, well, you're too late. I just ate him for breakfast."

Ianto's face drained of all color, mouth dropping open. And then rage took over. He lunged at the Beast, attempting to get his hands around his ugly throat. But the Beast's own giant hand grabbed Ianto's shirt and yanked him to a stop.

"Jeez, I was only kidding. I don't eat people, that's disgusting. Your father stayed for a few days because of the storm up here. It's hardly ever sunny on the Hill of Death."

Ianto's eyes widened with realization. "Oh...," the Beast released him. "Then I should get going. My father and I have work to do."

The Beast shook his head. "That's not a good idea. A blizzard is on its way and you definitely don't want to be trapped in one of those. Your death is certain."

Ianto's brows furrowed as he studied the Beast. "Why are you so nice?"

"Why shouldn't I be?"

"Well, you're... ugly and monstrous."

The Beast snarled at that. "Yes, that much is obvious, jack ass. But you nor anybody else understands me. Nobody on this stupid planet ever will."

And with that, the Beast turned on his heels, bring his cape forward to flow behind him. "You can leave now, if you'd like," he called over his shoulder without looking back.

Ianto frowned and called for the Beast, but he didn't reappear. Should I go after him? Ianto thought. Is he luring me in like all the stories say he does?

Cursing himself, Ianto ran after the Beast, calling "Wait!" It took awhile, but he finally caught up to the Beast and carefully grasped the beast's arm. "Wait."

The Beast turned to look at him with cold, black eyes. "What, mysterious boy?"

"I'm sorry, okay? I just - I wasn't using my head. I didn't think before I spoke. And I was afraid for my father's life. I'm sorry and I would really like to know your name. Your real name."

The Beast stared him for a few seconds, looked down at Ianto's hand on his arm and his lips turned up in a grotesque smile. "Jack. The name is Jack."