Take This To Heart

I don't remember the needle being jabbed into my arm or even the ride to the hospital, so when I woke up, I was pretty freaked.

The IV that was in my arm freaked me out even more. I hated needles ever since Christine had told me that you're arm would rot off if one with drugs was jammed into your skin. I was five at the time, and it was her way of keeping me away from drugs, making sure I didn't try them. But injection is just one of the many ways to take drugs. I started snorting. It was easier and I didn't have that much to fear from. You could get HIV or AIDS from needles. You couldn't from snorting, but later on in life, I’d tried heroine and using a needle was the most common way of getting it into your system. I was still afraid of needles, even if I was the one doing the needle jabbing.

I pulled the adhesive tape off and jerked the needled out of my arm in a much unfashionable manner. I gasped at the small pain that it caused and let out a small whimper. A nurse came running in, seeing what I'd done. She placed her hands on her hips and muttered something about dealing with teenager junkies. I automatically didn't like her and glared her down, a little cautious of what she was going to do now.

She grabbed an anti-bacterial wipe from the cabinet and cleaned my arm where I pulled out the needle. As she did that, she managed to let out, "You have some very worried guardians, Mr. Phoenix." She slid the needle back into my arm and replaced the adhesive tape. She took another clean needle and stuck it in the top of the IV bag before pushing the plunger and releasing the drug into the liquid that they were feeding me. "I'll let them know you're awake."

I didn't nod, but she stuck to her word and Mona entered the room. She looked like she'd been crying, but someone outside the door was sobbing and sniffling like a small child. The person outside the room contained himself before entering the room and I was completely confused when Alex entered the room. I immediately looked away. Alex wiped away a few stray tears before he started talking.

"Phoenix-" his voice cracked. I ignored him, turning the other way and managing to jerk the IV in my attempt. Someone placed a hand on my arm and I jerked away again muttering a, "Don't touch me."

I figured it was Alex because the person removed his arm before the room silenced again and Mona told Alex too look at her, that he couldn't go on acting this way or she'd go and pay the doctors to sedate him and get him calmed down.

"What tha heck am I supposed to do?" He asked, angered. I chanced a glance at him and he looked horrible. He had dark circles under his eyes and they were red and puffy from crying too much without any rest. His hair was actually brushed and not sticking up at odd angels. His jeans didn't seem as tight as they were before and seem to hang on his hips. He seemed a little bit skinner and I wondered how long I'd been out.

I asked.

Mona slowly turned to me and stared at me before answering. "About two weeks."

My mouth fell open slightly in confusion and horror. "No." I mumbled out. "I didn't-" I stuttered. "It couldn't have…" I squeezed my eyes together. "No." I repeated.

Alex wiped his eyes. "Yeah," Mona said, "You were." She gave Alex a nervous look and clapped her hands together. "Um…" She let out, looking as nervous as a sheep whom had seen a wolf crouching a few feet away. "Alex has something he wants to share with you. So…" She pointed at the door with both thumbs. "I'll leave." She walked from the room leaving us two together, leaving me to wonder what he was going to say.

"Phoenix-" I cut him off as his voice cracked again when he said my name.

"No, its fine." I said as if him leaving wasn't a big deal.

"You didn't read all the way through, did you?" He asked, ignoring my statement. "You read the first few words then you went up to your room planning how to off yourself." He sounded both angered and upset. I didn't answer. I couldn't. My mouth was glued shut with confusion, wondering what the rest of the letter mattered when the first two words said it all. He nodded in understanding. "That letter wasn't meant for you; It was meant for Mona, but since your name was wrote on it, I guess she thought it was for you….She wasn't at the front desk this morning so we couldn't explain it to her. Some other girl was there: long blonde hair, grey eyes, looks as if she adores kids?"

I knew who he was talking about, but the drugs that were being pumped into my system made thinking difficult. Sarah? Or was her name Laura? I couldn't remember. I picked at the stray thread hanging from the blanket.

"I was apologizing for not being able to be there for the next few weeks. When I got the phone message," His voice wavered, "I don't even remember what I was doing, but you sounded screwed and it worried me. All I remember was hearing your recorded voice and then knowing something was wrong and grabbed the keys and left. When I got on the highway, I got a panicked phone call from the hospital and Mona was on the other end screaming something about you not responding to any medical treatment." He paused.

"When I asked her what you'd done, she said in a real quite voice that you overdosed on sleeping pills. I think the phone slid out of my hand then because I heard Mona's voice but it was far away and then the phone was in the floor. I pressed on the speed so fast that I honestly didn't care anymore and if I was just a little more reckless, I'd have ended up dead. I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted to get to you and Mona and wanted you both to be OK." He wiped his eyes again and sniffled. "I didn't want this to be my fault. I honestly didn't want it to. But it did and I realize the only thing you want to have to deal with me right now would be a game of Russian Roulette with me as the victim and I can honestly understand that. As soon as you get better, I'm leaving. For good. That way I can't mess up your life anymore. Alright?"

I didn't answer at first and Alex dropped in the chair to my left and started to cry but he hardly made a noise. I blinked them and then looked at him. "I don't hate you, Alex. But you have a right to hate me. I'm so messed up that I don't even think the best shrink could make much progress. It's not you. It's me." He didn't look at me. "Will you do me a favor?" I asked him.

He glanced up at me, looking weak and pathetic. I took that as a sign that he was listening. "When you leave, will you forget you even met me? Don't mention it to the paparazzi or anything. For all I care, don't even remember my name."

He gave a small smile. "Maybe that’s best." He added as a tear leaked its way down his cheek. He quickly brushed it away.

I studied his even skinner frame and muttered, "Another thing. Promise me you'll go down to the cafeteria right now and eat? Please?"

He didn't reply, but he just looked away. When he finally muttered something, I couldn't hear him so I had to ask him to repeat it.

"I said," he pulled his knees to his chest and rested his feet on the chair. "I've been eating, but I can't keep anything down."

"Why?" I asked, concerned. "Are you sick?"

"Yeah." He repeated, smirking. "It's called guilt."

I sighed. "Alex, no. You've got eat something. Two weeks of not eating and you look like your dead and your pants aren't skinny jeans anymore." I pointed out his jeans that hung on his frame and he shook his head.

"I can't." He studied the floor tiles before looking up back at me. "And I dropped a size in jeans since the incident."

I didn't say anything else. I couldn't. I didn't know what to say.