Take This To Heart

I walked up to my room for a change. When I got there, there was a duffel bag on my bed, open with a few select clothing items hanging from the bag, the radio blasting out Rise Against.

We crawl, on our knees for you.
Under a sky no longer blue.
We sweat, all day long for you.
We sow, seeds to see us through.

When I finally put my stuff down on the bed, I realized the shower was running, the door shut and locked. I banged on it over the music. "Hey, kid!" I yelled. The tap stopped. "I don’t know who in this place gave you permission to take over my room jus' 'cause I was at tha hospital, but you better get the heck out of that shower and out of my room in a few seconds or we're gonna have problems."

The tap didn't turn back on and I figured that was a good sign. I was still in power. When I turned around, Mona was back at my door looking completely angry. "Phoenix Envy, you better have a good explanation for threatening him like that."

I opened my mouth to say something, but someone else's voice stopped me.

"No, Mona, its fine. This is his room. I can," The small boy nervously looked at me, but I didn't catch his eyes; they were hidden under his thick, wet, long brown hair, "Take my stuff and just sleep in the community room."

Mona gave me a look that told me I was in for it later, but she looked back at the small child and chided, "No, Jade. It's not fine. Phoenix is getting adopted soon and this room'll be empty so it now belongs to the both of you." She glanced at me before leaning down to his ear and whispering something, coming back with a small smile. "But he'd never tell you that." She finished off aloud.

Jade, the boy, made a face. "And I'm supposed to believe you?" He smirked, "You'd be a good con artist one day, but not today. I'm tired of being lied to, so if you don't mind, I'd gladly take my crap and get the heck out of here before he kicks my butt."

Mona looked taken aback, by both of his reaction to whatever she'd just to him, the reaction that he didn’t believe her and was so rude about it, and his language and tone. He walked over to the bed, grabbed his bag, pushing his articles down deeper in the pack before making his way over to the stereo and taking out his CD.

As he made his way between me and Mona out the door, I abruptly grabbed the CD. My action surprised him, I could tell, because his face was that of one of pure fear and his hand was reached out towards the flat disc as if in longing. "You don’t speak to her that way, kid. Not when she's trying to help you." I wasn't sure he heard me, though, because his attention was focused on the object in my hand, he looked as if he was about to panic. As a test I demanded he put his bag back on the bed, that he was now my roommate and if he respected me, I'd respect him as well.

He dropped the bag to the floor, tears filling his eyes, not yet dropping to the floor, as I began to bend the disc to its maximum point without breaking or bending all the way.

The tension in the room was thick as we all stood there, Mona's eyes unsure of my way of 'helping' and she had this look on her face that couldn't decide if she wanted to take the disc away from me and give it back to the boy, or go with my way of teaching. She left me as I was and in the end, I threw the CD at him.

He grabbed it up quickly, as if his life depended on it. I wanted to roll my eyes at him, but his next actions shocked me and I couldn't find the nerve to do it.

He sat on the floor, backing away into the corner and holding the CD as if it was his lifeline. "Don't take it." He begged. "It's all I've got." I felt my heart reach out to him, tell him everything was OK, but it wasn't. I looked at Mona, telling her with my eyes that I'd take care of him, that she had other things to deal with.

Before leaving she muttered, "Alex will be here later." My head shot up.

"He still wants me?" I asked, my voice cracking in guilt.

Mona didn't answer, but she looked away as if she was guilty, too, or either she just didn't want to talk to me at the moment. I sighed as she shut the door and walked away.

His face changed into pure horror at the prospect of being with me for a moment, seeing as how I just about broke the only thing of value he owned. "Wow, man, you sure do have a lot of balls back there to act all tough and then when the thought of losing a CD comes into play, you're practically begging us not to do anything." At the mention of his CD, he clutched it closer to his chest.

I grabbed a chair that was sitting on the other side of the dresser and sat in the backwards, the back of the chair between my legs and resting my arms on the back of the chair. I looked at him as he watched me with this animal like look in his eyes.

"So…what's your story?" I asked. "What are you addicted to?"

He pulled his knees up to his chest and the look on his face told me that he didn't want to have this conversation. He hid his eyes farter back into his curtain of long hair. "I'm not addicted to anything."

"Oh, yeah?" I asked, "Because I remember Mona saying something about heroin."

He looked away and muttered, annoyed, "I’m not addicted."

"Huh. That’s strange." I said, in a way that made me look as if I was thinking to myself, "Because I see tracks."

His sat still, silent, and he looked down at his arms then at his legs. The way he looked at his legs made me wonder until I saw that he had tracks there to. The tracks in strange places made me want to say, "Dude, you're supposed to do it here," And point to the veins in my arms.

I couldn't see why people used drugs and didn't even know how to use them.

"Jade, is it?"

He looked up at me.

"I understand you must have had a really messed up past to start drugs at such a young age, but just so you know, you're not alone."

I motioned at the cuts on my stomach and then I pulled up my jeans leg to show him the other cuts that littered my ankles. He looked at them in a look of curiosity before pulling up his shirt and revealed a scar that wound its way down around his back like a snake.

I sucked in a breath through my teeth as my way of saying that must have hurt. He pulled his shirt down quickly. "That’s gonna be hard to beat," I muttered before giving myself a chance to think.

"Do you know why I was at the hospital?" I asked him. As I began to explain, I noticed that his attention was focused on the door more than it was on me. My attention turned to the door as well and there was Alex, leaning up against the door frame with this sober expression on his face.

"Hey," I greeted him.

"Hey." He greeted back, looking everywhere but at me and Jade.

"Uh…look." I said, looking away and playing with my hands. "I'm really sorry about…."

He cut me off, "No, it's fine. Just a misunderstanding. Miscommunication."

"Fine? Fine?!" I was hysterical. "I almost offed myself because I thought you had abandoned me. I thought I was done. I thought…." I broke down there in front of everybody. Jade stared at me in a way that had pity wrote all over his face, but in a way that still shielded his eyes. Weird, I thought. Alex walked to me and pulled me in a hug. I tried to pull away. I didn't like being touched.

He held fast. "Just calm down. Like I said. A misunderstanding. Alright?" My tears stopped, by my shaking didn’t and I ended up clutching onto Alex for life. "Calm down, Phoenix Envy, calm down. It’s okay. I'm here now."

I pushed myself away. "That's what's wrong." I sobbed out. Before he could ask 'what?', I was sitting on the ground, Jade was gone, I was sobbing, and Alex was trying to calm me. "I get too close to people. I can't do that anymore. I gotta…I gotta…." I couldn't stutter out the rest of the phrase. I knew once I said it, Alex would tell me that was wrong and I couldn't cut myself off from my emotions. I wanted to, though.

"Can't what?" He asked, clutching onto my shoulders and looking as if I didn't start speaking, he'd start shaking me.

"Gotta cut myself off from my emotions. Push everything away." I mumbled out.

"No, Envy. Ya don't." He gave me a small smile. "You jus' gotta learn how to handle it." He paused. "How about I give you some advice. What do you like to do in your spare time?"

I sniffled. "You'll laugh." I commented.

"Will not." He swore.

I took a deep breath. "I draw."

Alex let out a look that said that my answer was unexpected. "Why haven't I ever walked in on you drawing? Instead you go around butchering your arms!"

I looked away. "I can't draw. So I don't. Not when anyone's around. I draw the picture and tear them up and burn them on occasion. When I have a match."

Alex sighed. "Envy, you can't do that. You can't burn your drawings. Its like sealing all your memories away forever. Even the good ones. It’s as bad as cutting off your emotions. You don't want to do that, do you?"

"Yeah." I answered, a little angry at Alex for telling me that I didn’t want to do what I wanted to do, what I had been doing for years, was wrong. I wasn't five. And he didn't know me. He didn't know what I wanted. "I do." The anger was seeping into my voice. "I don't want these thoughts. These memories. I draw the arguments and then burn them. That way all the bad is gone. All of it. And I'll never have to deal with it again."

"Envy, don't you get it?" Alex asked in a small voice as if he was trying to save me from something, but what I didn't know. "Don't you get that if you erase all the bad from your life, you erase the good, too? If you don't have downs in your life, there's no ups. Do you get it yet?"

I shrugged.

"How can you say that?" Alex asked. "How can you take away all the bad knowing the good is going with it?! How could-?" I cut him off, screaming at him.

"Maybe you'd understand once you loose someone! Nothing ever goes back the way it was! NOTHING! You find nothing to keep you here on this earth! Nothing to keep you happy! Nothing is holding you down, but still you stay, hoping to find something that will make it worth living, but ya know what? I've found nothing yet!" I let myself calm down before muttering out my last few sentences. "Nothing is keeping me here. And it's like I'm a balloon in a room full of rocks. Everyone else has something to hold onto and gravity is keeping them down, but I don’t and in a few moments everything will become too stressful for me and I won't care. I'll let go."

Alex went silent. "Phoenix, Phoenix, hey? You there?" I was zoning out. Bad zoning. All my horrid memories flooding into my mind since Alex had to mention the memories. "Phoenix Envy," The use of my middle name snapped me out of the trans-like state.

"Yeah?" I asked, totally confused about what had happened and where I was. It took me a second before I realized I was in my room. "Yeah?" I asked again.

"Phoenix, it's not the end, you know? You keep speaking like in a second you'll end up on a hospital bed again because of overdose."

I glared at him and he rubbed the back of his neck again, backing off. "…But I guess that could happen…?"

"Ya think?" I asked him, annoyed.

"Sorry about that."

"Yeah." I muttered, I grabbed up my iPod and placed it in the dock on the stereo.

Emery's "Can't Stop the Killer" started pouring out from the speakers.

I sung softly along to it. "You'll raise the daughter and she'll raise the son. You'll live like two people who wish they were one. Well she may not be perfect, but oh, my friend, neither are you."

Alex listened quietly, as I became one with the music, letting my emotions flow into my voice, out my mouth. He tapped his fingers to the beat and when the song went off, it was replaced with The All-American Rejects' "Stab My Back".

"I've played with them before." Alex commented. "What's tha guy's name? Huh. I forget, but he was an awesome bassist for a four-string guitar player."

I didn't reply. I could tell he was trying to change the subject, but just sat on my bed and grabbed a notebook. Sheet after sheet, I ripped out the paper, crumpled it into balls and threw them in the trashcan.

It was then that Alex pulled out the file from the back of his pocket and placed it on the edge of my bed. I stopped. Stared at it. Wondering what would be said next. He didn't say anything, though, and Jade made his way back into the room as "Cryin' Lightening" came on.

I couldn't help but notice that he was humming to it and I devoted my attention to him. "You know The Artic Monkeys?" I asked, confused.

He picked at a string hanging from his jacket. "Yeah. My brother, before the accident, before any of this, he…he went to a University in England and since they're from the UK…when we visited him on Christmas, they happened to be playing a concert a town or so away and my brother went to go see them and took me along while my parents got settled in the inn."
I nodded. "Cool." I muttered. "Hey…um, what exactly is you're story, Jade?"

He looked up at me before looking away. "I don't want to have this conversation." He mumbled out. He sat on the ground, casting glances at Alex and I could tell that he was suspicious of him.

"He's alright." I tried to ease his worry. "No one here is going to hurt you, alright Jade?"

He looked up at me and for once, I thought I saw a glint in his eye, I saw a glint that I didn't know existed in the small boy: trust, but it was glazed over, as if something was trying to prevent it. Instinct. He seemed to notice that I'd seen his eye and he panicked, quickly covering it once more with the curtain of brown. "He was killed in a car accident…." His lower lip quivered and I desperately wanted to ask who, but I knew not to push him. I just hoped Alex knew that. Fortunately Alex kept quite and Jade was silent, but for what reason, I don't know. "After the concert. A man, tourist from the US forgot that the lanes were reversed in the UK and he hit Derek head on."

It was then that the two clicked. Derek was driving and Derek was his brother. The concert was the same one he was talking about a few moments ago: The Artic Monkeys concert. And if he went with his brother to the concert…that meant he came back with him and he was in the accident as well.

"It caused a pile up. Two other cars hit us before everything stopped. I blacked out for a few seconds and when I came to, Derek was in the front seat, bent over with blood dripping out of his mouth." He paused, the direction of his head focused on nothing, lost in thoughts. "I was in the back seat. I didn't have my seatbelt on and Derek did, but he was dead and I'm…I'm still here!" He screamed the last word and his voice was quivering. He went silent again to the point I'd thought he'd went mute, but then he started talking about it again. "My mom blamed it on me. She always liked Derek more. Because he was the first born and everything. But since he was dead, it didn't change anything. The only thing now was that I'd lost feeling in my lower back and below and that meant she could beat me with the excuse of, "Well, he can't feel it now can he?" I don't know how that happens and I can still move fine. Some freak accident."

He swallowed. We'd gotten him started and he couldn't stop. I'd known that feeling before. After you get talking about something bad, you can't stop, not until it's over.

"A few months later, she tried to drown me, but my body's to messed up to comprehend death and I don't know, it like shut down on me. Like a computer powers off except everything stopped, my breathing, my heart beat. I was considered dead, but somehow the paramedics found out what had happened and had to bring me back." A few tears leaked down his cheek, yet still we couldn't see the source from his eye. My curiosity about that grew. "I didn't want to wake up again. I'm not supposed to be here."

He paused, his direction of vision still not focused. "She fed me heroin when she tried to off me. So I wouldn't fight her. I guess that's why my body shut down early and was able to come back. I don't know." He wiped away the snot that was dripping down his nose. "I don't want to know."

He pointed to the iPod dock where somehow the iPod had fixed itself on 'repeat' and "Cryin' Lightening" kept playing over and over. "That was the last song I heard before I was supposed to be dead in the car wreck."

No one spoke for a few moments. It was Alex who asked the million dollar question. "You wish you were dead now?"

Jade hesitated, gathering his thoughts. "I'd be lying if I said, 'No.'"

I didn't say anything and neither did Alex.

"I've had a hard life and I-I just want it to end. Is that wrong?" Jade's voice shook.

"Nah." I reassured him. "It's not wrong," I glanced at Alex. "Its only wrong if you go through with it." The way he looked at me, I could tell it was over and both of us were fine. My actions were that of the past and from now on would be overlooked.

I, for some reason, however, had this nagging feeling that I hoped that Jade wouldn't turn out as bad as me. And deep down, I had a feeling that he'd be worse.

And for another reason, I felt the need to ask about his eyes. At first he didn't reply, but then he flicked his hair out of the way and that’s when we both saw it. I think both of us, me and Alex, were more amazed and intrigued than uncertain of the condition.

One eye was blue. The other brown. He flicked his hair back into place. "Its called a heterochromia or something like that. That's what the doctors said." He shrugged it off.

"That is wicked awesome…" Alex commented.

Jade looked taken aback, a little wary of Alex now. "Its not awesome. Its another reason my mom tried to kill me."

"'Cause of your eyes?" I asked, clearly confused.

"Yep. She called me an ugly illegitimate -in other words, of course- when she tried to drown me. Said no one would ever adopt me when she appeared in court and I was there. Said no one ever would because my freakin' eyes couldn't decide what color they wanted to be." He looked away. "I believed her, too." He sounded ashamed.

Alex let out a laugh. "You're kidding me, right? Those are the most freakin' awesome eyes I've ever seen!"

Jade stilled seemed a little uncertain and tried to fix his hair where his eyes couldn't be seen at all. "They're…unusual." Jade muttered.

"They're cool." I objected. "I mean, how many times do you see a guy with two different colors of eyes?"

"My hero," he stated sarcastically, picking at a thread on his shirt sleeve, "He’s like me.” He turned serious. “He has the same thing. One brown, one blue."

"Who is it?" I asked.

"Tim Mcllrath. He's the singer for Rise Against." He mumbled out.

"Ahh." I muttered in understanding.

"Except mine is reversed. His blue eye is on the left and mines on the right."

Everyone was silent until Alex, once more asked another million dollar question. Then again, maybe it was a thousand, not a million. "Why do you keep 'em hidden?"

Jade shrugged. "I was told they were ugly."

"Mom?" Alex asked, as if he knew the whole story already. I was completely lost.

Jade nodded. Alex started to say something, starting off with a sigh, but Jade cut him off. "It's not like they're cool. Two different colors? I mean, it's not that unusual…."

"Uh, yeah, it is, actually." Alex said as if it was just plain out common sense. "It's super rare."
"Its a super freakin' curse, is what it is." Jade muttered under his breath. "You wonder why I hide 'em? Because of that."

Alex let out a long, tired sigh. "What did she do to you…besides try and drown you?"

Jade shrugged it off. "Nothin'. She just hated me because I was different. I denied her a good amount of pay and because of that I was denied life."

"There's more to your story besides her drowning you because she liked your brother more, isn't there?" My voice was sure, quite, and a little cautious of how he'd react.

He was silent before he muttered something about needing to go see Mona. Alex tried to stop him. "Hey, calm down, Jade. We're friends here."

Jade walked from the room, shoulder checking Alex as he did. “Yeah,” he mumbled out, “I’ve definitely heard that one before.”

I didn’t know how to react. I was shocked in place. The kid had a really messed up life, and not knowing how to deal with mine, I didn’t think I could even try to help Alex deal with Jade’s issues.

Alex’s hand flew to his face in frustration. “Does Mona got the kid’s file?”

I nodded, still awestruck by his reaction to Alex’s words. Alex took one look at my face, noticing my nonexistent ability to speak and said, “You’ve never dealt with someone this untrusting, have you?”

I flicked my eyes over to him. “Have you?”

He gave a small smile. “Yeah. You. When I first met you a few weeks back, I was absolutely sure you hated my guts because of Jack and his comments.”

My eyes once more rested on his face, but I quickly looked back at the door when I noticed Jade coming back into the room, holding a bottle of pills. I recognized them to have come from the medicine cabinet in the kitchen. Only Mona had access to that cabinet and I recognized the name on the bottle as well. Name: Emma Natalie Bishop. Age: five. Medication reason: sleep insomniac.

There has been more than one occasion when she’s crawled into my bed and countless others, waking the occupant of the bed up. She’d be crying when she did, tell you that she couldn’t go to sleep, that the monster would get her. It was impossible to reject her, either, because she was so small and venerable looking. To be honest, she reminded me of myself when I was smaller, and I never wanted anyone to feel that hopelessness again.

Jade, however, seemed to be thriving off it. Hope seemed not to exist in his life and for the past few months, he’d been without it and learned to get along while lacking it.
I jumped on him in a second, wrestling over the pills, for both his sake and Emma’s. I couldn’t imagine her waking up in the middle of the night anymore, claiming she couldn’t sleep and herself thinking something was wrong with her. Ever since she took the pills, her self confidence had been higher and she was sleeping well.

“You gunna take some five year olds medicine?” I asked, accusing. He only grunted. “You selfish little brat! She can’t sleep without them!” I jerked them from his hands. Unfortunately, the small orange bottle flew from my hands and across the room. Alex rescued it, taking it and tucking it into his pocket, hand shoved deep inside to stop it from even the slightest movement.

That’s when Mona walked by, Emma and Sara-Leigh both clasping her hands. Both looked as if they were about to cry. What convenience. Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

Mona looked frustrated, looking at the scene before her and saying, sternly, “I don’t know what’s going on at the moment, but I do know that I’ve had it! I’m in over my head with dealing with some of these kids! I’ve got too much to do today!” Emma and Sara-Leigh looked up at her with big, watering eyes. Sara-Leigh’s tears came first, sobbing out something about a skinned knee. Emma was still keeping back the tears, but I could tell from the look on her face that her hour long nap hadn’t lasted very long. …And because of that, her self-esteem was once again lowered with her thinking something was wrong with her.

Mona sighed, noticing how Emma was looking at me with a look of longing. Mona’s tired gaze rested on me for a moment. “Phoenix-“ But before she could get it out, I already had Emma wrapped around my waist, sitting her on the bed, and singing to her softly—my attempt at calming her down.

Alex came over and gave me his goodbyes as he started out the door, seeing as I had my hands full-literally, and reassuring me that he’d put the pills back. Jade fallowed him out the door, but turned the opposite direction as if making his way to the small living room on the other end of the building.

When she noticed that we were along, she interrupted my singing and said, “It happened again, Birdie.” She called me ‘Birdie’ ever since she found out that a phoenix was a mythical fire bird. It was her thing.

“I figured.” I told her. A sigh escaped my lips.

She pushed her brown hair behind her ear. “Do you think I’ll ever be normal?” She asked, her voice was scarce, as if ashamed of asking.

I gave her a small smile. “You wanna know what I think?”

She nodded vigorously.

I gave a short laugh. “I think, one day, you be the princess of a kingdom and-“ She cut me off.

“Then why am I here, Birdie?” Her voice sounded so pitiful.

I touched her cheek, carefully placing her on the bed than from on my stomach where she’d been sitting as I lay down. I sat up. “Because, Emma, you’re doing what ever princess is doing.”

“There’s more princesses?” She asked confused and astonished.

“Yeah.” I answered, as if it was the most common knowledge that you should have. “Yeah. Loads more.”

“And what are the doing?” She asked, her curiosity rising with every answer I gave her.

“Waiting for their prince.” I answered.

She was quite for a moment, looking away, taking all of it in before looking back at me. “Who are you waiting for, Birdie?”

I was silent. I didn’t know how to answer. I thought for a moment. What did I want? What did I really want? I didn’t know. Then the answer came to me. “A family.” I said.

She nodded and fell asleep on my bed…without her medicine.