Take This To Heart

She didn’t wake up. She never did when she fell back asleep in my bed. The doctors Mona took her to see said something about that Emma felt safe with me. Why? I don’t know. I never did anything except babysat her on occasion and that was very few occasions.

I once asked her if she felt safe around me and she told me yeah, but when I asked her why, she just shrugged.

But now as she lay in my bed, I had thoughts. Her small frame brought back memories…memories that I had no wish to evoke. It was funny strange how a child could remind you of your own past, even if it was the farthest thing from it. As far as I knew, Emma had never been abused; she was just neglected and her stoner parents didn’t even know she existed, but still the hopelessness that always seemed present around her reminded me of myself at such a tender age.

Her breaths, shallow from sleep, reminded me of event after event…all of my breaths shallow in the events. The only difference was…I was awake then, not asleep.

I was five, too young to know when to runaway and when to stay, so when Dad brought in some company, I thought I could have some, too. I tugged on his coat sleeve. The leather’s cold beneath my fingertips.

“Daddy-“

He cut me off. “Not now, JJ.” He always called me JJ…ever since I could remember. He never knew my real name, but I didn’t know that, then. I thought he just liked to call my JJ. I never thought he never knew my real name.

His breath smelled of alcohol. That should have been my first hint, but I was too naïve. “Daddy-“ I tugged again.

He backhanded me then.“Not now, JJ.” His voice was stern, raised and tears came to my eyes.

He didn’t notice. He didn’t even give me another glance until moments later. I touched the wetness that was forming in my eyes and when I removed my finger, a droplet of salty tear was clinging to my skin. That’s when I tasted blood.

Daddy still didn’t notice; he was sitting on the couch with his buddies, drinking, laughing. I didn’t even know where Momma was, but I knew if I found her, she’d make everything better. Momma always did.

When I licked my lip, I found out he’d split it and in my inexperienced mind, my only thought was to find Momma, to tell her what Daddy had done. I was immature and once more, tugged on Dad’s jacket.

“JJ!” His voice was harsh and he stood up, picking me up by my shoulders and shaking me harshly. He demanded that one of the ‘friends’ get a roll of duct tape from the drawer in the kitchen. When the tape was returned, he taped me to the back of a chair. I wasn’t sitting in it; No, I was on the opposite side, forced to stand, struggling to get away, get free. I’ve never liked being tied up. In fact, I don’t know any human being who does.

They all started then. Blow after blow came all the while Daddy was standing in the back, letting the others beat me until I went weak in the knees and when I feel, my arms were jerked up and a cry escaped my lips.

My breath had shallowed. They kept kicking, kept hitting, kept hurting. I was sure I was at the brink of death.

And then, there was Christine and she was threating to blow her brains out if they didn’t stop. I never understood why Daddy called them off until much later. I never understood what importance Christine was to him until months before her death.

A vile taste crept up into my mouth and I ran to my bathroom, leaning over the toilet seat as I vomited. The substance that exited my mouth was green and I was sure it wasn’t normal. I was dry gagging a few more times, but I had nothing more in my stomach and by now, Mona had heard my retching and had made her way to my room.

Careful not to disturb Emma, she made her way into my bathroom and took a wet washcloth and wiped the beads of sweat away. The coolness of the cloth helped stop my body from going into a spasm of shivers, but my hands were shaking ever so slightly.

She felt my forehead. “You don’t have a fever.” She sounded courious as my sudden sickness. “You need a Tylenol.” She muttered. A small smile escaped my lips. Mona thought everything could be solved with Tylenol, but I knew what I needed most.

A hit.

What?

Speed. It would stop the shakes right as soon as I snorted the first line. And stupidly, I knew I needed it then. I stood up, swaying on my feet before finally gaining my balance and dragging my feet over to my stash. I jerked the shoebox out from under the bed and grabbed a small bag of the white substance, also taking out the mirror. I stopped in my tracks when I saw Emma opening her eyes.

She rubbed her eyes. “What’s that, Birdie?” She was smiling, eyeing the powder intently. “Is that candy?”

“Get out, Emma.” My voice was on the edge of calm, about to lose myself in screaming. Anger was flowing from every pore on my body. Sure, Emma, didn’t know what it was, but she still saw it and one day, she’ll find out the truth and hate me for it.

Her eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms, annoyed. “Why? I didn’t do anything bad.”

My voice lost its calm. “GET OUT, EMMA!” I pointed to the door. Her eyes teared up and she ran out of the room, holding them as if to stop the flow. I slammed the door after she left.

When I turned around, Mona was there. I had forgotten all about her, and as I opened my mouth to apologize, she cut me off.

“Phoenix Envy…I’d never thought you’d, of all people here, yell at her to get out of your room just so you could get high.” Her gaze was penetrating, but she made no move to take the drugs from me. She just left, calling after Emma as she did.

I sighed. I felt as if I’d just lost two more people from my life. All I could wish for was that they’d somehow make their way back into it at some point. Until then, I had to deal with it and we all know I have a very difficult time with coping.

I looked at the bag.