Take This To Heart

I yelled. Jack ran in and tagging behind him was Mona. They started to ask me what was wrong, but when they focused on what I was looking at, Mona panicked, too, and it was Jack who had to take control. He lead me away and shut the tap off before shutting the bathroom door and also leading the crying Mona away all the while calling 911.

He dragged both me and Mona out from my room and also shutting that door. My mind was in outer space, but my ears where in reality. I could hear everything he was saying. The way he told them what had happened. How he’d found Jade like that. He hung up and called Alex, and I could hear some of Alex’s words, too, saying how he’d be over in a few.
I wanted to throw up. There was no ‘want’ to it.

I ran to the door that lead outside and did, right in the bushes. And then I threw up some more. And kept at it until I was weak at the knees, my palms were sweaty, and my hands were shaking; Jack had to hold me up.

Another hand was placed on my back, patting it as if telling me it was all going to be OK this time. But I knew it wasn’t and whoever was patting my back knew so, too.

I looked up to Alex’s concerned face and then turned away, wondering how he could look at me at the moment. It was my fault that Jade had made a suicide attempt and succeeded. I remember back in the fall at school, the teacher had this poster that said “You always succeed in producing a result.” I think the quote was by some Anthony guy and he was right…for the most part. He just forgot to mention that it’s only called success when you do the right thing and you do it intentionally.

Jade didn’t do the right thing. He didn’t succeed; he only made us miserable and for the most part, he didn’t plan on making us miserable and putting us through this…at least I hoped not.

I looked at Alex’s face. “I tried to help him.” I murmured out. “I tried.” My voice sounded broken and I knew it was for the moment.

I went weak at the knees and fell onto the pavement, my legs unwilling to hold me up. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to breath. I wanted everything to stop. I wanted to go back in time, tell him he wasn’t allowed in the bathroom. I wanted to stop everything from happening, but I couldn’t.

The police came. Alex tried to pull me up, putting my arm around his neck and dragging me to my feet. “C’mon, Pheonix Envy.” I want a puppy. “You can’t just give up now.” I think I’ll name him Jade. “You gotta move.” And I don’t want him to ever die.

Alex pulled me into a bedroom and in moments I noticed where I was at. The blue elephant that lay on the bed was one clue. However Emma wasn’t in the room. My lips were shaking and I was cold all over, but I needed something to keep my mind off of the accident. I looked at Jack who stood behind Alex. “Go get my iPod?” I asked. My voice was still cracking. He looked hesitant, but then in a moment, he returned back with it.

I knew I needed to get everything out; I couldn’t keep bottling it up. I had to let everything out. The death of my sister. The death of Jade. The fact that I’d never see Derek, Madden, or BC again.

And the fact that every time, everything had been my fault. I’d lead Alex and Jack to Derek’s. I’d told Jade I was leaving and he committed suicide. And most of all, I was the one to suggest that my sister have the Chicken Noodle Soup in which the chicken in it turned out to be bad.

Jack tossed me the iPod and turned away to leave and talk to the police. Alex joined him hesitantly as if worried about leaving me alone in that state. He shut the door. I pressed play.

Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
My head against the wall.
But I did this to myself.

Bayside’s “Blame it on Bad Luck” was the first song that came to mind.

…So I sat there on the bed, crying my eyes out, knees on the bed, hunched over and pulling my hair…as if it would somehow help me.

The song went off and it went to repeat. Soon after I realized all I was, was a fault and they should have left me at the wrath of my father. I deserved every hit and blow I got, but they taken Christina. She didn't deserve any of the damage she got from that house. She died too young. But I won’t. I’ll make sure to put everyone out of the misery I caused.

But this time, I had to be effective. No notes to make them sad. No.

It couldn’t be pills that only make me sleep.

It couldn’t be cutting that I chicken out of cutting any deeper.

No, it had to be something I couldn’t come back from.