Take This To Heart

I was surprised when they came back the next day. I was sitting on the landing again, listening to the music that played through out the building. At that moment, the station was playing "You and Me" by Lifehouse.

I was humming alone when the doors opened revealing Jack and Alex. I muttered a profanity under my breath and I swung my legs down so they'd be hanging in between the balusters that supported the handrail.

Alex looked up at where I was at, seeing the movement. "You stay up there all the time?"

I didn't answer. "Mona isn't here today." I said, looking down at the empty desk, as if telling them that, they'd leave.

Alex shrugged. "Is there anyone we can talk to then, or can you tell someone we're here?"

"Yes." I answered, but didn't move. I sat there for a moment before they realized I wasn't moving anytime soon.

Jack gave me a questioning look before saying, "Are ya gonna go and tell 'em or you just gonna sit there all day?"

Alex elbowed him in the ribs and said, "Man, shut up."

Jack indifferent to what he was saying muttered, "What? Is he slow, too?"

I spoke then, poking him in the ribs if you will. "You’re the rockstar type who doesn’t care about anything outside of sex and money, aren't you? I bet you didn’t even finish high school, and you’re calling me slow?" I paused, ”And by the way, you look so emo with that hair style…and that wasn’t a compliment.” I smirked.

Jack closed his eyes in an annoyed way, the way you do just to try and calm yourself down just in case you lose your temper. Alex was glancing between us nervously and chewing on his lower lip. "No, but then again I'm not the type to hate someone because they grew up having an actual family and a better life than me. Oh, and better hair."

That was the nastiest comment I'd ever heard and I just stared at him in shock for a moment with my jaw hanging open before I came to my senses. I self consciously touched my hair, then felt a tear roll down my cheek. I brushed it away and abruptly stood up, running the rest of the way up the stairs and away from the tears that were threatening to fall.

I know I've had a bad life with my all my known family member's dying and being raised by an alcoholic dad while my mom is off for all I know sleeping around with other guys, but the boy band punk didn't have to point it out. I can remember Alex calling after me, telling me to wait. I didn't.

I ran into my room and slammed the door behind me. There were no locks on the door, so I managed with just sitting down in front of it and my tears came softly. I had learned to not make a sound when I was crying. I learned it when I was little, because if you don't make a sound, you don't draw attention and at my old home, your goal in life is to blend in, not be noticed.

I heard Alex at the door. I had a thought that maybe he'd left Jack downstairs, but he didn't and I heard Alex mutter, "Apologize, Jack. He can't help it that he had a sucky life. You just don't say that to people."

Someone let out a sigh. I'm putting my bet on Jack, and then he apologized.

"I'm sorry, Phoenix," His voice went quite for a moment, lower and he asked Jack, "What's his middle name?"

"Envy."

"Nice name." Jack muttered back. Then he made an 'Ouff' sound, as if Alex had elbowed him again. "I really meant it. I think it's kinda cool!" He defended.

"Well tell him, not me!" Alex answered. There was silence and I had a picture in my head of Jack glaring at Alex. "Continue!" Alex said. I pictured him doing a little motion with his hand and I wished I could see them to see if I was right, but with what I was doing then, it might have been best if the door was in the way.

Jack sighed again. "I'm sorry, Phoenix Envy. I didn't mean it and I had no right to say that to you. Umm…" I could see him scratching his head then, trying to think of more to say, "And Alex wants you to be his son…and I'm really sorry…and umm…do you forgive me?"

I nodded before remembering that they couldn't see me and said, "Yeah. I guess."

"Can we come in then?" Alex's voice asked.

"Yeah." I moved away from the door and placed the bloody blade away in my sock drawer. I pulled my shirt down over the new cut that now marred my stomach and grimaced when the fabric rubbed against it irritably. I made any signs of my pain vanish from my face when they opened the door to my room.

They entered and Alex stopped dead in his tracks. I looked up at him confused from my position on the ground. My innocent doe brown eyes widening, trying to look as confused and guiltless as I wanted to appear. “What?”

“What’s on your shirt?” Alex’s eyes where glued on my figure.

“What are you talki-“ I cut myself off when I noticed I was wearing a white shirt and the blood was seeping through. Crap, I thought. I voiced my though in a more colorful word. The shirt I had on was my favorite. A Billabong shirt from Pac Sun. I carefully pulled it off and tossed it in the dirty clothes pile, not caring if they saw the cut. They already had a general idea anyways.

"Dude," he muttered, "I said I was sorry. You didn't have to cut yourself…." I went into my adjoining bathroom and dabbed at the cut with a wet tissue, but it didn’t stop bleeding. Instead, I used a new tactic, dragging a finger across the wound, collected the coppery substance and lifting it to my mouth to lick away. I smiled at the disgusted looks of the two 'adults' before me. "I know." I muttered. “But I wanted to.”

"That’s just sick." Jack commented, pointing at my finger where I'd just licked away the excess blood.

I smiled devilishly at them. "What?" I asked. "The boy bands don't cut?" My sarcastic comment wasn't returned with a comeback from Jack or Alex, but Jack took the silence to sit on my bed and Alex leaned against my wall.

"It doesn't help, you know." Alex muttered.

I didn't answer; I didn’t know what to say to that. How’d he know? That’s right. He didn’t. "You don't know what I've been through. And you're wrong. It does help."

He was quite for a second before saying. "You're right. I don’t know what you've been through. So why don't you tell us."

I looked at him as if he was stupid. "What is this? Group therapy for me?"

"Umm, no, this is 'get to no the orphan'." Jack really did know how to be rude. Alex rolled his eyes at his friend.

"Look, no, you strike me as an interesting young person and something is wrong if you're cutting yourself like this." Alex held the same gleam that Jack had earlier yesterday, but Alex was softer and more understanding.

"And you were the one calling me emo…" Jack muttered.

I didn't answer. Alex started talking again. "No, really, Phoenix, why are you cutting? What's so messed up in your life?"

I glared at him and shot back, "Why do you care? Why are you even here? You had everything you could ever want right outside that door. Chicks. Friends. You told Mona you had money. What more do you want?!"

Jack looked at me with serious eyes for once and answered for Alex. "He wants his life to mean something!" So far, it had been the nicest thing he'd said to me. He wasn't sarcastic and it wasn't jokes or him being rude. He was giving me the straight out truth. A little forceful, but still….

I shook my head, looking at them, my mouth hanging slightly open. "Don't you get it?" I asked. "You're life already means something. Fans years from now will remember you. Your names. Your songs. Your band. You already are something."

I looked at the mirror that was over the sink in front of me. "Now look at me. I'm-I'm no one. A boy that in two years you'll forget about and won't remember. Why? Because I'm not famous and I'm not in a band and I'm just…just Phoenix Envy. I'm a cutter. I'm a hypocrite. I'm just a kid whose family is all gone and they left me behind. A normal kid? No. Nowhere close,” I paused, ”I should be dead, too, with them. It should have been me to die by food poisoning, not my sister. And you should be playing in Cali and shopping in expensive stores for tight jeans and…and…." I couldn't think of anything more to say, so I let myself trail off and I slid down to the bathroom floor and rested my head against the cabinet doors below the sink. The wood felt good against my skin, cooling me down. I took in a deep, shaky breath. "So could you both just leave?" They didn't.

Jack sighed. "Phoenix?" I looked at him, expecting a comment about how much of a girl I was for getting upset and telling me that I practically didn't deserve any of this. "All Time Low started off just like you. Do you think we were born rich and famous? Uh, no. We were just the typical garage band that made it this far all because of snuggling."

Alex and Jack started to laugh and I just looked at them confused. "What are you talking about?" I asked. "And what's an All Time Low? You're band?"

They sobered up from their laughter. "Yeah, kinda. You gotta look up our pictures on Google on day. You're bound to find some of us when we just got signed to Hopeless. We've got quite a few photos from back then and we were snuggling." Alex returned.

"Like teddy bears." Jack added.

"But All Time Low is our band. We've got a pretty decent amount of fans. And three records out in counting. One EP and two full. And another out of print from when we first began." Alex slid down the wall and sat down Indian Style.

"So are you gonna tell us why you cut?" Jack asked, sitting on my bed, one knee jackknifed and the other laying flat with his elbow on his knee and his face in his hand.

"Why?" I asked. Talking about cutting made me itch for another rush of adrenalin that accompanied the feeling. I stood up and walked to the sock drawer, pulling out the blade. With it safely in my hand, I sat on the carpeted floor.

"Look," Alex took a step towards me, but I backed away. I knew what he was going to do and I wasn't going to willingly give him the blade. He paused seeing me back away from him and tried to talk. "Why don't you put the blade down and we can talk about this?"

I shot a glare at them. "If you don't like my way of dealing, get out. It's not like you care anyways. Ya just want more popularity. I can see the tabloids now: BAND ADOPTS KID. It's just another stunt and attempt at getting your name out everywhere.

"In fact," I continued. "There are quite a few girls here that would LOVE for you to be their guardians. Why not go and pick one of them out?"

Alex played with his hair. "I don't exactly want a groupie for my daughter…and I've done the research. Guys are less likely at getting adopted and well, I thought I'd give someone a chance…."

"You'd get to travel places. All across the world. Last year, we went to Australia." Jack added in. A small smile hit my lips. I tried to hide it, but Jack noted it. "You like to travel?" he asked.

I looked at him, the small smile still playing on my face until I became hostile again. "What does it matter to you?" I closed back up.

Jack sighed. Alex was quite for a moment, glancing me over, his eyes resting on my old shirts and worn shoes and jeans. "When was the last time you went shopping?"

My eyes slowly made my way up to him. "Two years ago. When my sister was still alive."

Jack's grin grew. "Are we going to the mall?" He asked excitedly. "Are we going shopping?"

Alex gave a small smile to him. "Yeah…if Phoenix Envy wants…."

I glanced at my old clothes and looked up at him. "I don't have any money." I hoped that answer would be enough and I they'd let the subject drop and not mention it anymore, but I REALLY did want to go shopping for clothes, but I wasn't about to let them in on that little secret.

Alex burst into laughter. "Dude, I gotcha covered. I got cash…and if I didn't, I'd steal from Jack. Ya gotta have clothes. Nice clothes."

I lowered my head down. "I got other stuff to do." I tried again. I didn't want to be in debt to them for buying me clothes.

"What stuff?" Jack asked.

"Stuff." I answered.

"You’re so open about what you like to do. You mean cutting? I don’t think so. C'mon. We're goin' shoppin'." Alex answered, walking out the door. I didn't fallow, but it only took them a second to notice that. Both Jack and Alex poked their heads back in the door and asked if I was coming.

"I gotta have permission to leave the Center's grounds." I tried again, using my last defense for an excuse.

Jack scoffed. "We're your permission. Now, c'mon!"

I sighed and fallowed them. I was so dead when I came back here.