Take This To Heart

Maryland. I never thought it’d make me miss New York this bad. I hadn’t been ‘homesick’ when we’d went on tour; my time was split between fretting over Emma or hanging out with friends. Maryland just sucked. I didn’t know anyone in the whole state except Alex, Zack, Rian, Jack, Emma, and Mona. I felt at odds, like I was a kitten that had been placed in a room full of dogs.

And to make it worse, we’d only been here for five minutes. Five. Minutes. The neighborhood we pulled into looked too large and too welcoming and Zack had told me both Alex and Jack’s parents lived in this neighborhood.

As far as I knew we were only going to meet Jack’s parents. Alex ignored my questions when I asked him if we were going to meet his. I was very uncertain about what was going to happen as soon as I stepped off the bus. I didn’t know these people. I didn’t know this neighborhood. I didn’t know this city. I didn’t know this state.

Cricket buried her snout into the crook of my arm, sensing my uneasiness. I pet her on her head, her eyes blinking every time. She whined and licked my hand as I stopped and fell backwards in my bunk. I started scratching her behind her ears.

Seconds later the curtain to my bunk was ripped open. Emma. “Jack’s parents want to meet you! They’re really nice! They gave me a cookie!” She held up the half eaten sweet, it crumbling around the edges, but you could see the chocolate chips were melted. It was fresh. My mouth slightly watered, but I held it back.

I forced a grin. “I’m good, thanks.”

She frowned. Everyone was already inside except for me. I had lied and told Alex I wasn’t feeling OK.

“They really want to meet you,” Her lower lip started trembling, “And I don’t know anybody. And I’m scared.” She gripped onto my hand, crushing it. Her eyes started watering. “And I miss Sara-Leigh.”

I sighed and kissed her, pulling her into my lap. “Shh, dollface. I know you do. Don’t cry, alrigh’? …I think you need a nap, doll. And me, too. We’ve been traveling all day long and I bet you’re tired.” I traced her lips with my pinky as I had done in the hospital and softly hummed to her. The song? I couldn’t tell you. It was an older song that I’d long ago forgotten the lyrics to, but the tune was kept in my head. Christine used to hum it to him when he was smaller and had nightmares.

“Christine used to hum that…” Emma mumbled, her cookie forgotten as she let it slip from her fingers as fatigue took over her body. Cricket looked up at me, a whine escaping her mouth as she eyed the cookie. I took it from Ems hand and let Cricket gobble it up. She return her appreciation by licking my fingers of any excess crumbs they may have stuck.

“She did?” I was positive Christine had hummed it for Emma, too, but I was mostly asking Emma to humor her.

“Uh-huh.” Emma yawned, the ripple effect making me yawn as well. Emma coiled deeper into my side, her fingers slowly loosing grip on my shirt and hand as sleep over came her. In two minutes she was out, but I kept humming. I gave her a few more minutes before climbing over her and out the bunk. I picked her up bridal style, her head rolling side ways, but not waking her. I walked off the bus and to the house.

This was it. This was when everything came to a standstill. The moment I’ve been waiting for: settling into a new place, a new state and meeting my new extended family. I opened the door and walked in, doing my best to weave through what was obviously the kitchen and into the living room where everyone was without hitting Emma against something or waking her up.

The talking ceased when I walked in and everyone noticed me. I bit my lip nervously, my eyes glancing around at the two new people. The couple that obviously owned this home. Jack’s parents. I quickly turned my gaze to Jack and asked softly, “Is there anywhere I can put her to let her sleep? …I didn’t want to leave her out on the bus all alone….” I explained, hoping they would catch on that I didn’t feel comfortable with leaving my Emma out in an unlocked vehicle in an unknown neighborhood. I especially didn’t want her freaking out if she woke up and couldn’t hear me and didn’t know where I was at.

Jack nodded and looked over at his parents. “Do you mind if we put her in my old bed room?”

His parents laughed. “Jack, when have you been the one to ever ask permission for?” His dad answered teasingly. Jack nodded, smiling and took Emma carefully from my arms. He left me standing there, going into a room on the left and coming back out, shutting the door behind him.

“How’d you get her to sleep, Envy?” Jack asked.

“I hummed to her,” I answered softly.

“Ah, she fell asleep that fast?” He asked, amazed.

I shrugged. “It was the same one Christine always hummed to us. It put her right to sleep.” I was feeling a little out of place standing there in the middle of the Barakats’ living room. I started tugging on my hair and looking at the ground.

“Phoenix…” Alex warned. I looked over at him and he motioned for me to stop pulling at my hair. Then he patted a seat on the couch, telling me to come sit with them.

"He's very quiet, isn't he?" Mrs. Barakat asked. I could feel her eyes looking at me up and down, judging me.

Alex laughed and shook his head. "No, just when you first get to meet him. The shyness will wear off…"I saw him looking at me and frowned. Was it that obvious that I wasn't liking it here? "…Hopefully."

I did answer, averting my eyes to the colorful tiles that made up the flooring of the small, but homey family room. The tiles were of rich colors: blues, reds, yellows, and oranges, but they must not have been an inch in width and height. It complimented the rich creamy red plaster walls perfectly and gave it a Mexican impression, that I was in Tia Juana instead of Maryland. It gave me a bit more comfort, making me feel as if I was anywhere but here.

"They're hand painted from Mexico. The boys brought them back from a tour last year." Mrs. Barakat explained.

I looked up, pulled from my own thoughts. Did she just say something to me? "Do what?" She repeated her phrase and after, I apologized. "I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Barakat. I'm a little out of it today."

Alex nudged me in the side with his elbow. "You don't have to use big words, Envy. Just be yourself. You'll be staying with them for a while, anyways."

I look at him. "What about you're parents? Shouldn't I be staying with them?" The room goes quiet and I look over at all the faces. Zack looking at the ground. Rian glancing at Alex and me before also focusing on the tiles. Mona just looking up at Alex concerned. Jack was looking embarrassed. Mrs. Barakat was looking at the both of us in sympathy, her lips pursed. Alex refused to look at me, instead, his face fell, wringing his hands, and looking straight in front of him, but not really looking at anything at all. Mr. Barakat was looking a bit ruffled, not angry, but a little annoyed.

"You haven't told him?" Mr. Barakat accused. I flinched at his tone. It reminded me of my father's right before he got really angry.

Alex was pulled back to reality. He flicked his eyes over to Mr. Barakat, looking a little annoyed as well. "The conversation didn't exactly ever come up."

That was a lie; I'd asked him if we were going to meet his parents as well and he'd ignored me. "What are you keeping from me?" I asked, getting angry.

"Nothing." Alex snipped back quickly without even looking at me.

"Liar." I mumbled. Alex chose to ignored the comment and stood up, pacing around the room and running a hand through his hair.

"Alex, come sit back down." Mona urged softly. Like a trusting puppy that knew rules but didn't necessarily want to obey them but had to, he did as he was told.

"What are you hiding from me?" I pressed harder. Alex cast a worried glance at the Barakats before sighing and grabbing onto both of my hands. I tried to jerk away, but he held fast.

"No, Phoenix, listen to me." A small whine crept up my throat. I felt trapped. I tugged again. He said my name twice, trying to soothe me before he began again. He looked away. "My parents fully supported me when I told them I wanted to help a kid. They really did. They just didn't expect me to bring one home. I guess they thought I was just going to volunteer or something and when I told them about you, they flipped."

I ground my teeth. But you still went through with it,I thought. You still went through with it knowing this moment would come and knowing I'd be hurt from it. I looked away, jerking my hands from his grip.

He released me, but he looked just as hurt as I knew I did. When I started to stand up, he pulled me back down. It was then that my instincts went into overdrive and I started withering, trying to get away from him as he held me still with a hug.

"Phoenix, stop." I could barely hear his voice as I tried to get away. I shoved on his chest with my hands that were now curled up into a fist in disbelief. My vision started to blur around the edges and I realized I was crying.

"No. No. No. No. No." I repeated the word over and over again, then looked to Mona accusingly as she just sat there unmoving, but looking upset. "You knew, didn't you? You knew all along! He'd already told you!" I turned away from her and slammed my fist back into Alex's chest. He was still trying to calm me, wrapping his arms around my small frame and telling me I needed to be quiet because Emma was sleeping.

I hushed instantly at that and wiped away my tears. "I didn't even have a chance." I whispered softly. He smeared in my tear stained face with his thumb.

"Yeah. I know. But you will. You're a great kid, Envy. They'll come around. They always wanted grandkids."

"Yeah," I shot back, "By blood. Not an adopted kid."

Alex frowned. "You know I don’t see you like that."

"They do."

Alex's mouth fell. "So what?! After seven months. Seven-" Insert seven letter word here that begins with "f". "-Months and you care about what other people see you as. Who, may I remind you, that haven't even met you!" Alex was seething and I'm sure if he was a cartoon, he'd had smoke trailing from his nose like an angry dragon. "Well guess what?! If they don't care about you, that’s fine! Because I do and I'll keep you all to myself! Their freakin' loss!"

Alex pulled me into a bone crushing hug, but I could still tell he was worked up over me caring about what his parents thought, as he'd pointed out, whom I'd never met and they'd never met me. I hugged him back and my lower lip trembled.

Mrs. Barakat was the first to notice. "Babe, don't cry. We think you're adorable. Peter and Isobel are naïve to think degradingly of you." I looked up at her, but Mr. Barakat caught my eye a few seconds later.

He smiled at me and pointed into the dining room. "IN fact, we both," he glanced lovingly at his wife, "Chipped in and bought you something. Alex told us not to, but we wanted to get something you could actually use while you were with us."

My brow furrowed, confusion contracting my face. "…With you?" I looked up at Alex. He sniffled and wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve, reminding me of a seven year old. He returned my look with a small smile.

"The next tour, Phoenix. You'll have to stay here to go to school." Rian explained, carefully, not wanting me or Alex to get any more upset.

"Oh." My face fell, but the Barakats tried to cheer me up.

"Why don't you go look on the table, babe?" Mrs. Barakat. I was already starting to like her. I stood up and walked into the living room to see a leather bound book resting on the table. I smiled and ran my fingers over the material. It was expensive, I knew that much and probably the most expensive gift I'd ever received, despite it's simplicity. I opened the sketch book and imaged what would happen in a few months. It'd be packed of drawings and loose computer paper with sketches would start to build up in it's place. A set of pencils sat beside it.

I came back in the room, a small smile on my face. "Thank you," but then added rushed, "But how'd you know I liked to draw."

"Alex." Mr. Barakat replied. "We'd gotten a few calls from him and when he asked if you could stay with us on the next tour we agreed and went out to get you a gift. Alex told us you liked to draw."

I looked over at my guardian, faintly remembering when I'd told him I'd liked to draw. I was scared he would laugh, but he hadn't. And he'd told me to stop burning my drawings and tearing them up. It was right after I almost killed myself. I'd been talking to Jade when he'd come in and we started up the conversation. I turned back to the Barakats and thanked them again.

"You're welcome, Babe. I'm sure you'll use it to the best of you're abilities and I'm positive it will be filled with beautiful drawings by the time Alex comes back from tour."

I smiled, but they just had to bring it up, didn’t they? Them leaving, I mean.
I didn't want Alex to leave. Or Jack. Or Zack. Or even Rian. On our way here, we'd spent more time together playing video games and just hanging out. He was really good company. And a great listener. I'd been around them to much too just want to let go of them so quickly. I bit my lip piercing and when my fingers traveled up to my hair, Alex slapped them away.

"No," he told me playfully, then joked about if I didn't quit doing that, pulling at my hair, he'd get a squirt bottle and spray me each time.

He made me smile, but it was short lived. "I still don't want you guys to go." I hugged Alex around the waist and pressed my cheek up against his chest, my new sketchbook and pencils forgotten. I could still feel his body heat even through the fabric of his shirt.

He touched my hair, playing with it. "We're not leaving yet. And when we do, I'll call every day."
"Will you be here for my graduation?"

"The tour's not lasting for you're whole senior year." He laughed, amused.

"Still." I was still pressed up against him and I felt oddly at peace…as if I was actually home.
He even smelled like home. Was that even possible? I peeled away from him to look at the others. "All of you? You'll all be there, right?" I even looked at the Barakats, whom I'd only known for about thirty minutes, yet I felt like I could trust them as much as I did Mona and Alex.

"Awe. Yeah, we'll be there." Jack rushed over followed by Rian and Zack who joined our group hug. I took in another breath. Axe, booze, and toothpaste. They all smelled the same. That mixture mixed with the smell of fresh cookies and Mona's body wash, a splash of perfume I figured was coming from Mrs. Barakat as she joined in our embrace as well, and a hint of mint that I detected from Mr. Barakat's direction.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world." Alex murmured in my ear before kissing my forehead. A small tug on my shirt distracted me slightly.

"Am I invited?" Emma's small figure called me to nod and grin. I pulled her into the hug as well.

So what if I wasn't accepted by Alex's parents. So what if I wasn't in New York anymore. So what if Christine was dead and Jade had committed suicide. So what if I'd never get to see Madden, BC, or Derek again. So what if it turns out I have iron deficiency anemia. So what if I never speak to Vivian Ross again.

Emma was still with me. I had a dog. I'd travel all across The United States on Warped Tour. I got to meet my sister's musical idol, Christofer Drew. And I finally had a family. My family. A family that actually cared about me and I wouldn't have to worry about beating me up in the middle of the night. I was finally home.

And that was all that mattered.