You Can't Wipe My Tears Away
1/1
It was raining. It always seemed to rain on days like these, on days where moods were just as bleak. My black dress clung to my body from the wind and rain. The umbrella I had brought did nothing for me. Tears were silently streaming down my cheeks. Next to me, my mother was silent, tears remained brimming in her eyes as she stared ahead of her. I knew she was in another time right now. I knew she was thinking of a happier time. But I couldn’t. I was rooted to this time, and to this place. I was stuck in the horror of the day.
I felt numb. My whole body was numb. I stared at the casket. The priest was saying something, but I wasn’t listening. I was just staring straight ahead at the mahogany casket that would soon be lowered into the ground. I was staring at the box that held my father’s body. It did not hold my father, I refused to believe it. He was gone, leaving behind what had been his costume. No way was the cold lifeless clammy body I had seen in the wake my father. It was all that had been left behind, but it was not him.
My father was full of life. The body lay lifeless. He always smiled. The body didn’t even hold a smile, the sides of his face drooping down now. He was always there for me, no matter what time of day or night. The body would remain in the ground, decaying every moment. He chased away my nightmares. The body I had seen, I knew, would be the source of my distress for years to come.
No, that body was not my father. And yet, I still cried for it. I still felt my heart exploding with grief. My world still shattered because of it. Everything was still gray. Nothing held any color, nothing mattered. My dad, my best friend, my protector, my shield, my hero, my idol, my role model, my life was gone, and all that remained was a shell, just an empty shell.
Someone took my hand and squeezed it. I didn’t need to look up to know it was my boyfriend, Grayson. I didn’t need to say anything, he still came under my umbrella and hugged me. He was trying to shield me, I knew. He was trying to stop the pain. But he didn’t know that nothing he did, nothing anyone did would help anything. The only thing that would take this sadness, this pain, this emptiness would be for my father to come running over to us, and ask us what the hell we were doing.
I stared at the casket and realized that he was really gone. I knew he was, but it hit me again. And every time it hit me, it shocked my whole body, bringing in a whole new sadness wave. So many times it hit me in different ways, but the result was always the same. I would remember that he was gone and we would never go to a Phillies game together again, he would never pick me up after school, he would never be waiting up for me when I was out with Grayson, he would never come running out of his room with a bat when he heard my door open because he thought I was in trouble, he would never be there anymore. The grief this wave brought was enough to knock me down. If it weren’t for Grayson’s arms around me, I would be on the ground. Instead, new tears spilled out of my eyes and everything went black.
I felt numb. My whole body was numb. I stared at the casket. The priest was saying something, but I wasn’t listening. I was just staring straight ahead at the mahogany casket that would soon be lowered into the ground. I was staring at the box that held my father’s body. It did not hold my father, I refused to believe it. He was gone, leaving behind what had been his costume. No way was the cold lifeless clammy body I had seen in the wake my father. It was all that had been left behind, but it was not him.
My father was full of life. The body lay lifeless. He always smiled. The body didn’t even hold a smile, the sides of his face drooping down now. He was always there for me, no matter what time of day or night. The body would remain in the ground, decaying every moment. He chased away my nightmares. The body I had seen, I knew, would be the source of my distress for years to come.
No, that body was not my father. And yet, I still cried for it. I still felt my heart exploding with grief. My world still shattered because of it. Everything was still gray. Nothing held any color, nothing mattered. My dad, my best friend, my protector, my shield, my hero, my idol, my role model, my life was gone, and all that remained was a shell, just an empty shell.
Someone took my hand and squeezed it. I didn’t need to look up to know it was my boyfriend, Grayson. I didn’t need to say anything, he still came under my umbrella and hugged me. He was trying to shield me, I knew. He was trying to stop the pain. But he didn’t know that nothing he did, nothing anyone did would help anything. The only thing that would take this sadness, this pain, this emptiness would be for my father to come running over to us, and ask us what the hell we were doing.
I stared at the casket and realized that he was really gone. I knew he was, but it hit me again. And every time it hit me, it shocked my whole body, bringing in a whole new sadness wave. So many times it hit me in different ways, but the result was always the same. I would remember that he was gone and we would never go to a Phillies game together again, he would never pick me up after school, he would never be waiting up for me when I was out with Grayson, he would never come running out of his room with a bat when he heard my door open because he thought I was in trouble, he would never be there anymore. The grief this wave brought was enough to knock me down. If it weren’t for Grayson’s arms around me, I would be on the ground. Instead, new tears spilled out of my eyes and everything went black.
♠ ♠ ♠
Thanks for reading :] Hoping you liked it! Let me know what you thought :]