Remember It Rains

I seated in the small wood bench in front of the lake. I came here even more each day, to think about what had happened. I listened to the ducks and felt a fresh breeze on my face.

This afternoon was very alike to the one when he appeared. He had a beautiful smile, and his eyes were deep like the sea. If love at first sight exists then, this must have had been it. The clouds started to get together but my mind was way too lost in the memories to take notice of that.

If I should mention the way it all started I would say that it started with the rain and a little girl.
When I was young I used to think that if I singed to the clouds, rain would come. I must admit that none of the times I tried to make it rain during the dry seasons, it really rained because of me. I liked to think that if I singed with all my might the clouds would gather up and join to the singing. Only that singing and waiting in my backyard with an umbrella, worked as good as waiting for the rain to come. I truly believed that singing was magic. It was foolish of me to think that way.

I grew up and began to sing to make the pain of my heart better. I singed to express what I felt because it was rare when my mother had time to listen to me. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but she somehow always ended up changing the theme to herself. Things at home were not good, mom and dad kept fighting and school was a synonym of hell. The only time I enjoyed was when I escaped to the old swings near the lake and singed until I felt better.

The night my father left I singed between my tears. I singed and cried my heart out. Ironically it rained hard during the whole night. After that, my through and eyes became dry. My lips became silent and I felt that using my voice to communicate something that nobody would ever listen to, was useless. My family didn’t notice the silence that replaced the beautiful melodies that I would make up with the piano. They didn’t care, or rather, did not think it was a “big deal”.

I didn’t think it was a “big deal” too. Not until I started to avoid music in general it started with the piano lessons, I quitted. A little while after that I got rid of my Ipod by giving it to my sister. Mom thought it was out of generosity, but I knew better. Music didn’t mean anything to me now and by getting rid of it, I would get rid of all the things that made me mad.

I liked the silence now. The penetrating silence that made my ears bleed. The constant voice in my head, which repeated, “Being ignored is what you deserve. Look how ugly you are, and how horrible your voice is. Nobody will ever listen to you, so why bother listening to them?” That silence that brain washed me. The same silence that I so desperately looked for, just like a junkie looks for drugs.

I refused to listen to anything or anyone. I was so furious at life, at my father, but most of all, at me. At me because I was not brilliant enough, pretty enough, good enough for anyone to hear me or to take notice of what my heart was feeling.

I’ve always been the kind of girl who hides behind a mask of well-controlled emotions. I built defenses and offended all the people who dared to think they are strong enough to make me put my guard down. I in a sick way enjoyed suffering alone, reopening my wound whenever I wanted to feel something, anything. I suffered, but never cried or asked for help. No, I was too proud for that.

Even now I am too proud to admit the things I felt the first time I met him. I never really took notice of him, but he certainly took notice of me. Everyday he watched me; a seventeen-year-old girl swinging in the old metallic games watching at the sky. Everyday he looked after me, and wondered about my life, about the real me, but never spoke to me, he just watched.

It was until the day he broke my silence that I got to know of his existence. I clearly remember the way he looked that afternoon, he was so shinny and his mere presence made my cold heart feel a faint of warmth.

- Hello, my name is Daniel. – I was not sure if he was talking to me or not, either way I decided to ignore him. – I’ve noticed you never talk to anybody. - He said cautiously but still smiling.

I didn’t wait for him to continue. I stud up and began to walk to my house. I knew there would be noise inside of it, but I could easily shut it down by taking a nap a thing that I did more and more often.

“Daniel” kept following me and making random questions. I’ve never been a patient person, but it became worse when the noise disturbed my precious time of silence. I tried hard to ignore him, but there was something in his voice, in his lips, they were too appealing for me to ignore.

- Why won’t you answer my questions? – He said with a defeated voice. – Is it that you can’t hear me? Or you don’t want to? - He asked now blocking my way. Those last questions made the combination of fury, sadness, anger, resentment, and confusion inside of me to exploded.

- Do you think you deserve being listened to? Do you think that by some words you can change something? Do you really think that?! – I was already directing my frustration to him, might as well say everything I have to say.

- The world does not work that way, “Daniel”. People do not care about what you have to say, or what you think is important. That is the reason why nobody will ever listen to you. Words are useless when trying to express to someone what you feel. It doesn’t matter how much you wait and sing to the clouds, it will not rain! –
I made a brief pause to take air because I had being screaming, but I was not done. I didn’t noticed at the time but Daniel was listening to me truthfully.

- My dad left me alone no matter how much I cried for him to come back! My mom is all but a good listener; she never pays attention to what I have to say. She just assumes things! My sister? She is inside her bubble of her fake-perfect-little-world and doesn’t take a moment of her life to listen to me. I don’t need any advice or a therapist! I just need somebody to listen to me! - We were now very close to each other, meaning that I had screamed everything to his face.

I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my chest. I felt better and free from all that anger. I sighted heavily; inside of me I knew that I should apologize to Daniel because it was not his fault, any of it. I might have lost my will to listen to other people, but I still knew of modals.

- Forgive me. I’ve had a tough time and I just took out all my frustration on you. I’m sorry. My name is Carla by the way. - I was now almost whispering but he seemed to understand.

– I am very sorry you had to listen to that. - We were still very close to each other; I could even hear his breathing.

- I will listen to you. – He said with a soft voice. – I will listen to whatever you have to say, because I want to know about you. - He didn’t touch me but I felt a warm feeling embracing me, like a wave of a comforting aura.

- You promise? – I know it was very probable that he wouldn’t but still I wanted to believe in something. It’s being too long from the last time somebody told me they would listen to me. Really listen to me, not just pretend they do or try to take the topic to themselves after a little while.

- I promise, if you promise to listen to me too. - I didn’t like the idea of listening to him too, but I accepted. – I promise. - It was until then that I noticed we were both talking very softly.

- Why are we whispering? - I asked him. He just smiled and answered.

- A wise man once said: “When we are angry, our hearts drift apart. To cover the distance we feel, we instinctively shout instead of speak so the other person can hear us.”
He made a la pause to look at me in the eyes. - “But as we shout, we get angrier. And we feel we drift apart further. So we shout even louder...” - He leaned to my ear and then continued. - “It is the opposite when we are in love. Not only we do not shout, we whisper into each other ears. Why?” – Inside of me I already knew the answer but I waited for him to tell me.

- “We whisper because our hearts are very close, almost never apart. As our love deepen, we reach a state of communication where there is no need for words.”- His words kept repeating themselves inside my head; they were so true that I couldn’t help but to listen.

-Besides, don’t you believe in the power of the spoken word? It is said that if you speak something out you program your body and mind to obey that words. With time the will of your mind will be so great that you wish will come true. - He said smiling truthfully.

- Like making it rain, just by wishing it? - I suggested with a sarcastic voice.

- Exactly! – he said completely ignoring the sarcastic tune of my voice.

- So, shall we seat down so I can listen to whatever you have to say? – He said as he pointed to a bench that had a great view of the lake. – And you have yet to listen to me. - I wanted to spend more time with him but there was something I had to do.

- I would love to, but I have something to do. – I said getting ready to confront my problem.

- Then meet me later. I promise you will like listening to this. - For the first time in a while I smiled from the bottom of my heart.

- I will, and thanks for making me remember. - I said while walking backwards, refusing to part.

He gave me a confused look so I continued.

- Listening is just a part of the communication; you need a clear message and a person to transmit it in order to be understood. Thank you! - After that I turned around and started to walk faster when I remembered something.

- Do you promise you will be here? - I shouted to him.

- I promise! – He simply answered before each of us walking away.

I opened the house and found a leaving room full with people. It was one of my mother’s parties. Ever since my father left she’s being making this kind of parties where random people where invited. She told me (and I quote) “…meeting new people is a good thing. You never know when the right person will come into your life.”
I thought she just wanted to make my life even more frustrating than it was, but now I understood that she did it because she felt lonely. We were alike, but different. I seek for silence and she looked for noise.

Nobody paid attention to me while I made my way to the kitchen, where I knew I would find my mother. She was tipsy already. I could tell by the way she was sitting and the empty bottle on the table.

- Mom, we need to talk. - I was not going to wait for her to want to talk about it. I needed to know the truth. I was about to spit out all the things I said to Daniel a while ago, but I found myself with no will of doing it. Instead of shouting I took a breath in and said.

- Mom I just want you to listen to me. Ok? - I said. – Do you feel proud of me? – I said with a cracked up voice, it was almost as if I was about to cry.
She looked at me surprised by the question, as if the doubt of it was unthinkable.

- I do feel proud of you. You are the only one in this house who is able to pull us all together and work it all out. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent girl. Why wouldn’t I be proud of you? - She said.

- It’s just that since that went away, you never pay attention to me anymore. Whenever I try to tell you about something that I consider important you always change the topic or say that it is not a great matter. I sometimes feel like I am not enough. - I left out. I talked from my heart, because that is the way I felt. – You never complemented me on my goals. I even got to think that you didn’t loved me, just like Dad does. - I said.

- Oh baby, I love you the most in this world. I feel very proud whenever I hear you voice when you sing. I respected you silence because I thought that you where better like that. - She came to me and hugged me for the first time in a long time.

- I love you, and I would like you to sing for me some day. I just want you to know that your father’s part was not your fault. Never blame yourself for it. – She whispered to me.
The door of the kitchen opened and my sister came in.

- Are you going to sing now? – She said, I knew that she had been listening all along.

- Yeah, I will, but first I have to go see someone. - I then left my mother and my house heading to the lake happy and relieved.