Look at the Stars, Look How They Shine for You

The crew had been quiet the past few days. Jack had been quiet, Will, Scarlett, everyone. But I had to focus to remember. Focus. I shuddered at the word. Why did I need to? How come I had to fight twice as hard to do the things everyone else did? It wasn't fair that just because I could play with water and air I was anything less than them.

I still breathed air. I still ate normal food, I still needed sleep. I laughed, I cried, I felt happiness and sadness. Why then was I so disconnected? Lately things were so different to me. I would pick up random objects, needing to look at them. It wasn't to pass the time, it was like they were foreign to me. Things I had been used to before.

Books, clothes, bottles, boxes, swords, things from this life and things from the future. They all seemed so...meaningless. And it terrified me. But it only terrified a part of me. Most of me was numb to the outside world. I found myself spending hours on end thinking internally. I would retreat within myself, where I didn't have to worry.

Most of the time I was out on the bowsprit, hovering above the ocean. The ocean had been eerily calm. Unreasonably calm, actually. The waves were almost non existent. The wind was barely there. My head was always spinning. The unanswered questions bounced around my head every waking minute. I always felt a little dizzy, always. Sometimes I didn't exactly remember where I was.

And that scared people.

"Catalina?"

"Hey Scar." I smiled, my back to her. She hovered a few steps closer. I kept my eyes out on the sea. I didn't want her to see my watering eyes.

"How you holding up?" She asked.

"I'm great. How are you?" I replied, causing her to sigh, coming as close as she could.

"Cat, don't do this. Don't pretend like nothings wrong." She pleaded. Her compassion made me falter for a moment.

"Don't worry about it." I said, cursing my voice for quivering. She sighed, turning me to face her. I climbed off the bowsprit, attempting to walk past her. She lightly grabbed my arm, pulling me back. Her eyes were sympathetic, and she held me steady in front of her. I took one breath, and another, and then proceeded to collapse onto her.

I couldn't recall crying so hard in my life. My head ached, my heart was heavy. Feeling and being different was one thing, but when you couldn't understand why you were flying away like a hot air balloon...well it got to you. I was slowly becoming detached from everything I held dear. Inch by inch, I was leaving. Against my will. And I didn't know how to stop it.

"Shh, let it out Cat." Scarlett cooed, holding me tight and stroking my hair. For a fleeting moment I felt that I was with my mother. The way she cared for me, insisted on making sure I was okay. I held her closer, not wanting to lost the feeling.

"It's not fair..." I whimpered. "Why did this have to happen? I don't understand anything!" I cried.

"I know, I know. It's not fair at all." She said quietly. "But we'll be at Tia's in a few days, and then everything will make sense."

"I'm disappearing, Scarlett." I whispered. "I'm breaking away. And I don't know where all my pieces are."

"You're right here, Catalina. All of you. It's a phase, you'll get past it. I promise." She said, and I pulled away enough to see the honesty in her face. She believed what she was saying.

"I'm s-sorry." I choked out, and she frowned.

"Don't you apologize for nothin', girl." She said, causing me to smile.

'Thanks Scar." I said, pulling her into a hug.

"S'what I'm here for, Cat." She smiled. With one last glance to make sure I was okay, she slowly retreated from my presence. I took a few deep breaths in and out. I still wasn't as calm as I'd like to be, though. I walked down the stairs to the main deck, pausing when there was a creak in one of the boards.

I bounced my weight back and forth, causing the board to continue to creak. It was odd. The board was getting old. Something I could never do. I would look the same until the end of time, or until I died. I wondered if I'd ever have the courage to go on land and let myself die. To curve, like this warped board beneath my feet, and be cast off the face of the planet. Into the abyss.

"Ye alright love?" That oh-so-familiar voice called from behind me. I slowly shook my head.

"I'm lost." I whispered. So quietly he didn't he hear.

"Eh?" He called, walking so that he was in front of me.

"Nothing." I said, pushing past him. I didn't want to think about him right now. I didn't want to think about anything at all. I just wanted to pause life, step out of the frame and take a breather. I needed to freeze time and take a break. His hand closed around my arm, preventing me from leaving. I sighed, turning my head to look at him.

"Doesn't look like nothin' to me." He remarked.

"I don't want to talk about it, Jack." I said, going to walk away. He was supposed to let go, give up. But no, he just had to pull me back.

"Ye haven't talked about it for the past week and a half, Catalina." He pointed out.

"Maybe because I can't talk about it, Jack." I replied.

"Ye can't have nothin' to say. Ye always have somethin' to say." He teased, hoping for the laugh that never came.

"You don't understand..."

"Give it a try, love." He prodded.

"Jack, I said that I can't talk about it!" I snapped. He flinched for the briefest of moments, letting go of my arm. He called out to me as I walked away.

"You're making this quite bloody difficult, lass. If ye'd prefer to do this all by your lonesome, then-"

"I am alone, Jack." I spat, spinning back to look at him. "And you can't get that through your thick head. All this shit is happening and I have no fucking clue why, and you're standing there like it's the easiest thing to figure out!"

"Maybe it would be if you let someone help ya for once!" He yelled back. My eyes were shooting fire.

"Don't act like you understand, because you don't!" I yelled back, taking a few steps back to him, never breaking eye contact. "If I don't understand this, you can't. I don't understand what's happening, I don't understand why it's happening, I don't even understand you!"

"I'm not that hard to figure out, love." He said quieter. We had already caused a big enough scene.

"Could've fooled me." I spat.

"Apparently it's not all that difficult." He taunted, causing me to clench my teeth.

"Tell me something I don't know, asshole." I hissed, turning on my heel to leave him once again.

"Ye want to know something new Cat?" He called, his own eyes slitting into glares as he approached me. "I love you." He growled, freezing me to the spot. 50 different emotions pulled inside of me, fighting to win me over. I was scared, I was angry, I was sad, I was worried, I was confused. My head began to spin, and I clutched either side with my hands. I swayed slightly, and jammed my eyes shut.

"You never make anything easy." I whispered, retreating to my room.

"Coming from you." He grumbled just before I was out of ear shot. It halted my footsteps for the briefest of moments, but I continued to my refuge.



Again I had cried. Hard. There were too many things happening at once. Like I was 6 different people all smashed into one body, with a million things to worry about and even more duties to fulfill. It clawed at me, the knowledge of everything. Slowly I was being torn apart, into little tiny shreds. I was emotionally and mentally drained.

I was going to lose, either way. If I fought the growing question mark within me, I lost myself. If I let it take over, I lost Jack. Wasn't there always supposed to be an option with a good ending? Where was my lucky door number three? Where was my rabbit's foot, horseshoe, four leaved clover? A fresh wave of tears.

In a split second, I decided. I just hoped that Jack would still want me if I changed.



I flung open his door, slamming it shut behind me. It was dark, everyone was just going to sleep. But I knew that Jack would be up. He was getting about as much sleep as I was. My eyes were red from crying, my hair was a mess, and my breathing was still uneven. He stood up from his desk, watching me carefully, skeptically even. I took four steady strides towards him.

"I don't want to lose you." I whispered, wrapping my arms around him and holding him close. He hesitated for a moment before he did the same.

"I ain't goin' nowhere, love." He said quietly. The tears came again, and my arms tightened around his neck. "Is you cryin'?"

"I have no idea what's going on." I whispered.

"Is you drunk?" He teased, and I let out a laugh. Finally releasing my choke hold grip on his neck, I hurried to wipe the tears from my eyes.

"I haven't had rum in a long time." I replied.

"Perhaps that's the problem. Rum is good." He said, causing me to smile. I leaned up, kissing him. It was what I needed right now. I needed emotion that I wanted to feel. His arms held me closer, as he deepened the kiss. I needed to feel how much he cared.

We stumbled backwards a few steps, and collapsed onto the bed. In an odd series of rolls we ended up lying on it the proper way. He kept his arms firmly around me, keeping me on top of him. I never wanted to let go. I felt as his fingers gripped the zipper to my dress, pulling it down a few centimetres before he abruptly stopped. Pulling away, he looked extremely guilty.

"Got a little carried away." He smirked. I rolled my eyes.

"Shut up and kiss me." I ordered, and he was more than happy to comply. I slid my hand out from under his head, taking his hand on my back and sliding it up to the zipper. He hesitated before continuing, but knew I wouldn't have done it just to tease him. Not at a time like this, where I was the one who needed him.

The fabric that was woven together into clothing was lying in various locations on the floor. The covers were pulled up against us, my fingers digging into the mattress beneath me. My entire body quivered with the overwhelming knowledge that he meant it when he said he loved me. For some fucked up reason we'd fallen for each other. For some fucked up reason we were meant to be.

But for now, that fucked up reason sat just fine with me. Our breathing was heavy, the comforter covering us only making me sweat more. Jack was my anchor. Keeping me grounded to the best of his abilities. And as much as we both liked to pretend otherwise, as much as we cursed and yelled and fought and pretended to hate one another; we were in love.

The word that seemed so insignificant at one point, the one that now kept me from losing my mind. For the brief time period; I didn't think about the future. I didn't think about the past. I didn't think about anything other than us. Right here, right now. Whatever we shared, it wasn't false. It was the one bit of reality that seemed plausible.



He wasn't asleep yet, but he was slowly drifting. I would let him sleep in a minute, as much as I didn't want to disturb him. I was so comfortable, his arms wrapped protectively around my midsection. His head was resting behind mine, so whenever he exhaled his breath tickled my neck. Like a reminder that he was there.

"Jack?" I called into the darkness.

"Mmmmmm." He groaned, causing me to smile.

"However much you love me, I will always love you more." I whispered, citing a line from a song I'd heard. He laughed ever so lightly.

"Keep telling yourself that, darling."