The Flargle!
North America, 2010:
Jesus never actually left the Earth in 1 A.D.--that was just a myth. He had previously been working for the past fifty years as an accounting consultant in Lansing, Michigan. Unfortunately, he quit because he epically failed when trying to save Bill from Accounting. BIll was a very depressed, middle-aged man who decided to terminate his meaningless existence by sling-shotting himself (using rubber bands, paper clips, and an office chair) out of the fifty-second floor of the building.
Jesus screamed, "BILL, DON'T DO IT! Jesus loves you!"
A blimp was passing by the top of the accounting building which ironically read: 'Your Life Matters to Us! Call 1-800-SUICIDE-NOW for Any Additional Help. We're THere for You, Buddy ... eh!' BIll disregarded the blimp he didn't need their stupid help. BIll from Accounting squealed as he plummeted with his office-made contraption.
He cried out, "AHHHHHHH! But I'm not gay, Jesus--!" Splat! Bill landed face-down on a hearse passing on the street. Jesus cried and got to his knees in the crammed office. He had failed to save Bill from Accounting--he was a murderer.
He shook his fist in the air and screamed, "He had so much to live for ... his mother, his father, his desk, and me. Why father almighty, why?!"
The electricity went out in the office as a thunderbolt came down from the sky. The whole building turned pitch black.
"Blast it, Jesus!" yelled the manager in his Italian accent; his plumber-like mustache twitched furiously as he strode over to Jesus, "Ya did it again--what are you, some kinda moron?!" he spat in his face.
Jesus slapped the little man, "No! I'm a murderer! I quit this job, Luigi!" and Jesus left Luigi befuddled on the floor of his own office.
Luigi was a little OCD; when he was angry, he liked to wipe things off. He wiped off Bill from Accounting's office desk and sighed, "Ah, so much-a dust!" He felt a little better and left the office early in his remote-control car to go make a-pizza pie for supper.
Back to our hero, Jesus, though. Jesus stormed across the city of Lansing. He could no longer face society; rain poured down on him. He retreated north to a desolate forest in Canada. Jesus entered a random, dark cave as he moped. In the corner of the cave, he saw the figure of a little man. He thought it was a hermit, but as a fire appeared in front of the man, Jesus realized he wasn't a hermit at all. It was Mr. Miyagi, the kung-fu / sorcerer / master of virtually everything.
"Who has come to me in big, dark cave?!" asked Mr. Miyagi with a blindfold over his eyes, "Reveal yourself to Miyagi!"
Jesus cocked his head, "Wouldn't it just be easier for you tot ake your blindfold off?"
"No!" Mr. Miyagi was fierce, "I will not take it off. For he who is strong must fish in absolute darkness for truth. Now, I request you either reveal yourself to Miyagi or leave."
"How?" Jesus was curious, "I mean, you can't exactly see me with your blindfold--"
"--forget blindfold, grasshopper!" Mr. Miyagi got up hotly from his meditating position, "Just tell me your name and I tell you if you are worthy of Miyagi's time."
"Jesus Christ," replied the hero, "Son of Man, Elijah, the Savior, you know?" Mr. Miyagi was initially unsure with his blindfold on, so he patted Jesus' body and then sniffed his face to see if it really was the savior.
Mr. Miyagi was pleased, "You tell Miyagi the truth. You are good, grasshopper. Now, what brings you to this dark place?"
"Jesus hung his head low in shame, "Master Miyagi, I'm a loser--I failed as Christ!"
Mr. Miyagi was confused, "There is no such thing as failure . . . only defeat. What did you do, grasshopper.
Jesus explained how he couldn't save Bill from Accounting. He was embarrassed and ashamed that he didn't have the strength to stop death right under his nose. Mr. Miyagi comforted a hopeless Jesus. He handed him a few tissues and a cup of cocoa he had ready for just this kind of occasion. Jesus felt better after drinking the chocolatey beverage. It made him think of happy times when he and God would play baseball in heaven together happily.
Mr. Miyagi then told Jesus not to worry; he had a plan for him. He would be able to get Jesus to redeem himself by turning him into a kung-fu warrior.
"But I'm not a fighter!" cried Jesus pointing to his limp arms, "I may be the Son of God; I may be able to make the blind see again, but I'm athletically challenged!"
"You will be kung-fu warrior in no time, Jesus Christ," said Mr. Miyagi firmly. He took off his blindfold, "Come, grasshopper. We train in my forest garden."
Jesus worked with Miyagi each day that week for hours on end in the zen garden filled with creepy statues of fat men and sand plots. Most of the training seemed senseless--he tried and failed to capture flies with chopsticks; he could not break a piece of flimsy plywood with his hands.
"This is useless, sensei!" whined Jesus while eating Ramen noodles in the cave on the sixth night, "I am not a warrior. I feel no stronger than I did yesterday."
"Patience, I tell you grasshopper!" roared Mr. Miyagi while slurping his noodles, "You just wait. You wake up as big, strong hero in no time, I tell you."
On the seventh day that week, Jesus had an epiphany while doing squats. He realized that he didn't need to work out--he didn't need to be super-buff like a hero. Why? Because he was immortal--the Son of God. So what if he couldn't save one meaningless mortal? As the rain fell down on him, he felt a surge within his body; he had magical powers.
"Father, what is this?!" he cried to the dark sky; Jesus pointed his index finger and a lightning bolt shot out, "Cool!"
Mr. Miyagi nodded approvingly while stepping out of the shadows. "You are ready. I make you hero--I give you lightning, not God. However, you still lack ninja-skill, grasshopper." He cocked his head, and then figured out exactly what Jesus needed. "Aha! You need a partner--Chuckle! Commence!"
The wind rustled; trees blew furiously. Jesus felt the ground tremble with fear. There was a stomping sound coming towards them in the zen garden. Jesus was cautious. The humongous Western Red Cedar trees began to fall over as a man came riding in on a bison. The bison was not a typical bison, for it had long giant horns and was as big as a trailer home. The man calmly stepped off of the beast; he turned to the bison which collapsed as soon as he met his eyes.
The man's eyes were full of disdain, "You are worth nothing to me," he snarled at the bison and strode over to Mr. Miyagi, "You called?"
Mr. Miyagi smirked, "Oho! Chuckle! You know Chuck Norris, Jesus?"
Jesus felt faint, yet eager, "Yes. I've seen all of your movies, sir . . . and I've tried to duplicate your moves--"
"-- but you failed," Chuck paused and as he did this, the rain halted in the sky. Rain drops were froze to the spot; all life stopped moving. Time stood till in that moment for thirty days straight--Chuck looking at Jesus with disgust, Jesus in a state of shock, and Mr. Miyagi just picking his nose with chopsticks.
~~~~~~
Thirty days later, rain began to fall again as Chuck finished his sentence, "-- quite epically, might I add, Jesus."
Jesus smiled, 'I'm glad that you were put here on this Earth by my father, Cbuck. I'm real impressed by your skills. Myiagi-sensei told me I still need to find kung-fu ninja skills before I'm a true hero. Do you think you could train with me?"
Chuck knew that Jesus was clearly misinformed--he was never 'put' on the Earth by anyone. He just appeared. He shook his head, "No. I don't train fools--you just learn on your own."
The training began. For the rest of 2010, Jesus trained hard with Chuck and Mr. Miyagi in the woods of Canada. Little did they know that on the other end of the Earth in the city of Pyongyang, an evil mastermind was hard at work to take over the world!!
Jesus screamed, "BILL, DON'T DO IT! Jesus loves you!"
A blimp was passing by the top of the accounting building which ironically read: 'Your Life Matters to Us! Call 1-800-SUICIDE-NOW for Any Additional Help. We're THere for You, Buddy ... eh!' BIll disregarded the blimp he didn't need their stupid help. BIll from Accounting squealed as he plummeted with his office-made contraption.
He cried out, "AHHHHHHH! But I'm not gay, Jesus--!" Splat! Bill landed face-down on a hearse passing on the street. Jesus cried and got to his knees in the crammed office. He had failed to save Bill from Accounting--he was a murderer.
He shook his fist in the air and screamed, "He had so much to live for ... his mother, his father, his desk, and me. Why father almighty, why?!"
The electricity went out in the office as a thunderbolt came down from the sky. The whole building turned pitch black.
"Blast it, Jesus!" yelled the manager in his Italian accent; his plumber-like mustache twitched furiously as he strode over to Jesus, "Ya did it again--what are you, some kinda moron?!" he spat in his face.
Jesus slapped the little man, "No! I'm a murderer! I quit this job, Luigi!" and Jesus left Luigi befuddled on the floor of his own office.
Luigi was a little OCD; when he was angry, he liked to wipe things off. He wiped off Bill from Accounting's office desk and sighed, "Ah, so much-a dust!" He felt a little better and left the office early in his remote-control car to go make a-pizza pie for supper.
Back to our hero, Jesus, though. Jesus stormed across the city of Lansing. He could no longer face society; rain poured down on him. He retreated north to a desolate forest in Canada. Jesus entered a random, dark cave as he moped. In the corner of the cave, he saw the figure of a little man. He thought it was a hermit, but as a fire appeared in front of the man, Jesus realized he wasn't a hermit at all. It was Mr. Miyagi, the kung-fu / sorcerer / master of virtually everything.
"Who has come to me in big, dark cave?!" asked Mr. Miyagi with a blindfold over his eyes, "Reveal yourself to Miyagi!"
Jesus cocked his head, "Wouldn't it just be easier for you tot ake your blindfold off?"
"No!" Mr. Miyagi was fierce, "I will not take it off. For he who is strong must fish in absolute darkness for truth. Now, I request you either reveal yourself to Miyagi or leave."
"How?" Jesus was curious, "I mean, you can't exactly see me with your blindfold--"
"--forget blindfold, grasshopper!" Mr. Miyagi got up hotly from his meditating position, "Just tell me your name and I tell you if you are worthy of Miyagi's time."
"Jesus Christ," replied the hero, "Son of Man, Elijah, the Savior, you know?" Mr. Miyagi was initially unsure with his blindfold on, so he patted Jesus' body and then sniffed his face to see if it really was the savior.
Mr. Miyagi was pleased, "You tell Miyagi the truth. You are good, grasshopper. Now, what brings you to this dark place?"
"Jesus hung his head low in shame, "Master Miyagi, I'm a loser--I failed as Christ!"
Mr. Miyagi was confused, "There is no such thing as failure . . . only defeat. What did you do, grasshopper.
Jesus explained how he couldn't save Bill from Accounting. He was embarrassed and ashamed that he didn't have the strength to stop death right under his nose. Mr. Miyagi comforted a hopeless Jesus. He handed him a few tissues and a cup of cocoa he had ready for just this kind of occasion. Jesus felt better after drinking the chocolatey beverage. It made him think of happy times when he and God would play baseball in heaven together happily.
Mr. Miyagi then told Jesus not to worry; he had a plan for him. He would be able to get Jesus to redeem himself by turning him into a kung-fu warrior.
"But I'm not a fighter!" cried Jesus pointing to his limp arms, "I may be the Son of God; I may be able to make the blind see again, but I'm athletically challenged!"
"You will be kung-fu warrior in no time, Jesus Christ," said Mr. Miyagi firmly. He took off his blindfold, "Come, grasshopper. We train in my forest garden."
Jesus worked with Miyagi each day that week for hours on end in the zen garden filled with creepy statues of fat men and sand plots. Most of the training seemed senseless--he tried and failed to capture flies with chopsticks; he could not break a piece of flimsy plywood with his hands.
"This is useless, sensei!" whined Jesus while eating Ramen noodles in the cave on the sixth night, "I am not a warrior. I feel no stronger than I did yesterday."
"Patience, I tell you grasshopper!" roared Mr. Miyagi while slurping his noodles, "You just wait. You wake up as big, strong hero in no time, I tell you."
On the seventh day that week, Jesus had an epiphany while doing squats. He realized that he didn't need to work out--he didn't need to be super-buff like a hero. Why? Because he was immortal--the Son of God. So what if he couldn't save one meaningless mortal? As the rain fell down on him, he felt a surge within his body; he had magical powers.
"Father, what is this?!" he cried to the dark sky; Jesus pointed his index finger and a lightning bolt shot out, "Cool!"
Mr. Miyagi nodded approvingly while stepping out of the shadows. "You are ready. I make you hero--I give you lightning, not God. However, you still lack ninja-skill, grasshopper." He cocked his head, and then figured out exactly what Jesus needed. "Aha! You need a partner--Chuckle! Commence!"
The wind rustled; trees blew furiously. Jesus felt the ground tremble with fear. There was a stomping sound coming towards them in the zen garden. Jesus was cautious. The humongous Western Red Cedar trees began to fall over as a man came riding in on a bison. The bison was not a typical bison, for it had long giant horns and was as big as a trailer home. The man calmly stepped off of the beast; he turned to the bison which collapsed as soon as he met his eyes.
The man's eyes were full of disdain, "You are worth nothing to me," he snarled at the bison and strode over to Mr. Miyagi, "You called?"
Mr. Miyagi smirked, "Oho! Chuckle! You know Chuck Norris, Jesus?"
Jesus felt faint, yet eager, "Yes. I've seen all of your movies, sir . . . and I've tried to duplicate your moves--"
"-- but you failed," Chuck paused and as he did this, the rain halted in the sky. Rain drops were froze to the spot; all life stopped moving. Time stood till in that moment for thirty days straight--Chuck looking at Jesus with disgust, Jesus in a state of shock, and Mr. Miyagi just picking his nose with chopsticks.
~~~~~~
Thirty days later, rain began to fall again as Chuck finished his sentence, "-- quite epically, might I add, Jesus."
Jesus smiled, 'I'm glad that you were put here on this Earth by my father, Cbuck. I'm real impressed by your skills. Myiagi-sensei told me I still need to find kung-fu ninja skills before I'm a true hero. Do you think you could train with me?"
Chuck knew that Jesus was clearly misinformed--he was never 'put' on the Earth by anyone. He just appeared. He shook his head, "No. I don't train fools--you just learn on your own."
The training began. For the rest of 2010, Jesus trained hard with Chuck and Mr. Miyagi in the woods of Canada. Little did they know that on the other end of the Earth in the city of Pyongyang, an evil mastermind was hard at work to take over the world!!