If Opposites Attract, Then We Were Meant to Be

*** Sam’s P.O.V. ***
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come?” Lizzie asked while I packed my suitcase.
“I’ll be okay.” I was going to Minnesota for Jared’s funeral. Just as I zipped my bag someone slid a letter under my door.
“You’ve got mail Sam,” Lizzie stated as if I couldn’t see that.
“I wonder who sent me something?” I asked myself out loud. “Oh my God, look who it’s from.” I shoved the envelope into Lizzie’s hand and her eyes widened in surprise.
“Jared Anderson? How does someone who’s dead send a letter to his ex-fiancée?” she whispered. I tore open the letter and began to read.
Dear Sam,
I’ll bet you hate me but I’m writing this letter because I still love you and wanted you to know the truth. I still did drugs I always have, throughout our months and months of being a couple. I don’t know if your friend Billie Joe told you or not but, I cheated on you. I don’t know why I just did. You were way better than I deserve and I’m so sorry. I couldn’t live with the guilt; yes I know how Hollywood that sounds but its true. I am more sorry than I think I have ever been in my life.
Love Always, Till Death and Beyond,
Jared
“He pretty much set me a suicide note,” I mumbled. I wanted to burst into tears. I wanted to weep until I couldn’t cry anymore but I couldn’t, even if I tried. I could not bring myself to cry. It was like some invisible drought sucked out all my tears and couldn’t replenish it anymore until a perfect rain filled me up again.
“Oh Sam, I’m so sorry!” Lizzie whispered sympathetically, placing a comforting hand on my back and rubbing soothing circles against my t-shirt. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked furrowing her brow in worry.
“I’m fine, I’m okay,” I answered once the feeling of tears past. How many times had I uttered those words in these few days? I must have said it thousands of times even when they were lies. I kept telling everyone, including myself.
“Okay. Take care of yourself then.” She stated giving me a hug and sending me on my way.
***
The whispers seemed to follow me everywhere. They were even at my…Jared’s funeral in Minnesota.
“That’s her.”
“I’ll bet she was the reason he killed himself, to sweet of a boy to end the engagement.” A voice hissed.
“Look at her, not even mourning in black.”
That was true I wasn’t wearing the traditional black. Instead I wore a white dress with one black ribbon and one blue ribbon. I didn’t want to think of Jared dying but rather starting a new life in a better place. The way I was dressed was just a way for him to remember me as he watches from Heaven; hopefully he sees me as beautiful, I want him to remember me as I will of him.
The intimidating whispers and critiques continued as I made my way up to the casket, I stood tall and unflinching as I stopped in front of Jared’s lifeless and heavily make-uped body, corpse. Taking a deep breath and took the cloth from my cold, trembling fingers and placed it in his open palm, I curled his fingers carefully over the note and prayed to God he received the message, somehow.
I am a wallflower. I stood at the back of the ceremony watching all the visitors and family come to see the deceased and pay their respects. They all wept and told tales, the happy kind, with each other as I looked on feeling unwelcome and out of place. I shed not a single tear. I felt obligated to be bawling in the midst of this congregation but I did nothing, I could do nothing.
I forced myself to ride in the limo behind the hearse with the remaining Andersons. They cried and cried and cried. Mrs. Anderson pulled me into an awkward embrace. In her arms I felt my body stiffen and all my muscles go rigid. The alarms in my head once again told me to pull out of this hug; they tend to go off when I’m getting close, like they did when I kissed Billie and when I fell in love with Jared.
In the last few hours I’ve scrutinized our relationship to every last detail, every flaw. I decided I rushed into it too fast and that I just wanted to be in love with someone too much to have actually fallen head-over-heels for him; like I thought I had. Maybe I’m destined to walk this world alone…
I didn’t get misty, or tear up as he was gently lowered into the cold ground. Maybe I couldn’t cry because he had cheated on me; lied to me; made me think I loved him, I don’t know I just couldn’t. Mr. Anderson put a hand on my shoulder as if to comfort me but I didn’t need comforting, he did. I let him also pull me into the stiff hug and he seemed to notice I didn’t want it and released me quickly.
“He loved you.” He stated with a sad smile on his red puffy face.
“I know.” I replied knowing he thought I was going to say I loved him too or something like that. He nodded and retreated back to his wife leaving me alone again.
Stooping down I picked up some loose soil and let it fall, grain by grain, onto Jared’s plot; then I turned back to him and walked away. I left ignoring other peoples’ protests. I left that chapter of my life story behind, maybe one day I’d come back and pick up reading it where I’d left off; maybe not…