All Figured Out

Zack lay in the hotel bed, thinking over the events that had taken place today.

Alex had said I love you. But he was almost positive that the words weren't the same.
He knew that Alex had meant that he loved him for being a good friend, not the same I love you that Zack meant.

If Zack had said it back, Alex would just assume he meant it in a friendly way.

Zack's heart must have been microscopic by now because every time he even looked at Alex, or talked to Alex, his heart would break.

Zack felt helpless without anyone to talk to about it. He had Rian, sure, but maybe it would be a little better to have Jack to talk to about it.

He'd been thinking about talking to the rest of the band and crew about his so called 'orientation'.

Zack had been gay for a few years now, and it was just last year that he'd gotten up the courage to tell anyone at all.

He and Rian had been close since 9th grade and when a friend of the both of them introduced them to each other, (mainly for band purposes) they hit it off immediately.

Rian was used to Zack being quiet, the kind of keep to himself type.

But Zack liked talking to Rian. He skipped the joking around, and got straight to the logical reasoning side of things. He gave Zack choices, he told him what he thought about the situation.

Just last year, they got a hotel in Chicago for a night and the show was the next day and Rian and Zack were room mates yet again.

Rian found Zack crying softly in the bathroom with the shower running, but Zack wasn't in it. Instead, Zack was sitting on the floor curled in a ball, much like the way Zack had found Alex.

Flashback

Rian walked into the room after a long night out and could hear the shower already running. But something else came with the sound of the running water.

Someone was sobbing, and he had remembered locking the door before they left, so the only person that could be in there was Zack.

Pushing his ear against the bathroom door, he knew it was Zack.

Knocking on the door lightly, the crying came to a sudden stop, only to be followed by the shower shutting off a few moments later.

Zack opened the door, making Rian back up suddenly.
He stepped out with his boxers on and his hair wet.

Rian knew he had shoved his head under the water only to make it seem like he had been showering.

"Sorry..." Zack ducked his head and walked toward his suitcase.

Rian followed him and sat on his bed as Zack pulled a Hurley t-shirt over his head.

"Why are you staring at me?"

Rian blinked at Zack, realizing he'd been caught.

"Uhm. I uh. Are you alright?" he asked.

Zack sighed, pushing his suitcase to the floor and sitting on the edge of his own bed facing Rian.

"I don't know. I mean. Yeah I guess." He tucked his legs under him, putting his elbows on his knees and putting his head in his hands.

"You seem kinda unsure dude."

Zack looked at Rian to see that his friend had a sympathetic look in his eyes.

Sighing, he spoke.

"I can trust you right? Like, not to say anything to the guys?"

Rian looked at him, stunned that he would ask a question like that.

"Dude! Yeah, of course you can. You know that."

Zack smiled at Rian, feeling a little better about his situation.

"Uhm. I just. Before I say it, just know that I never said anything before because I was afraid that'd it make things...Different."

Rian nodded in understanding.
"I want you to know though, that no matter what it is. It won't make things different, and nothing would have been different before either."

Zack smiled again, whispering a quiet thank you before swallowing the lump that began to form in his throat.

"I'm gay." His face heated up as he spoke the words to the drummer, afraid that he'd walk out of the room.

He looked down at the floor, playing with his hands in his lap.

He felt his bed sink down as someone else sat next to him, wrapping their arms around his shoulders, and he looked up to see Rian smiling down at him, assuring him that he didn't care.

"I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me these things Z. And I can promise you right now, that I won't judge you. Nothing will change, and the same goes for Jack and Alex. You know that."

Zack slumped his shoulders, "But, I just. I'm afraid to tell them. You know how they get. They'll play around with it like it's a toy or something."

Rian frowned, putting his head on his friends shoulder.

"I understand Zack. But you have to understand that if you told them not to joke around about it so much, then they won't. But you know when you do decide to tell them that they're gonna kid around about it just a little."

Zack laid his head on top of Rians, feeling a whole lot better then he did before.

"Thanks Ri. And I know they will, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't tell them."

He rolled himself out of Rian's embrace and put his back against the headboard of the hotel bed.

"And I especially can't tell Alex."

Rian turned on the bed so he was facing Zack, confusion written all over his face.
"How come?"

Zack looked up from under his eye lashes, a deep blush covering his cheeks.

"Oh Zack, you're kidding!" Rian's eyes went wide as he spoke.

"No..I uhm. I'm attracted to him. Maybe a little more then I should be."

"What do you mean 'more than I should be'?"

"It's not just a...A lust, Rian. It's more then that," Zack choked on his words, tears threatening to spill over, "I-I..."

Rian set his hand on Zack's knee, hoping it would bring some kind of comfort to his friend.
"It's okay Zack, you can tell me."

"I love him Rian." That was it, Zack lost it.
The tears spilled over as Rian pulled his friend into his chest, wrapping his arms around him and feeling the tears soak his shirt.

"It'll be okay Zack, I promise."

Present

Zack's mind replayed those past events before him and he found himself ready to lock himself in the bathroom again.

But right at the moment Zack began to cry, Rian walked into the room.

Realizing what was happening, Rian rushed to his friends side, instantly asking what was wrong.

"Zack?," he asked, nothing but more tears as a response, "Zack, come on, sit up."

Rian gripped his friends shoulders in an attempt to get him to uncurl himself on the bed.

"Zack, what's wrong?" Rian knelt on the ground next to the bed and rubbed Zack's back, much like he'd seen Jack doing for Alex the night before.

Zack couldn't stop crying.
The comfort from Rian only made it worse, and in the back of his mind he knew that he'd start throwing up if he couldn't stop the sobs coming from his throat.

"What the fuck happened when you got up here?"
Rian's words instantly reminded Zack more of what had happened with Alex.

"A-Alex." Zack choked out.

"What did Alex do Z?" He had hoped the nickname would bring the younger man some comfort.

"He, he said," another sob, "He said he l-oved m-me."

Rian had to strain to keep the smile off his face.

"Isn't that a good thing Zacky?" He laughed.

"N-no!," Zack shot up from the bed, instantly beginning to pace around the room, "It's a bad thing Rian, he didn't fucking mean it like I would mean it and we both know that. God dammit I'm in fucking love with him! Love, like you and Kara used to be!"

The sound of Kara's name made Rian cringe slightly, but he let Zack continue his rant none the less.

"He mean't it like a fucking friend! He thanked me for helping him earlier, and said he appreciated me being there for him when everyone else just gave up on him! And I do these things because I love him, and he doesn't know that. And it kills me that I can't fucking tell him because I know he doesn't feel the same way. He's as straight as a fucking pole."

Zack sat down on the floor, his legs stretched in front of him.

It even hurt Rian to see Zack like this. He knew that if he didn't help Zack that they'd have two depressed band members, and Flyzik would freak out even more. And then eventually Jack would get upset about one thing or another, and that would leave Rian alone and sane.

"And you know what else Ri?," Zack asked, looking at his friend.

"What Z?"

"He hugged me. And for any other person, their heart would have swelled with happiness and love, not break into a million pieces like mine has been for the past year."

Zack stood up again, throwing himself on to his bed and clutching his pillow to his chest.
Rian sat on the bed beside him, laying a comforting hand on Zack's back.

Suddenly the door was flung open, and an angry Jack stocked in.

"One of you made Alex upset again, and I wanna know who. Now." Jack pointed a long finger at both men and was shocked to see that Zack, too, was upset.

"What's wrong Zack?"

Zack's bottom lip began to tremble, and he couldn't stop the tears from falling.
He hugged the pillow closer to him and buried his face in it, and let the tears fall on to it silently.

"What's wrong with Alex?" Rian asked, looking at Jack.

"He's uh, in the bathroom with the door locked again. I mean, he's not crying. Which is definitely good. But he wont come out. He doesn't want to talk to me."

Rian looked at the distraught body of Zack next to him and wondered if maybe, he was the one Alex needed to talk to.

"Maybe Zack could help?" Rian said, patting Zack on the back.

Zack took his face out of the pillow, his eyes red and puffy.
"W-what?" he asked, looking from Rian to Jack,

Jack shrugged at Rian, and looked to Zack, "It might work. I mean he talked to you earlier right?"

Zack nodded his head at the slightly older boy and set the pillow in it's place behind him.

"But uhm, can I tell you something first Jack?"

Jack's eyes widened, "Uh, yeah of course man. You can tell me anything."

Zack looked to Rian, giving him an un-sure smile.

"Remember what I told you earlier Z."

"Uhm, I'm gay Jack," He looked down at his hands again, much like he had with Rian a year ago.

And just like back then, Jack sat down beside Zack on the edge of the bed and hugged Zack to his chest.

He could feel Zack smile against his neck.

"I still accept you Zack."

"I know," Zack replied, pushing away from Jack softly, "It's just a big step 'ya know?"

Jack smiled at his friend, "Yeah I know. But how long?"

Zack raised his eyebrows slightly in confusion, but his face straightened out when he understood what Jack was referring to.

"A few years now, about 3."

Jack nodded, a smile on his face.

"Okay, well, can you talk to Alex?" Jack asked him, his voice even and smooth.

Zack frowned, and feeling Rian stare at him like he was didn't help how he was feeling.

"Uhm," Zack realized he couldn't suddenly admit to Jack that he was in love with Alex, so he reluctantly agreed, "Sure."

Opening the hotel room door and stepping into the hall, Zack began to wonder what he got himself into.

He pounded on Alex's door, knowing he wouldn't hear him if he knocked nicely, sensing he was still in the bathroom.

He heard a shuffle on the other side, and Alex suddenly flung the door open.

"What?" He asked harshly, making Zack's eyes widen.

"Uhm, Jack sent me over. To uh, check on you..."

Alex rolled his eyes. "Of course he did."

"I'll leave you alone then." Zack turned to go back to his and Rian's room when he felt a hand grab his forearm, much like Alex had done earlier in the night.

"You can, uhm. You can s-stay. I mean, if you wanna."

Zack couldn't stop a large grin from forming on his lips.

"Okay."

Alex smiled back at him, a big toothy grin, and Zack was starting to see that Alex could be returning to normal.

Alex shut the door behind Zack and continued into the room to where Zack was seated on Jack's bed.

"So why did Jack send you over?" Alex asked him, facing Zack as he lay down on his own hotel bed.

"He said you wouldn't talk to him, so he sent me over instead. Because I found you earlier, he just assumed that you'd talk to me again."

Alex smiled at his abnormally talkative friend.

"He has a point. It's easy talking to you Zack."
Zack blushed, looking around the room; Any where but at Alex.

"Something's bugging you Zee. I can see it." Alex sighed.

"Eh, no. Not really." Zack forced himself to look up at Alex, "I'm okay Lex."

Alex smiled at Zack again, earning a smile back from the bassist.

"If you say so. I won't push it. I owe you that much."

Zack looked at Alex confused. "What do you mean?"

Alex giggled, "For earlier. For not pushing me to talk. You just sat there with me while I made myself look like a dumb ass."

"Nonsense, you definitely didn't look like a dumb ass."

"Oh shut the fuck up. I did so. What grown man crys in an alleyway for fuck sakes?" Alex asked, a smile gracing his lips.

"You do."

Alex laughed, and it was music to Zack's ears.
And not just because of the feelings he had for the singer, but because he hadn't heard Alex genuinely laugh in a while.

"Why have you been so upset lately Alex?"

Alex frowned at him, not too sure if he should say anything.
"I've just. Realized something recently. And it scares me. I don't know what to make of it."

"Well if it makes you feel any better, I was in a situation like that once."

Alex's eyes brightened slightly.
"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah.."

"What is it?" Alex sat up on his bed excitedly.

"Uhm...You have to promise me something first."

"Sure. Anything." Alex smiled at Zack reassuringly.

"Promise me it won't change whatever this is between us?"

"You mean our friendship?" Alex said.

Zack blushed, knowing he himself meant otherwise. "Yeah."

"Okay then. Now tell me, tell me, tell me!" Alex bounced up and down on the bed happily.

"I'm gay."

Alex didn't say anything for a few minutes, and Zack was afraid that Alex would hate him, and that the band would slowly fall apart.

"That's what you were worried about?" Alex asked him suddenly.

Zack had laid down on Jack's bed, waiting Alex's reaction, and Alex speaking made his head shoot up.

"Oh, yeah. I don't know. Rian told me it was stupid."

Alex laughed, "He was right. I really could care less that you're gay."

Zack smiled, and he could feel his heart slowly piecing back together.