The Reason I Breathe Is You

ZACKY'S P.O.V. (Still August 13, 2006)

Brian and I walked out of the door to the pizza place with three large pizzas. As we passed Matt's car, I noticed that Jimmy had indeed passed out in the fifteen minutes we had been inside.

"God, this is going to be a mess," I whispered to Brian as we got into Jimmy's car then followed Matt down the highway.

"I don't even wanna think about it, man," he said.

I leaned over from the passenger seat to turn on the radio when my cell phone went off. It was Ash.

"Hey, where the hell are you guys?" she asked when I answered. "You've been gone for almost three hours. Does it really take that long to order some fucking pizza?"

"Chill out, babe. We're on our way home right now. There was a big-ass wreck on the highway and we got stuck in traffic," I lied.

"Alright," she said.

I blew out the large breath the I had been holding when she accepted my lie.

"Hurry your asses up though, cause us girls are fucking hungry."

I laughed at her, then we said our goodbyes and hung up.

"Everything okay?" Brian asked as he took the exit to our house behind Matt.

"Yeah," I said as I slipped the phone back into my pocket. "She just wondered where we had been, and said that all the girls were fucking starving, and we needed to hurry up and get them the pizza."

He laughed, and the rest of the ride was silent except for the low hum of incomprehensible music coming from the speakers.

Less than five minutes later, we pulled into the apartment parking lot. Brian shut off the car, and I climbed out with the pizzas. We waited by the side of Jimmy's car as we waited for Matt to help a semi-conscious Jimmy out of the passenger seat.

"There's no way we're gonna keep Raine from seeing him," Matt said as we walked up the stairs.

"What else can we do?" Johnny asked. "He's blazed out of his mind still, and the girls are all probably sitting in the living room right next to the door."

"We'll just have to chance it," Matt said.

Johnny took the pizzas from my hand, and him and Brian walked in front of us to try and distract the girls long enough so that we could get Jimmy to Raine's room without anyone noticing.

The pizza immediately distracted the girls' attention, so Matt and I hurried down the hallway to Rain's room and layed him on the bed where he lay motionless.

"Well, that worked," I said.

"What worked?"

I whipped my body around and came face-to-face with my very pissed off girlfriend.

"Almost," Matt whispered from behind me.

ASH'S P.O.V.

"Where the hell are they?" Raegan wondered out loud for what seemed like the fiftieth time.

I had actually started to wonder that myself. We were halfway through our third episode of Law & Order: SVU, and the guys still hadn't come back. My first job was at a pizza joint.....I know it doesn't take three fucking hours to make a few pizzas.

"I don't know, but I'm gonna call them," I said, digging my RIZR out of my purse and dialed Zacky's number. The phone rang three times before he answered.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hey, where the hell are you guys?" I asked. "You've been gone for almost three hours. Does it really take that long to order some fucking pizza?"

"Chill out, babe. We're on our way home right now. There was a big-ass wreck on the highway and we got stuck in traffic," he said.

"Alright," I said, not really sure if I believe him or not. "Hurry your asses up though, cause us girls are fucking hungry."

He laughed at me, then we said our goodbyes and hung up.

"Hey Raegan, turn it to the news real fast," I said as I put my phone back in my purse.

She gave me a puzzled look

"Why?" she questioned.

"I just want to check something." I replied.

She kept giving me perplexed looks, but turned it to the 5:00 news anyways. Luckily, she turned it there right as the traffic report was coming on.

"Traffic is clear everywhere in the Southern California area, or as clear as rush-hour traffic can be, except for an accident that occurred on the corner of 55th and Monument at 4:23 this afternoon, involving two trucks and an SUV. Thankfully, there are no fatalities, or serious injuries to report at this time. Back to you."

It went back to the two news anchors, who immediately switched it over to the weather.

"You can turn it back now," I said to Raegan.

She gave me another weird look, but said nothing as she switched back the channel. Raine and Lainey weren't really noticing much as they stared at a rape victim being interrogated.

I was seething. Monument and 55th is on the complete other fucking side of town. There was no need to go that far for pizza...there's a pizza place less than a block from here!

Why had the guys been gone so long, and why the fuck did Zacky lie to me about it?

I crossed my arms and sat on the couch in silence. I could see Raegan and Raine exchanging puzzled looks across from me.

"Okay, you've got to tell us what the fuck is going on," Raine exclaimed exasperatedly. "You're bugging the hell out of us," she added with a meek laugh.

I gave a sarcastic side smile before I finally uncrossed my arms.

"Zacky said that traffic was backed the fuck up and that's why they were late. Well there's no fucking wreck on the street they're on! Or anywhere near them, for that matter!" I just wanted to punch a wall, as I clenched my fists tightly.

Knuckles that were paper white, Raine scooted a bit away from me, Raegan following her lead. I believe I was scaring them.

"Well they're home," Raegan stood up as the door hit the wall. Brian walked forward and started to preoccupy the two next to me. I was going to go talk to Zacky.

I saw Zacky poke his head around the door out of the corner of my but I pretended to be fixed on the pizza. He was going through enough trouble to try and remain unnoticed by the rest of us, and I wanted to see what he was up to. Then him and Matt dragged a limp Jimmy through the door and back towards the bedrooms. I planned on following.

"I'm gonna head to the bathroom real fast," I said, standing up. "And if I come back and there's no pizza left cause you hogs ate it all, I'm gonna kick someone's ass."

I quietly walked back in the direction that Zacky and Matt had walked, and found them standing over Jimmy, who had passed out on Raine's bed.

"Well, that worked," Zacky said as he smiled slightly.

"What worked?" I said, not being able to help myself.

Zacky turned to face me, and his face went stark white.

"Almost," I heard Matt whisper from behind Zacky.

"H-hey baby," Zacky stammered.

"Don't 'hey baby' me, Zachary Baker," I said as I folded my arms and leaned against the doorway.

"Care to fucking tell me about why the hell you guys were gone so damn long?"

He opened his mouth several times as though to say something, but always closed it immediately afterwards. Then he looked over to Matt.

"Don't look at him, Zacky," I said, walking over to them and sitting on the foot of the bed. "He's not the one that fucking lied to me. Now tell what the fuck is going on!"

"I-it's hard to ex-explain," he kept stammering.

"What the hell is wrong with Jimmy?" I noticed his nearly unconscious body laying on the bed behind me.

"Yeah, about that," Zacky stammered. "Don't tell Raine," he pleaded with me.

I furrowed my eyebrows and then raised one.

"Don't tell Raine what, exactly?"

"That Jimmy is, well," he searched for the words. "Well, coked out," he blurted.

"Say what!?" I jumped off of the bed and looked at him closer.

Yeah, he actually did look like it.

"Don't tell her. Don't let her come in either." he almost begged.

"Whatever," and I stormed out of the room. "Where's my pizza!" I yelled jokingly down the hall as I walked back, Johnny passing me in the opposite direction.

I heard Lainey, Raine, and Raegan laugh as I came in and grabbed what was left of the first box. I sat down on the couch with them.

"So where are the guys now?" Raine asked, her mouth full of pizza, cheese dribbling down her chin.

"In the back, playing video games," I answered.

"Boys will be boys," Lainey laughed as we all nodded and agreed.

But if only they knew the truth.

An hour later, CSI: Las Vegas was now on. A criminal justice marathon, I must say, was on the TV. Matt came walking out of the back, joking with Johnny.

"So what games are you guys playing back there?" Raegan said as she stood up and went and put her paper plate into the trash.

"Uh, Halo 3," Matt quickly answered, and Raegan nodded. She didn't care too much about Halo games.

"Can I play?" I laughed, sadistically to myself, normally to everyone else.

"Nah, we're almost done anyway," Johnny declined my offer and I faked hurt.

"But I want to," I whined. I hoped they knew I was trying to give them a hard time and get them to confess. Those guys were relentless at protecting Raine's boyfriend. I was oddly proud of them, really.

But nonetheless I stood up and went to the refrigerator and grabbed a coke and walked to the back.

"Hey Zack!" I called as I burst through the door. He jumped and nearly had a heart attack. They almost had Jimmy back to his normal state.

"Goddamnit, Ash, you scared the shit out of me," he said, and I chuckled.

"Everyone's getting suspicious. Hurry the fuck up," and I closed the door and went back to the living room.

"God, those boys. Hogging the damn Xbox," and I huffed as I plopped down on the couch.

"Did you really expect them to share?" Lainey laughed and I shook my head no.

"But it was worth a try," I laughed and Raine nudged my shoulder.

"You're something," she muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I looked at her, wide eyed.

"I don't know," she laughed harder and grabbed another slice of pizza out of the second box.

"Hey, leave us some!" Johnny walked over with a plate of his own and grabbed three slices.

"It was the pizza you guys bought for us! Not for yourselves," Raegan took the plate from his hand and he grabbed it back.

"We bought it for everyone, but I thought you guys were exaggerating on the starving comment," he laughed and took a bite as he walked back to the back room. Matt walked behind us and grabbed a slice and held it in his hand as he ate it. He stayed a few minutes to watch CSI with us before grabbing another slice and heading back to Johnny and Jimmy.

"Hey guys."

Alyssa came from the back room. She was bleary eyed and we were all shocked at her appearance.

"Dude I totally forgot you were here!" I exclaimed and she laughed.

"I fell asleep," she said and walked past us to grab one of the last slices of pizza in the second box.

"When did you leave?" Raine looked at her and Alyssa merely shrugged. Raine shrugged after her.

"So where did the guys go?" she asked, and we all laughed. That question had obviously been asked before.

"In the back. Halo 3," Raegan stated and Alyssa smiled and nodded. You could tell she was laughing in her head.

"Well I want my Matty," and there was an outbreak of 'aww's. She grabbed herself two slices of pizza, emptying out the second box, then went to join Matt in the back. I almost ran after her to keep her from the room where four of the five guys were at, but I didn't want to draw attention to what was going on.

Brian noticed that he was the only guy left in the room, and quickly stood up.

"I think I'm gonna go play too," he said a little unconvincingly.

"Now, if Ash can't play, what makes you think they're gonna let you play?" Raegan asked.

"I'll just steal Johnny's controller."

He left the five of us in the living room to watch the rest of the criminal justice marathon that was on the USA channel.

I finished the rest of my fourth slice of pizza and threw the crust into one of the empty boxes. I only eat the crust if it's the stuffed crust.

"I'm stuffed," I said as I leaned back onto the couch.

"Shit, I'm not," Lainey said as she took the first slice from the third box...her fifth slice.

The current episode of Law & Order ended, the third one since the guys had gotten back, and 10 minutes after the next one had started, everyone walked out from the back room. Everyone except Jimmy, that is.

"How was Halo, guys?" I questioned with a smirk.

"Matt kicked our asses, of-fucking-course," Zacky growled from the back of the group. He was playing his part of Not-Letting-Everyone-Know-About-Jimmy to a T.

As if Raine could read the situation, she asked, "Is Jimmy coming?"

"He's uh..." Matt started, looking around at the other guys.

"Dude someone should go wake him up actually," Johnny piped up and Matt let out the breath he was holding, discreetly. "He came in with us when we brought the pizza back, but wasn't feeling good, so he went to lay down."

She seemed to buy Johnny's excuse, and went back to watching the TV. She wasn't concentrating on it, and I could tell. Her eyes were glazed over. She was thinking, probably about earlier today.

There was suddenly a knock on the door.

"I'll get it," Johnny said, cause he was nearest the door.

I looked in the direction of the door, but didn't really like who I saw standing in the doorway.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I said, standing up.

"Ash, just please listen to me..." the person started.

"David, was I not clear the last time we saw each other? And how the hell did you find out where I was?" I now had a hold of the door and the undivided attention of everyone in the room.

"Uh-" he started, but I cut him off.

"Have you been following me?" I was now appalled. Zacky came out of the back with Matt and the now "sober" and awake Jimmy.

"Uh-" David stuttered again.

"Ash, who's this?" Zacky was on-looking behind Johnny who was still standing beside me.

"A stalker ex-boyfriend," I seethed and I looked over to Zacky to see his expression change from curious to furious.

"Don't worry about it. He's leaving," I told Zacky and I started to close the door.

"No I'm not." David held the door so I couldn't close it.

"And why the fuck not!?" I pulled the door back.

"I want you back Ash. I don't like you hanging with these guys, and I want to make up what I did to you," the boy had this desperate look in his eye.

"Dude, she's with me now. Get lost." Zacky took the door from my hand and started to close the door like I did, but with more strength than I had.

"Ash, is he for real?" David put more strength and determination into trying to talk to me. Zacky and I huffed at the same time, demonstrating our frustration in all of this.

"Yes, now you heard him! Beat it!" I rolled my eyes and let Zacky close the door.

"No. This loser doesn't deserve you and I want you back now!"

"Oh! And you do!?" I started to yell. "It wasn't me who was in bed with some bimbo when I came back to what used to be our house!" and I felt the color rush into my cheeks.

"Look, I'm sorry. I made a mistake."

"Like hell you did!" and I helped Zacky push the door shut, but he stepped inside at last minute so we ended up slamming the door with him inside.

"Ash, fucking listen to me," David started to plead with me and the nine other on-lookers. It was like a TV show to all of them. Even Jimmy was fully attentive.

"What is there to listen to David? Why won't you leave me the hell alone? Zacky's doing a lot better job with our relationship than you ever did with ours," and David looked between me and Zacky standing next to me.

"You don't deserve her," David hissed at him.

"Yeah, I think I do. More than you obviously do," Zacky retorted.

"You little dipshit." David drew his clenched fist back. I didn't even realize he had them clenched this whole time.

I pushed Zacky out of the way, and David punched the air, nearly falling over.

"Okay, get out," Matt stepped in, grabbing David by the collar.

David put up a fight with Matt, who just wasn't having it.

Kicking Matt in the leg only aggravated him more and Matt let go of David's collar. David took that to be the time to fix it. Matt only kneed him in the groin and punched him in the nose before Zacky stepped past the whole scene and opened the door to let Matt dump him into the hall.

"Okay, so that was interesting," Raine broke the silence after all of this was said and done. We all laughed hesitantly.

"So are we going to let this pizza go to waste or what?" Jimmy said groggily and walked to the last box we had left.

That made us laugh harder, only half of us knowing that Jimmy was getting a severe case of the munchies, and the guys went to finish off the box.

"Jesus Christ! You girls left nothing!" Brian exclaimed as he took two slices into his big hands. We all laughed at him.

"We told you we were starving," Alyssa said.

I was still replaying what happened, hoping that I could just forget it like everyone else seemed to have.

Though I should know better that they haven't.

It's not really an incident that you just get up and walk away from, nor forget just as easily.

"You okay babe?" Zacky came up behind me as I was sitting on the couch. He started to rub my shoulders.

"Ow, stop," he had put too much pressure on me shoulders.

"Sorry," he mumbled and dropped his hands, letting them slide down to my boobs.

"Zacky stop!" I laughed and pushed his hands up and he laughed and leaned down to put his head on mine.

"Was he seriously a stalker ex-boyfriend or did we just assault some stranger who knew you?" I could hear the joking tone in his voice.

"Yeah, that was the ex I had before you and me got together. How else would he have found me if he wasn't stalking me?"

"True," Zacky stated before standing back upright. He moved around the couch and plopped down on the empty spot next to me, causing both me and Raine to slightly involuntarily jump in our seats. We both chuckled, Zacky laughing at the two of us.

He slipped his arm around my shoulder and just sat with us on the couch. I was staring at the TV screen but not really watching it. I don't know if Raine and him were doing the same.

"I have to go to the bathroom, for real." I stood up and went to the bathroom.

Instead of actually doing the business, I locked myself inside and started to cry.

RAINE'S P.O.V.

"I hope she's gonna be okay," I whispered in Lainey's ear.

"I don't know," Lainey whispered back. "I've never seen her like this before, personally."

"I'll go talk to her," I said as no one else made any attempts to follow her. Of course, they all thought she was just going to the bathroom.

I went back to the bathroom where she said she was headed and tried to open the door, only to find out it was locked.

"Ash, open the fucking door," I said.

I heard a sniffle from the other side, but she said nothing, and made no attempt to open the door for me.

"Ash, come on!" I pleaded.

I pounded on the door a few times, but I could tell that there was just no way she was going to open the door any time soon.

I sighed in frustration as I stopped pounding on the door but layed my head against the door, slightly banging it. I really didn't know what to do. She's locked the door before when she's been upset, but she's always opened it for me in the end.

"Ash, I can't help talk you through this if you don't open the door and let me talk to you," I said through the door cracks.

"Just go away," she sobbed from the other side of the door.

I knew she didn't mean it the way I was taking it, but that doesn't mean it didn't sting a little when she said it. It's just the way she is sometimes. Sometimes she wants to talk about things right away, and sometimes she wants to spend a little time to herself before she talks about her problems. This was one of those latter times, I guess.

I pushed myself away from the door and made my way towards my room to change my shirt, since I had gotten pizza sauce and grease on it. I picked up Jimmy's jacket as I stepped over it on my way to my closet, and a rolled up $1 bill fell out of it.

"Why the fuck did he have a rolled up $1 bill in his pocket?" I asked myself with a laugh.

I couldn't think of any other reason for the rolled up $1 bill, other than the fact that he's a nerd sometimes. What other reason would there be?

I layed his jacket on my bed and walked to my closet, then changed into a clean shirt. On my way back through my room, I saw a credit card of Jimmy's on the floor. I guess it had fallen out of the pocket when I picked up his jacket earlier.

After I threw it on top of his jacket, I noticed some white dust had come off it and onto my fingers. I guess all the dust had rubbed off on my fingers, because when I looked at the card again, there wasn't any more.

I just shrugged and wiped my hand on my jeans. I just assumed that it was gravel dust from the parking lot outside. I went back out into the living room where everyone other than Ash and Zacky were sitting. Someone had brought the X-Box out from my room because Brian and Matt were playing another game of Halo 3, and a disgruntled Jimmy was thumb-wrestling Johnny for the last piece of pizza.

"Because that's not an unfair match or anything," I snickered.

"Even your girl thinks it's unfair!" Johnny complained.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed a large knife, then proceeded to cut the piece straight down the middle.

"Now quit your bitching."

I laughed at the looks on their faces, but they shrugged it off and inhaled their pieces of pizza in no time.

"You okay, babe?" I asked Jimmy. "You don't look too good."

I didn't notice the nervous looks that Brian and Matt gave each other as Jimmy replied.

"Yeah, babe. I'm fine. Just tired I guess."

"You must be," I said. "Your eyes are completely bloodshot."

He nodded and turned his attention back to the game that was going on.

"Oh, and I cleaned the gravel dust off your credit card too."

Matt and Brian dropped their controllers and Jimmy spluttered on the beer he was drinking.

"Th-thanks," he stammered. "I, uh...dropped it in the parking lot."

That's exactly what I thought it had been, as there was indeed a gravel parking lot for this apartment complex, but why was he stammering and getting so nervous?

"Why are you so nervous?" I laughed and the guys started to nervously chuckle. "Jimmy what the hell is going on?" I was now stern. The guys were acting weird.

"I'm gonna go check on Ash." Zacky stood up.

"Sit down." I walked around and pushed him back onto the couch.

"Raine, it was just dirt. Why are you getting all pissed off?" Jimmy shook the nervousness he had before.

"Well all five of you guys are acting like it was some drug." I poked his shoulder. Very hard. But the guys didn't say anything. Jimmy only shrugged and shook his head.

"Right." I snapped. "For all I know, it could've been coke!" and I turned on my heel and walked down the hall into the bedroom they took Jimmy in while ago. I was fuming with anger because it felt like I was being blantantly lied to and no one was going to confess.

Jimmy's coat was still in the room, so I started to look through the other pockets, finding the rolled up bill again and the once "dusty" credit card. I was starting to think that wasn't gravel dust.

Searching in one of the inside pockets, I found what I had been looking for, but was afraid to find.

The cocaine.

I clenched it tightly into my fist and stomped down the hall. I could hear them whispering about me coming and they knew it wasn't going to be good.

"Really Jimmy, do you think this will solve your problems?" I chucked the bag of coke at him, all of it coming out of the bag and covering his lap, as well as the other guys' laps, and I walked out of the apartment.

Jimmy had stood up from the couch and had called my name once before the door slammed shut behind me. The tears were stinging behind my eyes but I didn't want to cry out in the open.

I ignored our car and started to walk to wherever was the farthest away, but the safest too.

"Raine!" Lainey ran out, Raegan behind her, and they caught up with me. I had been walking fast, my arms crossed and hugging myself.

"Did you know!?" I stopped and shouted at Raegan. She looked confused, almost sad and guilty. "Did you!?"

"Yes! I did. But I thought he stopped." she confessed and Lainey could only stare between the two of us.

"What about Ash?" Lainey asked as I started to walk again, and I saw a park out in the distance, about four blocks away.

"She can take care of herself. Her boyfriend wasn't the one snorting coke behind her back." I seethed and Lainey kept quiet. Raegan hadn't said anything ever since I called her out as well.

"Let's go back. He's going to go looking for you whether you want him to or not. He cares about you Raine." Raegan grabbed my elbow, stopping me momentarily before I yanked it away and kept walking.

"I'm not going back. Fuck New York, fuck his drug addictions, fuck him, and he can go back to fucking Leana. I'm through." The tears now started to fall and Lainey wrapped me into a big hug so no one would see me crying.

"Raine, I told you. He's going to come looking for you, and he's not going to give up on you that easily. Let's go back." Raegan put her hand on my shoulder. I shook my head no.

Raegan sighed and looked at where we were at.

"Lainey?" she almost pleaded.

"Raine let's go." Lainey started to walk back to the house with me still in her arms. I was just too fucking tired to fight anymore.

Walking back through the door, Jimmy's voice was the first I heard. He was the first to say anything, and it was this relieved, "Raine."

I wiped the tears from my eyes and hoped like hell that my eyes weren't too bloodshot and I pulled away from Lainey.

"Raine, look. I'm so sorry." Jimmy started to walk towards me, his arms outstretched to welcome me in a hug.

"Save it." I snapped and walked past him and into the room all of it started in. Ash was sitting there, Zacky next to her. They weren't doing anything bad, but it looked like Ash had been waiting for me.

"Hey Ash." I mumbled and Zacky stood up and walked out.

"Hey Raine." she stood up and walked up to me. She just enveloped me into a big bear hug and I fell to pieces in her arms. I cried harder than I did in Lainey's arms, and speaking of, Lainey walked in shortly, closing the door behind her.

"Alyssa and the guys cleaning up?" Ash asked Lainey and there was no response. I guess there was a head gesture of some sort. My crying started to calm.

"If it makes you feel better, Zacky does it too." Ash laughed and I couldn't stifle the small giggle that escaped.

"Well that defeated the purpose of saying that your boyfriend was better than mine." I choked on my tears and smile.

"You're telling me!" we laughed at Ash. "If anything, Jimmy took what was left of Zacky's after your fight and before that he hadn't snorted in a while. Because of you dumbass." Ash laughed and punched me in the shoulder, pushing me away from her.

"Well I'm guessing since Zacky and Jimmy do it, Brian does too." Lainey almost wanted to slap herself for starting to like Brian.

"Actually I don't know." Ash laughed and I sat down onto the bed.

"So I shouldn't stay with him... Should I?" I questioned my two best friends, as well as myself.

"I'm keeping Zacky." was all Ash said, and I couldn't help but laugh. Other than the cocaine, Jimmy was what I wanted. Who I wanted.

"Well, I guess I'm stuck with a cokehead." I chuckled and it made Ash and Lainey laugh harder than I even was.

"Yeah, I guess so." Lainey retorted and dodged the punch I was going to leave on her arm.