Status: Completed
Best Kept Secret
Let Down
I was completely nervous the following day, and I had no idea why. It was just Matt. It was just a meal or a coffee between friends, so why was I running around the house trying to decide on what to wear? He wouldn't care what I was wearing. I'd dressed up before for him, wondering if he'd comment or say anything but he never had done.
He knew I had a crush on him. Everybody knew that. It was obvious. I only wished he knew just how deep this ‘crush' went. He never seemed to notice that I was always trying to impress him. Or maybe he did, and he just wanted to save me the embarrassment by not saying anything.
After what felt like an entire day in itself, I finished rummaging around in my closet, opting for a smart/casual outfit. I didn't want to look like I'd gone through too much effort, only to end up grabbing a coffee at Starbucks... but I didn't want to under-dress and end up in some fancy restaurant. Though, the chances of Matt taking ME to a fancy restaurant were pretty slim. We'd probably end up just grabbing a pizza instead.
It didn't really matter to me where we went. The main thing was I was getting to spend some time with one of my best friends; with the man I loved. He could have taken me down to the sewers and I'd have still been happy because I'd be with him.
He hadn't called yet, but I wasn't too worried; it was still early. I'd been up since the break of dawn, barely able to sleep through the excitement of getting to spend an entire day alone with him. Even if it wasn't anything to him, it would feel like some kind of date in my love-sick mind.
I checked myself in the mirror after applying my make-up. I wanted it to be perfect. In some part of my mind, I wanted him to notice me more today than ever. I smiled at my reflection, happy with the colors I'd chosen and then my phone buzzed from the table. The butterflies were back as soon as I saw who the message was from. Beaming a smile, I opened it.
"Sorry sweetie gonna have to cancel. Something came up, I'll call you later."
I froze, and I was almost positive my heart had stopped beating. I should have expected it, really. He was a busy guy, understandably, and things often came up at the last minute. The whole idea of spending a day alone with him was too good to be true, and I should have known.
That still didn't stop the tears from flooding my eyes, though. I slumped down onto the couch, clutching the phone between my hands as my body started shaking with sobs I was unable to control. I couldn't describe the way I was feeling. Upset was an understatement, and anger crept into it somewhere. Taking a deep breath, I pressed the button to reply. He had to know.
"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep, Matt. You do it all the time and it hurts. You've no idea how much I love you and how many times you've broken me. You rip my heart out and stamp on it without even knowing. Don't lie to me anymore. Don't tell me you'll do something and then don't. I can't take it. I love you with everything I have, and I always have done. You're going to be the death of me."
My thumb hovered over the send button shakily...
...and then it moved to the little red "C" and I erased the whole thing. I'd suffered for five long years feeling like this, I wasn't going to end it now. I couldn't lose him as a friend. No matter how much it hurt to be around him, I knew it would hurt even more to be without him.
"No worries. Some other time."
That was all I sent back before tossing the phone beside me and letting out a long sigh. Meeting and getting to know Matt was both the best and worst thing I'd ever done. I set myself up for heartbreak, but I couldn't imagine my life without him. My love for Matthew Sanders was my best kept secret, and that was how it had to stay.
He knew I had a crush on him. Everybody knew that. It was obvious. I only wished he knew just how deep this ‘crush' went. He never seemed to notice that I was always trying to impress him. Or maybe he did, and he just wanted to save me the embarrassment by not saying anything.
After what felt like an entire day in itself, I finished rummaging around in my closet, opting for a smart/casual outfit. I didn't want to look like I'd gone through too much effort, only to end up grabbing a coffee at Starbucks... but I didn't want to under-dress and end up in some fancy restaurant. Though, the chances of Matt taking ME to a fancy restaurant were pretty slim. We'd probably end up just grabbing a pizza instead.
It didn't really matter to me where we went. The main thing was I was getting to spend some time with one of my best friends; with the man I loved. He could have taken me down to the sewers and I'd have still been happy because I'd be with him.
He hadn't called yet, but I wasn't too worried; it was still early. I'd been up since the break of dawn, barely able to sleep through the excitement of getting to spend an entire day alone with him. Even if it wasn't anything to him, it would feel like some kind of date in my love-sick mind.
I checked myself in the mirror after applying my make-up. I wanted it to be perfect. In some part of my mind, I wanted him to notice me more today than ever. I smiled at my reflection, happy with the colors I'd chosen and then my phone buzzed from the table. The butterflies were back as soon as I saw who the message was from. Beaming a smile, I opened it.
"Sorry sweetie gonna have to cancel. Something came up, I'll call you later."
I froze, and I was almost positive my heart had stopped beating. I should have expected it, really. He was a busy guy, understandably, and things often came up at the last minute. The whole idea of spending a day alone with him was too good to be true, and I should have known.
That still didn't stop the tears from flooding my eyes, though. I slumped down onto the couch, clutching the phone between my hands as my body started shaking with sobs I was unable to control. I couldn't describe the way I was feeling. Upset was an understatement, and anger crept into it somewhere. Taking a deep breath, I pressed the button to reply. He had to know.
"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep, Matt. You do it all the time and it hurts. You've no idea how much I love you and how many times you've broken me. You rip my heart out and stamp on it without even knowing. Don't lie to me anymore. Don't tell me you'll do something and then don't. I can't take it. I love you with everything I have, and I always have done. You're going to be the death of me."
My thumb hovered over the send button shakily...
...and then it moved to the little red "C" and I erased the whole thing. I'd suffered for five long years feeling like this, I wasn't going to end it now. I couldn't lose him as a friend. No matter how much it hurt to be around him, I knew it would hurt even more to be without him.
"No worries. Some other time."
That was all I sent back before tossing the phone beside me and letting out a long sigh. Meeting and getting to know Matt was both the best and worst thing I'd ever done. I set myself up for heartbreak, but I couldn't imagine my life without him. My love for Matthew Sanders was my best kept secret, and that was how it had to stay.
♠ ♠ ♠
Comments? :)