Silent Suicide

So, this is what my life had come to. I'd been on this earth for a short twenty-one years. Is it even possible to royally fuck up this much in such a short period of time? Apparently, it was very possible. I'd managed to ruin not only my own life, but other lives too. People I cared about, people I loved. I've put them through hell. My room is dark, silent. I've never sat in such a loud silence before. I could hear my heart beat, the sound of my own breathing. What are you supposed to feel at a time like this? I never really thought much about dieing until very recently.

Honestly, I used to think I was invincible. That's how I started my heroin habit. I was invincible, I couldn't get addicted. I wouldn't let a drug control my life and throw away my college scholarship for basketball. No, that couldn't happen to me. I didn't even realize that it did happen to me, until it was way to late. I was hooked on one of the most deadly and addicting drugs I could think of. I wish I never went to that party that night. I should have went home for the holidays like all the other college kids were doing. I should have went and been with my family like I was supposed to. My mother called me crying because I missed Christmas and didn't even call.

I kept promising her I'd come home soon. I was just having to much fun with my new found highs. I'd smoked weed before, I'd drank before; but those highs weren't anything like this. I can't explain to you what it felt like, but if you knew how it felt; you'd understand why I couldn't stop. That first time was a real kicker, but every time just seemed to get better and better. Once I started doing it, I realized a lot of people did it. My friends. That made it seem even more okay, it made it seem normal. It wasn't normal, I should have known that. Some mistakes, like this one; are just irreversible.

My parents came up yesterday, since I just wouldn't return their phone calls or come visit. They thought they'd did something to piss me off. No mom and dad, I just didn't want you to see me like this. Of course they brought Mindy, my kid sister. I loved that little brat with all my heart. I taught her every game I knew when I lived back home. She wasn't such a kid anymore, though. She was sixteen now, and I remember last time I went home; she told me about her first boyfriend.

When I opened my dorm door and saw them standing there, I almost died right there. I knew what I looked like, and I knew there was no hiding my little problem. My mother screamed in terror while my father just shook his head in sadness. What crushed me the most was my sister. She just stared at me like she'd never seen me before. The little girl who I'd taught to ride a bike. They didn't stick around long, only long enough for my mother to throw her arms around me and sob into my neck. My father told me he was disgusted by me, and ashamed that I didn't call them for help.

My sister was the last one to leave the room, and standing there alone with her made me realize the extent of what I had done. "I'm sorry," was all I could say to her. And I really was. She looked up at me then, looked me right in the eyes. The hurt I saw in her pretty eyes was to much to handle. "Me too Mike, me too." That was all she said, and then she turned and followed my parents down the stairs. I stood there, at the door for I don't even know how many minutes. Maybe it was hours, because my room mate came strolling in, a girl under his arm. "Hey man, I brought the good stuff." He was the one who turned me onto it in the first place. The girl, him, and I sat around shooting up; then the three of us fucked.

I woke up today, and I knew that there was no way out. This was it. I did a lot of things wrong, but I was going to do this right. I picked up the gun and put it to my head in one fluent motion. I didn't think, and I didn't hesitate.
After all, “A weak man has doubts before a decision. A strong man has them afterwards.”