Our Last Goodbye Is Our Future Hello

“Passengers, please fasten your seat belts, restore your seats in the upright position, and prepare for takeoff.”

There was no turning back now.

I clicked my seat belt, feeling my breath come more quickly with every passing second.

The stewardess made her way down the aisle of the plane, checking to make sure everyone was securely tucked into the uncomfortable, ugly airplane seats.

She passed by me and paused. “Is everything all right, ma’am?”

No, I thought. I’m in love with someone who hates me; who thinks I’m a whore, a slut, a fuck up. I’m running away from my problems, I’m losing everything I’ve got, I want to get off of this plane. Let me go, let me run...

“Oh, yeah,” I said. “I’m just afraid of plane rides.”

She smiled, giving my hand a pat. “It’ll be just fine. We’ll be in California in no time at all.”

I swallowed, nodding. I wasn’t scared of plane rides – I was scared of getting there. What would my parents think of me? Hunter’s parents? Would I see Hunter?

I was more than scared, actually. I was terrified.

“Please turn off all MP3 players, iPods, cell phones, and electronic devices during takeoff,” the voice said over the intercom.

The same stewardess started back down the aisle.

“Excuse me,” I gasped as she passed, grabbing her arm.

She looked down at me in surprise. “Yes? Are you okay? It will be fine, really...”

“Can I listen to my music? Please?”

Her eyes softened. “I’m sorry, but no, it’s – ”

“Please,” I gasped. “It’s the only thing that will get me through this.”

She searched for words, and finally nodded. She must’ve seen the look in my eyes, the way I gripped her wrist so tightly. “As a rule, it’s illegal. So just...keep it quiet, all right?”

“Thank you,” I said.

To my own surprise, there were already tears in my eyes, blurring my vision to no end.

They were tears of regret, tears of woe, tears of despair and desire; tears that cascaded down my cheeks and dripped down my chin, onto the screen of my iPod as I pressed play.

Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye,
It will be for the last time and it’s not right,
“Don’t let yourself get in over your head, he said,
Alone and far from home we’ll find you...

Of course the song that played was a song of saying goodbye...not only for tonight, for today, but forever.

_____________________

Six and a half hours later, the plane landed. I gathered my carry-on luggage, my iPod still playing, and walked off the plane, my footsteps heavy with dread.

“Enjoy your stay in California,” the same stewardess said, giving me a reassuring smile.

“I’m not planning to stay long,” I murmured, taking my first steps off the plane.

A taxi took me home.

With every street we passed, every familiar house I saw, my pulse pounded faster.

There’s the park that I ran away to when I was fourteen...and then I called Zach and he listened to me rant about my ‘unfair life’...

Stop, don’t think about him, don’t think that name, don’t think about those eyes...

But his words were already repeating themselves in my mind, all the insults he had ever thrown at me.

“Can you turn on the radio?” I said to the driver, leaning forward in the backseat.

He sent me an odd look in the rearview mirror. I would have turned on my iPod, but it had died a few minutes ago. I needed music, noise, a distraction.

Something to stop me from thinking about him.

“Never mind,” I said. “Never mind. Do you mind if I sing?”

I didn’t care if he thought I was insane. Without waiting for an answer, I started to sing out loud, different verses to different songs.

“Dead, like a candle you burned out, spill the wax over the spaces left in place of angry words...scream, to be heard, like you needed any more attention, throw the bottle, break the door, and disappear...we’re all looking for someone, to take away the pain...me, you, and my medication, love is just another chemical creation...”

By the time I had gone through three different hooks, choruses, and verses of different songs, we were at my house.

“Thank you,” I said, and threw the driver forty bucks.

I got my luggage out, squeezed my eyes shut, and rang the doorbell.

My mother answered, fine lines around her eyes, dressed in fleece pajamas. It was nearly midnight...

She blinked for a moment, before letting out a joyful cry and wrapping her arms around me in a hug. “Whitney.”

“Mom,” I said into her shoulder, my words muffled. She still smelled like cake batter, the same as always. “Mommy.”

“Whitney, we’ve missed you so much, you didn’t even check in with us...”

In a second, I was sobbing. I was on the cold stone of my porch, sobbing, my arms wrapped around myself. Letting it all out.

“Whitney? Whitney, baby, what’s wrong?”

“We broke up, Mom,” I said. “We broke up.”

“Who?”

“Me and Hunter,” I cried. “I cheated on him.”

My mother stared at me in astounded horror, and then turned as we heard footsteps.

It was my father. His eyes lit up when he saw me, and he failed to notice my tear-streaked face.

“Whitney!” he said, excited. “Welcome home.”