I Am a Tragedy

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes...

It was nothing I have felt before. Actually, I’ve felt it many of times and I sickly enjoyed it. The awful pulsation in my temple and the feeling of not being in control while not caring one freaking bit. It hurt, like nothing I’ve ever experienced before but it brought me satisfaction and that’s all that mattered now.

‘Just promise me this one thing, Alex.” Jasey offered with a twinkle in her eye.
‘And what would that be?”

‘Love me always, because you know you’ll always be in my heart.’
With that, we kissed and I felt like nothing could bring me down from this amazing high.

I gripped the lukewarm bottle in my hand tightly as I sat on the front steps of my apartment building.

A cold night in North Carolina was nothing new. A pillar of toxic smoke rose above my head and disappeared almost in an instant as the soft winds blew it away. I smoothed my dark brown messy hair out of my eyes with my calloused fingers and pressed my thin lips once again to the end of the cigarette. A sweet fire burned the back of my throat as I exhaled. With another swig of the toxic liquid I instantly was overcome with dizziness and I let my head fall back onto the brick wall.

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself every night you can’t find her, Alex.”
The voice of my best friend Jack startled me and my eyes shot open and I glanced in his direction. He was hovering over me with a concerned look on his face.

“You...don’t...knowwhat..is going on...imjustfine.” My worlds slurred together lazily and Jack raised his eyebrows.

“Oh yeah? Let’s get you inside.” He lifted me up onto my feet by my arms and I doubled over from the pain.

“I..havetofind...Jasey.”

Jack sighed and put one of my arms around his shoulders. “Well, I really don’t think you will find her like this.”

After lugging me inside my apartment Jack poured me a cup of coffee. I began sobering up with each sip I took and all of the memories flooded back to me. I placed my head in my hands to stall the dizziness and I closed my eyes as I remembered her face, the way her eyes brightened when I walked into the room. Her arms rested lazily around my shoulders at our prom while her head was snuggled in the crook of my neck.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out and flipped it open. I noticed Jack’s name was written on the screen, “Hello?”

“Alex, dude, Jasey is gone!” His voice was frantic and the connection kept going in and out like he was driving.

“Wha-what do you mean she is gone?” I ran my fingers through my hair stressfully and slipped on a pair of Keds.

“All of her stuff is missing from her apartment and all she left was a note.”

I ran out the door to my apartment and groaned. “Just meet me at the park and bring the note.”

Jack sniffled on the other line and I jumped into my truck. “Dude, relax. We are going to find her.”

I hung up and threw my phone into the passengers seat. “I hope to God we find her.”

I set the coffee cup onto the kitchen table and rubbed my face roughly.

“I just can’t let her go.” My voice had a vulnerability to it and Jack glanced up at me from across the table. He nodded knowingly while taking a sip of his own cup of coffee.

“Yeah but you can’t keep doing this, Alex. You are going to end up getting yourself killed and you know Jasey wouldn’t-“ Jack stopped himself before he could finish his sentence and sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, dude.”

I nodded solemnly. “I know, she’s been gone for what...two weeks now. I don’t think she is coming back.”

Alex,

I’ve loved you from the very start and you’ve been here for me ever since. You were my everything, you always knew when to say and do the right things. I know this may come as a shock to you but I’m leaving. I’ve done something so wrong and I can’t seem to face you anymore. Every time I would see your face or read your name on my phone I would just break down and cry. I can’t stay here anymore, I don’t know where I’m going to go but please don’t try to find me.
I will love you forever, please forgive me.
Yours, Jasey.
My hands shook as I read her words and I sucked back tears that were threatening to escape my eyes.

“Where do you think she could be?” My voice broke and I fell back onto the bench defeated. I let my head rest in my hands as I breathed in a deep sigh.

Jack sat next to me and took the note from my hands. “I don’t know, Alex. I really don’t know.”

As I stared at Jack now, I noticed there was something he was hiding, it was written in his eyes. I could always read Jack like an open book, I knew everything about him by just looking at him.

“What are you not telling me, Jack?” My voice was stern as I stared him down, hoping he would end up cracking.

“I just-I just know that you will never find her, Alex.” He paused and gave me a sympathetic look. “Give up, already.”

I just sat there after he had left replaying his world over and over again in my head.

Give up already.

I pushed myself up from the table and made my way upstairs and into my bedroom. I flipped on the light and reached over my bed for the picture on my night stand. I smiled down at the picture of me and Jasey after the state fair one hot July evening. She had a big smile on her face and she was holding up the stuffed pig I had won for her at one of the carnival games. I was just staring at her, totally in awe at how beautiful she was that night.

I folded the memory and shoved it in my pocket with the note. I grabbed the dirty baseball from off of my dresser and made my way down the stairs and out into the bitter night.
I ran down the street to the baseball fields where my school played tournaments and sighed remembering the memories this field held.

I watched as Jack smacked the ball with his bat and it soared through the air and over the fence. He threw his hands up in victory and made his way around the bases while the other team just watched him dumbfounded. The crowd was on their feet screaming and yelling as Jack’s feet pounded against the freshly cut grass, dirt clouding up behind him. I clapped as he tapped home plate with his foot and he smiled up at me victoriously.

A couple girls next to me as Jack walked up to the fence. I met him there and laughed as the girls began to whisper behind my back excitedly.

“I think you’re a big hit, Jack. No pun intended.” I chuckled at my own joke and Jack rolled his eyes.

“Actually I think they are giggling because of you my friend.” Jack glanced over my shoulder and cracked a small smile.

I turned around and my eyes landed on the brunette sitting in between two blondes. Her eyes met mine and she smiled shyly while her friends began to whisper once again.

“You really think so?”

Jack nodded and took along well deserved drink of his water. “Diffidently, why don’t you go and talk to her?”

I glanced back at the brunette who was now conversing to the couple behind her and I shook my head. “I don’t think so, but hey she’s cute why don’t you talk to her big boy?”

Jack mocked my face and laughed. “You’re pathetic, young Alex.”

One of Jack’s teammates threw him the winning baseball and he smiled. “I have an idea.” He tossed me the ball over the fence and it landed safely in my hands.

“What do you want me to do with this?” I glanced quizzically at the dirty ball and then back up at Jack.

“Go give it to her, dude.” He wiggled his eyebrows and disappeared into the dugout.

That was the beginning of an amazing relationship, or so I thought.

I gripped the ball tightly in my hands and then chucked it into the black. Tears leaked down my face as I pulled out the picture along with the note. I ripped them both up to shreds and let the pieces fall to the ground like snow. All of those memories I had been kept bottle up inside, torturing me night after night were now free from my mind. It was like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I could finally breathe again.

I kicked the ground softly and then turned back towards my house.

This was my way of letting her go. I was finally letting Jasey go.