Weak, But Not Defeated

Maddie studied herself in the mirror. She wore a skin tight black dress with black tights underneath and black heels. Her hair was curled and her make-up accented her eyes. She took one last look as she dabbed some lip-gloss on. As she shut the light off in her room she studied the stack of envelopes on her desk.

She had spent the past few days digging up every letter she could find from John. She hadn’t read all of them yet, and he hadn’t started sending them again just yet. She expected one to be in her mailbox soon.

Maddie made it to Garrett’s by eight-thirty. His house was quickly filling with kids ready to celebrate the New Year. She opened the door and met John’s eyes instantly. He was standing with Kennedy and Pat as they were engrossed in conversation. She walked towards them sheepishly, their stares making her uncomfortable.

“Holy sh-” John began to say under his breath but Maddie’s greeting interrupted him.

“Hey guys,” she smiled sweetly and John looked her body up and down.

“Hey, Madds,” Pat hugged her when he snapped out of the thoughts he was thinking.

“Want a drink?” Kennedy asked; fighting the urge to just stare at her like John was.

“No thanks, I’m not drinking tonight,” she said, glancing at John who was still awestruck at how amazing she looked.

“Neither am I,” Kennedy smiled, “I’ll get you a soda.” He cleared his throat and looked at Pat.

“Oh, um, yeah, I’ll… help,” he said quickly before walking away with Kennedy.

Maddie laughed to herself, knowing what they were doing. She took a step towards John, “Hi,” she said.

John took a sip from the cup in his hand, “You look good,” he said, not looking at her.

Maddie nodded, “Thanks,” she said, disappointed that he seemed uninterested.

“Who am I kidding? You look amazing tonight, Maddie,” He sighed as his thoughts defeated his better judgment.

Maddie smiled, “Thanks, John,” she blushed.

“So, I heard you’re getting set up with some guys tonight,” John said.

Maddie rolled her eyes, “That’s not going to happen.”

“Why not?” He asked while he took another drink.

“I kind of have my eye on someone else,” she said quietly.

John lifted his gaze to her, “I should go find Courtney.”

Maddie nodded uncomfortably, “You probably should.”

John looked up her body once again and Maddie could tell he was fighting the urge to walk away from him. He sighed as he made his decision to find Courtney.

Maddie peered over the heads of the people at the party, mostly consisting of this year’s senior class and last year’s graduating class.

She found Garrett dancing with a small blond she knew from her nutrition class she took sophomore year. She had a reputation of being a slut, but Garrett had a reputation of hooking up with not the classiest of girls, so it didn’t really matter.

“Here’s your drink,” Kennedy handed a cup to her. Maddie lifted it to her nose and inhaled, “I didn’t spike it, geez,” he laughed.

Maddie smiled and took a drink of the soda, “Looks like Garrett found his next victim,” Maddie motioned to the two dancing.

Kennedy laughed, “Jealous?”

Maddie shrugged and lifted her cup to her lips, “He was supposed to be my date,” she murmured.

Kennedy slung his arm over her shoulder, “Looks like we’re both dateless, then.”

Maddie laughed, “Get your arm off me, Brock. You’re cramping my style,” she teased.

Kennedy moved away from her with a smile on his lips, “I forgot you’re too cool for me.”

Maddie nodded her head, “Duh.”

Kennedy laughed and looked out into the backyard. He turned to Maddie and held out his hand, “Want to go outside?”

“It’s cold,” Maddie said.

“I’ll give you my jacket,” he smiled sweetly. “We can dip our feet in the Jacuzzi!”

Maddie reluctantly placed her hand in his as he led her out the French doors to the nearly empty backyard. As she turned to shut the door behind her she caught John’s eye through the glass. He stared at she and Kennedy as Courtney filled his ears with sweet thoughts. Her words went in one ear and out the other as his mind started traveling nervously down one-track: jealousy.

Kennedy kicked off his shoes, discarded his socks, and rolled up his dark blue skinny jeans to his knees. He took off his black jacket and draped it over Maddie’s small shoulders as she put her feet in the warmed Jacuzzi.

“So,” Kennedy started, “What’s your resolution this year?”

Maddie looked up from the bubbling water and met his eyes, “Hm, I haven’t really thought about it. You tell me yours while I think of mine.”

“Well,” Kennedy rested his palms on the ground behind him and leaned back, “I’m going to be more honest, and less selfish.”

Maddie smiled, “I think that’s a very good idea for you.”

“Me too,” he smiled.

They sat in silence for another minute before Maddie spoke, “I think I want to put my life back together.”

Kennedy looked at her, confused, “What do you mean?”

Maddie struggled to transform her thoughts into words, “I want to have a life that’s not only focused on my stupid broken heart. I want to be a normal eighteen year old, you know?”

“When did you stop being a normal eighteen year old?” he asked.

Maddie looked at her reflection in the sparkling water, “The night I turned eighteen,” she mumbled.

Kennedy took a deep breath, knowing exactly what part of that night she was talking about, “There are a lot of things I want to change in this world, but if I only had one chance, I would change the way I took that away from you.”

“It’s not your fault,” she said quietly.

“It’s completely my fault, Maddie. I can’t even believe you’ve forgiven me,” he said.

Maddie swung her head to look at him, “Honestly, I don’t know if I have.”

Kennedy nodded his head in understanding, “I loved you, Maddie. I always will, and I never took your feelings for granted.”

Maddie looked in the opposite direction from him, letting the cool wind dry up the tears forming in her eyes. When she felt she had more control she placed her hand on his knee, “Let’s not get into that right now.”

Kennedy gave a sweet smile and placed his hand on hers, “You’re going to do good things in life, Maddie. I wish I had a heart like yours.”

Maddie flashed him a small smile as a blush crept high on her cheeks, “You could break any girls heart with a smile like that, Kennedy.”

“Even yours?” he asked.

“Especially mine,” she said quietly as they started intently into each other’s eyes. Kennedy read her emotions by looking at her face. Maddie wanted to want Kennedy, because he was a sure thing. He wanted her and if she only wanted him back things would be okay again. She was digging deep in her heart, forgiveness acting as the shovel, to find the part of her that still wanted Kennedy. It was there somewhere, buried deep, wedged right in between anger and embarrassment, the two emotions loving Kennedy came with all along.

“Let’s go inside,” Kennedy said, standing up. He helped Maddie to her feet and she slipped on her shoes. They walked inside to find even more people standing around and most everyone getting more intoxicated by the second.

Before they were inside for more than a minute Maddie was tackled to the ground. She groaned as she moved her hair out of her face and looked into Garrett’s eyes, “Hi, boo,” he said sloppily.

“Get off of me, Garrett,” she pushed against his chest.

“You’re my date though,” he pouted. Maddie held her breath as he talked, the liquor on his breath making her stomach turn.

Maddie rolled her eyes at her drunken best friend and looked up at Kennedy who was laughing with Pat, John, and Jared, “Help?”

Kennedy and John reached for Garrett’s arms and picked him off of her, and Pat helped her off the floor. She straightened out her dress and combed through her hair with her fingers. John stared at her as she did so, once again in a trance. He had almost completely forgotten about Courtney standing with him until she cleared her throat.

He looked at the tall blond, only two inches shorter than him. Her brown eyes were covered in too much make-up, and her dress made her look like a slut. Any guy at the party would want her, but John felt unlucky to be stuck with her while he stared at Maddie.

Maddie was classy and refined, not flaunting her good looks. She was shy and quiet, unlike Courtney who made her presence known every place they went. John only kept her around because he was lonely, she had no personality and all of her friends were fakes. They fell at each other’s every whim, but John took advantage of it.

As John spoke to Courtney, Maddie turned to Garrett, “What happened to your girl?”

Garrett shrugged, “She was way too drunk for me to hook up with her, I mean, can you say drama tomorrow morning?”

Jared laughed, “No, but I can say lawsuit.”

Maddie laughed at his joke and Garrett punched him in the shoulder, “Well you win some, you lose some,” Maddie said.

Garrett smiled, “Speaking of getting some,” he started but Maddie interrupted him.

“We weren’t talking about getting some,” she said.

Garrett rolled his eyes and ignored her, “My friend Jason over there wants to meet you.” He started to pull her by her wrist. She planted her feet firm in the ground as her heels skidded against the ground.

“No, Garrett please, no,” she begged uselessly. He was too strong for her and her heels didn’t have any traction. As he pulled her past John she smiled weakly and begged him for help with her wide eyes.

John rolled his eyes and handed his drink to Courtney. He wrapped his arms around Maddie’s petite waist and pulled her from Garrett’s grasp. He carried her back to her spot next to Kennedy and set her down gently.

She smiled, “Thank you.”

He raised his eyebrows at her as Courtney strangled him with her tight leash and joined him at his side. “Jason is a nice guy, Riggs,” she said to her, the snootiness in her tone annoying the entire group.

Maddie looked at her, “Um, it’s really none of your business, now is it?” she said confidently, recognizing everyone else’s annoyance.

“It is when you have my boyfriend’s attention captured by your over-dramatic reactions,” she said.

Maddie looked to John as he swayed uncomfortably and stared into his drink, she rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry, last time I heard he wasn’t your boyfriend, but maybe you should talk to your ‘boyfriend’ about that.”

Courtney smiled, “Hm, maybe I will,” she stepped in front of John, right in between he and Maddie, and forced his arms around her waist. She lightly pushed her body against his and tangled her fingers in his hair, “Want to go upstairs and,” she turned to Maddie and flipped her curled blond hair in her face before looking back to John, “talk?”

John moved his hands to her hips and pushed her away, “Give it a rest, Court.”

The four boys and Maddie held back their laughs as Courtney walked away angrily. Once she was out of ear-shot they erupted into a fit of laughter. Jared patted John on the shoulder, “Great job, man,” he laughed.

John smiled absentmindedly, feeling guilty he had hurt Courtney’s feelings, but he knew she had deserved it.

The group eventually made their way outside, talking and laughing, recalling old memories and embarrassing moments. The conversation quickly gravitated to upcoming musical endeavors, plans that no one except Kennedy would remember in the morning.

Maddie made her way to the rusty swing set in Garrett’s back yard that his little sister had grown out of years ago. She sat down on the swing and wrapped her hands around the chain. She kicked her feet off the ground and rocked herself backwards and forward.

John glanced at her from the group as Pat talked about new recording software he was thinking about buying. He slowly walked to her as she looked up at the night sky. Kennedy’s jacket was still wrapped around her shoulders and her eyes shone in the moonlight.

She became aware of John’s presence when he stepped on a leaf and it made a crunching sound. She jumped at the sound and when he saw John she laughed, “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” he smiled lightly.

“Push me?” she asked. John walked behind her, the ever-present red cup still in his hands. She had noticed his words beginning to slur for the last hour.

He placed his hand on her back and gently pushed her forward. “Do you remember when Carly picked a star for everyone?” she asked.

John laughed, “Yes. Mine and yours were on opposite sides of the sky because she was mad that you had a crush on me.”

Maddie tilted her head backwards and looked at him, a smile on her lips, “You totally had a crush on me, too.”

“Maybe,” he said sheepishly.

“I always knew it!” she said.

“How?”

“Gut feeling?” she suggested.

“Aren’t you always supposed to go with your gut, then?” he asked.

Maddie shrugged, “I thought you were always supposed to listen to your heart.”

“So your heart told you to go for Kennedy, instead?”

Maddie laughed, “I guess I should’ve trusted my gut back then.”

John nodded his head in agreement, “Things would be a whole lot easier.”

“Which do you follow more?” she asked quietly.

John sighed, “My gut.”

“Maybe you should listen to your heart then,” she looked back at him again, “Then things would be a whole lot easier.”

John gave her one last push before walking in front of the swing. When she swayed forward again he grabbed the chains on either side. Maddie looked up at him and he studied her beautiful face. His drunken mind was exposing his sober thoughts and there was nothing he could do about it.

Maddie got goose bumps all along her skin as she anticipated his next move. But before he could make that next move someone standing in the doorway yelled to the people outside, “The countdown is about to start! Get in here!”

John hung his head as he took his hands off the chains and held his left hand out to her, “Let’s go ring in the new year.”

Maddie grabbed his hand and he led her in. They stood in the crowded living room next to all of their friends as the watched the large grandfather clock sitting above the mantle.

10… 9… Maddie looked to her right and saw John, fully engrossed in the countdown.

8… 7… She looked to Kennedy on her left as he watched the clock.

6… 5… Pat had his arm slung over Lacy’s shoulder, his almost official girlfriend.

4… 3… Jared was standing next to Garrett as they chanted the loudest in the group.

2… 1… Maddie turned back just in time to meet John’s eyes.

“Happy New Year!” The room shouted. John and Maddie stayed silent as they kept their eyes on each other, the emotion in the room affecting both of their actions.

John forcefully put his hand on the back of Maddie’s neck and pushed his lips against hers. She stayed still, shocked this was actually happening. John didn’t recognize she wasn’t kissing back until she finally did start to kiss him.

She tangled her fingers in his hair and forced her small body against his. He casually teased her mouth with his tongue and she let out a small moan as he gripped her tighter. He put his arm around her waist and held on tight.

Maddie could taste the alcohol he had consumed and knew this was all too good to be true. She knew this wasn’t the way John kissed. He was soft and gentle, not rough and sloppy. But she didn’t care; she took advantage of the moment sure to end too soon.

As they pulled away for air they met each other’s eyes. Before they could attach their lips again Maddie was being yanked away by her hair.

She screamed in pain as she turned to face Courtney, “You’ve asked for it now, Maddie.” Courtney balled her right hand in a fist as she still held Maddie’s hair. One of Courtney’s friends was holding Maddie back by her arms as a small crowd watched them.

John stepped in between the girls and put his hands on Courtney’s shoulders, “Stop.”

“You were kissing her, John! I know you’re still at a weird place but you cannot kiss another girl while you have a girlfriend!” Courtney said angrily.

Maddie hung her head as she realized Courtney was right, and apparently so did John. “It was nothing, Court. If you can’t tell I’m drunk, and Maddie was just standing next to me. I’m sorry, it didn’t mean anything,” he said, not interjecting that Courtney wasn’t exactly his girlfriend.

Maddie let his words hit her like a ton of bricks. She shrugged out of the girls grip and walked to where she could look at John’s face, “Nothing? That meant nothing?”

“Yes, Maddie, it meant nothing. Its New Year’s alright? Don’t get so dramatic.”

Maddie’s breathing became uneasy as she let anger take over her heart and mind. “Is this what your heart is telling you to do?”

“Maddie,” he sighed, “It was a mistake. A casual kiss that I didn’t know you would completely blow out of proportion.”

Maddie shook her head, “Fine, I dare you to kiss her and tell me it means more to you.”

John looked at Maddie’s angry eyes. She knew him too well; he couldn’t fake it even if he wanted to. But he knew Courtney would take the opportunity, so he turned to face her. He gently cupped his hand around her jaw and they kissed. It started sweet and soft and soon turned rough and passionate.

Maddie hung her head in shame as she turned around and walked way. She made it away from the crowd before she ran right into Kennedy’s chest. She almost fell to the ground but he caught her. He held onto her shaking body as she leaned against him for support.

She wouldn’t meet his eyes so he bent down to her eye level and grabbed her limp hands, “Maddie, Maddie, no. You can’t let this get to you. It’s the New Year, and you’re not going to let this rule your life anymore. Remember?”

Maddie looked at him as the tears inched closer and closer to pour over her eyelids, “Kiss me,” she said quietly.

“What?” he said shocked.

“Please, Kennedy,” she said, “Just kiss me, and mean it.”

“You don’t want this, Maddie,” he said sympathetically.

She stomped her foot and looked at him, her words fierce, “Yes, I do.”

“Maddie, don’t put me or yourself through this,” he begged her. He wanted to kiss her so badly, but knew that if he did he would never want to let go.

Maddie took a breath as she realized he was right. She turned on the heel of her foot and looked back at Courtney and John. She had her back against a wall as John kissed her.

Kennedy took a step forward to stand next to Maddie. He followed her gaze to John and Courtney and his heart broke for the girl next to him. He took one last glance at her as a tear streamed down her face, then back to John as he flaunted his girlfriend in Maddie’s face.

“Screw this,” Kennedy said and in one motion wrapped his arm around her waist and stepped in front of her. He pressed his lips to Maddie’s and released every emotion he had been holding back.