Weak, But Not Defeated

Dear John,

I hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. Who am I kidding? I know it probably sucked because you’re such a grump every year. I thought about you, and how we weren’t valentines this year. I guess something had to break the cycle.

Garrett found out that I got accepted to Harvard. I don’t want to gloat, but I have the best boyfriend in the world. Can I even say that to you? I hate not knowing.

I hate walking on egg shells around you, but I think it’s for the best. John, will we ever be back to normal? I’m losing hope, and the worst part is I am not as upset as I should be.

I hope you guys have a great show this Saturday, because Sunday is going to be a really hard day. I’m going to need you the most. Maybe you, Kennedy, Jared and I can go visit her together. I think she’d like that.

See you soon,

Maddie

“Thank you Tucson, I’m in love with every single one of you. Have a good night,” John spoke into the microphone, ending the boys’ set.

Maddie smiled as she felt a pair of arms wrap around her waist and lips make the way to her neck. “I’m working,” she laughed, handing the young girl in front of her change from her purchase.

“I like you,” he mumbled against her skin.

She giggled as she turned to face him, taking advantage of the lull in fans attempting to buy merch. She wrapped her arms around Garrett’s neck, “Hi,” she smiled.

He kissed her softly, smiling in the midst, “Have I told you lately how amazing you are?”

Maddie shrugged, “Yes, but please feel free to continue.”

“Ha, ha,” he said, “One of the bands is having a party tonight; they said we could all crash at the house if it’s too late to drive back.”

Maddie pursed her lips, “I think I just want to go home…”

“Why?” he pouted.

“I’m just really tired,” she lied, “Is everyone staying?”

“I’m driving the gear back tonight,” Kennedy said from behind them as he packed up the boxes, “You can ride with me, Madds.”

“Thanks, Kenny,” she said

“Come on babe,” Garrett urged, “Just stay with me.”

“You’re probably going to get really drunk and I’ll just sit alone, so I would kind of rather just sleep in my own bed tonight,” Maddie said.

Garrett furrowed his eyebrows, “Are you mad?”

“Nope,” she said, turning her back to Garrett to help pack up boxes.

He grabbed her wrist lightly, spinning her around, “Maddie, I won’t stay if you don’t want me to.”

She rubbed his arm lightly, “It’s fine. We’re leaving soon, have a good time,” she smiled before kissing his cheek.

He smiled before walking away. Kennedy looked at her, saying nothing. She faked a smile and walked away from him, carrying a box to the van.

When she got there she handed the box to John as he loaded it into the back, “Hey,” he said quietly.

“Are you staying tonight?” she asked.

“Yep,” John replied, “I’ll keep an eye on Garrett for you.”

“Thanks,” she said, knowing she wouldn’t need John to watch Garrett.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” John asked quietly, not meeting her eyes.

Maddie laughed lightly, “Anything but what we have to.”

John gave her an encouraging smile, “We’ll all be okay.”

“I’ll call you,” she said before joining Kennedy in the van.

As they two drove they listened to music, taking in the empty scenery of dirt and dust on their almost two hour journey.

“You’re pissed at Garrett, aren’t you?” he asked.

She shook her head, “He likes to party and I don’t, that’s all.”

“I think it’s kind of screwed up, too. I mean, tomorrow kind of warrants a little bit of extra attention.”

Maddie looked at her hands, studying invisible things, trying not to think about what Kennedy was alluding to. But her mind overcame her defense, “Kennedy, what happened that night?”

“Which one?” he asked. She only looked at him, and he moved his eyes from in front of him to hers for a split second, “You really want to know?”

Maddie nodded her head slowly, and Kennedy wasn’t convinced.

“You’re not ready for that, Maddie. I already told you when you were in England,” he said.

“Yes, but now I know why Carly was even at your house when it happened. I want specifics. Was Emma there?” she asked.

“Another time, Maddie,” Kennedy said through tight lips.

“I have a right to know,” she said, annoyed.

“And I have a right to keep it from you,” Kennedy retorted.

Maddie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. She looked at the clock on the dashboard that signaled it was now 12:03 a.m. on a day she wished would be wiped clean from every calendar for as long as she lived.

--

John took a sip of the vodka mixed drink he had been working on for the past forty five minutes. The semi-small group of people around him had slowly started to get more and more intoxicated collectively, while he and Jared had mostly stayed sober.

“Tomorrow is the twenty-first,” Jared stated.

John took another drink, “I think it will hit me at 9:23 p.m.”

Jared shuddered at the eeriness, “That’s going to suck. I wonder what Kennedy will do,” he said.

“Maddie kind of mentioned all of us doing something, without Garrett and Pat,” John said.

“They didn’t know Carly like we did,” Jared said.

“You miss her?” John asked.

“Carly was my very first crush and the only girl I’ve ever been extremely close to. Yeah, I miss her,” Jared said.

John smiled, “Carly was everyone’s first crush.”

“And then you fell in love with her little sister, ouch,” Jared laughed.

John laughed, “Speaking of, where is Garrett?” he asked, peaking over the crowd.

“I think I saw him head upstairs, probably to pass out,” Jared said.

John set his drink down and began ascending the stairs, confused as to why Garrett would even be going upstairs. The first door on his right was closed and he decided not to enter, leaving whomever in there alone. The next room he walked past, the door was wide open.

John took in a breath as the strange feeling in his stomach made a full turn, making him sick. “Garrett, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

The sandy haired boy quickly stood up from where he lied, leaving the blonde girl next to him in shock. His lips were a brighter red than normal, faintly matching the shade of the blonde’s lipstick.

Garrett gripped his hair in his hands, “Oh my god.”

John walked to him hastily, pushing him against the nearest wall, “I should punch you in the face right now.”

“John,” Garrett said, his hands in the air, “I… I don’t know what to say.”

John could smell the alcohol on his breath and he rolled his eyes, pushing him once more before pacing a few feet in front of him, “You are such an idiot.”

“I’m so drunk,” Garrett said, rubbing a hand over his face.

“You’re not drunk enough,” John murmured as he watched the blonde leave the room.

“How would you know?”

“You should be falling on the floor wasted, not knowing where you are, to cheat on a girl like Maddie,” he shook his head.

“John, you can’t tell her, please,” Garrett begged.

John met his eyes, “You’re not going to tell her?”

Garrett sighed, “Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of her sister’s death. I don’t want to just make it worse.”

John understood; that was the excuse he had used to keep the biggest secret ever from Maddie. He had told himself that it would only add insult to injury, that she wasn’t ready, and that it was for her own good. “There is no way in hell I am keeping another secret from her.”

Garrett rubbed his hands over his face, sighing dramatically, “John, it’s not that big of a deal,” he said, taking a sip of his beer.

John rolled his eyes and made his way out of the bedroom, before turning to Garrett, “I suggest you go to sleep, now, Garrett. Don’t make this worse for yourself.”

John walked downstairs and past the puzzled Jared. He exited the house, letting the cold air cool down his temper, before taking a deep breath and pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. He pushed the number two speed dial, marking the fact it had never been changed after all they’ve been through.

“Hello?” she squeaked, and John instantly knew she was crying.

“Madds? What’s wrong?” he asked, alarmed.

“It’s officially February twenty-first,” she said, sniffling.

John took a seat on a bench on the porch, “Oh, Maddie…”

“This really sucks, John,” she said, forcing a laugh to make up for her crying.

“I’m sorry I can’t be there for you,” he said, regretting his decision to stay in Tucson for the night.

“I feel selfish. I know you, and Jared, and Kennedy are all sad too. It’s just really hard,” she said.

“I know, baby,” John said, not even thinking of the affectionate name he had added.

“Baby? So we’re back to that then,” she teased.

“Is it a problem?” he asked.

“Not at all,” she said and John swore he could hear the smile in Maddie’s voice.

Even in the darkest of situations, Madeline Riggs always found a way to smile, and that was enough for John to convince himself that maybe one more secret was okay for just one night.