Weak, But Not Defeated

Maddie sighed loudly as she turned Garrett’s bag upside down, dumping out all of the clothes he had attempted to fold.

“Hey!” Garrett yelled as he watched her.

“Your clothes are going to get completely wrinkled and you’ll look horrible. You’ve been on tour before, how do you still not know how to pack!?” Maddie asked as she began to fold his clothes.

Garrett lay down on his bed, “You always do it for me!”

Maddie rolled her eyes, “We leave tomorrow… you should have asked me earlier.”

“Someone is a little grumpy today,” Garrett said.

“I’m just stressed. I don’t really want to go with you guys,” Maddie said.

“Why not, babe?” Garrett asked, taking her hand and pulling her onto the bed.

She lay next to him as he wrapped his arm around her waist, “Living in a van with all boys who don’t shower does not sound enjoyable.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun! We’re going to California, so that means the beach. You love the beach,” he said.

“We’re also going to Oregon, where it rains,” Maddie reminded him.

Garrett looked in her eyes, “You’re worried about going to Oregon.”

“Eugene has a lot of memories,” she said quietly.

“I know that was a hard time, but you’re better now. Come on, Madds, we need you,” he pouted.

Maddie laughed at his sad face and kissed his lips, “You take advantage of the fact that I can’t say no to you.”

“You bet I do,” he smiled as he rolled on top of her, kissing her.

Garrett tangled his hands in her hair as she kissed him roughly, “We won’t be able to do this on tour,” she mumbled against his lips.

“Do what, exactly?” he asked before moving his lips to her neck.

She closed her eyes as she placed a hand on his cheek, lifting his face so he could look at her, “You’re cute.”

“So are you,” he smiled, moving a hand to her hip, using his finger to draw tiny circles. Garrett met her eyes as she slowly let him lift the hem of her shirt. He studied her flat, toned stomach and placed small kisses on her skin. She let him take off her shirt delicately; going slow to make sure it was okay.

Garrett sat up and peeled off his shirt, letting Maddie place her hands on his stomach as she kissed him. Maddie didn’t let the intensity faze her. Garrett knew her limitations, and he had been good for the past couple of weeks since she told him.

But as his hand slipped gradually up her back and found its way to her bra clasp she began to panic. She tried to roll on top of him to change his focus but he only took it as a sign of her wanting more. So he easily unclasped her bra, but she pushed him off forcefully, standing from the bed and using her hands to hold her bra to her chest.

“Garrett!” Maddie gasped.

He groaned as he lay on his back, rubbing his hands over his face. “You’re killing me, Maddie.”

“I thought you understood. I thought I was very clear,” she said.

“You were! But then you let me take off your shirt so I figured you had changed your mind,” he said, sitting up.

“You’re an idiot, Garrett. I don’t want to have sex with you,” she told him.

“You knew the kind of guy I was when you got into this relationship, Maddie. I have needs,” he complained.

“I do too, Garrett. I need a boyfriend who will respect me,” she said as she clasped her bra and put on her shirt.

Garrett stood now, placing his hands on her hips, “Give it a rest, Maddie. You know I respect you. I just want more than kissing. I’m not asking for sex, just more.”

“I’m not ready. I don’t know how else to tell you,” she said.

“Then at least admit that the reason you won’t go past making out is because of Kennedy,” Garrett said angrily.

Maddie’s heart grew heavy at the mention of his name in this situation, “I’m leaving. Don’t call me,” she said before leaving his room and storming out of his house.

She got in her car and drove right to his house. She tried not to let the tears cloud her vision, and she was successful until she reached his doorstep.

She rang the doorbell before wrapping her arms around herself. The door opened and Kennedy’s aging mom answered with a smile.

“Well, hello, Madeline,” she said warmly, “We haven’t seen you around here in a while.”

Maddie forced a weak smile. “Hi, Mrs. Brock, is Kennedy home?”

The woman seemed to notice Maddie’s tear-filled eyes, “Yes he is honey, come on in.”

Maddie walked upstairs to the nursery and found Kennedy sleeping by Emma’s crib. She shook him lightly and he awoke slowly, smiling when he saw her.

She grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him to his room, shutting the door. “What’s going on, Madds?”

“Why did you do it?” she asked.

“I’m… confused. Do what?” Kennedy asked sitting on his bed.

“I loved you Kennedy, I mean, I really, really loved you,” Maddie said, pacing in front of him.

“I am not sure where you’re going with this,” he told her as he stood up, catching her arm.

She threw him off of her, “My virginity, Kennedy! How could you steal that from me when you held such a big secret?”

“Maddie, I thought you were over this,” Kennedy said soothingly.

“What would make you think that!? You don’t even know me, Kennedy, you never did,” she said angrily.

“Of course I know you, Maddie! I loved you for three years,” he said.

“Are you stupid? You don’t have sex with someone else when you’re in love,” Maddie said, rolling her eyes.

“Yes, Maddie, I was an idiot. I am the dumbest man on earth to have ever let you go,” Kennedy said, walking close to her.

Tears filled Maddie’s eyes as she slapped him across the face, “Don’t tell me that Kennedy. It’s not what I want to hear.”

“I don’t care what you want to hear, Maddie, it’s the truth!” Kennedy defended.

Maddie stayed silent for a moment before speaking silently, “You ruined me for a while, Kenny.”

“You think I don’t feel horrible about that every day? Maddie, if I could take it back-” Kennedy started before Maddie interrupted him.

“You can’t. I just need to know why,” she said hastily.

“I can’t give you a reason. All I can say is that I regret doing that to you, but Maddie, you have to know that I loved you. I wasn’t using you or just trying to get sex. You believe me, don’t you?” he asked hopelessly.

“You promise?” she asked.

“I swear.”

Maddie sighed as she stared at her hands and Kennedy spoke again, “Did you and Garrett get in a fight?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said flatly.

“Just go back to him and make up. It’s me you’re angry at, not him,” Kennedy said, placing a hand on her back.

She stood up, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Kennedy sighed as he walked her out. She felt drained and he didn’t know what to say.

Maddie got in her car and drove. She didn’t know where she was going or where she would end up, but after a half hour she finally stopped.

Maddie sat on a swing in a completely deserted park. The city still kept up the beauty of it, but the only thing left standing was a rusty old swing set.

She looked up at the sky. It was dark as clouds loomed above. They were taunting her with the threat of rain. She didn’t care, she embraced it. And soon enough, the first drops began to fall. They hit her face lightly at first, letting her blink away the ones that had landed on her eyelashes. But after a while she didn’t know the difference between tears and rain drops, or whether it was her crying harder or the rain falling faster.

But that didn’t matter and it’s not what Maddie was thinking about. She felt dirty, and the rain water was washing her clean. She needed to be clean of her tainted past. She knew it wasn’t her fault, but that was about all she knew. Kennedy had ruined her purity, but she had given it to him.

So why did she feel so badly? Why did she still hate Kennedy whenever she thought about what he did to her? Why, even now, did she still harbor anger towards all her friends that had lied to her?

It was because she hadn’t forgiven them.

She thought she had. She thought going to Oregon had given her time to think, and forgive. But it had only given her time to forget, time to push it to the back of her mind, but not to let go.
She needed to, though. And Garrett was helping her. He loved her and made her feel like the most special girl in the world, even if it was just in his world. But Garrett didn’t understand her well enough to comprehend why she wouldn’t have sex with him.

John understood her. John knew her better than anyone else, and so comparing him to Garrett wasn’t even a fair fight. John was a good best friend when he wanted to be, but the fact that sometimes he did not want to be, was why she never put her whole heart into their relationship.

She needed to let go.

Maddie was watching the sky when she heard his voice in front of her, “Maddie, how long have you been out here?”

She shrugged, moving her eyes to his boots, “Your shoes are muddy.”

He bent down to her eye level and she finally looked at him. He wore blue jeans and a black jacket with the hood over his head, and another jacket in his hand. “Maddie, its pouring rain and you’re soaking wet.”

“How’d you find me?” she asked.

“Garrett said he couldn’t get a hold of you and that you were upset, and I knew right where you were. You used to come here with Carly,” he said. “What’s wrong?”

“The same thing that’s always wrong,” she told him.

He sighed as he stood and walked to the swing next to her, sitting. “Kennedy told me you stopped by.”

“I don’t know how to let go,” she said quietly.

“No one expects you to,” he told her.

“How did you forgive me for leaving you?” Maddie asked.

“I figured we were even. And I missed you,” he said honestly.

Maddie nodded her head. She had gotten all of her friends back by leaving. She had gotten her revenge. She longed for the way she felt before her eighteenth birthday. Garrett was able to fill the hole in her heart partially, but that was really only something she could completely fix.

She noticed John stand from the swing and soon felt John’s hand on her back as he lightly pushed her. “What are you doing?” she asked

“I’m making you let go,” he said as she swung back.

He pushed her higher and higher while she closed her eyes. The rain was letting up and the force she was going against made her body cold. She opened her eyes, looking up.

The sun began to peek through the clouds slowly. It was eerily reminiscent of her time spent in Eugene. The weather was subliminally telling her to let go.

She soon saw John in front of her as she swayed back. She soared high above him again, and when she went back he held out his arms, “Let go, Maddie.”

“What?” she shouted to him, not understanding.

“Jump! I promise I’ll catch you,” he told her as she swung back.

As she went forward she looked at the sun again, now not hidden at all. She knew it was time; this had controlled her life for too long. A smile spread across her face as she rocked back. As soon as she began to go forward again she used all of her force to throw herself towards John.

Maddie landed on her feet near John and her momentum carried her into him. He wrapped his arms around her, warming her chilled body.

She was crying now, but the tears were accompanied by a smile.

She had finally let go.