Status: FIN (:

Weak, But Not Defeated

so much I never said

Maddie stood at the doorway, her hands on her hips as she stared at the room. John looked at her from inside, “Will you stop being such a girl and come help me?”

She grunted as she entered, “Why did Carly have so much stuff?”

John shrugged, “She was your sister, how would I know?”

“Carly and I were polar opposites, you know that,” Maddie said as she opened a drawer in Carly’s desk and dumped it all out. “And besides, you knew her better than I did.”

“Apparently she was a hoarder, too,” John said as she showed Maddie a certificate for perfect attendance from the second grade.

Maddie shook her head, rolling her eyes. She and John had vowed to clean out Carly’s room today while Maddie’s mom was out of town. It would be closure, really, and it would just get rid of so much clutter.

“I was the mature one, obviously,” Maddie laughed as she took a whoopee cushion and threw it at John.

John and Maddie spent the whole day cleaning out the room. They cried but they laughed even more. By nightfall things were finally all in boxes and everything except Carly’s bottom drawer of her desk was cleaned out.

John lay on the ground, outstretched and falling asleep. Maddie dumped out the drawer and began sorting through its contents.

She stared curiously at the folded piece of paper that spelled out John’s name on the front in Carly’s penmanship. She looked at him, making sure he wasn’t watching. She picked it up slowly and opened it. As she read it tears filled hey eyes and anger filled her heart.

She stood up and looked at John. His eyes were closed but she knew he wasn’t asleep, “Get out.”

He opened his eyes, “What?”

“Get out of my house, John,” she said furiously, “Go away right now.”

He stood up and walked to her cautiously, “Maddie, what’s going on?” She slapped his hand when he reached for her. His face help concern and confusion, and it only made Maddie angrier. He lowered his eyes to the letter in her hands.
“What’s that?” he asked with his throat dry.

She let one tear fall down her cheek as she angrily pressed it to his chest. He took it from her and opened it while he watched Maddie walk out of the room. He turned his eyes to the paper and read. It only took about a minute for John’s breath to catch and for the letter to flutter to the floor.

February 15

John,

I’m sorry to steal yours and Maddie’s letter thing. You can say all you want these aren’t love letters but I know better, I know you love my sister. I probably won’t even send this, because all I’m telling you is stuff you already know.

Which is why we can’t tell her what happened last night.

It will break her fragile little heart, especially because you two bond over your hatred of Valentine’s Day. I know she thinks she’s in love with Kennedy and she very well may be, but you are her shining star. She loves you more than she loves me, and I’m okay with that.

Sleeping with you was a mistake. Probably the biggest one I’ve made, and I can’t bear to see the look on Maddie’s face if she finds out. Her estimation of me is already so low, and I can’t let it get any lower.

Please don’t tell her. She won’t hate just me, she’ll hate you too. And I know she means more to you then I ever could. She doesn’t deserve everything I’ve done to her.

I kissed Kennedy a few nights ago, and he kissed me, too. I’m digging a hole that is getting too deep and I don’t see myself coming out anytime soon.

I don’t want to bring Maddie down with me.

-Carly


John flew down the stairs to find Maddie in the kitchen. She was throwing open cupboards carelessly, searching for food to distract her.

“Maddie let me explain,” John begged.

She spun to look at him, “Explain what, John? I think Carly said it all.”

John tried to walk to her but she made sure to stay on the other side of the marble island in the middle of the kitchen. “It didn’t mean anything.”

“Did you take her virginity?” Maddie asked.

John looked into her eyes and knew he had nothing to lose because her deep, blue eyes showed such deep disappointment, “She took mine, too.”

Maddie cringed in disgust, “Get out, John.”

“Baby, I’m sorry,” John said.

“Apologies are only empty words when you need an excuse. Now get the hell away from me,” Maddie said forcefully.

John realized there was nothing left for him to say. Maddie watched as he sulked out of her house.

She took her cell phone in her hand, dialing Garrett’s number. He answered after two rings.

“Hey boo!” he greeted cheerfully. “I miss you.”

“You have no idea,” she said as her voice cracked, “Garrett, I really need you.”

“What happened?” he asked, concerned.

“Please don’t tell me you knew Carly and John slept together,” she said, crossing her fingers.

“Woah! What!?” he exclaimed, “I had no idea, Madds.”

Maddie tried not to let any tears fall so that Garrett wouldn’t get any more worried, “When do you get back?”

“I’ll be home in two days, sweets. Are you going to be okay?” he asked.

“Yeah… yeah I’ll be fine,” she lied, “I’ll talk to you later.”

Garrett said his goodbye before the couple hung up.

Maddie walked back upstairs and grabbed boxes she and John had packed up. She walked each of them down the stairs and out the front door to the trash can on the side of the house. She carelessly threw out the boxes, not thinking of any repercussions. She was angry, so furiously mad, that nothing mattered.

When every box was rotting with the trash Maddie wasn’t surprised that she still didn’t feel at peace. She took her keys off the counter and climbed in her car, hating where she knew she had to go.

Maddie walked slowly through the green grass, still wet from the night sprinklers. It was very well lit and wasn’t at all creepy like one would expect. When she rounded the last tree to see the grave she stopped as she stared at the lanky boy in front of it. He heard the leaves wrestle beneath her feet and turned to look at her.

“Maddie…” he said cautiously.

She shook her head and turned around, walking briskly to escape all the emotion held at that white stone. She felt his hand wrap around her thin arm as he stopped her.

“Don’t leave,” he said. “You need to do this.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, John. I’m so not in the mood to even let you touch me,” she said, shaking out of his grip.

He stared at her with pleading eyes and she sighed as she turned begrudgingly and walked back towards her sister’s grave.

She stared at the cursive name with narrowed eyes. She wasn’t remorseful like the older gentlemen a few rows away that was crying on his knees. She wasn’t smiling like the elderly woman that stared down at the flowers she had placed only a few graves down.

She was angry.

Angry at the boy that stood behind her with his hands in his pockets, angry at herself for feeling so much hate for the person she should miss most, but most of all; angry at her sister.

“Why did you do it?” she asked.

John stepped to her side, “I was stupid.”

“You liked something about her then,” Maddie said in monotone.

“She was beautiful and I was attracted to her. I was young and hormonal, and she was there,” John said all at once.

Maddie shook her head, as if to defy the tears that formed in her blue orbs. She looked at him, “You were my valentine.”

“You were with Kennedy,” John replied.

“So don’t lie to me John! Don’t tell me you were in love with me when I loved Kennedy because you obviously didn’t! You wouldn’t have slept with her if you did!” Maddie shouted.

“You rejected me, Maddie!” he yelled back. “You didn’t want me and I wanted you. I was lonely and Carly was too.”

“I hate everyone making Carly the victim; like she envied me so much. Everyone loved Carly, even when she completely screwed up! Jared kept hope in her when he should have given up, Kennedy slept with her while he led me on, and my best friend lied to me,” Maddie said, looking back at the headstone, “She is not the victim.”

“Maddie, calm down,” John said, rubbing his hand over her back.

She squirmed away from him, “No! You don’t know how it feels to hate your sister that lies in the ground beneath your feet,” Maddie said as tears fell down her cheeks. She stomped her foot on the headstone, “She had to lay her selfish hands on every guy I ever had feelings for, and you fell for it, John!” Maddie continued to stomp her foot on the stone, “Everyone fell for it!”

John wrapped his arms around her waist and picked her off the ground as she kicked her feet. He finally set her down as she fell into his tight arms. She only cried for about a minute before wiping her eyes and pulling away from him. He held onto her arms to make sure she was stable but she quickly stepped away from him.

“John, you really messed this up,” she said quietly.

“It happened a long time ago,” he said guiltily.

“It doesn’t mean you didn’t lie to me.”

“I’m sorry, Maddie,” he said, taking her hands, “I did love you, with all my heart. Carly meant nothing, only you.” She hung her head and John lifted her chin with his fingertips, “Maddie, please tell me we’ll be okay.”

She leaned her forehead against his as she stared at her hand in John’s. “John, please go home.”

“Is that what you want?” he whispered, causing Maddie to feel the breath on her lips.

She looked into his eyes as she saw Carly’s grave in her peripheral vision. “Yes.”

John sighed as he pulled away from her. He turned to walk to the exit but reached in his pocket first. He handed her the folded letter, rubbing his thumb over hers as she took it.

“Give me a shot, Maddie,” he begged.

She looked down at the envelope then back into John’s eyes. He nodded his head before walking away from her.

When he was out of sight Maddie opened the letter, knowing full well it would either break her heart or mend it.

Dear Madeline,

Right now, you hate me. This is the worst feeling that I am just too familiar with. I know you won’t listen to what I have to say, so I’ve resorted to this cowardice. I’m sorry I have to do this in print, but you need to hear me and I need to tell you.

Maddie, if I could just apologize, beg for mercy, entreat you to the highest level, I’d do it. I didn’t want you to find out like that. I never loved Carly. I’ve never been in love with anyone except you, Maddie.

Maddie, if I could only put it into words. A few months ago, I couldn’t have been more pleased to have you back in my life, because the truth is, I missed the hell out of you. You’re my inspiration to do what I love most. I’ve written so many songs with you in mind I’m sure it’s getting redundant. But you’re just so appealing to me.

Maddie, if I could do anything to make you love me like you used to, I would. I’m not trying to sound weird or make you feel uncomfortable. I can say that this isn’t me flirting with you, but I’ve never known how to not flirt with you. I love to see you smile and it makes my heart hurt that I know you’re not smiling as you read this.

Maddie, if I could have you in my life from here on out, I’ll be the happiest man alive. I’ll miss you when you go to college, and when you forget about all of your friends for a time while you make new connections in Boston. But I know you won’t forget about us, because you love us.

Maddie, if I could be frank, you’re the best person I know. Your heart is too big and you love too often, but if the only fault you have is that you radiate too much love, then I think you’re pretty great off. You’re beautiful, Madeline, and what makes you most beautiful is that you don’t even know it.

So, baby, here’s a preview of another song; another chorus written just for you. I love you with all of my heart, and I’ll never turn my back on you again. You’re my best friend, forever and always.

You can rough me up; yeah baby you can hurt me too. Because all I’ve got, you see all I’ve got is you. You can rough me up, you can break me down. Baby, don't stop now. You can use me up till it all runs out. Baby, don't stop now. I’m all yours.

Maddie, if I could only be the man you deserve.

-John O’Callaghan V
♠ ♠ ♠
DANG.
Any thoughts? Mmm (:
This is for keriberry234 because she's awesome.
And Ketely harasses me so this is NOT for her. (: