Weak, But Not Defeated

Maddie rolled onto her side, her lips pulling into a smile as the scent of John’s fabric softener filled her nostrils. She opened her eyes slowly, her eyes fixed on the boy that lay next to her.

His hair was disheveled as always. His body was strewn out over the comforter, exposing his shirtless torso. He wore simple blue boxer-briefs. His right arm was wrapped around Maddie’s bare waist and she had never felt more comfortable.

She snuggled under his armpit, placing her hand on his chest. Her cold fingers woke him up, and he smiled when he saw her messy hair. He used his other hand to take hers and she smiled shamelessly at him.

“Hi,” she whispered.

“Good morning,” he smiled, kissing her hand.

The two stared into each other’s eyes before Maddie started giggling. John laughed as he rolled over on top of her, attaching his lips to hers.

She tangled her fingers in his hair as John placed one long kiss on her pink lips. He pulled away from her, smiling. “I love you so much.”

Maddie placed her hand gently on his cheek, “You have no idea.”

John lay back down on his back, gathering the small girl in his arms. He kissed the top of her head lovingly.

“So what do we do now?” Maddie asked, tilting her head to look at John.

He looked into her pure blue orbs, still looking innocent after everything that had happened last night. “I’ll take you home.”

“Why?” Maddie asked, holding him back from getting up.

“Well you can stay here if you would like, but I need to go see Courtney,” John said.

Maddie cleared her throat, “Why is that?”

John smiled reassuringly, “I need to break up with her.”

She let out a sigh of relief but soon felt like her chest was compressing, “I guess I need to speak to Garrett.”

John watched Maddie as she climbed out of his bed, only underwear covering her. She used her hands to cover her breasts while she looked for her bra. As she clasped it she had her back to John.

“You don’t really need to cover up,” John laughed as he studied her body, his head resting in his palm.

Maddie blushed, “Stop.”

“You’re so beautiful, Maddie,” John said.

She grinned at him, before crawling back into his bed, “Am I sexy?”

He let her climb over him and straddle his waist, “Do I really need to answer that?”

She kissed him lightly, “I’m sorry if things didn’t go like you planned last night.”

“What are you talking about?” John asked.

“Well… you know, you just really know what you’re doing, and I don’t,” Maddie shrugged.

“You were perfect,” John breathed.

Maddie smiled, “Well, I try.”

He laughed, “We’re never going to get what we need done if you keep teasing me like this.”

She kissed him chastely, “Oh darn.”

Soon enough Maddie started to dress, conscious of John’s eyes on her. He worried for her. She was smiling and carefree, but she would soon realize the consequences of her actions. Maddie had cheated on Garrett. She wasn’t this kind of girl. John had never cheated on a girlfriend, but he didn’t care for Courtney, and he knew that she had cheated on him.

No matter how angry Maddie was at Garrett, she would hate herself for going this low. John was afraid to leave her alone, because her thoughts would eat at her until she finally broke down.

But God, did she look beautiful.

John drove Maddie to her house, giving her a kiss before he drove off to Courtney’s home. Maddie walked into her empty house, going straight to her bedroom.

When she opened the door her breath caught. A dozen roses sat in a vase on her nightstand. She walked slowly to them, as if some kind of vines of guilt would capture her heart strings.

She took the note in her hands, her fingers lightly trembling. Maddie, I’m so sorry for last night. Please call me back. –Garrett

Maddie set the note down and leaned down to smell the roses, fully inhaling the sweet scent. She lay back on her bed, rubbing her tired eyes.

What had she done?

She stood up and took a tank top and shorts out of her drawer. The empty house was lacking air conditioning and the heat of summer was beginning to descend upon the desert of Arizona.

She looked at herself in her full length mirror. Her hair was not combed through, her makeup almost nonexistent. She felt sore and exhausted. Her feet hurt from her heels, but the heaviness of her chest was the only thing she was thinking about.

Maddie loved the way her heartbeat sped up at even a quick thought of John. But there was still a thin veil that even love couldn’t tear apart, and that veil caused the pounding of her heart to be suppressed; it caused the butterflies in her stomach to not beat as anxiously as they should.

Garrett was wrong for Maddie. They were wrong for each other. He was a decent boyfriend, a great kisser, but the best, best friend anyone could ask for. He cared and he would go out of his way to help Maddie. He had practically broken up with her at prom while they danced.

He claimed to love her, but that was impossible. You can’t give someone your heart without their consent. Maddie never asked for Garrett’s love, he voluntarily obliged. She felt guilty and hurt that she had said she loved him. Because even though she had loved two boys in her life, Garrett wasn’t one of them.

Besides, claiming to love three fifths of the same band kind of made her a whore.

Maddie reached for her bag, taking her cell phone out of the front pocket for the first time since she placed it there last night.

She had eight missed calls and fifteen new text messages. All of them were from Garrett, except one text from Halvo.

She laughed when she read it; Hey boo thang. You left with John last night? Scandalous! Just kidding. On a serious note, your boyfriend is crying like a little baby about you, so please call him. It’s annoying. Oh, and if you guys break up, I’m here for you… IN EVERY SINGLE WAY.

She wrote back, You’re a creep, but thanks. I need to talk to you.

Five minutes later Maddie heard a knock on her door. She looked through the peep hole before opening it, coming face to face with a smiling Eric.

“I didn’t mean you had to come over right this second,” Maddie laughed, letting him in.

“Well, I figured you were just being cryptic to seem like less of a slut,” Eric said.

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

Eric sighed, “Are you telling me that Garrett didn’t break up with you and you weren’t asking me to come over and… uh, cheer you up?”

“I’m not ever going to have sex with you, Eric,” Maddie said, exasperated.

“Then why the hell am I here!” Eric said, throwing his hands in the air.

Maddie sat on her couch, curling her legs into her chest and resting her chin atop her knees. Eric sat next to her, resting his arm on the side of the couch Maddie was on, “What’s up baby girl?”

“Can you keep a secret?” Maddie asked.

“If I must,” Eric sighed.

Maddie mustered up everything inside of her to say the words even just in a whisper, “I cheated on Garrett.”

“With John?” he asked. Maddie nodded her head meekly and Eric grinned, “Yes!”

“Why are you so happy?” Maddie asked.

“Because I totally called it. I told John when we were like fifteen that you would do him on prom and he thought I was stupid. Ha!” Eric said joyfully before noticing Maddie’s solemn demeanor. His grin soon fell into an unsure frown, “Oh, no.”

Maddie felt the light salting of tears in her eyes, taking in deep breaths to keep them from falling. “I’m not this kind of girl.”

Eric wrapped an arm around her, “I know that, Maddie. We all know that.”

“I cheated on my boyfriend, Eric,” Maddie said, more to herself then to Halvo.

“But he cheated on you too,” he said, consoling her.

“I wish that made it okay,” she replied, “He was drunk when he kissed that girl, and drunk when he danced with the one last night. I wasn’t intoxicated at all.”

“Garrett doesn’t have to know that,” Eric said.

Maddie looked into his eyes, shunning herself for actually considering it, “I can’t lie.”

Eric nodded his head, a sad look on his face, “Maddie, Garrett’s grandma had a heart attack, the one that lives in Oklahoma. He’s sort of a wreck.”

Maddie’s mouth went dry, “Why didn’t he tell me?”

“He tried calling.”

“How can I break up with him now?” Maddie sighed, laying her head in Eric’s lap.

“Just let him break up with you first,” Eric suggested quietly.

Maddie looked at him, “You’re right.”

“I am?” he asked, a hint of excitement in his voice.

She sat up, “He wants to break up with me anyways. So I’ll just let him do it and then go from there.”

“I’m a genius,” Eric smiled.

Maddie smiled half-heartedly, “Eric, am I a slut? I mean honestly, just based on what I’ve done.”

“Madds, you’re in love. You can’t help the things that happen when you’re in love,” he told her.

She smiled at him, cocking her head sideways, “Who know you were actually a romantic, Halvorsen?”

“You would if you would have called me over for the right reasons,” he grumbled.

Maddie lightly slapped his shoulder and he laughed, “Thanks for coming over, favorite.”

Eric walked to the door, “Anytime. Your secret is safe with me, sweet thing.”

“Thank you,” she said before opening the door. Eric hugged her goodbye before exiting.

Maddie sat back on her couch, relishing in the silence of her home. She didn’t have the guts to call Garrett. He would come to her when he was ready.

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door. Maddie opened it, her breath catching as she stared into Garrett’s stern, blue eyes. Apparently he was ready, and Maddie panicked as she realized she wasn’t.

“We need to talk,” he said, walking in.

Maddie shut the door behind him, “Do you want to sit?”

Garrett and Maddie sat on opposite couches in silence. After a minute he spoke up, “I’m sorry about last night.”

“It doesn’t really matter, does it?” Maddie asked.

“Maddie, I can’t do this right now,” he said, burying his face in his hands, “I have to go back to Oklahoma for my grandma later today. I’m going to be gone for a week.”

“There’s no reason for putting it off, Garrett. Just break up with me,” Maddie said.

“I don’t want to. How can I break up with the girl that keeps me around when I screw up so badly?” Garrett asked rhetorically, “I can’t do it.”

“Well, good, I’m glad you get to decide everything that goes on,” Maddie said, rolling her eyes.

“Maddie please,” Garrett said, walking to her and taking her hands, “Take a week to think about it.”

“Is your grandma going to be okay?” Maddie asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah. She just needs some help. I’ll call you, okay?” he said, “Please don’t give up on me.”

“Garrett…” Maddie said, shifting uncomfortably.

“Next week,” Garrett said.

She sighed before standing, her hand still in Garrett’s. She led him to the door, stopping before she opened it. She looked up into his eyes, “Call me and let me know you’re safe.”

Garrett kissed her forehead, “Bye, sweetie.”

Maddie shut the door behind Garrett. She leaned her back against it, sliding down to sit on the tile. She hit the back of her head lightly against the door repeatedly.

She was in way too deep. It baffled Maddie how she could have the courage to cheat on her boyfriend, but not the courage to break up with him.

Maddie’s phone rang and she read the text from John, Everything okay?

She closed her eyes as a single tear rolled down her cheek. She only wrote back three words that John already expected.

I messed up.