Weak, But Not Defeated

The familiar ring tone filled Maddie’s small bedroom and she covered her ears with her pillow, curling up tightly under her comforter.

She looked at the clock that read 2:33 p.m. and sighed. She had no motivation to get out of bed at all. It had only been a day since Eric’s party. Her knee hurt from her torn ligament, her stomach hurt from hunger, and her eyes hurt from crying.

John had been calling her throughout the day, but she refused to answer. It’s not that she didn’t want to talk to him, but Garrett was the only thing on her mind. She had talked herself into just going to his house and demanding he speak to her many times, but she always fell short. Maddie was too weak to deal with the guilt in her heart.

She did not regret John, and she almost wished she did. It would make it easy to come up with words to say to Garrett. She could say it was a mistake, and beg for his forgiveness. But he didn’t deserve anymore lies.

Again her phone rang, but this time she froze as she heard the ring. She reached for the phone sitting on her nightstand and saw it was Garrett. She answered it on the last ring but didn’t say a word.

He heard her breathing and sighed, “So are you going to explain or just avoid me forever?”

Her mouth was dry as she spoke, “Can I come over?”

“Whatever,” he replied before hanging up.

A tear slid down Maddie’s cheek at Garrett’s cold tone. She put on jeans and an old hoodie before slipping her crutches under her arms and driving to Garrett’s.

His little sister answered the door, engulfing Maddie in a hug. “Maddie!” she yelped.

“Hey Emily,” she said, hugging the eight year old girl.

“Garrett is really mad at you,” she whispered.

Maddie frowned, “Is he in his room?”

“Yep,” she said, “Good luck.”

Maddie smiled weakly before making her way to Garrett’s room and knocking on the door. He barely opened it before he walked to the opposite side of the room, avoiding her eyes.

She shut the door behind her, “Garrett, I-”

“You had sex with him?” he asked quietly, his eyes looking out the window.

“Yes,” Maddie said in a not intended whisper.

He finally looked at her, “I can’t believe you.”

“I’m so sorry, Garrett. We just got caught up in the moment, and you told me you were going to break up with me, and I was sad…” she said, all at once.

“I didn’t think you were that kind of girl,” he said.

“I’m not, Garrett, you know that I’m not. It’s just… it’s John,” Maddie said.

He shook his head, “It’s always John, isn’t it? Do you know how many hours I spent convincing myself that I was the only one you wanted?”

“No,” she said quietly.

“You just couldn’t make up your damn mind, could you?” he asked, his voice steadily getting angrier.

“It wasn’t fair to you, I know,” Maddie said. She couldn’t fight Garrett now. He could yell and scream and call her horrible names, but she deserved it. She wouldn’t take them to heart or let them ruin her life, because anything he threw at her would surely be what she had already learned about herself in the past week.

“You were my best friend, Maddie. I know I wasn’t the best boyfriend I could have been but I held you together through all of that. I accepted it in high school when John randomly became your best friend, then I took you back when he dropped you. What did I do to deserve this?” he asked, begging for an answer that would put his conflicting emotions at ease.

“You weren’t John,” she told him, “And I didn’t realize that he was all I needed until it was too late.”

“I should have seen this coming,” he said, sitting on his bed.

Maddie sat next to him, happy to get off her crutches, “You were going to break up with me, Garrett.”

“I didn’t want to do it like that, though,” he said.

Maddie nodded her head and the room fell silent. She looked at Garrett and he met her eyes, “So what now?” she asked.

“You date John, right?” he said coldly.

“We won’t flaunt it,” she told him.

“That’s the least you could do,” he replied.

“Do you hate me?” she asked quietly.

“Honestly?” Garrett asked. Maddie nodded her head slowly, suddenly not so sure she wanted the truth. “It’s amazing how disappointed I am.”

“You’re the one person I’ve never wanted to her that from,” she said honestly.

“You’re the one person I never thought I’d have to say it to.”

Maddie knew she needed to leave before she broke down. She stood from his bed and walked to his bedroom door, “I’m sorry, Garrett.”

He stood and walked to her, his hands in his pockets, “Me too.”

She stayed looking into his eyes, a single tear falling down her cheek. She could see him contemplating whether or not to comfort her until he finally tore his eyes away from her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and she buried her face in his neck.

He kissed the top of her head as she pulled away, not meeting her eyes in fear she’d see the tears threatening to form, “I’ll see you.”

“Bye, Gary,” Maddie said before exiting his house.

She drove to John’s apartment in a rush, and when she arrived she practically fell into his arms. “Did you talk to Garrett?”

She nodded her head as they on the couch, “It sucked.”

“I’m proud of you for doing it,” he said, making circles on her knee with his index finger.

“You know we can’t be very public, right?”

“Why?” John asked.

“It’s not fair to him,” she said.

John lay back on the couch, “Why can’t we just be a normal couple?”

Maddie smiled lightly as she stretched out her legs and laid them on John’s lap, gently massaging her hurt knee. “Soon, we will be.”

“I’ll hold you up to that,” John smiled, leaning over to kiss her.

A knock came at the door and John sighed, gently moving Maddie’s legs so he could answer it. He opened the door and Pat pushed past him, walking right towards Maddie and jamming his finger in her face, “What did you do!?”

Maddie swore her heart stopped as she stared into Pat’s distressed eyes, “Pat…”

“Why did you do it!?” he yelled, “What did he do to you?”

“Pat, please don’t,” Maddie cried.

“No, Maddie, you broke him. He’s pretending like he’s okay but I know that he’s not!” Pat yelled.

“You think I don’t know that, Pat!?” she screamed, wishing she could stand and pace around the room but her knee prevented it. “I know Garrett better than even you; I know that he’s miserable.”

“But you’re still over here!?”

“He doesn’t want me there, Pat. Trust me,” Maddie said.

Pat turned to look at John, “He’s your band mate.”

John looked anywhere but Pat’s eyes, “I know.”

“You guys really screwed things up here,” he said condescendingly.

John looked at Maddie and saw the tears begin falling from her eyes. It hurt him to think how much she was hurting, and he couldn’t help but feel responsible. It was even worse that Pat was angry; John couldn’t remember a time that Pat was ever angry.

“I think you should leave, now,” John said, gesturing towards the door.

Pat begrudgingly walked towards the exit, turning around before he stepped out, “It’s an understatement to say I’m only disappointed.”

“We know, Pat,” John said sadly before pushing the door shut.

John joined Maddie back on his couch, wrapping her up in his arms as she let the tears fall. “We didn’t make a mistake, did we?” she asked wearily.

John lifted her chin with his fingertips, “Don’t you dare.”

“You know all of them are going to react like that, right?”

“They’ll have to see it coming, baby. It’s always been you and I. They all know it,” John said.

Maddie nodded her head, “I hope I didn’t just pull a Yoko Ono and break up the band.”

John chuckled softly, “I highly doubt it.”

“You guys leave for tour in just a couple of months. Things will be better then, right?” Maddie asked hopefully.

“Of course they will,” John told her what he honestly believed.

Maddie snuggled into John’s chest as he absentmindedly played with her hair. It was then that she realized that her life had finally made it on track. She had always had a vague semblance that things were never right so long as she wasn’t with John.

Now she knew that that feeling was correct. She wished things didn’t have to be like they were. Nothing in Maddie’s life had come easy since she returned home from her months in Oregon. With Garrett, John was always in the back of her mind. Now with John, she had to worry about Garrett’s feelings.

It seemed like a never ending cycle but as Maddie stared into John’s loving green eyes she knew that the cycle would always bring her right back to where she was right now, lying in his arms with a smile perpetually on her lips.