Weak, But Not Defeated

Maddie sat in the passenger seat of her father’s car, partially asleep at the early hour. They were traveling to the hospital for the surgery on her ACL. She wasn’t really too nervous for she had had this exact surgery three years ago, and the only thing really on her mind were her friends.

“I haven’t seen Garrett around in a while, where has he been?” her dad asked.

She sighed, figuring it was time to tell him, “We broke up.”

He glanced at his daughter, “So are you finally with John?”

“Dad!” she laughed.

“Well, I’m sorry, I like Garrett but its painfully obvious that John is in love with you,” he said simply.

“I’ll get back to you on that,” she replied, not really wanting to talk about it.

“What about the rest of your friends? That small, weird one that needs to cut his hair hasn’t been over in a while. And you and Kennedy barely speak when he drops off Emma.”

Maddie shrugged nonchalantly as she tried to not let tears come in her eyes, “They’re busy I guess.”

She was lying. It had been one week since everyone found out about Maddie and John, and she hadn’t spoken to any of their friends besides Caroline and Eric. The rest of John’s band refused to speak to her. It was like they were waiting for it to blow up her face so they could say that they told her so, especially Kennedy.

They arrived at the hospital and went through the pre-operation procedure. John was recording vocals for an EP this morning so that he could be there when Maddie awoke, but she wished he was here. Now she was beginning to get nervous.

But then she heard a voice that made her sit up. “She’s in here?”

The door opened and Eric Halvorsen stood grinning at her, “Did I catch you before they drugged you up?”

“Sure did,” she smiled, looking at her dad, signaling him to quietly step out to leave them alone.

“How you feeling?” he asked.

“I’m okay. Thanks for coming, I was scared I didn’t have any friends,” she told him honestly.

“I figured I needed to spend time with your dad, since I plan on marrying you when you get done with college,” he replied.

Maddie laughed, “How do you think John will feel about that?”

“He’s only in denial, right now, don’t worry,” he shushed her as the anesthesiologist entered. He spoke to Maddie before connecting her to an IV, instantly making her eyelids begin to droop.

“Have I mentioned that you’re my favorite?” she said groggily.

He smiled at her, leaning inc lose and grabbing her hand, “Maddie? I know this is a bad time but John isn’t going to be able to be here when you wake up.”

She stuck her bottom lip out in a pout, “Recording?”

He nodded his head, “And I won’t be here either.”

“Why?” she whined.

“I can’t get out of band practice,” he said. “I’ll be back later though, I promise.”

“Fine,” she said, trying not to show her extreme disappointment. None of her friends would be there when she woke up.

“John and I want you to know we love you,” he said, kissing her forehead, “Don’t die.”

She smiled at him, “I’ll try not to.”

*

Maddie’s eyelids fluttered open slowly. Her father was by her side, reading a magazine. When he heard her attempt to move he grabbed her hand.

“Hey sweetie, you made it through,” he smiled reassuringly.

She nodded her head, reaching for the cup of water at her side and taking a sip, instantly feeling better. “I’m cold.”

Her dad pulled the blanket up to her chin and she closed her eyes. Her entire leg was numb and she prayed that she wasn’t on morphine, it made her so sick.

Mr. Riggs left to go get the nurse to tell her that Maddie was awake, and that’s when Maddie realized how alone she was. She didn’t have anyone here to hold her hand except her dad. Things had gotten so messed up.

Maddie’s eyes were still closed when she heard the door open; not bothering to look and make sure it was her dad.

“Maddie?”

She opened her eyes, “Garrett?”

“Hey,” he smiled awkwardly, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m numb,” she replied, “What are you doing here?”

“Well I know John and Eric couldn’t come and I figured you would need someone,” he said.

“That’s really nice of you,” Maddie said. Garrett smiled sympathetically at her but she frowned.

“Garrett, I miss you,” she told him.

He sighed, “I miss you, too, Maddie.”

“We graduate in two weeks,” she said.

“Have you perfected your speech yet, Miss Valedictorian?”

She closed her eyes, shaking her head, “I have no clue what to say.”

“Talk about your life, talk about how John helped you pass all of your exams and basically got you where you are,” he shrugged, a hint of bitterness in his words.

“John wasn’t the only person who got me to where I am, Garrett,” she said honestly.

“Maddie, don’t tell me that, please,” he begged.

“It’s the truth. You put me back together, Gary,” she said.

“Yeah and then I drove you right back into John’s arms,” he sighed.

“Do you hate me, Garrett?” Maddie whispered, her chest tightening.

He leaned back in his seat, rubbing a hand over his face, “Have I ever hated you, Maddie?”

“It’s okay if you do, I mean, I understand,” she said.

“Maddie, I’m so angry, at you, at John, at myself. But I know that what you and John have is- it’s impossible to break. I just hoped that I could love you enough,” he said.

“I shouldn’t have ever dragged you into it,” she said, regret evident in the words she spoke, “I didn’t mean to break your heart. I have that necklace for you, by the way.”

“I don’t want it,” he responded, “You’re still the best friend I have, Madds. You screwed up, but we all have.”

“So, can we go back to what we used to be?” she asked hopefully.

“I don’t think I want to,” he told her, and Maddie swore her heart dropped to her feet.

“Why?” she asked, her voice cracking as she tried to gain control.

“You leave for college next month, Madds. Who knows the next time that I’ll see you,” he said, “I’m just trying to think logically. It would be easier if we weren’t as close.”

A tear fell down Maddie’s cheek and she reached for Garrett’s hand, “I’d rather miss you then worry about you every day.”

He squeezed her hand tightly, “We’ll see about that.”

“I love you, Garrett. Thank you for forgiving me,” she said.

He smiled at her, “I love you too, boo.”

Maddie’s heart jumped and a smile spread across her lips. The door to her room opened and the nurse entered.

She had Maddie rate her pain on a scale of one to ten. She lied and told her she was only at a three, willing to take the pain for as long as it was bearable. The nurse left and Garrett rolled his eyes at her, “Liar.”

“I’m only at like a six, I’m still mostly numb,” she shrugged.

Garrett shook his head and laughed. They both turned to look at the door as ip opened. Kennedy entered first, followed by Caroline.

“Hey baby girl!” Caroline greeted, hugging her.

“Thanks for coming, you guys,” Maddie said, glancing awkwardly at Kennedy.

He was looking anywhere but her eyes, mostly at the IVs and wires around her. Caroline bit her lip and sighed, “Baby, I’m going to go get some coffee. Come on, Garrett.”

“But-” he protested, but before he was able to continue she was already out the door, pulling Garrett with her.

“She forced you here, didn’t she?” Maddie asked.

“Yep,” he replied, collapsing down in the chair next to her bed.

“You can leave, then. It’s okay,” she said closing her eyes, feeling very tired and not willing to fight with him.

“I don’t want to be angry at you anymore,” he said.

“I’m not sure how to help you with that,” Maddie said sadly.

“You’re too good for any of us, Madeline,” he told her after a pause.

“That’s not true,” she said, shaking her head.

“Let me finish,” he said, “Being too good is what made everyone fall in love with you. And I can’t blame John for a second for wanting to keep you.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt everyone,” she said, “I love him, though.”

“I know you do,” he gave her a small smile. “No one hates you, Maddie.”

“I was so afraid none of you would come,” she told him, “It’s been a long week.”

Kennedy smiled as he walked to the door. He opened it before walking back to the side of her bed. A few seconds later Pat and Jared shuffled in, followed by Caroline and Garrett. Jared held flowers and Pat had a huge balloon.

She smiled at them, “You guys are too sweet.”

“We couldn’t stay angry at you for much longer, Madds, you’re just too dang cute,” Jared said.

“So are you guys,” she smiled.

“Madds, I’m sorry I blew up at you, I feel so awful,” Pat frowned.

“We deserved it, Pat. I’m sorry we put you all in the middle of this,” she said.

“Don’t worry about it, kid,” Jared said, “How do you feel?”

Maddie shrugged, “I’m starting to feel it.”

Maddie’s dad entered, “The doctor wants to go over some things with us before we take you home. So…”

“We’ll be going,” Kennedy said. “We will all come visit you tomorrow, Madds.”

Everyone hugged her goodbye and Garrett was the last to leave. He hugged her and kissed her forehead, “Call me if you need anything.”

She nodded her head and said goodbye. As the doctor went over the things she and her dad needed to know Maddie wasn’t listening.

Her friends meant the world to her. She had never felt so isolated or disheartened simply because her friends were disappointed. She and John had made it. They had made it through years of just being friends, to months of lying, to months of not even being friends, to finally being able to take advantage of their love.

Maddie loved John. He had stolen her heart when she was just a kid, but she had taken it back and unwittingly given it to Kennedy. When she was finally ready for John to keep it, he ripped it out and threw it on the ground, and she was sure she would never recover.

But then Garrett put her back together. Unbeknownst to her at the time, Garrett was her saving grace. He had loved her at the right time, and when no one else knew what they were feeling Garrett was unfailing.

It wasn’t enough, though, because John would always be the right one for her. The timing was never right and their feelings never matched until now.

Everything in Maddie’s life had happened to get her to where she and John were now. It was impossible to regret the events that had transpired, for they made her who she was at this moment.

And now she was ready. Ready to willingly give her heart to a man that might break it, but would hopefully just love her in return.

*
The next morning, Maddie felt the pain writhing in her left knee. It was unbearable without the pain medicine that made her so loopy.

Her phone rang next to her and she answered it groggily, “Hello?”

“Madeline, are you feeling okay?” Eric asked.

“I just took some pills, so I suppose,” she said.

“Yes! We’re so coming over. All of the guys and I. You are so hilarious,” he said. Maddie could hear him shouting to the boys around him.

“That’s okay, Eric. I’m not in the mood right now. Maybe later you can call come over and make fun of me.”

He sighed, “Fine. I’ll call you later darling.”

She hung up without saying goodbye and pulled her comforter over her head. She didn’t know when she fell asleep but she woke up to someone shuffling under the comforter with her.

“John?”

“Hey, baby,” he smiled, resting his head on his arm.

“Why didn’t you come see me earlier?” Maddie asked.

“I came last night and you were asleep. I’ve been here for a few hours today,” he told her.

“How did recording go?” she asked after a long yawn.

“Fantastic. Your surgery went well, too right? Your dad told me that you’re allowed to walk in just a few days.”

“Yeah, I should be fine by graduation,” she said.

“Are you excited?” John asked, moving closer to her, taking her hand.

“I’m so nervous. I hope I don’t screw up,” Maddie bit her lip.

“You won’t, baby. You can just find me in the crowd and I’ll flash you this flawless grin and all will be okay,” he said with a smile.

Maddie rolled her eyes before speaking, “John, are you my boyfriend?”

“I sure hope so,” he laughed. Maddie closed her eyes and let out a breath, feeling nauseas from her pain pill. It was starting to take its toll on her but she needed to have this conversation with him.

“I just- I want you to know that I’m in, John. I’m all in.”

He took in a breath, “You should go to sleep, Maddie.”

She frowned, “John, say something.”

“We’ll talk when you’re more coherent about things, okay?” he said, placing a hand on her cheek and kissing her softly.

“What does that mean?” she asked tiredly.

“Don’t worry, baby. I promise we’ll talk later.”

Maddie’s heart was protesting but her mind was just so tired. She made a mental note to remember that they needed to talk, not that she was even sure what they exactly needed to talk about. But before she could even worry her mind won and she was off to sleep, with John still holding her hand.