Weak, But Not Defeated

Maddie lay next to John, wrapped up in his sheets as he snored lightly. His body heat kept her warm in the chilled apartment as her head rested on his chest. The constant grin on her lips was making her cheeks hurt. Graduation was in two days. Two weeks after that she’d be off to Harvard, and after that she had no idea.

A thought struck in Maddie’s head. She lifted her head and tapped John’s chest, waking him up. He stretched out and smiled at her, “Hi, baby.”

“Good morning,” she said. “John, I think we’re about due to talk about something.”

He pretended to play dumb, “What are you talking about?”

“About what you wanted to talk about before I passed out last week. I asked you if you were my boyfriend and you said we need to talk. Let’s talk,” she said.

He sat up and she followed suit. John ran a hand through his hair, “You remember.”

“Just talk, John,” she said, trying to not get annoyed.

“Maddie, do you know how far Boston is?” he asked.

“Too far,” she replied.

“Exactly. It’s too far for… this, Maddie,” he said gently.

“You cannot be serious,” she whispered to herself.

“Maddie, I love you, you know that. But I think for us to say we’re official is just too much. We won’t last. We’ll fight and I’ll miss you too much,” John said.

“Then why the hell are we doing this!?” Maddie said, raising her voice.

“Because I’m in love with you and you’re in love with me! It’s that simple,” he said, “But you need to go to college and experience what you’re supposed to.”

“But I don’t want to,” she said.

John sighed. He knew she was wrong. She may feel like this now but when she was in Boston and attending parties and not being able to do what she should be able to. Maddie deserved to be free, she deserved to be with someone other than John, which was his reasoning, anyways.

But he knew he would have to lie, so he did, “Well, I want to experience what I can on tour.”

Maddie stared at him, shaking her head, “You don’t mean that.” He opened his mouth to speak but she beat him to it, “Give me the next two weeks, John, please. Don’t do this to me now.

He sighed as she saw right through him, “You’re right, I don’t mean that. And I will give you more than two weeks Maddie; I’ll give you a lifetime if we could just stay here. But you can’t leave your heart in Arizona, Madeline, because I’m not leaving mine.”

*

Maddie studied her reflection in the full length mirror in front of her. Her brown hair was curled loosely and her eyes were lightly dusted with makeup. She wore a floral print strapless dress that clung to her body tight enough so that it could be hidden underneath her black gown.

Graduation caps didn’t look good on anyone, but Maddie couldn’t help but smile at the reflection. She was officially graduating, and it terrified her to the fullest. In two weeks she would get on a plane and fly off to Boston to get settled before the year started.

She didn’t like the way that realization made her feel. She and John had had a wonderful two weeks, using their time to the fullest. But there was always that elephant in the room; the fact that in two more short weeks their time would be up, and they would have to confront the issue they were avoiding.

“Madds, are you ready?” John asked from the other side of the door.

She took one last look before taking her worn piece of paper off of her desk and stuffing it in the pocket of the gown. She opened the door and John smiled, “Hello my little graduate.”

Maddie kissed him softly and kept their lips close as she whispered, “I’m nervous.”

He gave her an encouraging smile, “You’ll do great, baby.”

She sighed before taking his hand and walking down the stairs of her home. Her knee still gave her a raw pain, but it was bearable without medicine.

Her mom waited at the foot of the stairs, a camera in hand. She smiled widely as she reached for her daughter’s hand, taking her away from John.

“Madeline, you are the most wonderful daughter I could ask for,” her mom said, tears choking her.

Maddie smiled at her, “I’m glad you could be here, mommy.”

It had been a long journey from when her mom had attempted to take her own life. It was the only thing that brought Maddie back, and if it wasn’t for that event, she honestly didn’t know if she would have come back at all.

“Okay, picture time!” her mom said, clapping her hands together, ushering all of the family members of the graduating kids into the living room.

“Garrett Nickelsen and Patrick Kirch if you don’t smile in these pictures I will personally punch you,” Maddie’s dad said, instantly making the boys straighten up.

Maddie stood in the middle of the two boys who were her very first friends when she moved here eight years ago. She loved them more than she could express, and it made her heart hurt to think of leaving them.

“Okay, Maddie and Garrett, give me one of just you two,” Garrett’s mom directed.

The two stood close and glanced at one another awkwardly. Maddie sighed, “Please make this normal.”

His lips crept into a smile as he wrapped his arms around her waist, picking her up. She straddled his waist with her thin legs and they placed their cheeks against one another’s with ridiculous smiles on their faces.

“That’s the Maddie and Garrett I remember,” Garrett’s mom said, snapping a picture.

Maddie glanced at John as he sat talking to Pat’s older brother, Tim. He caught her eyes and smiled at her, making her glad that he showed no jealousy.

“Okay kids, let’s get you to the arena, we don’t want Maddie to be late for her speech!” Pat’s mom squealed, pushing them out the door.

Garrett’s mom drove the graduates, Maddie sitting in the front seat after an intense game of rock, paper, scissors.

“So, Maddie, am I going to be mentioned in your speech?” Garrett asked, leaning forward and nudging her shoulder.

She shrugged, “I guess you’ll see.”

“I better be in it, boo,” he said.

She dismissed his comment and continued to practice the speech in her head. Her class consisted of about 400 students, and the graduation was being held in Arizona State’s sports arena.

The three made their way up to the back entrance to meet the line of students in alphabetical order. There was about half an hour before they needed to be completely lines up, and Maddie stood next to Garrett in the backstage area.

“Boo, you leave for Boston in two weeks,” Garrett said sadly.

“Don’t remind me,” she sighed.

“You should have just gone to Arizona State, and then you and John could have lived happily ever after,” Garrett said, “And I guess I could deal with keeping you around.”

“I thought you didn’t want to become close,” Maddie said regrettably, throwing his words back in his face.

“I sort of realized that’s impossible,” he told her simply, wrapping his arm over her shoulder, “Who could stay away from this face?”

Maddie rolled her eyes and then frowned, “Can I tell you a secret?”

Garrett grinned, “Please.”

“John told me that he doesn’t want to be official,” she said quietly.

“Wait, you aren’t official? What the hell?” Garrett questioned.

“I guess not, I mean it’s just been fun. But I brought it up a few days ago and that’s what he told me,” she said.

“How are you holding it together right now?” he asked, caressing her back lightly.

“I’m just angry, or in denial, I haven’t really decided. John has ruined a lot of things for me, he won’t ruin today,” she told him confidently.

“Just don’t forget that he also made things a lot better for you as well. Everything happens for a reason, boo,” Garrett said.

She nodded her head and they stood silently. Eventually a small girl came and tapped Garrett on the shoulder gently, “Hey, I think it’s time for us to get in line.”

He smiled at her, “Amy, this is Maddie.”

Maddie smiled at the petite red head, “Nice to meet you.”

“You too. Garrett talks about you quite a bit,” she said, smiling at him.

Maddie smiled at Garrett, giving him a wayward glance, “Excuse us, just one second Amy.”

Maddie pulled Garrett aside, wrapping her arm around his shoulder, “So, Amy huh?”

“Oh don’t give me that look. We’ve just been talking a little bit,” he shrugged.

“You like her!” Maddie laughed.

“So what!?” he defended.

She smiled, “She’s cute.”

“I know,” he grinned, “And we’ve got the cute thing where she fits right under my chin. It’s sort of adorable,” he said happily.

Maddie placed a hand on her chest dramatically, smiling proud, “I’m so happy for you!”

“Um, I can definitely hear you guys back here,” Amy said, chuckling nervously.

The two turned around, showing no emotion to cover up their conversation, “Well, good talk,” Garrett said, patting Maddie on the back roughly.

He stuck his arm out and Amy linked her arm with his as they walked off. Maddie shook her head before walking to her place at the front of the line. The graduates walked out, Maddie and the salutatorian got to sit on stage near the principal.

She watched at Garrett and Amy walked in together, she laughing at some joke that probably wasn’t that funny. It was cute, and it made Maddie feel so happy for him.

The principal gave his address before turning it over to the salutatorian. The boy gave his speech, talking about his parents and the wonderful things he has experienced, but Maddie was barely listening.

She scanned the arena and easily found his bright eyes. He sat next to her parents on his right, and Eric on his left. Kennedy sat with Jared a row up. Pat sat with the students a few rows away from Garrett, and Caroline was in the front row. Maddie had located all of her friends, and her nerves slowly calmed as the salutatorian was applauded when he finished.

Maddie walked shakily up to the podium, setting her paper down and straightening it out. Once again she looked up at John as he gave her a small smile.

“My name is Madeline Riggs, and I’m your valedictorian. I know all of you recognize my last name, and yeah, I am Carly’s little sister,” Maddie said, letting out a breath as she grew more comfortable.

“My older sister died over a year ago, and I’m not sure I had ever fully recovered until just a few months ago. School was hard. I took two months away and I had to work my butt off to get here. But then I realized that school is always hard. It’s stressful and time-consuming, and let’s face it, seventy-five percent of it is pointless.

“High school is a place that you make friends that you may or may not keep for the rest of your life. I’m lucky enough to have made these friends. But one of them has been the most important in my life. He’s the boy that is the best friend I have ever have. He was there in the lowest part of my life, and was the reason for the best of it.”

Maddie stared down at the paper her speech was written on. She crumpled it up with one hand and continued speaking, “Garrett Daniel Nickelsen is my rock. He has been able to see things that I’ve never seen in myself. He keeps me stable even when I treat him like dirt. I met him when I was ten years old, when he tore apart my model of the solar system. When we were fifteen I fell in love with someone else, and he put up with that as well. Then when Carly died, and when the boy I loved turned out to not be the right one, he was there too.

“These friends that I’ve made are what will carry me, I’m positive. Garrett has me on this pedestal that I used to resent, but now I embrace. You-You can’t get anywhere without your friends, I learned that the hard way. And my fellow classmates, don’t take them for granted. Love with all you have and don’t forget who got you to where you are. If you made it here by yourself, then all the power to you. But there is one person who I owe this all to.” Maddie took in a breath as she stared into his eyes, seeing his vulnerability and the love.

“Garrett Nickelsen, thank you for being my rock. I’ll miss you every day that I’m away. And there’s only one last thing I want to say. I read somewhere that you should put a quote in these sort of speeches. One that really means a lot, said by someone who everyone can identify with. But everything I read was so cliché and the only thing on my mind was something a friend of mine said once.”

Maddie tore her eyes from Garrett and looked at John. He was slouched in his seat, looking so hurt and just utterly confused. But Maddie felt strong. She had started this year weak and without John. Now the fear of losing John didn’t defeat her, it made her strong. Maddie could do this, she didn’t want to and she hoped she didn’t have to, but she knew she could.

She shifted her gaze back to her class and a tear came to her eyes as she began to spoke the words that described her life so adequately,

“We all have been degraded; we all will be the greatest.”