Weak, But Not Defeated

Garrett led Maddie out of the venue and to her car. He took the keys from her bag and drove her car to his house. She sat silently in the passenger seat, having drained herself from tears in the last few days.

When they reached Garrett’s house Maddie went to sit on the couch while Garrett brought ice cream from the kitchen. He handed her a pint of Chunky Monkey and a spoon.

“Thanks,” she said quietly. Garrett smiled and sat down next to her. “So,” Maddie rubbed her hand over her face, “That was the song.”

“I’m so sorry, Madds,” Garrett apologized.

Maddie shrugged as she ate a spoonful of ice cream, “I’m not mad at you or the guys.” She lay back against the couch and stretched her arms out. “Wow, I’m so embarrassed.”

“Well, at least now you know,” Garrett tried to find the silver lining.

“Yeah, at least now I know the guy I’m in love with will never love me back,” she buried her face in her hands. “I should have never left. I should have stayed and dealt with my problems, and I should have forgiven John sooner.”

“Don’t start regretting things, Madeline,” Garrett said forcefully. “If you wouldn’t have left you would have never found the will to forgive… anyone.”

Maddie nodded her head, “I don’t know where to go from here.”

“I think you need to come to my New Year’s party and find a new boy to become interested in,” Garrett smiled.

Maddie chuckled, “I love you, Garrett, but I will most definitely not find a new guy to become interested in. I think I am kind of un-dateable right now.”

Garrett playfully scoffed, “I’m not talking about a relationship. I’m talking rebound.”

“That’s trashy,” she said.

“That’s practical,” he clarified, “You just need some loving Maddie, that is what it’s come down to.”

“I’ll just call you when I’m in need of some loving, Gare,” Maddie said.

“Why? Because you think I’m sexy?” Garrett wiggled his eyebrows.

Maddie laughed, “And convenient,” she said, taking a bite of ice cream.

Garrett rolled his eyes, “You just keep telling yourself that you don’t want me, I know the truth.”

“Um, excuse me,” Maddie defended, “I seem to recall trying to kiss you the day after my birthday. Remember?”

Garrett laughed, “Oh… yeah.”

“And you pushed me off, so your loss buddy,” Maddie said.

Garrett took Maddie’s spoon from her and sunk it in the ice cream, “I was a stupid boy then.” He raised the spoon to his mouth and ate the ice cream suggestively with a smile on his lips.

“Please, stop,” Maddie laughed.

Garrett laughed too, “Fine. Anyways, I think you need to lay low with John, for a while anyways.”

“No more professing my love on his doorstep. Got it,” Maddie said.

“Just enjoy your break. Because midterms start two weeks after we get back,” Garrett said.

Maddie groaned, “Oh god. I haven’t done any of my makeup work. I have to go home!” she said suddenly standing up.

“Okie dokie,” Garrett said, “Call me, baby.” He winked and Maddie laughed as she walked out of his house.

The next day Maddie woke up at nine-thirty a.m. and made her way downstairs. Her parents had gone to Phoenix to spend some kind of romantic day together and had left her with money. They told her to take herself out for some breakfast.

She looked at the calendar, it was Sunday. So she went to iHop as she did traditionally, alone again. She expected him to be there, probably with Courtney, and probably just to spite her.

*
John took a sip of coffee from a small white cup as he watched her car pull into the parking spot next to his. He took in a breath as she walked past his booth and was sat in the one right next to his. The waiter sat her in the seat far from John. She was facing the back of his head and swore he could feel her burning holes into it.

As soon as she ordered her chocolate milk John stood up, straightening out his shirt. He turned on the heel of his foot to face her. “May I join you?”

Maddie looked up from her menu, “Um, why?”

“To talk,” he said quietly.

She nodded her head slowly, she was confused. They sat in silence for about a minute before Maddie said, “What did you want to talk about?”

“I wanted to apologize for embarrassing you,” he said.

Maddie let out a small laugh, “Which time?” she studied her menu.

“Both times,” John said.

Maddie closed her menu and sat it in front of her, “You’re doing this wrong,” she told him.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re not supposed to say you’re sorry the day after you do something. You’re supposed to wait, so that when you do apologize I actually believe you slightly regret it,” Maddie said, being very formal.

“I never said I regretted anything,” John said. Maddie was taken aback at his response and couldn’t think of anything to say, so he continued, “Maddie, I meant everything I said.”

“Is this necessary?” she asked, she wasn’t looking at him and she was starting to get anxious. John watched her fingers tapping against the table before he put his hand on top hers to calm her.

“I want us to be okay,” he reassured her.

She turned her head to look at him, “Oh, really? Yeah, you made that very clear by telling a room full of over a hundred kids that it was the end. Good job,” Maddie gave him a thumb up.

“I meant it was the end of what we used to be. I’m willing to be your friend, again, Maddie,” he said.

“Why do you get to control what happens? It’s not fair, not in the least,” Maddie said.

“Maddie…” John tried to calm her.

“No,” she said, raising her voice. “You can’t just come in here and expect me to fall at your feet when you tell me you want to be friends,” she crossed her arms over her chest. “Well you know what, no. You don’t get to decide. “

“What do you want from me, Maddie?”

“I want my best friend back!” she exclaimed loudly.

“Then be my friend first!” John said his voice at the same volume as hers. He closed his lips tightly after he spoke, unsure if he had said the wrong thing.

Maddie took a deep breath and reached into her purse, “I brought you something.” She handed him a folded piece of paper. “Read it, please.”

“Right now?” he asked.

Maddie nodded her head and he opened the letter.

Letter # 54-August 15, 2008

Dear John,

Ha, I’ll never get over that whole Dear John thing. I think it’s hilarious even if you just think I’m stupid. Anyways, I’m on my flight to England right now. We just flew over Denver. Oh how I miss those winter days. We definitely need to go visit your Grandma and go snowboarding again. This time I’ll try not to break my arm.

Well, I’m pretty excited for England, not gonna lie. But I think I’m going to miss you way too much. I’ll miss your smiling face and the way you hug me. I’ll miss you calling me baby and how you always make me chocolate chip pancakes when you stay over. I’m going to miss seeing you and Carly fight over the stupidest things, and I’m going to miss you and Kennedy always wrestling.

I’ll miss our Sundays at iHop. I think you should still go, start bringing Carly along or something. She used to love going with us, maybe you could ask her again?

I saw a picture of the beach recently and it made me think of that one time Jared’s older brother took all of us to California for a weekend. I was fourteen, you were fifteen. Carly didn’t go on that trip, remember? That was when she stared falling away from us. Anyway, on that trip, you and all the guys met a group of girls. They were all locals and you thought they were the hottest things. I must admit, I was so jealous. Because I still totally had a huge crush on you and was just barely starting to like Kennedy.

You guys all had a date planned, and I got really sick the morning of. I was hold up in bed all day, and when it came time for your date, you stayed behind to take care of me. You made me soup and watched cheesy movies with me. You held my hair back when I threw up, and got me tissues whenever I needed them.

You’re my best friend, John O’Callaghan. I wish I would’ve never given up my crush on you. Because, I think deep down, you like me too. You would never hurt me; that much I know. I fell in love with Kennedy and he rejected me.

That being said, I’m not going to send this letter. I feel really stupid and if you don’t like me as I thought, I don’t really feel like getting rejected twice in one day. Maybe I’ll show you this sometime when I’m comfortable enough.

Just know that I love you, John. I know I should have picked you to fall in love with, because even though you don’t feel the same, you would have held my heart and carried it to a comfortable place, and I only realized it too late.

John looked at Maddie when he read the last words. “I always wondered why your letters went from number fifty-three to number fifty-five.”

“I kept all the letters we sent, John,” Maddie said.

“So did I,” John said quietly.

“I have the very first one, where you told me you hated my guts.”

“You broke my pet rock!” John smiled.

“After you read everyone the story I wrote for you!” Maddie laughed.

John’s face turned serious, “Why did you show me this?”

“Because, I never sent that letter, and I’m pretty sure you never sent one either. Your letters skipped a number, too.”

John’s heart started to beat faster as the memories came rushing back, “Number eighty-one.”

“What did it say?” Maddie asked.

“It doesn’t matter, Maddie. I don’t feel that way anymore,” John said.

Maddie hung her head, “I do not believe you.”

“I wrote you letters while you were in Oregon, every day you were gone,” John confessed.

Maddie smiled lightly at the irony, “So did I.”

“I don’t think you want to read them,” John said, recalling the anger he felt while he wrote those letters.

Maddie chuckled, thinking the exact same thing John was, “You don’t want to read mine either.”

John thought for a moment before he spoke again, “I’ll make you a deal. Every few days, we write each other letters.”

“About what?” she asked.

John shrugged, “About our days, how we’re feeling, if we do anything to piss each other off. I think it will help.”

“Help us become best friends again?” Maddie asked.

“Help us become friends again,” John corrected.

“How about you write me a letter, and in return, sometimes I’ll send you a letter that I have saved, to prove that we were best friends,” she suggested.

John sighed, knowing he had no choice but to say yes if he wanted this to work, “Fine.”

Maddie smiled lightly, still not completely satisfied. She hated how John made it so easy to be nice to him. She should still be angry, she should hate him.

“Maddie, I hope you know that with that song, I was only trying to express how I felt. You weren’t listening to me any other way,” John said.

Maddie nodded her head, “Why do you think I dressed in that outfit and stood in shorts in the middle of winter with a guitar in my hands? I had something to say too.”

John smiled crookedly, “If it helps, you did really great.”

“It doesn’t, but thanks,” she laughed.

They sat in silence as their food came. John had ordered her favorite in advance, knowing Maddie would come.

“John?” Maddie asked.

“Yeah?” he stuffed a forkful of hash browns in his mouth.

“Are you dating Courtney?” Maddie asked timidly.

“It’s… complicated,” he said.

Maddie let out a laugh, “More complicated than this?”

John smiled, “I guess we kind of are, I don’t know, she’s just nice to have around.”

“Kind of like free prostitution? I understand completely,” Maddie said.

John laughed, “Be nice,” he told her.

Maddie rolled her eyes, “So, what are… we exactly?”

John put this fork down and looked into her eyes, “Right now, I think we are acquaintances who could be friends in the future. But it’s all up to you, Maddie. I don’t get control over this, remember?”

Maddie nodded her head and the two finished their breakfast. They walked to their cars and said goodbye formally, just like acquaintances who could be friends in the future would do.

But as they drove away in opposite directions John and Maddie’s hearts were stuck in the same place; inside those letters.