Place to Rest

Knowing that you’re going to die is one of the scariest things in the world.

Knowing that any second you could close your eyes; never to open them again, never to see the shining light of the sun or feel the wind licking at your back.

Never to feel what it was like to love; what it was like to smile. Never to experience the rush of happiness, the shock of surprise or even feel the rippling waves of sadness rush through your body.

Just life, then darkness.

Nothing.

When I found out I was dying, I was scared. No, I wasn’t just scared, I was terrified. My eyes had never experienced such a need to cry, my body such a need to fall down and my lips such a need to shout and scream. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted the light to stay forever, to continue to shine through my blue eyes, and I wanted the feeling of being alive to never leave me.

Then the fear left, and the denial set in.

The denial didn’t last long. I think I knew deep down that my time was up, that there was no point left in me being there. I’d never amounted to anything, and I knew that as much as I wanted to deny it, no one would really care.

So the denial left, and in came acceptance.

I was going to die.

~~~~~

The rain dripped down my clothed back, drenching my ripped shirt and my dirty pants. I could feel the heaviness of the material clinging at my body, and I could feel my wet, tangled locks of dark hair sticking to my face. My bleary blue eyes glanced out at the ocean, watching as the waves crashed onto the shore, admiring the simple beauty of such an action. I felt myself smile as I watched it, my eyes tracing the movements of the sparkling water.

For a second, I wished I could walk into it and never come out.

It wasn’t that I wanted to die, or that I wanted to give in.

It was that I wanted to die feeling something other than pain. I wanted to die to the sounds of the seagulls, to the sounds of the waves crashing on the sandy shore and with the taste of the salty water in my mouth.

I wanted to have a choice.

But I didn’t.

Time seemed to slow as I sat there, almost as if it was waiting for me, giving me a little bit longer to experience the sun’s light. I could hear the patter of footsteps coming up behind me, but I didn’t look up, my eyes continuing to stare at the rushing ocean with awe.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

My tired eyes glanced up, meeting a pair of emerald green ones. I was almost startled at the deepness and vibrancy of them, and I forced myself to look away before I once more became attached to something I could never have.

I slowly nodded, bringing my knees to my chest. I hugged my arms around my legs, resting my chin on the top of my knees.

“What brings you here?”

His voice was velvety and soft, the type you heard on ads or in movies. I didn’t want to look up, but I couldn’t help it.

My eyes met the green ones, and I felt a strong urge to look away. His dark black hair was hanging in his face, a pair of metallic snakebites sitting beneath his mouth. “Don’t pretend like it’s not obvious,” I said blankly, before forcing myself to look away.

I felt him sit beside me, too close for my taste. From the corner of my eye I could see him looking at me; examining me, and then I saw something I never wanted to see.

Sympathy.

He let out a soft chuckle, giving me a sidelong glance. “It’s not nice to judge on first impressions,” he said tenderly, his green eyes probing into my face.

This time I turned to look at him, my eyes emotionless as I stared at his face. “And what are your first impressions on me?”

I couldn’t help it; I was curious.

He let out a sigh, giving me a small, tender smile. “Homeless. Hungry,” he listed, and I felt my body stiffen. “Beautiful.”

My eyes widened, and a blush filled my cheeks. I immediately glanced away, my eyes once more tracing the ocean’s movement. “What are your impressions of me?” he asked quietly, a small smile sitting on his lips.

I thought silently, wondering whether I should answer. I knew it was wrong to create ties to a person I didn’t know; a person I would leave, but something told me to answer.

“You look like you have it all,” I whispered quietly, refusing to look up through the clouds of my hair. The rain continued to fall down my face, but I didn’t care.

He let out a sigh, looking away from me. “Not everything.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, before he broke it again. “My name’s Zach,” he told me, all traces of sadness gone from his voice. He glanced at me quickly, but I refused to meet his eyes.

Don’t tell him. It creates ties, you’re just going to le-

“Riley,” I said softly, still not looking his way.

He looked at me for a moment, as if tasting the sound of my name on his lips.

“Would you like something to eat, Riley?” he asked slowly, his eyes clouded as if awaiting my refusal.

I glanced up at him, pushing the wet strands of chocolate hair away from my face. I stared at him for a little bit, as if I was gauging whether I could trust him or not, whether he was doing this simply to taunt me. His eyes never left my face, waiting silently for my answer.

“I don’t need your charity,” I said quietly, a drizzle of water dripping down my cheek.

He frowned at me, his teeth toying with the pieces of metal below his mouth. “You’ve never been asked out, have you?” he concluded finally, a teasing smile sitting on his lips.

It was my time to frown, looking up at him through tired eyes. “Asked out?”

He stood up, and for a second I thought he was going to leave, until he held his hand out at me, ignoring the rain that wet his skin. “Come on, Riley,” he smiled, his emerald eyes watching my movement.

Don’t take it. You’re just going to di-

I took his hand.

~~~~~

Weeks passed. Zach came back everyday, whether taking me out to eat, sitting there with me and watching the waves or showing me to his friends.

They didn’t judge me. They accepted me. And I’d never been happier in my whole life.

I often wondered if he noticed. If he noticed the way my eyes were slowly losing colour, the way my skin was becoming paler or the way my steps were becoming wearier, and the swagger in my walk. I wondered if he knew what was happening, if he knew who I really was.

I knew I was selfish by not telling him, but I felt as thought the happiness I was feeling was my way of letting go. I didn’t want him to leave me.

~~~~~

We were sitting inside, the light of the moon shining in through the open window, the soft sound of the dancing fire filling our ears. He was playing me a song on his guitar, singing the words so softly that I knew he was embarrassed.

I listened silently, allowing his words to fill my ears and swirl around my body, warming every part of me. My favourite thing to do with him was to listen to him sing and play the guitar, and although he was often embarrassed, I knew if I asked he would play. That was who he was.

He finished off, and his vibrant eyes looked up from the guitar to my face, a small smile sitting on his lips. “You like it?” he asked, and I knew by looking in his eyes that my answer would mean something to him.

I nodded. “I loved it.”

His smile turned into a grin, his green eyes sparkling. He slowly put down his guitar and walked over to me, sitting on the carpet beside me.

We sat in silence for a few moments, before I became aware of his eyes on my face. “Have you ever been kissed, Riley?” he asked quietly, his voice shaky and almost in a whisper.

My breath became caught in my throat, and I slowly forced myself to shake my head. “I meant what I said when we first met,” he continued softly, his eyes never leaving my face. “You’re beautiful.”

With that said he slowly leaned forwards, his lips brushing against my own, sending warmth through my body. He pushed them further for a second before pulling away, leaving my lips tingling.

He stayed just inches away from my face for a moment, our eyes locked in an intense gaze. He slowly reached up to caress my cheek, and I could see him gulp. “I really like you, Riley,” he breathed, his warm, minty breath tickling my face.

I gulped, my mouth becoming suddenly dry. Because I knew in that second, there was no going back.

Let him down, Riley. You’re just going to di-

“I like you too,” I croaked.

~~~~~

I was becoming weaker.

Somehow, at the same time, my heart was becoming stronger, every minute spent with Zach becoming just another wall that was destroyed.

But I didn’t care.

The waves didn’t matter anymore. Nor did the sunlight, the wind or the seagulls.

Just Zach.

Just the flutter of my heart, the tingles on my skin, the taste of him on my lips and the sweet words that escaped his mouth.

They became my lifeline.

But even that wouldn’t be enough.

~~~~~

“What do you want to show me, Zach?” I giggled, my hand clutching at his own.

I allowed him to lead me through the darkness, just like he had guided me through life. I trusted him.

“Sit down,” he said quietly, and I obeyed him. His hand dropped from my own and the tingles left my body, but I remained silent.

“Open your eyes.”

I did. And what I saw was Zach sitting there, a guitar in his hands, his green eyes staring into my own. I opened my mouth to ask him what was happening but he cut me off, his eyes sparkling with uncertainty. “I wrote you a song,” he said softly, a blush filling his cheeks.

A large grin lit up my face, and noticing this, he smiled too. “Play,” I breathed, my blue eyes glowing.

And he did.

”I found a place to rest my head,

It’s against your cheek.

I found a place to rest my heart,

It’s in your small hands.

I found a way to love again,

It’s kissing your soft lips.

I found a reason to live again,

Just by looking in your eyes.”

The song went on, and I felt small tears dripping down my cheeks at his words. My heart was burning, as if on fire as I watched him, my whole body filled with an incredible warmth. My stomach was fluttering, my eyes clouded with unshed tears.

He came to a stop, glancing up slowly from his guitar, his eyes softening at my face.

I knew what I had to do. Somehow, I couldn’t keep it in.

Don’t do it. He’ll le-

“I’m dying,” I croaked.

~~~~~

Weeks passed. Zach never came back to the bench, and slowly, my heart became weaker, and it became harder to open my eyes.

My tears seemed endless, and the pain in my heart seemed to never stop. I was no longer aware of my breathing, of my heartbeat, just the numbness that swallowed me.

Tears drizzled down my pale cheeks as I stared at the ocean, no longer awed by its beauty. Nothing seemed beautiful to me anymore. The world seemed almost empty, as if I had already passed my time.

“I meant what I said.”

The voice startled me, and I looked up to see the familiar green eyes, my heart panging as I looked into them. They were clouded by sadness, his emerald eyes pained at they stared at my body, as if suddenly noticing how weak I was.

I looked away, my eyes going back to the ocean. I felt him sit beside me, closer this time, but somehow, he wasn’t close enough.

“I love you, Riley,” he whispered, a tear dropping down his cheek. I looked back at him, my heart overcome with pain at the sadness and sincerity in his eyes. “I came here, because at a distance, I felt as through I could see into you. I felt as though I could feel your pain, and somehow, I just wanted to fix it. But you slowly became a part of me, and now, now…” he stopped, shaking his head as a tear trickled down his cheek. “Please don’t die, Riley. Please,” he croaked, his eyes never leaving my face, burning as though they were begging me to promise him.

But I couldn’t.

All I could do was whisper the words that I knew would somehow break his heart.

“I love you too, Zach.”

~~~~~

This time, he didn’t leave. He stayed with me every day, holding me, kissing me, singing to me. He thought his love could make me stronger, but only I knew that it couldn’t.

I was too weak.

~~~~~

It was two weeks later that I collapsed. That I felt my eyes urging me strongly to close, my heartbeat slowing and my body becoming too weak to even move.

Zach found me, tears dripping down his face as he ran to my side, clutching me against his body. “Stay with me, Riley,” he croaked, kissing my lips desperately. “Stay here with me. You can do it.”

I couldn’t.

My eyes wanted to close so badly, and breathing was becoming too difficult to manage. Pain was filling my body, my every pore, my every being.

But not my heart. My heart was burning.

”I found a place to rest my head,” I croaked silently, forcing myself to look into his eyes.

“It’s against your cheek.”

His tears were flowing faster, dropping onto my face, wetting my skin. “Don-“

“I found a place to rest my heart,” I continued, my voice wobbly with the effort I was putting in.

“It’s in your hands.”

He reached up to caress my cheek, his eyes staring into mine desperately. “Riley, plea-“

“I found a way to love again,
It’s k-kissing your soft lips.”

With all of my strength I lifted my shaking hand up, rubbing it across his cheeks, savouring the touch.

“I found a reason to let go,” I whispered, and he shook his head defiantly at my words.

“No. I won’t let yo-“

“Just looking in your eyes,” I finished softly, my eyes struggling to stay open.

“Riley, don’t do this! Stay with me! You have to! Please!” he sobbed, his hands clutching desperately at my frail body. “I love you, Riley. Stay with me.”

But I couldn’t.

Just like in everything else in my life, I was too weak.

The love in my heart wasn’t enough.

“I l-love you, Zach,” I croaked, bringing my lips to his for one last kiss.

“R-Riley, I n-need you. R-Riley, please…”

My eyes fluttered shut, my whole body becoming suddenly heavy. “Open your eyes Riley! God damn it, open your eyes!”

I didn’t.

I rested my head against his chest, allowing his heartbeat to calm my body.

And I didn’t die feeling pain, just like I thought I would.

I died feeling loved.