Venom and Hope

SKIP TO THE LAST DAYS OF THE TOUR

I still never told Gerard how I truly felt about him and I was beginning to fear that I never would. After that 'date' I coldly told Gerard that the last thing I needed was a relationship and being alone would do us both some good.

L-I-A-R

I definitely hurt him and haven't really seen much of him since. I felt horrible, mentally and physically. I'd hardly been eating, sleeping or being very social. And I felt like ripping off everyone's head when they asked me what was wrong.

Another thing, Jazz was mad at me for denying my true feelings and hardly talked to me anymore. And Frank had been rather cold to me lately too.

And the worst part, and the most stressful part, was that all that was taking a toll on our music. Tyler couldn't stop yelling at us about our painfully mediocre performances.

"People pay to see you for fucks sake!"

And his headaches were back and as bad as ever. God, we needed to get that man a girlfriend.

Oh, and to top it all off, Katrina and Jackson were officially a couple, almost rubbing it in my face that they were happy and I was miserable. Or at least that's what it felt like. I tended to yell at them the most.

Yup

I had basically gotten myself stuck in one rather large, gooey, hot mess.

It was the night before the last day of the tour, after the worst concert I'd put on in years and I had an overwhelmingly strong need to get wasted.

So, naturally, I found myself over in the Used's dressing room with a bottle full of liquor and a brain full of demons just waiting to be silenced.

After about an hour of their 'advice' and my self medication, I had worked up enough courage to talk things out with Gerard. Well, I'm not sure if you can really call half a bottle of Jack Daniel's 'courage' but it made me able to walk up to him with out wanting to puke my guts out.

When I stumbled up to him, he was in the middle of a riveting conversation with Buddy from Senses Fail about comic book super heroes.

My common sense being impaired be large amounts of alcohol, I went right up to Gerard and covered his eyes from behind. "Guess Who!"

He removed my hands and turned around, smiling. As soon as he realized that it was me, he frowned. "Roz?"

I giggled and threw my arms around his neck. "I missed you!"

"You're drunk"

"How'd you know?" I slurred.

"You smell like a hobo for Christ's sake, I thought you quit drinking"

I shook my head and waved at Buddy, who awkwardly waved back and excused himself. I couldn't blame him. I was a mess.

I hugged Gerard tighter and played with his hair. "Good now we're alone" I tried to kiss him but he moved so I got a mouth full of hair instead.

"Come on. Let's get some food in your stomach" He pried my hands off him and all but dragged me on to My Chem's tour bus.

He sat me down at the table and walked to the 'kitchen' area.

"Have you eaten at all today?" He was looking for something in a cabinet.

"I had a breakfast for bagel. Why?"

He sighed and set a napkin down in front of me with a blueberry muffin on it. Then he went over to the coffee maker. "That should absorb some of the alcohol."

I just sat there staring at it until he came back with a cup of coffee and sat across from me.

"Eat. It will sober you up"

I ignored him. "Kiss me"

"NO!"

"Please kiss me?"

"Roz I am not going to kiss you, so just eat"

"I'll eat if you kiss me" I gave him my best sad puppy eyes.

"Well I won't kiss you unless you eat" and with that, I shoved half the muffin in my mouth and washed it down with a swig of coffee.

"How about now?"

"Roz-" but he was cut off be the door opening and Mikey gracing us with his presence.

"Mikey!" I got up to give him a hug but Gerard shoved me back down. So I just waved spastically at him instead.

"Hey Roz!" He motioned for Gerard to join him at the front of the bus. I could still hear them but I was too drunk to care.

"What's wrong with her?" Mikey laughed

"She's fucking drunk"

"I like drunk Roz. She's a lot nicer"

"She's an idiot. She wants me to kiss her!"

Mikey laughed again.

"Will you go get Jazz or Tyler or somebody? I can't deal with this!"

Mikey agreed and I saw him leave the bus. Gerard sat down across from me again.

"Mikey is kind of cute. Like a big, skinny teddy bear"

"Yeah, that's Mikey"

We just kind of sat there for a while. Gerard waiting impatiently for Mikey to return with help and me humming some random song. I'm pretty sure it was 'If I had a Boat' by Lyle Lovett.

"Hey Gerard?" The silence was making me jittery.

"What?" he looked angry.

"I love you"

He blinked at me a few times before slamming his head down on the table. I laid my head down next to him and gently stroked his hair. "I love you" I murmured again. "So much"

Gerard moved to face me, about to say something, but then the door opened.

"I got Katrina. She was the closest."

I felt someone sit next to me and gently sit me up. "Ew Roz you look like shit!"

"Thanks" I whispered, closing my eyes. I had a sudden urge to take a nap.

"Oh no you don't!" Katrina got up and tried to pull me to my feet, but I curled up on the seat and swatted her hands away.

"Go Away!"

"No, you have to come with me now" She wrapped her arms around my torso and picked me up, forcing me to stand. "Good thing she's so little"

Any other time I would have hit her for that comment but my head was pounding.

"Thanks for you're help Gerard. And sorry about her. She's been a huge mess lately"

Gerard, still face down on the table, murmured something incoherent.

"I'll see you later Mikey"

"Yeah, bye Katrina"

The last thing I saw before being dragged off the bus was Mikey sitting down and putting a hand on his brother's shoulder.