Venom and Hope

"Where the fuck is the phone!?!" I screamed, Jazz's cell phone pressed against my ear.

Jazz and I had been looking for the phone for almost twenty minutes and during that time the phone rang three times. Too bad we never learned how to use our answering machine.

"Why don't you two call the apartment and follow the ring?"

"You don't think we tried that already?"

"Honestly" I cut him off. I was getting frustrated and I don't think the lack of sleep was helping.

"Why don't you care about where the phone is?"

"Because it will turn up like it always does."

"Roz! We should call it one more time."

Jackson stopped being entertained like twenty minutes ago, and finally left the room. I called the phone one last time while Jazz ran around again trying to listen for the ring.

"ANY LUCK JAZZ?!?"

"NOOOO!!!" But then Jackson came in holding the phone with a 'Itoldyouso' look on his face.

"Where was it?"

"In the refrigerator, next to the mustard." Jazz ran in as soon as he finished his sentence.

"Roz I think I know where-hey the phone!"

"You left it in the fridge again, didn't you?"

"No!...wait, yeah. Yeah I did." I sighed. Sometimes she was too much, even for me.

"I wonder who called." And as if on cue the phone rang again. We all looked at each other. None of us liked to answer the damn thing.

"What, are you two waiting for an invitation or something?" I unfortunately was almost always the one who answered the phone. And they call me lazy!

"Hello?"

"Roz? You don't have band practice tonight, do you?"

"I don't think so"

"Well don't make any plans for tonight. I think we need to go out. I haven't seen you in a while"

"Alright, sounds good"

"Why did it take so long for you to answer the phone? I called like three times."

"Oh! The phone was in cahoots with the mustard. You could have called my cell though."

"Ok then…I tried your cell but it went straight to voice mail." I could just picture his eyeballs rolling.

"Yeah, it doesn't really matter. I haven't seen my phone for two days. But I'll see you later. Okay?"

"Alright. How about I pick you up at 7:00?"

"Sounds good"

"Okay, I love you"

"Love you too. Bye."

"Bye babe" I hung up the phone

"The mailman again?"

"No, actually it was the bum who lives outside Wal-Mart. We got a hot date tonight"

Jackson just shook his head. Jazz and I were too wonderful for him. He could never handle our witty banter.

Reeve came to pick me up at 7:00 on the dot. He was a 25 year old med student. The kind of guy your mama wants you to marry and the first guy I ever dated who would chose a calm night at home over a wild, sexy night out at some random party. To sum it up, he was the responsible type. Shocked? Me too.

He took me to a cute, cheesy, little Italian restaurant. You know, the kind of place where all the waiters speak in a fake accent and the menus are filled with words that no American could even try to pronounce. The last time he took me to a place like this he proposed.

"How have you been? I haven't seen you in almost a week"

"I'm soooo sorry about that! Band practice takes up most of the day and I know you're busy with your studies and everything."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about" He paused and looked straight into my eyes. The look on his face made me a little uneasy.

"I think you should move in with me" Those words made my face pale and my jaw hang open like an idiot. I didn't know what to say. I knew that we were engaged and everything but I don't think I was ready to give up my crowed apartment with my best friends. I had way too much on my plate at this time. I just couldn't deal with this.

"Uh, when do you think I would move in?" His face showed a faint glimmer of hope. Poor fool.

"I was hoping as soon as possible. Like next week" Now I knew this would never work. I was going into a non-stop line of touring next week.

"Didn't I tell you? We're going on tour for the new album next week" That little glimmer died as his face lowered sadly.

"No, you never told me when"

"Well…yeah"

"How are we going to get married when we can't even find time to move in with each other?"

"I thought we both agreed to plan the wedding after the band finished touring and stuff for the new album"

He held his head in his hands and sighed. He was trying his best and was getting no where with me.

"But there's no way to know when all that will be over and I can't just wait around for someone who doesn't even want to get married."

"Hey! I never said that I didn't want to get married. I said yes didn't I?"

"I know but…I feel like I'm the only one trying here. And you haven't given me any signs saying that you're as serious as I am."

"What are you saying?" This was another thing I felt like I had no control over and I was getting kind of annoyed at Reeve for being like this.

"Roz, do you still want to get married?" That question should have had an easy answer. I mean we dated for almost a year and he was supposed to be the man I loved but I couldn't find the right answer. I just wasn't sure anymore.

"Well not when you're being like this!"

"I'm serious Roz. Yes or No?"

"I…yes" I probably sounded more unsure than I felt (if that was possible). With me and Reeve, marriage just seemed like the next step but now I don't see how we could make it work. We were both too busy and not too mention that I was starting to get sick at the thought of being with Reeve for the rest of my life.

"And you really mean that because you don't sound so sure?"

I didn't want us to break up, but I wasn't sure about marriage anymore. I just wanted everything to stay the same. I felt comfortable.

"I guess so"

"You guess so? Roz that's not exactly the answer I was looking for"

"What do you want from me?!...if it'll make you feel better, I'll stay at your house till I leave."

"I would like that but, I just don't want a wife who is never home or I can't be serious with"

"I can't change who I am and I defiantly can't quit the band, we depend on each other. I'm not asking you to change."

"Maybe this is a mistake. I would just be holding you back if we get married and I don't ever want to do that to you. I'm getting to the point in my life when I need to settle down and get married and have kids. But you're at the point in your life where your band is your top priority. We want different things Roz."

"But I want you" right then I started to feel the hurt. He was right but that's not what I wanted him to be.

"I won't break this off if you don't want to, but we're holding each other back. Maybe its better if we-"

"No! Reeve I love you! We are going to get married and someday have those kids you want. We don't have to hold each other back."

"I love you too but now I don't think that's enough" His words stung. I was defeated and alone.

"I-I guess not"

"We can't be happy together. I love you too much to have you resent me years later. As much as I don't want to say this, I don't think we should get married anymore."

I didn't want to cry in front of him. Reeve felt like a stranger to me now. I felt so alone. I had him take me home before our food got to the table; there was too much on my mind for me to even think about eating.