Venom and Hope

When I walked through the door I was greeted by the loneliness of an empty apartment. A note on the counter read that Jazz and Jackson went to some party downtown.

I just broke down on the kitchen floor and cried, clutching the note to my chest. Nothing ever went my way. Everything was out of my control. I had lived my whole life following the word of other people, but I never noticed it before. Other people were in charge of my future and the thought scared me to death.

I sat on the floor for 20 minutes in a pool of my own tears, until I decided I was done. I walked the staircase up to the roof. I wasn't supposed to be up there but I was through with other people telling me what was wrong and what was right. As I opened the door to the outside the cool air stung my tearstained face. So, that was it, one jump and I'd be free. My hands were trembling as I slowly walked over to the ledge, climbed over the railing, and looked down at the blinding city lights. I got lost in the moment.

"You really shouldn't be up here. It's not safe."

I squeaked and turned to see the dark outline of a man walking towards me, smoking a cigarette.

"And who are you to tell me what's safe or not? You're up here aren't you?"

"Hey! I was just looking out for you, wouldn't want someone to get hurt, that's all" He took a drag from his cigarette and exhaled a cloud of smoke.

"I would like to be alone if you don't mind"

He stepped into the light and I saw that he was an aging man, probably around 40 or so. But his eyes looked sunken, yellowish and old. Must have been the cigarettes.

"I don't mind, but first tell me why you're up here all alone"

"That is none of your business!"

"I guess it's not, I just thought you might feel better if you talked about it"

I stared at the man. Somehow I felt like I knew him forever. I felt like I could spill my guts out to this person and never think twice about it. "Have you ever felt so disappointed in yourself that you feel like your head might explode and kind of wish it actually would so you wouldn't have to deal with all the bizarre emotions swimming around in it?" I rambled.

The man smiled "Haven't we all?"

"Hypothetically, what would one do in this particular situation?"

"Well-" he took another long drag from his cigarette. "I would start by not jumping off an apartment building-" I made a small, awkward noise as my cheeks flushed bright pink. "Then I would assess the situation and try to turn my life around. Maybe seek some professional help. Or at least enlist a close friend…. hypothetically, of course."

"Of course…" I let his words soak in and tried to understand them but I couldn't. "But what if, hypothetically, I don't think I can actually bring myself to do that?"

He put out his cigarette and leaned against the railing; looking out at the city below us. Then he extended his arms and pulled me back over onto the roof.

"Never doubt your own abilities. You're only as strong as you think you are" and with that he was gone, leaving me to ponder my situation more carefully. Maybe I could start over; find some inner strength and take what's left of my life back. I decided to sleep on it. The opportunity would still be there tomorrow.