Death Is Never Permanent

I pulled away from Lucas, embarrassed. Why did he just-?

As my head lay limp on his shoulder, I thought about that very question.

My hair was let down a long while ago, or so it seemed, so luckily my reddened cheeks were hidden; or else I would have been mortified.

Lucas got 2 more suits, me putting the past “events” behind me and watching/ “inspecting” in the process. He grumbled the whole time, the lady who was helping continuing in poking and prodding his body with sharp little pins and needles. (I laughed at his displeasure and scowling at me through the full length mirrors. In the end he also had gotten 4 ties and 10 individual shirts. He wasn't the suit type of guy but I have to admit, they sort of fit him in the end, he could easily be one of those suit-types of guys if he wanted I guess. (Although, after a while it may start to get boring. A heavily tattooed, longer haired, punk looking guy in suits all the time- eh.)

After he was finished we walked out; Lucas decided on wearing one of his new shirts with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. I think it was to spite me but I could care less to be honest. My only response was shaking my head at his childishness; well I don't know what you would call it actually.

“You look ridiculous.” I mumbled while Lucas held open the door for me to walk into a dress store about 15 minutes later. He followed behind me. He was acting weird- I think this whole professional thing is getting to his brain!

“I look sexy and you know it.” He whispered into my ear as I stopped to briefly glance around the store space. I rolled my eyes, ignoring him, and walked over towards the first rack of dresses in little compartment type hanging rods.

“Suuureeee...” I responded sarcastically under my breath, huffing.

Where to start? It’s like a warehouse of fancy, one of a kind dresses in this place, making it possible to go one of two ways. Good; meaning I could easily find them (the dresses I need) and leave quickly. Bad; meaning that we will be here for hours not finding anything at all.

“Can I help you?” A woman came around from the doorway in the back of the store, a man following after her.

“Yeah um I'm looking for dresses...” Well that's a ‘duh’ sort of answer Blaire, that is what kind of store it is after all; a dress store! I cursed myself for sounding so stupid.

“You're around size 2, no?” I blinked, looking at the woman in awe. After a moment I nodded, still in wonder how she guessed. I glanced away and down in disgust at myself; I wish I honestly wasn't so skinny. I am underweight and definitely not proud per say, I don't like the way I look. Ever since I got released from “the Bay” I have looked like this, boney and malnourished despite eating like crazy.

She took us towards the back to route through the dresses.

“Here try this on.” Lucas smirked as he turned the dress around dramatically so I could see the front. Two words instantly came to mind...FUCK NO! I didn't say that though, I had already made up my mind. He wasn't going to have any effect on my dress choosing and I was going to ignore him in the process! Yet saying he was relentless is a major understatement. He was literally picking up dress, after dress, after fucking dress expecting me to try them all on. One, I don't particularly care for dresses so I will be picking the dress!
NOT him! Two, all the dresses I’ve seen so far are all something I would never, ever consider wearing...Like crazy ass, slutty shit. While I had been looking for the more, oh let’s say appropriate dresses...Lucas, he was going for something you'd see in a strip club or some like… exotic nightclub, something that I would get killed for wearing to a wedding and wedding rehearsal/ shower type thing.

“Oh this one’s cute!” The lady, whose name is Leila, said as I stepped out in a bubbly pink sparkle dress. I however wasn't crazy about it before putting it on; I look like ice cream or candy! Scratch this one. With that I went back into change but Lucas hurried up and got in before the door shut.

“OUT!” I whispered harshly, pointing towards the door.

“Try these on, please?” He held up about 4 or so dresses.

“Fine...” I groaned. “Now go so I can try them on.” I grabbed his upper arm some and pushed him away from me as I took the hangers of dresses out of his hands.

“Why can’t I stay?” He looked at me, smirking; with a look of mischief written all over his posture and that very smirk.

“Fine. Then I won’t try them on.” I said plainly walking over to the multitude of dresses already hanging up.

“Come on.” I felt the warmth of his breath on my skin before he obviously pressed his lips to the bare skin in between my shoulders, right at the base of my neck.

“Get the fuck out!” I snapped, wanting him to just leave me alone. He was being way too-He was getting way to close and I was allowing it. Slowly but surely he was squeezing his way inside my protective walls like no other had before, much too my dismay. And that scared the fuck out of me. Plus the fact is, it’s only going to get more complicated and hard to get rid of him when at my parents house in the middle of nowheresville. And if he’s already acting like this, even if it is just for show, still I can’t imagine what he will be like when we are there alone…

He shook his head looking at me like he couldn't believe me and left slamming the door after him. The loud slam echoed throughout the whole little room and surely it did on the other side as well. It sounded like a cannon going off.

I sunk to the hardwood floor staring in front of me at the light blue, green and tanned stripped wall as I brought my knees to my chest, sighing out deeply and banging my head repeatedly on the wall behind me.

I didn't go back out of that changing room for another half hour. By then I just picked two dresses I liked, since I wasn’t allowing for anyone else to have an influence on me, and then tried them on.

Out of sheer curiosity I looked at the dresses Lucas gave me to try on, they actually weren't terribly bad. Two were perfect really; it was extremely strange. The first was a simple purple, knee length silk dress with a small ribbon and bow underneath the bust. The other, an ocean blue colored crinkled halter topped dress with a strip of black around the hips. It had an uneven, handkerchief type bottom that came down to almost flow around my feet, almost touching the floor with heels on. I chose those two and then collected everything, taking it in heaps back out of the tiny room.

The “get rid of” dresses were placed back onto the rods and then the “keepers” were taken with me up to the counter. Looking around there were a few random older women cluttering the selection of younger looking styles for obvious reasons… desperate to be younger.

Sadly I wasn't sure the looks would help them do that, not to sound rude.

Did I mention Lucas wasn't anywhere?

Yep he isn’t. And now I have to go try and find him in New York City, a city with millions of people. What fun...

After finding him at the car, it was a rather easy search since I went straight there (thank God he hadn't taken off.) I put the bags in the back and got in the passenger seat. He didn't bother to even look at me, let alone talk... He just started the car and drove out into the New York City traffic. The only thing heard was the bass of the music and the audible sound of screaming and singing in the songs. He drove; I laid my head against the window while looking out at the world around.

This went on for hours...

It was only after crossing into Massachusetts, when my phone rang, flashing Ale, that I turned down the music and that “silence” was broken. I figured Lucas would start fighting with me but nope, he didn't even flinch or make a move to talk.

“Hey.” I said, evidently in a sad tone because Ale picked up on it instantly.

“What’s wrong Care Bare?”

“Nothing. What’s up?” I gulped hoping he would believe me and not question me like he usually would under other circumstances, especially if I was right there in person. My God have I been pestered in the past. Nothing goes past unnoticed with Ale.

“Jinx said you were at the house today, I wish I got to see you... He said you were going to your parents’ place?”

“Me too, trust me.” I said shaking my head slightly at his eager tone “and yeah...”

“You gonna be alright?” I glanced over at Lucas a moment in the very corner of my eye, hoping he wasn't overhearing Ale.

“Yeah I will...” I stopped myself from talking more, revealing more on the situation because Lucas was there hearing my every word and possibly Ale’s side of the conversation as well.

It was strange talking to your best friend, someone who knew literally everything about you, in front of him (Him meaning Lucas.)

“I know now isn't the time, you have other things to worry about but there is something you need to know...” There was a pause, building up the anticipation inside “Matt and um Brian...they, well... they sort of got into a fight with each other and are in the hospital.” My mouth most likely literally dropped open in shock and questions circled in my mind “They are both fine, just really fucked up but...”

“Because of me right? I did it?”

“Blaire don't think that it’s your-”

“It was... look just, I don't know... what the fuck is wrong with them? They are best friends, they- Do something for me? Tell Matt to get over it all, Ale. He needs to move on with his life. Brian said so too, I mean it isn't like I'm the only one who notices this shit.”

“He broke up with Jenna ‘cause he still loves you...” I brought my free hand to my face, rubbing my forehead and face in frustration. He broke up with her? Really, he seriously did?!

I didn't want this to happen. I couldn't have this happen! Matt had a perfectly great girlfriend then I show up again and screw up everything, he breaks up with her.

Taking away peoples happiness; this is all I am really good for.

I mean com’mon, it’s a fact right?

I didn't want Matt to see me from the word ‘go’ because we didn't leave on good terms and I knew, I knew that the next time I saw him it would be hard in more than one respect. The whole time in prison he was one of the two reasons why I didn't end it all, all the opportunities I fucking had... I would always think about Matt and change my mind despite how miserable I really felt. I imagined it would be hard- I even swore to stay away so that it wasn’t as hard as it could have been once I gotten out.

Sometimes though I wonder if things would be better if I wasn't here... Everyone would be happier. After all until recently no one knew what happened or where I was, or so I’m told.

And still now, only a few of them really know a sliver of the truth.

I wouldn't be missed; all I do is fuck up people’s lives.