Death Is Never Permanent

After I ended the call with Ale, I turned the music back on for Lucas and shoved the earphones to my iPod into my ears. My God was that old piece of junk missed. I blared the first song that came on shuffle, “Carry Me Down” by Demon Hunter while trying not to cry and keep everything out of my mind; just letting my mind become filled with nothingness.

After a quick stop at a convenience store for gas we were back on the road. He finally talked to me then-

But only to ask if I wanted anything, meaning food or a drink. He looked at me strangely when he received 'no' as an answer although he didn't say another word.

While using the restroom good ‘ole Jeffie called, and as ironic as it was; I answered, despite the awkward timing. He didn't say much either, just “checking up on (me)” as he said. I only replied when needed to and in the fewest amount of words I needed to say.

Anything in order to convince him I was doing nothing wrong, was “fine” and that I would call later that night; thus keeping up my end of the “bargain.”

While blaring the Devil Wears Prada into my ears, sleep quickly seemed to have overtaken my body despite the loudness of the music both directly in my ears and all around me.

When I woke up, Lucas was gone, leaving me alone in the semi-chilly car.

Where are we... Or rather, where am I? Looking around there wasn't much of anything except for the rest stop building out in front and the glow of the street lamps over the expansive, completely empty, parking lot around the car.

What time is it? Taking off the seat belt I stepped out of the car stretching some in the process. I sighed but went towards the building looking for Lucas and something to drink in the process. It was pitch dark all around, the lights on the pavement brought back memories of prison...

I cringed and froze thinking. Looking outside to see the bright florescent lights focused on the place, but then after the barbed wire fences there was pitch blackness. Nothing was around for miles. In a way it was peaceful though there was always that fear mixed in. A fight could break out at any moment in general population, in the exercise yard, within cells- The guards tried to keep the weapons taken care of but the inmates always had their own secret hiding places and no one but the hider could find them. So many lives were lost in such a short amount of time…

In isolation the darkness was the only fear anyone could have. Living in a dark place for months at a time, hardly being let out; you start to feel like a vampire. Like the walls are closing in on you; you start to go crazy talking to yourself and having nothing to do but sleep or stare off into the darkness. You would think it differently but being in the situation. Alone…

Don't think that you are safe either. Thinking yourself as being safe was a huge mistake. The moment you felt safe in your own little box, a riot would start or someone would break out. The first place they all go; police and inmates, is for their gang buddies... a majority of who are in isolation if they hadn’t already been found and accounted for in the mass of people in general population. And they kill. If it were someone from a different gang, and they open your door- you won’t last long. Fighting back isn’t even possible because of the bright light. It’s dull when you first go in; barely even on. But then you spend hours, days in darkness… that dull light is blinding.

I hate the darkness.

It brings back all of those memories.

I don't know how else to describe it but it’s almost even more than a form of hate.

Sometimes I wake up with nightmares listening to the yelling and screaming of the dying people outside my still locked cell... I was one of the lucky ones. Threatened, sure...but no one ever dare do anything to me. Luckily I had that fall back. If someone were to mess with me they would suffer the wrath of the gang that forced me to become one of them, become their property to do as they please, in the Bay that is. I never want to see them again, any of them.

I ran as fast as I could into the concrete visitor’s plaza/building, slamming the door behind me and almost hyperventilating. Okay so I was having an anxiety attack. Usually despite the memories I wasn’t as easily bothered by the dark. Then again someone is almost always with me in every other situation lately so I felt safer as well, that fear didn't come to mind like whenever I was alone. Like now.

I had my back to the inside, while I briefly stood on my tip-toes in order to be able to look out of the glass window high up on the door. To be honest I was half expecting someone to pop out and smother their face in the window with a look to kill written all over their face. But no one ever did.

But I spoke too soon-

As something touched my lower back I jumped, screamed at the top of my lungs and lashed out at whatever it was all in one motion.

It was Lucas, and I nailed him a good one in the neck.

“God! What the fuck Valencia!” He gagged as I sighed in relief; breathing harshly still. It was only Lucas. My God I'm becoming schizophrenic.

I pushed passed his gagging and coughing, hunched over body and went straight towards the bathroom, putting my whole head under the freezing cold water once inside. The water was like ice; but it woke me up. The stream quickly soaked my hair, the little rivers of water running some down my neck as it suffocated me; running incessantly down my face. Even when I couldn't breathe I didn't bother to move from under it, I was slowly killing myself, depriving my body of oxygen but at this very moment I really didn't care much about that because I wanted to get all of the thoughts out of my mind.

All the memories!

I needed too.

All the nightmares came back in a rush, every event I witnessed, every sound I heard; all flashbacked in my mind. I wanted to forget it all, pretend nothing happened! It worked so well up until now, I just....

As I felt my lungs giving out and my mind was becoming black like never before felt, someone ripped me from under the faucet. My hair whipped from in front of my wet face, to dripping wet in messy strands all around my shoulders. I gasped for air taking in a huge breath realizing then I actually needed the air.

Of course it could also be the fact that Lucas made me open my mouth to breath as he gripped my cheeks in his fingers.

“What the fuck are you trying to do!” He screamed at me, his voice echoing throughout the empty woman's bathroom. He had me by my shoulders and shook me back and forth violently trying to figure it out. “VALENCIA!” My hair still was in my face; he brushed it away and made me look at him. I was a mess. Mascara and eyeliner runs covered my cheeks, a great contrast as compared to the zombie like stare on my pale almost deadened grey-white skin. My eyes were dull and everything was echoing, buzzing in my ears...though there wasn't any echo or buzzing sound outside of my inner body. Everything was deathly silent in the building.

Lucas’ hands now were on my face, gripping the sides of my neck and cheek.

We just looked at each other, nothing was said for the longest time...

At least the silence wasn’t broken until a woman came inside the bathroom. She looked at us both strangely. Yet her glare remained on Lucas moreso than me; a disgusted yet interested sort of look plastered on her face. He let go of me instantly as the door opened but he quickly took my hand in his and pulled me out after him; avoiding the awkwardness and the questions she was bound to ask. ‘Are you okay? Is everything alright?’ I can only imagine. And the answer- ‘No- I’m not, everything is not alright-‘

Going outside I moved to be closer to him as we walked, afraid of the darkness even with him there. Unlike with others, with him I felt only a little bit safer. Maybe it was because in the back of my mind I thought if the opportunity came, the situation came where someone was there- he wouldn’t keep me safe… Maybe that he wouldn’t care if they killed me.

Lucas went to unlock the doors but I grabbed the keys with shaky fingers.

“I'll drive so you can sleep.” I barely whispered it, but he nodded so he had to have heard. My mind wondered why he hadn’t even tried to contradict my attempt to drive when mentally, I was highly unstable.

I sat down in the driver’s side, grabbing my stuff on the floor with him helping and threw it all in the semi crowded backseat. He got in and we were off. I turned down the music so it wasn't blaring anymore and drove down the straight one lane highway; it was around 2 am. I didn't know where we were exactly but I followed the GPS's instructions, silently wiping away all the tears that fell one by one from my eyes.

As if they weren’t noticed.

I was the equivalent of alone again. Lucas was sleeping and faced away from me.

I drove until the sun started coming up before I took a break, needing to use the bathroom and get coffee to keep me awake. That and the car were almost literally running on fumes.

We were almost in Maine, only about 25 miles away but I couldn't wait and put it off any longer. I glanced over seeing Lucas lying back in the seat; the front passenger seats back was touching the backseat. His slight snore was the only thing that filled the car since I had turned the music off around an hour ago getting bored with listening to the same stuff over and over on the only rock station that came in the basic frequencies. I had thought about trying to get the HD radio stations but I decided against it because it would be distracting trying to figure out how to work it and drive at the same time.

“Hey.” I shook Lucas a little bit. He sat up quickly looking everywhere around frantically.

“What?!” He then looked at my face, I tried not to laugh. “Are we there?” He yawned and looked around at the surrounding area outside the car.

“No about an hour and half more to go, I'm going inside...” He nodded and jumped out of the car with me, walking beside me into the gas station. I used the bathroom remembering about Jeffie, oh shit! I got out my phone and called him quickly praying he wouldn't be mad.

“Hello?” A groggy voice said.

“Hi.”

“Valencia?” Fuck. I’m in for it now. I should have called him before I started driving, dammit!

“Yeah, I'm sorry I fell asleep. I was going to call I swear I was I just-”

“Oh well um, Lucas called and told me. Don't let it happen again...” Sighing in relief we finished the conversation, I finished in the bathroom and went out into the store. Lucas stood making coffee...I went straight to him.

“Thank you.” I said standing up on my tiptoes, holding slightly onto his arms while kissing the back of his neck slightly. It was only a feather type kiss but I did it, still not sure why.

Maybe because he was turned away from me and his cheek wasn’t “reachable,” to hell if I know why I do the things I do.

“Blaire?” He turned and my hands dropped back to my sides. “...For what?” His hair was a mess, no better than mine which was all wavy and curly from the water hours before; his clothes were somewhat crinkled too, his dress shirt unbuttoned showing his tattoos under his collar bones and the thin black colored wife beater underneath. “Thanks for what?” My breath caught in my throat the moment his hands found my hips. He smiled at me, a genuine smile, before dropping his hand when I fidgeted. I forced myself to smile at least some, hoping he still wasn't pissed at me but you can never be too sure. For the most part he is unreadable- Though I have noticed when he’s pissed or trying to get on my nerves he calls me by my first name, Valencia. If he isn't he uses Blaire, so that's a good sign, right?

He’s calling me Blaire.

We got our coffees and once again we were on the road, me driving once again since I was in the mood for an odd reason. Driving is calming when you are in the middle of nowhere and no one else is around for miles.

When we got to the destination (a little over 90 minutes later), my “parents” new home, my jaw dropped. It was a fancy, mansion with a security gate. My shock turned into anger as I sped up the driveway and got out after harshly parking, slamming the door with all my might. Where the fuck did they get the money to buy this place? I know damn well it wasn't from me, and since neither of them seemed to want to work they couldn't have actually gotten a job...and if they did, now there is going to be hell to pay!

For over a year they made me pay all the bills and do all that shit, go through what I did when I never should have had to.

I slammed open the door without so much as knocking, letting it hit harshly against the wall; Lucas followed me and slipped in quickly before I slammed it back shut just as harshly. He's getting good at the slipping in unnoticed sort of thing.

My mother decided then to grace us with her presence and came out from around the corner, looking furious as I walked up to her ready to give her a piece of my mind. There was no fucking way she was going to get to me and yell at me when I should be the one screaming at her for putting me thorough what she did when clearly they could do this all themselves. Make me fight to get the money and then them spending it all, making me do even more to pay bills, spending extravagant amounts in order to keep the house.

Sure, I fought without thinking about the money. I just wanted to but what if I didn't want to fight...think of it that way. There was no other way I could actually make all that money just so they could live that wonderful life.

Now, she was going to getting a piece of my mind that I never, ever had expressed to anyone before.
Now…
I'm wondering why I hadn't done this a long time ago.