Death Is Never Permanent

The hand was taken away from my mouth before the person just up and left. I lay there dazed and confused wondering why?

Why did the person just leave?

I heard the door softly shut and then suddenly footsteps came towards me again, in only a moments worth of time. I squirmed and thrashed as hands held me down but then relaxed when I distinctively saw Lucas's hovering close over my own. I sighed as he let go and plopped down harshly, beside me.

“I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you.” Lucas slurred as he turned to me, his body propped up by his elbow while his right hand caressed my cheek; back and forth, back and forth. The feel of his calloused fingers on the soft skin of my cheek tickled. He was making me laugh at his voice, how my cheeks felt oddly ticklish with his breath and touch. Being in a drunken stupor probably did myself no good, either. His hand trailed flew down my body, making me gasp slightly at the suddenness until his grip reached my hip; he only pulled me closer to him, a genuine, loving smile on his face.

Before I could say a word his lips were on mine, moving at a speed that seemed incapable for drunken minds but in that moment I couldn't help myself. I didn't think at all.

-

I woke up entirely bare with Lucas's strong, restricting arms around my middle; the twists of blankets further completing our tangled mess of a bed.

At first I didn't think anything of it...but then realization hit me. And when I say hit, I mean HARD!

I began panicking, hyperventilating, as I all of a sudden felt violated and disgusted with myself; like all the other times...

Though this, this was different...

'No it wasn't' my brain told me as I managed to worm myself out of the bed without waking up Lucas, managing to bring one of the sheets with me to keep my body hidden. ‘It wasn’t different at all!’ My conscious screamed. Tears gathered in my eyes as I rushed to get real clothes on and run instantly to the bathroom across the hallway.

I closed and locked the door, and turned on the water to scolding hot, stepping in not bothering to even strip at the moment. My already aching body hurt with 10 times as much force as the day before. All over. Tiny bruises and scratches bite marks... I let my head hit the tiled wall beside me, the only noise besides the water that was heard.

I didn't remember anything from last night. Nothing at all besides the party and ever so slightly… the library; yet that's all.

I know I had sex with Lucas, I mean come on how can I deny that fact?! But it was all in a drunken craze and I couldn't remember anything about it. It was scary. That’s what the big deal is!

I shouldn't have done that to him, I shouldn't have had sex with him. I wouldn't have... I just...

If I were sober, there is no way in HELL I would have slept with him

Hence the, ‘you’re sleeping on the floor’ mentioned earlier the past day!

The tears came out of my eyes as sobs. I sat there in the scolding water until it burned my flesh so much I couldn't take it anymore, then I turned all the hot off and made it ice cold. So freezing that it shocked my scolding hot body, sending it into shakes so violent I thought I was getting hypothermia. My once reddened fingers had blue hues to them now.

It was only at the sound of knocks at the door that I turned off the water; hoping whoever it was didn't hear my being inside and would leave quickly. I got out of the shower just as quick, my mind ignoring my previous thoughts and actions to instead begin thinking that someone needed to use the bathroom.

But after wrapping a towel around my damp, fully clothed body I opened the door to find out it was only him...my father. He smirked at my face as he tried to get near me but I ducked underneath his outstretched arms and quickly ran into the bedroom, slamming the door in his face, and locking it. Hearing his fists pounding against and his loud bursting voice yelling through the door made my body shake in further fear. Fear that he had gotten so close, so close.

I sunk to the floor crying again; harder (if that's possible.)

Sometime between my waking up and now Lucas had to have woken up because he was right next to me, trying to grab me and console me...I figure it was my slamming the door and the commotion from the other side. He kept asking me what was wrong, trying to figure out what was wrong but I pushed him away all together.

“Leave me alone, don't fucking touch me!” I snapped, screaming hysterically at him as he tried and just barely touched my shoulder. His barely there touch left my skin instantly and he looked hurt and confused as I pushed myself back away from him; wincing everything he tried to get closer to me in any way- a simple start of raising a hand or making an inch closer move.

Through teary eyes I watched Lucas harshly gulp before standing and walking over to the bed, he bent down grabbing something before turning around. I shut my eyes and tensed my body having flashbacks of what had happened in the past as my father once used to do the very same thing, nothing good ever coming from them.

I left out a small whimper of fear as Lucas’ smell got closer with his presence. I found that he only had blankets in his hands; he had encircled the fabric around me leaving my back covered and front where the ends met.

He stalked out of the room, slamming the door again making me jump. I heard faint yelling by more than one person but it was ultimately drowned out as I leaned to my side, curling up on the floor in a ball, crying myself back into a form of sleep. The floor was my bed and the blankets kept me in a hazy, humid type of warmth, as I was still technically wet. It was comfortable in that moment and I was exhausted.

I wanted to forget it all... It was a mistake.

Lucas…My father. I just want to rewind a day and start over completely. Is that too much to ask?!

Could I really forget about whatever happened between Lucas and I? Sure I didn't know specifics but I knew overall what happened by the morning after. I mean it obviously isn’t easy to forget waking up naked, finding bruises all over you that weren’t there the night before, your head pounding with a hangover...You know?

Suddenly I felt myself being shaken, “Babe, wake up.” And then rougher as my eyes opened and I moved my body away. I looked up and into the dark eyes of Lucas who had an almost scared look to his face.

“You were having a nightmare.” That was what he said. It was so plain and yet that simple sentence made him seem so... concerned?

A black ring was noticeably forming around his cheek and right eye. Huh, where did he get that?

“Sorry...” I mumbled turning over so my back was to him on now the… bed? Guess I moved at some point. I couldn't bare to look at him anymore, I felt so guilty and like a complete whore at the moment for some reason... A reason I wasn't sure of.

“It was worse than last time... what was it about?” He asked trying to turn me over but I kept wincing as he got close and he shied away, giving up trying. Finally after a bit of silence I turned to lay on my back.

“…Last time?” I whispered confused and he nodded.

“The night you spent at my house. You know how Alex said you screamed all night? It was because of nightmares, I think... You kept having them, screaming for me to help you- I couldn't wake you up though or I would, but you would fall asleep a second later and then have them again... all night long. I didn’t know what to do-” So that's what Alex meant...I screamed all night because of nightmares? Oh God I have to apologize to him (meaning Alex) now, don’t I? fuck! Something I really didn't want to do to the fucker. I like him being on my hate/threaten list, its fun...guess he won’t be much longer by the looks of it though. Although/i], he did make me believe different, that Lucas and I... “Are you okay, Blaire? What happened?”

“You know already...” I whispered again turning away. Lucas’s eyes widened before he turned and jumped off the bed, pacing a bit before pausing briefly to punch the wall in the process.

“FUCK!” He almost screamed as I looked at him, afraid. He ran a hand over his face quickly before anger flashed in his dark eyes and he started tearing up the room. Suddenly he stopped and looked at me. I was breathing in and out tiny little breaths at a rapid speed, barely taking in anything of sustenance while my eyes were probably as big as baseballs. “I'm sorry.” He came back onto the bed beside me, about a foot separating us. I just stared. “I didn't mean to, I wouldn't have...I thought maybe it was someone (else)...I was drunk and it isn't an excuse but I'm so sorry. I...” He sighed and buried his head in his hands not bothering to finish whatever he was about to say.

I know he meant it, his actions proved that he really was sorry but it still hurt. He kept looking at me like I was some puppy in the window that no one wanted and he couldn't take home, that sort of sorry... Like I was a mistake.

Granted I didn't want to have sex with him, but I think it would have been different if he didn't act as if it were a mistake, you know? Instead he could at least least say ‘hey, I messed up, im sorry, but I love you’ or I don’t even KNOW what I would want to hear… Just not that I was a mistake, please no.

I wished somewhere deep down he would want to be with me just because. No one wants to hear that they were a mistake.

Later on it was time for us to get ready in our dressier clothes for the reunion party soon to take place that day. I wasn’t even going to try and bother to get another shower or get dressed until the last minute. I just stared off into space, in my own little universe, as I heard Lucas in the background shuffling around the room getting stuff and then leaving to go take a shower himself. I didn’t once move even a tiny bit from my laying on my stomach, on the bed.

-Lucas's Pov-

I grabbed her cell phone as best I could without her noticing. However, I honestly don't think she would have noticed if I waved the damn thing right in front of her face before I pocketed it dramatically.

After I locked the door to the bathroom I started to look through her contacts, looking for Ale. He didn't know me very well, I didn't really know him either but he was her best friend and I really don't know what the fuck to do right now.

I curse myself for hurting her like I did, hell if I could take it back I would because I know she didn't want to...even if I maybe sort of, kind of, possibly did. In a completely different situation, if she trusted me and wanted to, there would be absolutely no delay on my part. But I will NOT admit that! In a way I feel extremely bad, especially the way she is acting now, after the fact; but on the other hand I don't regret it at all, I don't feel bad because there is something in my head. My brain is telling me I didn't hurt her on purpose. Sure I got carried away obviously, and we were trashed but it wasn't one of those 'oh God I just slept with her what was I thinking' sort of moments.

“Blaire?” The guy I'm assuming is Ale picked up.

“No… this is… Lucas...” I cringed using my real name.

“What happened?! Where the hell is she?!” He almost screamed. Good to know he cared, bad to know now I’m screwed. He probably will hunt me down and kill me after I'm done talking to him.

“She's fine...well sort of. Ale, I um...” I took a deep breath taking in the silence on the other end for a moment. “We got drunk and had sex and she-” He cut me off yelling and screaming at me. I took the phone away from my ear and only got the "good" words out of his talking, you know “fuck, asshole, bastard' those sort of things, and those were only the “good” words he used to describe me. After he trailed off I started to talk again “I know I screwed up, I didn't mean to hurt her but she isn't taking it very well...I keep saying sorry but she’s like. I don't know, like a zombie. A very... depressed... zombie...I don't know what the fuck to do?!”

“Do you know why she's acting the way she is?” He asked calmer but I could hear the tenseness and anger laced within his words.

“Yeah, she told me a little while ago...”

A conversation started from there, he gave me some advice but said he was coming up to Maine to make sure she's okay...be here for her and try to hopefully cheer her up; even if I didn't want him to. I wanted to be able to do this myself! Sure, I shouldn't have to call her best friend to fly and see her in order to get her to cheer up. Yet Blaire is stubborn. Plus he is her best friend in the world and knows much more about her than I do. I really respect the guy for taking care of her and trying to make her feel better all of the past years. Ale is some kind of guy...

“Look Luca. She's told me about you...” Ale laughed some “It's all complaining usually but I can tell she deep down cares for you even if she won’t admit it to herself. You can’t keep saying sorry to her though; that's the last thing she wants to hear, and anyone for that matter would want to be told...Just be there for her and don't be sad or treat her differently like you seem to already be doing. It will just make her feel like you’re trying to make it up to her. Try and act like, I don't know... Don't make her start to believe it was a mistake because that's even worse, that's what her dad did every time. He made her feel like shit afterward, like it was her fault, that she isn’t good enough...” Ale paused “She'll be okay; she's strong enough to pull through. It might take a while but she will; she always does. I trust you, as strange as that is since I haven't met you in person. It takes a lot to call up someone’s best friend and get bitched at for something you did”

That was the last thing he said to me. He's a deep kid, I'm happy she has him instead of some dip shit as a friend. He cares about her a lot and I am going to try what he says... hopefully it works.

After getting an extremely quick shower I went straight back into the bedroom. Blaire was there putting on a dress she had. One of the purple ones I had picked out at the store. At first I just smirked at the thought of her actually liking and buying that dress but then I figured it wasn't the best thing in the world to be doing right about now.

-Blaire's pov-

I struggled to try and zip up the dress, I was in my own little la- la land not even noticing whenever Lucas came back in, in only a towel wrapped around his waist I must add. How can you not notice that? He came over to me and took the material out of my hands, zipping it up slowly on my back...his fingers brushed my skin in the process sending chills through my bones.

“You aren't a mistake Blaire.” Lucas whispered slowly into my ear as his arms wrapped around my upper arms and chest, right above my breasts. I looked up in the mirror into his eyes, smiling a completely noticeable fake smile. But he fell for it.

My bruises were easy to cover up, as were Lucas's. I worked in zombie mode, on him thinking I would get the whole 'guys don't wear makeup' lecture and he would refuse...but he didn't. Then again his face wasn't beat badly and his sleeves and long pants covered everything unlike the dress I wore.

We all met in my one cousins’ backyard, the cousin whom actually lived right next door to my parents “place.”

It was the family reunion and I was dreading it. Lucas stayed by my side as we walked through the crowds and were introduced to many whose names I forgot ten minutes later. I wasn't about to pay any attention to these people, especially whenever I wouldn't see them again and really, really didn't care to know them either. Lucas's hand always rest lightly, strangely it was really lightly, on my shoulder or my hip when we were walking through the crowds. At first it drove me insane, that feeling was like a bug crawling up your skin but it’s never really there. Then I realized something.

Lucas wasn't acting as though nothing happened last night, things were clearly different between us; it didn’t take a rocket scientist to notice. I’m sure my family could tell the difference. Unlike yesterday, Lucas’s touch was barely on my skin today. But nonetheless it was still there. I was grateful though, not really wanting to be touched after what happened. I still felt dirty and insecure. Although at the same time, if he were touching me as I was practically used to now, I always felt cold without his touch.

Yet he still wanted to protect me and be there, be here with me and I will never truly understand why. But I was so thankful for him not deserting me and leaving me alone… He didn’t HAVE to be here after all.

An hour after, my numbness long since left with Lucas’s strange niceness and care towards me, the two of us were laughing and debating on whether or not we thought a certain one of my baby cousins would fall into the pool. Well...she was 7, so not a baby per say, yet she acted like one. She was reaching in to try and reach the lily pads that were floating on top of the chlorine water in the pool. That alone was enough to make us laugh but then she kept leaning further and further over the ledge, losing her balance and almost falling in... but never did. Yet!

We both were guessing how long it would last, how long until she really fell in.

I bet 3 tries Lucas bet 5...and it was on. The two of us watched out of sight at the little girl reaching, trying to grab for the fake, plastic lily pad. The side of Lucas' head rest against mine as his chin rest lightly on my 'okay' shoulder and his arms encircled my back, around my arms that were bent at the elbows and the front part of my stomach, almost engulfing me.

As she tried the 2nd time she went in, slamming violently with a huge cannonball sounding ‘splash’ into the water, screaming and thrashing around.

The people around us and the pool particularly went nuts yelling and screaming for someone to save her, that she was drowning... too bad it was only waist deep water.

Lucas and I broke out laughing hysterically, some family members looked at us as the tears came out from laughing so much and hard but for the most part they didn't notice as they were preoccupied with the dramatic 10 person in the water rescue. We collapsed onto the grassy ground in a heap, my setting on top of Lucas's lap as he continued to hold on, never letting go for the briefest of moments. After the ‘entertainment’ died down we still sat, just content with each other. He would kiss the back of my neck and trace the tattoo that lay there every once and a while randomly, while I played with the end of my dress and his fingers on the hand that intertwined my own.

We stayed in our own little world until the meal was actually served... and things got a little...dramatic.

Nichcoli being the motivator behind the sudden uproar.

No surprise there...