Slow Burn

“Loved ones back home all crying 'cause they're already missing me.”

Through the first half of the wake, I managed to keep my composure. A few tears were shed here and there, but I didn’t make a scene, I didn’t break down and cry like I had planned on. Seeing my brother lying in a coffin was actually much less painful than I had imagined, either that, or I was in so much shock, my brain couldn’t even comprehend it, and I would be feeling the real emotions later.

How I could wish it wasn’t the later, but wishing only gets so far, I suppose.

At the break between ‘showings’, The boys and Val informed me that they were going to a local restaurant for some lunch, and that I should really come. Stomach grumbling loudly, I shook my head. Hunger was the least of my problems at this point, the biggest problem was being in this place, and if I left it, I would never want to come back.

“Kims”, Zacky said taking a step forward. His mouth opened to speak when he was tugged back by Brian, his eyes tired and finally showing the wear and tear this had had on him. The normal bright brown eyes were dull and almost black. Pain and anger rushed through them and as he looked over at me, he nodded in understanding then muttered something to Zacky.

“I’m just going to wait outside”, my voice was small and raspy like I had been silent for weeks. The urge to go outside and have a cigarette washed through me, and without thinking, I blurted it out. “Can I get a cigarette from anyone?” All of the boys’ eyes blew up to the size of saucers, some in surprise, some in shock, and of course Matt’s in anger; that protective anger that I got whenever I asked to do something stupid to Jimmy or anyone of the guys. It wasn’t my fault that I had grown a liking for them after my life altering incident in college. I managed to be strong enough to go days without one, but now, I felt like if I didn’t have one, I’d die.

Taking a step forward, he leaned down toward me and with wide angry eyes gave me a tight smile, “Pardon me, Kimberly?”

Sighing, Val put a hand on Matt’s chest and pushed him away. “This is not the time to be all fatherly. She’s twenty-three, if she smokes that’s her decision”, Val snapped and looked into Matt who was still staring at me like I was an alien.

“You’d never smoke. You always-“

“I lied,” I snapped angrily, my voice loud and aggressive, a tone I hadn’t used since back in the days when I would fight with my parents.

His eyes softened and he leaned back, looking at me with an emotion I couldn’t detect. “I’m not giving you any, you’d have to ask Johnny, Zacky, or Brian”, he whispered turning to Val and walking her outside. As they left the room I turned to watch Johnny walk up to me and grab my face between his hands.

With a smile, he kissed my forehead and for a moment I thought he would lend me one, “K-baby, you’re not a smoker” he stated. “I will not add fuel to the fire. You’re better than that,” he said and walked away before I could protest. As my eyes landed on Zacky fighting with Brian, I rolled my eyes and walked out behind Johnny. As I sat down on the funeral home steps, I pressed my legs together remembering I was in a dress, and put my face in my hands, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. Maybe they were right, maybe I could go through this without a cigarette, I had told myself I would stop months ago, and I almost did. But when things got rough, one always calmed me down.

Then after I felt good with that one, I would go buy a pack. Every little thing that upset me, I would smoke. When the pack was gone, I would tell myself that I wasn’t going to become a smoker. It would work for a while until another thing came up, and the break would end.

You could say Jimmy dying was the end of my break that I had for almost four months, but for some reason, I felt if I bought a pack this time, it would become a normal thing, that’s why I just wanted one. Just one.

“When did you start?” The voice was familiar and as I realized who it is, a bitter feeling washed over me, but it was quickly covered by embarrassment. It was Brian, the boy who walked in on my breakdown last night. Sighing, I looked down at my hands and remembered how strong I used to be around him, how he would be the only person to see me cry.

His question entered my thoughts and I shrugged. “Two, three years ago”, I said and kept my eyes on my little black high heel shoes. “It’s not a steady thing.”

“It’s going to be if you start again.”

“I can control myself. I’m strong enough-“

“You used to be”, he whispered and looked over at me, his eyes caring although his words were dripping with attitude I wasn’t sure I could put up with. “Is that why you flinch, the same reason you started smoking?”

“Leave, Brian.”

“Am I right?” he pressed, his eyes angry now. After a period of shaking my head as his mouth spit out words, I turned to him, eyes raging mad. Standing up so I could for once in my life tower over him, I took in a deep breath and screamed ‘yes’. Staring at me with those huge brown caring eyes, I walked down the rest of the steps and started to walk the opposite way the guys were going. “Where are you going?” Brian screamed urgently after me, but I didn’t answer him. I just kept walking until I found a local convince store.

Walking in, I went right up to the counter and peered behind the bored man reading a magazine. There was a wall filled with them. After a deep inhale, I pulled out my I.D and slapped it on the countertop. “Pack of Newport’s”, I sighed and grabbed a checkered lighter that was on the counter and threw it next to my I.D. As he set the things down, he glanced at my license, handed it back and then informed me that the total was ten dollars and some change.

Handing him a twenty, I took the pack and quickly pulled the plastic off. As I crumpled the plastic and shoved it into my purse, I grabbed my change and the lighter, mumbled a thank you, and ran out of the store and walked back to the Funeral home steps.

Sitting down, I dropped my purse to my side, and pulled out a cigarette. Staring at it neatly placed between my fingers, I sighed heavily. This was something I told myself I would never do again, I promised Jimmy four months ago that no matter what happened to just talk to him instead of doing this to myself. But now, he wasn’t there to talk to, so what was I supposed to do? Sure, there was Zacky, Johnny, and Matt, but I they weren’t the same. They weren’t Jimmy.

One went by quickly, and the feeling was too good. I pulled out another, and inhaled deeply on every drag. When it was done, I went to pull out another when I heard a car pull up. Eyes cast down to the pack; I grabbed another one and lit it. Taking the first inhale, I heard loud footsteps and then the small wrap of paper between my lips was being pressed into the sidewalk.

“What the fuck man?” I looked up and for a moment I swore the boy in front of me was Jimmy, scowling, but as I blinked hard and gasped for a deep breath, the boy in front of me morphed into Brian, his expression nothing like the angry one I had just imagine.

Sucking in a deep breath, he leaned down and grabbed my carton of cigarettes away and the lighter. Flipping the top open, he looked in then jerked his eyes back to me. “You already had three!”

Leaning back crossing my legs at my ankles I informed the boy I had nearly two and a half, because of his interruption. Brushing of my words, he grabbed one and then sat down next to me. Putting the carton on the other side of him, he placed the paper between his lips, curled his hand around the end, and flipped the lighter. Once it was lit, he shook the flame out, and then set it next to the carton.

“You always had shitty taste”, he pointed out as he exhaled a cloud of smoke. “I mean…” Glancing over at me, he sighed heavily and turned his face away from me. “You picked out shitty friends, shitty boyfriends, had shitty parents, the only thing nice thing you had was Jimmy.”

My eyes wandered to him. His features were stone and cold implying his words were serious, his brown eyes were staring straight ahead into the street, and as he took a long drag from the burning paper between his lips, he ran a hand through his hair and clenched his left fist. “You were a great friend, Brian”, I whispered looking over at him. He was a dick to me for the last few days, but I didn’t have it in me at the moment to return the favor.

“If I was a good friend we would have never lost touch. You know I was a shitty friend, you just can’t say it.” The attitude was back.

“I was being nice.”

“I don’t need the sympathy”, he hissed as he took the remains of his cigarette and flicked it into the road. As he stood up, he turned to me and threw his arms up in the air. I flinched but tried to play it off. “And why do you keep flinching!”

Shaking my head, I got up and walked a few steps around him, then back next to him. As he turned to me, I grabbed my recently purchased items, then walked passed him, making our shoulders collide. As he stumbled down to the next step, I grabbed my purse and started walking down the steps. “Where the fuck are you going?” He called after me, jogging down the steps and stopping in the middle of the sidewalk.

Instead of turning around and telling him I would be back sometime during the second half of the wake, I just raised my hand, put all of my fingers down but one, and continued walking. I wasn’t sure where I was going, but anywhere was better than standing next to him for another hour.

I thought things were going well, I thought I could get my friend back.

Wrong.

- - - - - - -
Last night when I arrived back at the wake, everything was back to normal. Brian couldn’t even bear to look at me. The guys nagged me about just walking away like that all alone, and the pure shock that my brother was in front of me, in a coffin, still hadn’t set in, leaving my face dry. The only thing that was different was the overbearing urge to walk outside and have a cigarette, something I hadn’t felt in a very long time. It actually frightened me.

What if Brian was right, what if I wasn’t strong enough anymore?

The question of my strength occupied my mind for the rest of the wake, and all through the night until the next day when I was all dolled up, sitting in between Zacky and Johnny in the back of a limo heading toward the cemetery. The church ceremony that had just happened was a blur before my eyes. I stumbled my way through those two hours, my mind numb, my heart beat slow and painful.

When we passed Jimmy’s apartment, I watched all of the guys stiffen, and then there was Brian, who had been forced to sit right in front of me. As his eyes attached to the house slowly moving by us, his whole face hardened; teeth clenched, fingers digging into his knees, he tore his eyes away from the house and looked down. All of the others guys started to speak and try to get me involved in the conversation, but all I could do was stare at Brian. The same Brian that never shed a tear in his life, the same Brian that was now sitting across from me, rivers of tears falling from his eyes, and why, because his best friend was dead.

Then, it all seemed to hit me.

His best friend, my best friend, my brother. If Brian was crying, it had to be true. Suddenly, the gears inside of my head started to turn, and all of the shock that had frozen it yesterday had worn off. I was sitting in a limo, following a hearse with my brother, in a coffin, dead. We passed his house that was now vacant, and we were heading to a cemetery where he would be, forever.

I felt sick to my stomach. My body started to shiver even though the heat was on high in the limo, and I was stuck between two guys that were very close to me. Once the shaking became more violent, Zacky glanced down at me and noticed. Inhaling deeply, he put his arm around me and pulled me into him, but even that didn’t do a thing. I sat there, I shook, and I cried. Not subtle tears, but full blown hysterics. It had all hit me, and it was hitting me hard.

“Oh Christ”, Zacky whispered and then quickly let me go and kneeled down in the little walkway of the limo and grabbed my shoulders. “Kims, Kims, look at me”, he whispered, his voice faltering after repeating my name the second time. “Kimberly, baby, come on”, I managed to shake my head. Gasping for a breath, I let out another heavy sob and buried my face in my hands, unable to bear the silence in the limo. I needed to get out, I needed a cigarette, and I needed someone to know how I was feeling. I needed someone to understand, anyone to just realize that this was killing me, slowly but surely.

Before Zacky could get me to stop shaking and calm down, the limo came to a halt and the doors were opened. One by one the boys climbed out until I was the last one left in the limo. As I sat there, looking at the opened door, I wanted to just lay down on the seats, shut my eyes, and wake up from this dream I kept wishing I was in, but instead, I scooted myself down the seats, leaving my purse in the limo, and crawled out into the cold air.

The line of cars behind us all parked and as the people got out of them, they walked over to the gravesite that was all decorated in flowers, and a metal box around the neatly dug six foot hole. Watching them gather around, I noticed the priest standing there and then I saw the few men carrying the casket. From there, the rest of the small ceremony was almost as big of a blur as the church.

Zacky put his arm around me and dragged me over to the first row, right next to the contraption that now had the closed casket in it. The priest droned on and on about whatever was written in his little book and all of the people around us started to cry. No matter how tough they looked, or how much they were strong before this, they were now crying, almost to the point of hysterics, and I joined right in.

The priest stopped speaking, and after making a cross with his hand, walked away allowing everyone to say their final goodbyes. It was a moment before the first person came up, and after that, everyone walked up, muttered something under their breath and practically ran away. I watched all of them, some of them acting strong, some of them expressing their true emotions. As the last person walked away, leaving the six of us, we all turned to each other.

Matt and Val went up first. He spent two minutes just standing there, mumbling things down into the hole. When he was done, he pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut, tears rushing down his face. Val, shaking her head, put her hands around him and directed him back over to the limo. Once they were gone, Johnny walked up. Shaking his head, he cursed a few times, then mumbled something into the wind and walked away, mumbling harsh words under his breath.

Next, was Zacky, at first he tried to walk with me, but I stood my ground. I didn’t want to go up with anyone. I wanted to go up alone, and ramble on and on without worrying what the person next to me was thinking. After a kiss on the forehead, Zacky walked up to the casket and stood there for what felt like forever, then after a shake of his head, he walked away.

Brian and I were left standing there. Everyone else was gone, cars had already started to leave the parking lot and the boys were all in the limo. A cold wind blew past us, and after it settled down, Brian inhaled deeply and walked away from me. I figured it would be a good time to think of what I was going to say, but just as I was about to think of something, Brian walked away leaving me free to speak to my brother one last time.

In the back of my mind a familiar song started to play, the song that I had been in love with since the boys had created it. The song that Jimmy purposely set as my ringtone, the song that he said always reminded him of me. As another wind blew my hair around, I took a deep breath and walked over to him.

“Remember how you always said that ‘Warmness of the Soul’ reminds you of me?”, I waited for a reply and soon felt like an idiot. After I shook my head, I cleared my throat and went on, “Well, it kind of reminds me of you now. I’m not sure why, but I was standing here, trying to think of something to say, and it just started to play in my head.” I took my bottom lip between my teeth. “You can probably tell I had no clue what I wanted to say. I didn’t really have much time to think about it though. I mean, I spent days thinking that you were just on vacation, like I would see you again, but once I saw Brian crying, it all kind of hit me… hard.”

“Fuck Jimmy”, I felt my legs start to shake. “I don’t know what I am going to do without you. I mean, we spoke so much, and I traveled so much to see you, that I just can’t picture myself not worrying about you texting me or getting a ticket to the show on the east coast. I can’t… I can’t picture you not in my life, Jimmy. I have no one now. What the fuck am I supposed to do without you, huh? Why the fuck did you have to leave me so soon?” My legs crumbled under the support of my shaking body.

As I fell to my knees in the grass, I covered my face in my hands and started to sob. “I fucking love you Jimmy. I really fucking do, and I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. You’re my fucking brother, and my best friend, and now you’re gone? What the fuck have you ever done to go this early? I can’t do this without you, Jimmy, I can’t fucking go on without you around. I just can’t do it”, as my ramble fell into pathetic sobs, I felt a pair of arms wrap around me.

“Come on, Kay”

“I can’t”, I screamed at whoever was trying to pull me away, “I can’t leave him here. I can’t leave him, he can’t go. I don’t want to go on without him. I don’t wanna fucking do it” I screamed as the boy pulled me into his arms and pulled me so I was standing on my feet. “Please, just lemme stay here”

“We have to go”

“No! No, we don’t. I.. I-“ my voice cracked into a sob. Opening my eyes, they came into contact with Brian’s. Tears were streaming down his face as he pulled me into his chest and held me tightly, like he always used to. “I’m not going to make it, Brian”, I wept into his chest, “not very long.”

Sighing heavily, he kissed the top of my head and then rested his chin on it. As he held me tightly as I started to shake he let out a few more tears and shook his head a little. “I’ll watch her for you”, he whispered and then kissed the top of my head again, “I fucking promise, Jimmy, I fucking promise you.”

Your hazel green tint eyes watching every move I make.
And that feeling of doubt, it's erased.
I'll never feel alone again with you by my side.
You're the one, and in you I confide.
And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love was always on my mind.
You've been there from the start for me.
And your love's always been true as can be.
I give my heart to you.
I give my heart, cause nothing can compare in this world to you.
And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love was always on my mind.
You've been there from the start for me.
And your love's always been true as can be.
I give my heart to you.
I give my heart, cause nothing can compare in this world to you.
I give my heart to you.
I give my heart, cause nothing can compare in this world to you.