Slow Burn

“Can't you help me as I'm startin' to burn”

They didn’t take me home like I had wanted. Instead, the limo went straight to the restaurant and when it parked itself near the front door, I watched Matt look over at me. He informed me I was going, that I had to go. As he looked at me, I sunk my body deeper into the seat. “Kimberly, this is for your brother, what would people think if you weren’t here?” I looked up at him, unable to believe that he was trying to guilt me into this.

“Fuck you, Sanders!” I snapped and watched Johnny smirk, if there was one thing in the world he loved more than girls and beer, it was people yelling at the ‘Almighty M. Shadows’. “I’m not going and I don’t give a fuck about what the people in there think of me!”

He went to say something when he was elbowed right in the ribs. As he winced in pain, he turned to his left to see Brian moving out of his seat. Once he was free, he walked over to me, grabbed my hand, and dragged me out of the limo. Once my feet were on the pavement, he put both hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes. Tears were still streaming down his face, causing every bad feeling I had toward him to fade away.

Before he could speak, I moved in a little closer to him and ran my hand over his cheeks, brushing away the tears. “You never cry”, I whispered into the cold air around us. Taking a step back, Brian nodded a little and took a deep breath.

“I never had a good enough reason to. Well, I cried before, but you weren’t around”, the end of the sentence was smothered in a bitter tone, but as it hung in the air, he sighed heavily and dropped his head down. “Listen, I don’t want to be here either”, my eyes widened in surprise. Brian was always up for a get together, especially if it was a chance to drink beer and eat. “I just can’t do it today”, nodding I watched as his eyes caught onto someone behind me.

A second later, I found out who it was. “Kimberly”, I inwardly smiled at his voice, “Great to see you again”, I turned fully around to face Mr. Haner, the smile on his face just as big as any other time I would drop by Brian’s house. “I’m sorry about-“, he paused and looked up at Brian. After a moment, he nodded and took me into a quick hug. “Should we go in?”

“Dad, I was wondering if I could borrow your car. Kay doesn’t really want to…”

“Of course, Brian”, he said and dug into his pocket to pull at his keys. As he did, he looked over at me and him and smiled. “I’ll ride back in the limo to get it, alright?”

Nodding, Brian’s dad handed over his keys, bid us a goodbye and then walked up to the front door. As he was about to open it, the door opened and Zacky walked out. When he noticed Brian’s dad, he made a small conversation, and then walked down the steps and sat on the last one. Looking at Brian and me, he shook his head a little, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

As soon as I saw the small burning paper between his lips, I needed one. Nothing was bothering me at the moment, but just seeing someone else smoke, made me want to. When we reached the car, I walked around to my side, opened the door and set my bag down on the passenger’s side seat. Pulling out the carton and lighter, I walked to the back of the car, which turned out to be a BMW, and leaned against the bumper.

Lighting it up, I placed the lighter and carton on the top of the trunk, and then inhaled deeply, shutting my eyes as the intoxicating smoke filled my head. Exhaling upward and opening my eyes, I noticed someone next to me. “I’m not sure if I should approve of this or not”, Brian stated running his hand across his cheeks for what seemed like the last time. “On the bright side I can steal them from you whenever I want”, he said as a cigarette hung from in between his lips. Instead of yelling at him for stealing another one, I diverted my eyes up to the sky. “But then there’s the fact that you’re too good of a person to be a smoker. I promised Jimmy I’d take care of you, and I’m sure letting you smoke is me not taking care of you.”

“I’m a big girl”, I stated looking at him from the corner of my eye, “I can handle this myself. It’ll be like every other time. Once the pack’s gone, I’m done.”

For a moment, Brian went to speak, but then sunk back down against the trunk and took another drag from the paper. “Promise me”, he stated turning completely toward me. As he pulled the paper from his mouth and flicked it into the pen street behind him. Eyes glued to mine; he stood up straight and took a deep breath. “Promise me, Kay”, he stated in a rough tone.

I wanted to. I wanted to just look up at him and tell him I’d never smoke again once the pack was done. I wanted to tell myself that too, but I knew there was no way I was going to be able to. Maybe I’d last a week, but the second I got back to New York, or once everything settled down and the guys went back to doing their thing, it would start again. This time there would be no breaks between buying packs. That part of my life died with Jimmy, a lot of things died with Jimmy, and because of that, I was going to be a different person. It scared me, but I also embraced it with open arms. I didn’t want to be the old me anymore, so anything different was a welcome.

“I’m not promising”, I flicked the cigarette butt into the road and walked back into the car. Shutting the door, I placed my purse on my lap and watched Brian get into the car and look at me, not even shutting the door. “I can’t promise you. You’re right, I’m not strong anymore, that died a while ago, and now I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m going to stop smoking. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I just don’t know”

With that, he shut the door and started the car. The whole drive to the house was silent except for the light hum of the radio. I had noticed one of the songs, but only because I could tell Matt’s voice apart from anyone’s. Once that song had passed, I went into another bunch of songs that I didn’t know. Then, as another Avenged Sevenfold song came on, Brian pulled up to the house and pulled the key out of the car shutting the song off.

Getting out, he shut the door, and then leaned against it. After a few minutes, he pushed off the car and walked into the house, slamming the front door behind him. I decided to stay in the car until all of the warm air burnt up and turned cold. As it started to nip at my bare skin, I slowly opened the door, put my bag over my shoulder, then dragged my body up the front walk way, and to the front door. When I reached it, I sighed heavily and pulled out a cigarette and quickly lit it.

Leaning against the railing, I took my time smoking it, and when it was gone, walked back down to the street and flicked it into the center. Turning on my heels and walked back up to the door, I walked in and noticed the small glow of the TV. Glancing in, I caught glimpse of Brian lying on the couch, an open bottle of beer on the table. Shaking my head, I walked up to my room and sat down on the edge of my bed.

I sat there for what felt like hours before I decided it would be a good idea to change. Peeling off of my dress, I threw it on the floor and kicked off my high heels. Opening my suitcase, I pulled out a tank top and sweats and carefully slipped them on. Throwing my hair up in a pony tail, I looked down at the dress on the floor and blinked hard.

This dress reminded me of today; this dress reminded me of something I never thought would happen in my life. Anger pulsing through my veins, I quickly grabbed my cigarettes and lighter, shoved them in my pocket and walked down stairs, no specific destination set in my mind. I just wanted to get out of the house. My heavy footsteps echoed through the living room, then the TV was muted and Brian cleared his throat.

“Where the fuck are you going?”

“Like you really fucking care”, I snapped viciously and watched as he sat up on the couch and looked at me, with wide eyes. He wasn’t hurt, nor was he angry; he was just shocked, sort of like the same look he gave me when I informed him that he should be in a coffin instead of my brother.

Those words started to rattle my brain, and before I could comprehend, I was sitting on the front steps, another cigarette burning between my lips. As I placed it between my shaking fingers, I exhaled and ran a hand through my hair. A large part of me wanted to cry, hysterically all over again because of my brother, but there was something that was stopping me.

After I had finished my cigarette, I looked around to see if there was an ashtray, but instead, the porch was clean. Sighing heavily, I stood up and looked behind me to see Brian leaning against the door. Gasping and dropping the remains of my cigarette, I slapped my hand against my heart and looked at him, grabbing onto the railing before my body went tumbling down the cement steps. “Are you trying to kill me?” I snapped letting go of the railing and taking a deep breath.

“I would have killed you already, if I wanted to”, he said slyly as he shut the door behind him and walked over to me. His cheeks shimmered in the moonlight showing that he had been crying, but as I looked into his eyes, they were clear of any tears. “Since I can’t sit on the couch without crying my eyes out like a pussy, I have decided that I am going to go drink myself into oblivion on the beach. Would you like to join me?”

For a moment I wanted to shake my head and walk back to the house, but as I locked eyes with Brian, and that pleading look covered his face, I caved and bowed my head down. I was never much of a drinker, but I suppose now, with the circumstances, some alcohol wouldn’t be that bad. I mean, it’s going to be one time, and I’m with Brian, even when he was drunk he still made sure I didn’t do anything stupid.

“Alright, fine” I huffed and watched as his eyes blew up and he quickly grabbed my hand and walked me down the stairs. When we got to the sidewalk, he put his arm around my waist and gave me a huge smile. “I’ve already had three beers”, he stated looking ahead and sighing heavily, “I’m still sober though!”

Chuckling, I nodded and watched as he looked over at me, then smiled to himself and kept walking. Silently, we walked up and down blocks, made right and left turns, until we came out on the main strip of little stores. As we made a left and walked down a few store fronts, he stopped and opened the door to a tiny liquor store. Motioning me to walk in first, I chuckled and mumbled a small thank you as I walked into the tiny store and looked at all of the bottles lined up on the walls.

As a short ring sounded through the room, Brian walked up behind me and draped his arm over my shoulders. “Would you like anything, have a preference?” He asked walking up to a fridge and grabbing a six pack of beer. Shrugging, I walked away from him and started looking at all of the bottles. Reading the labels I went from Organic Vodka, to Jack Daniels Whiskey, and then as I hit the wall that connected to the freezers filled with beer, something caught my eye.

Root beer Vodka.

“Brian!” A second later he was right next to me, the beer gone from his hands. Without any words, I pointed to the bottle and watched as he looked over at me, confused and grabbed the bottle off of the shelf.

“This is Root beer Vodka, you know, liquor, I thought you wanted a beer or-“

“I want that.” I stated quickly, looking at him with complete seriousness. After a moment of him studying my face, mostly my eyes, he sighed heavily and put the bottle in his left hand and walked away, examining the wall until he stopped and pulled off a bottle of equal size to mine. Holding it with his right hand, he walked over to the counter, paid the man and then came back to get me, handing me the bottle.

Opening the door, he let me out and then slipped his left arm around me, holding me tightly into his side. As we started to walk toward the back roads to bring us out to the beach, he started talking. He rambled on and on about how Jimmy was always so proud of me because I was never influenced by the guys. When I drank, I drank until I was a little looser, and then I would stop. If I partied, I didn’t go over the limit, I was strong, and as we got closer to the beach, Brian turned to me and begged me to promise him that after tonight that I was never going to drink like this again.

I promised him, but as we finally reached the beach, kicked our shoes off, and made our way down to the line where the waves crashed down against the sand, and I realized again that Jimmy was gone, the thought of getting completely wasted until I couldn’t think about him anymore, sounded like something I wanted to do more frequently.

We sat down where our feet would hit the water, but it wouldn’t go any further than that. Brian had already opened his bottle of Jack Daniels and took a long sip. When he pulled the bottle away, he twitched his nose then looked over at me, and smirked. “Please tell me that I didn’t pay twenty dollars for that, and you’re not going to drink it because then, I would feel the need to drink it then.” He said giving me a small smile and then took another swing of his bottle and laid down in the sand.

As a wave came down and crashed at our feet, I looked down at the bottle in my hands and sighed heavily. ‘ Sorry, Jimmy’ I thought as I opened the cap on the bottle waved it under my nose and then pressed the opening to my lips. Jerking my head back, I filled my mouth with the liquid then swallowed it and felt the liquid burn all the way down my throat. “Shit, Kay”, Brian chuckled as he sat up and pulled his feet out of the sand. “Ya’ can’t chug vodka. Well, you can, but-“

Ignoring his words, I jerked my head back again and took another mouthful except this time when I swallowed it the burn was much less painful. “I like it”, I stated simply as I took yet another gulp, “It taste like flat root beer”, chuckling Brian took a sip from his bottle and looked over at me. Smirking, he shook his head and looked down, poking his finger into the sand and dragging it until there was a line between us.

“Jimmy would fucking kill me right now”, Brian whispered as he looked up into the stars and sighed heavily. As I watched him lie back down, pain washing over his face, I took a small swing of vodka, let a small dizzy spell wear off, then pulled out my pack of cigarettes, put one between my lips, and lit it. After a drag, I heard Brian yell and sit straight up. “What the… What are you doing! Christ, Jimmy would have my dead body sinking to the bottom of the ocean by now. Since when do you smoke and drink Vodka?”

“Since I don’t give a fuck anymore”, I huffed and took another huge gulp of vodka, then smiled and held the bottle up to my face to see that I had managed to polish off a good two fifths of the bottle. Shrugging, I put the opening to my mouth, swallowed the first gulp, then another and felt it burn up in my stomach.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. A cool ocean breeze blew past us carrying the smell of the burning ocean into my senses. As it filled my head, I smiled and put out my cigarette in the pile of sand. Eyes landing on my bottle of Vodka, I took another huge sip, some of the liquid running down from the corner of my mouth, as it did. I pulled the bottle away, swallowed and then moved my tongue to try to lick it off of my face. When I couldn’t reach, I chuckled at how stupid I must have looked and fell back into the sand, some of the clear liquid spilling out.

Sighing heavily, I turned to Brian who was still staring up at the sky, his eyes tracing the bright stars in the sky. As I studied his face, I noticed his strong jaw line, and bright brown eyes. “Hey Brian”, I said turning on my side, leaving the bottle that was now half empty in the sand on the other side of me. “Brian”, I sang reaching over and tapping his shoulder. Once I pulled my hand away, he turned his face toward me and lifted his eyebrows, signaling me to ask whatever I wanted to ask.

Staring at him, I smiled and quickly got up onto my feet. After stumbling a little, I stuck my hand out to him. “Come on, I want to go swimming!” I said quickly, my eyes growing wider. For a moment, Brian stayed silent and just looked at me, his eyes wide and worried. “Come on! I haven’t been in the water in forever”

“How much did you drink?” He asked a serious tone smothering his words.

“Who the fuck cares!” I threw my hands up into the air and started to walk backwards toward the water. “Who cares about how much I drank or how cold the water is, or how I’m going to get along with my bro”, the words slipped past my lips so easily that it frightened me. That half a bottle of Vodka was definitely starting to have an effect on me, but as I looked out into the dark water and up at the dark sky, I thought about everything but the fact that Jimmy wasn’t around anymore, and I loved it. “I’m going to go in the water, okay?” I waved at Brian as I turned around and watched a huge wave coming into shore.

Smiling, I looked down and saw that I had my sweatpants on. Yelling, I watched as the wave crashed down and soaked my sweatpants all the way up to my knee. “My pants!” I screamed and ran out of the water back over to Brian who was laughing at me as he capped his bottle and set it down in the sand next to mine. “Ah-ha!” I chuckled as I walked over to my bottle in the sand. Taking a deep breath, I pulled my sweatpants off and stepped out of them. Quickly picking them off of the ground, a wave of dizziness crashed over me, and before I could stop it, I fell into the sand.

“Are you… You have no pants on”, Brian stated slowly as he kneeled down in front of me. “You should put those back on”, he stated slowly and then quickly stood back up and turned around, “Go ahead, put your pants back on”, he said and waved his hand. To this, I started to laugh.

As the dizziness passed me, I stood up and then kicked my sweatpants so they were right next to the bottle of alcohol. “You can stand there, I’m going to go swimming!” I chuckled and started to run down to the water. When I reached it, a wave crashed down on me, soaking my shirt and making me stumble back until I fell into the water. “Damn, I ruined my shirt to”, I yelled and turned to see Brian running down to the water.

“When I said I was going to drink myself into oblivion, I meant I was. That was not an invitation for you to drink yourself into oblivion!” He snapped and grabbed my hands and pulled me out of the water. “Are you alright?” He asked pushing some wet hair out of my face. With a small smile, I nodded and leaned in, kissing his cheek. When I pulled away, I walked back over to the things and grabbed my bottle of Vodka.

Opening the bottle and dropping the cap into the sand, I tilted the bottle back and let the liquid slip into my mouth. After two gulps, I sighed heavily and turned to see Brian standing next to me, pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. “What’s wrong, Brian?” I asked walking over to him taking a sip of the sweet tasting liquid. “What could you possibly be worried about in a time like this? Look at the stars, smell the ocean, drink something, it’s a beautiful night!” I sang and rested my head on Brian’s shoulder.

Sighing heavily, Brian wrapped his arm around me and then started to walk me over to where I left my pants and his bottle of whiskey. “I think it’s time we get back home”, he whispered and picked up my now completely soaking wet sweats and handed them to me. “Put these on, and-“

“I’ll finish the bottle!”

“No!” Brian screamed and just as I tilted the bottle back to suck down the last bit of liquid, he grabbed it from my hands and put his hand up to stop me from trying to grab it. “You can finish it when we get back home”, he looked over at the bottle and sighed heavily, “The five sips that you left. You finished three fourths of the bottle, what-“

Waving my hand in his face, I pulled on my wet sweatpants, then bent down and grabbed my pack of cigarettes, pulled one out, and placed it between my lips. “Light me up, Brian!”

“No, no, Kimberly. That’s enough for tonight, come on, I’m taking you home”, he snapped and pulled the cigarette from my mouth and threw it on the ground. As he took the carton and lighter from me, he shoved it into his pocket and then grabbed the two bottled in one hand, and wrapped the other around my waist.

Too tired to put up a fight, I walked down the beach with Brian. It was hard to keep my balance because of the un even sand, but luckily Brian managed to keep me standing upright. For a few minutes, I thought he was mad at me for something, but when he looked over at me and gave me a small smile, all of that worry washed from my system.

Once we hit the asphalt, we slipped back into the shoes. Walking down a block, I looked over at Brian and sighed heavily. His face was covered in pain and some anger. “Brian, why do you look so, angry?”

“I’m just thinking about some things”, he stated flatly and kept his eyes on the sidewalk in front of him. “Like Jimmy”, he tilted his head to look at me, and as the word sunk into my head, I gasped and stopped walking.

“Oh no!” Brian’s eyes widened as he turned to look at me. “Jimmy’s going to kill me when he finds out what I did! I have to go back to your place! I don’t want him to see me like this!” I screamed and quickly stumbled along, grabbing Brian’s hand and dragging him along the sidewalk. As I mumbled on and on about what Jimmy would do to me if he saw me like this, I watched as Brian’s eyes filled up with tears and then slowly dripped down his face. Instead of asking him, I kept dragging him along.

After a long walk, or at least what felt like on, we reached Brian’s house. As he walked ahead of me and opened the door, I ran inside and over to the staircase. Looking down, I misjudged the step and fell up the stairs. Giggling about how unbelievably stupid I looked, I watched as Brian walked over, his brown eyes broken. Seeing me on the steps, he faked a smile and helped me up. Walking me up the stairs, I stopped at my door and then looked over at him.

“Stay with me?”

His eyes blew up, and then settled back down to their normal size. Looking down, Brian let out a huge sigh and nodded. Opening my door, I walked inside and then looked down at my soaking wet clothes. Sighing heavily, I pulled my sweats off, then my shirt. Shivering, I dove into my sheets and curled up underneath them. “Alright, well I’ll be in my-“

“No!” I cried pulling the blankets over on the empty side of my bed. “Stay with me!”

With a heavy sigh, Brian walked over to the bed and crawled in. Lying on his back, he looked up to the ceiling and shook his head. Running a hand through his hair, he turned to me and pulled me into him. Draping his arm around my waist, I smiled and put my hand over his, pushing my fingers through his.

“Just like old times, right Brian?” I asked. He nodded a little and then kissed the top of my head and then set his chin on it. “So tomorrow, we’ll tell Jimmy I just had a little, alright? He’d probably love that stuff too, you think?” I felt Brian’s chest tighten. After a few seconds, he nodded and pulled me a little closer. As a few water droplets hit the top of my head, he took a deep breath and kissed the top of my head again.

“Let’s just worry about this tomorrow, alright?” Nodding, I shut my eyes and fell asleep with one thought on my mind.

I have to drink like this more often.