Slow Burn

“Trashed and scattered again, I'm feelin' so low”

As soon as our eyes connected, his words still screaming in my head, I started to back up. He watched me and as soon as he realized that I was going to run, he lunged forward, trying to grab onto anything to keep me here. But I jerked back too quickly and as he fell on all fours, I turned away from him and ran. Through the back door, through the house with Zacky and Johnny screaming out me, and right out of the front door. Leaving it wide open, I ran down the steps, the front walkway, and all the way down the block. When I reached the crosswalk, I wanted to stop, but my body had a different idea.

I kept running, and running, and running. My feet were numb, my chest was tight, and sweat was dripping off of me, but despite all of that and the pain, I kept running. Every time I would blink, Brian’s devastated eyes would be staring back at me, and it made me completely sick.

Eventually, blocks away from the house, I collapsed onto the sidewalk, in pain, crying, and out of breath. Gasping for air as my heart pounded roughly in my chest, I slammed my fists down onto the uneven sidewalk and tried to fight against the tears falling from my eyes. When the edges of my hands were raw and bleeding, my hands took one last hit to the sidewalk and then stayed there, letting the red liquid pulsing through my body leak out onto the cement.

“Fuck, Jimmy”, I cried into the cement, my hands in too much pain to even move. “What am I supposed to do? How could you fucking leave me like this?” My throat was burning, like someone was scrapping a knife along the inside, but I still cried. “I can’t do it. I don’t want to fight with them, I don’t want to go back home, and I really don’t want to hurt Brian”, my stomach knotted tightly, tighter than I had ever experienced.

This was it for me, this was my final breakdown. I was done crying over him, I was done worrying about what everyone thought of me; I just couldn’t take it anymore, not without him. If there was no James Owen Sullivan, there would be no Kimberly Anne Sullivan.

I spent what felt like days, just sitting on the sidewalk. By the time my tears had finally subsided, it was sometime during the night, and the streetlights had flicked on over my head. The wind was whipping at my bare skin, making my shiver, but I couldn’t find it in me to move.

Then, a door opened. That sound was followed by footsteps, and when those stopped, a small pressure of a hand on my shoulder ran through my body. Jumping up, I turned around to see a man, a hard expression on my face. For a moment, the way his nose seemed so sharp and jaw line so strong, I thought it was my father, but after a few blinks, I realized it was just a stranger.

“I’d like you to get off of my property”, he stated angrily. It was a similar tone to the one Matt used on me early in the day, but his was rougher in a way, like he would say or do anything to me without any second thought, Matt contained that because he knew me, because he cared about me, I guess. “Come on, get-“, his voice stopped. I turned slightly around to see his eyes wide and staring at me, my raw cut up hands, tear stained cheeks, and hollow eyes. “Should I call someone?” His tone seemed to soften, but it didn’t really hit me. I still saw him as an angry man kicking me off of the sidewalk in front of his house.

Shaking my head, I pulled myself off of the sidewalk and turned to him. Wiping my hand onto my shirt, I ripped off the small scabs that had formed and they started to bleed again. “I’m leav-“, the rest of what I had wanted to say fell into my throat. The house I had collapsed in front of, the one that the man had walked out of was the same home from my childhood. The same house Jimmy and I lived in. The same place where all of us went to the beach and hung out, smiling, laughing, having a good time. Not worrying about life at all.

Tears started to stream down my eyes, and before the man could say anything, I started to run down the street. How I managed to run with my legs and feet so sore, I wasn’t sure, but something made me do it. Maybe it was the adrenaline from seeing something I never wanted to see again. Maybe it was Jimmy helping me, giving me a little push, but then again, I’m sure Jimmy wouldn’t want me to die, he would want me to move on, keep living. But I just couldn’t do it.

I ended up in front of the same store that Brian had taken me to the day before, when we had bought our bottles of alcohol, went to the beach, and drank, well at least I did. For a moment, I wanted to walk passed it, find a bridge, and jump off, but instead I watched as my body navigated through the people on the sidewalk, some of them giving me odd looks, and right into the liquor store. Once inside, I walked up to the huge wall of glass bottles and paused.

If buying all of them was a choice I would. Whatever had the highest percentage of alcohol was what I wanted, but I had no patience to check every bottle on the wall, instead I walked up to the counter and waited for the man reading the newspaper to look up at me. When he did, I gave him no time to ask about my condition. “What has the highest alcohol percentage?” I snapped angrily, keeping my eyes right on his.

“Miss, I don’t think you-“

“Just tell me which one!” I yelled.

“Bacardi 151! It’s with the rum on the left side of the wall, it’s-“

“I’ll take a bottle of that and a pack of Newport’s and a lighter,” I reached into my pocket, pulled out whatever I had, and slammed it onto the counter. After he turned and slid the pack onto the counter with the lighter neatly placed on top of it, I grabbed it and walked away from him. Walking over to the wall of bottles, I stumbled over to the left, and searched until I found it. Smiling a little, I grabbed the bottle and headed for the door. As I opened it, the bell rang and I heard the man call out for me to grab my change. Instead of going back for it, I kept walking. I wouldn’t need any money, anyway.

I started walking around the same streets I was on before. Where I was headed I wasn’t sure, but all I knew was that I had a bottle of very strong alcohol and a pack of cigarettes and they all needed to go tonight. With a heavy sigh, I took a swing of the liquid in the bottle and immediately felt my stomach churn. When they said this was strong, they were not kidding.

The burning the liquid added to my throat made me want to throw up and start crying from pain, but as the pain ran through my body, it took my mind off of everything and everyone else. So in a small attempt to keep myself from losing it, I kept taking small sips of the liquid. I kept baring the pain. I wanted the pain.

For what felt like hours I kept walking, baring the pain I was putting myself through. When I had reached the house from my memories, I paused for a moment, wishing I could run through the door, up the stairs, and right into Jimmy’s room, right into his arms, but as the memory of the man yelling at me came back, I turned away from the home and kept walking.

Down the next street, I made a left and followed it until another familiar house came up before me. It wasn’t Jimmy’s old apartment or the house I was staying at now, it was Brian’s old house, the one where I would come over to watch the band practice, eat dinner with his family, or stay the night when I knew my parents were coming home and Jimmy was going out or by his girlfriend’s house.

My eyes traced over every little detail of the home as I stood on the sidewalk, an open bottle of Bacardi in one hand, and a burning cigarette in the other. If I could go back to the first day we met, I would run from him. The last thing I ever wanted to do to that boy was hurt him, and today, this whole week, my whole life; all I have ever done was hurt him.

Guilt washed over me, my limbs felt like they had ten pound weights on them, and just lifting the bottle to my mouth felt like it used all of my energy. After the small period of extreme pain from the burning liquid sliding down my throat, I looked back up at the house and watched as someone walked out of the door and over to me.

The man just stared at me. From the small light of the streetlight, I could only see a little of his face, but when I caught glimpse of his familiar huge brown eyes, I knew that it could only be one person. Brian Haner, Sr. “Kimberly?” He went to put his hand on my shoulder when I jerked back, my eyes growing wide. “The boys have been going crazy looking for you, come inside, you look like a mess, come-“

“Thank you, Mr. Haner”, I whispered backing up away from him, “but I have to go.” I turned my back to him and started to walk away. Looking down, the ground started to move, and when I jerked my eyes back up I got dizzy and almost let myself stumble into the street. Luckily, I managed to catch myself and I kept walking down the street, smoking my cigarette and trying to figure out where my body was headed.

Taking a swing of the liquid, I listened as Mr. Haner screamed for me, screamed for me not to do anything stupid. He begged me to just come back because if I did do something stupid, Brian would be devastated. He already lost his best friend, he couldn’t handle loosing me too.

His words didn’t faze me; I kept walking.

What felt like minutes later, I was on the beach? I didn’t know how I got there, or where I was on the beach, but I was there. My shoes weren’t on my feet and I had somehow made my way all the way down to the water, and lit another cigarette. The bottle in my hand had a quarter of the liquid left, and the carton of cigarettes I had just bought was half empty.

Finishing the cigarette, I took the lighter, shoved it into the carton and then threw it behind me. Where it landed, I didn’t care. I had smoked enough today, now all I wanted to do was stand in the cold water and drink the last of this bottle. A wave came down and crashed against my feet. The cool water made my whole body shiver. Enjoying the feeling, I let my body collapse into the sand.

The ocean burn filled my senses and as I sat there, letting the wave’s crash down near me, the water running up soaking through my clothes, I smiled a real genuine smile. As the water retreated back into the ocean, I crawled back a little so barely any water would hit my feet, and then lay down in the sand.

Stars shimmering bright above me, I took the bottle I was holding and threw it into the sand next to me. As the tiny bit of alcohol dripped out, I turned my attention back to the stars hanging above me and let more tears slip from my eyes. “I really wish you were here with me, Jimmy.” I called up to the sky as a huge wave crashed down and broke the serene feel of the beach. “I’m so lost without you. It’s barely been a week without you, and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to get better; I don’t want to get over this. I want you back”, I ended in a scream burning my raw neck.

“I don’t even care if you’re disappointed in me, Jimmy. I’m so sorry, but I just can’t do it”, I cried out into the dark night hoping, wishing, that his voice would sound through the night; I just received silence. “I can’t do this to the guys any longer. I’m too broken; I can’t hold them down like this. They don’t need me”, I blinked hard and then rubbed the tears away with a hand covered in sand.

“Brian needs someone better than me anyway. He can’t love me, Jimmy, I won’t let him do it. He deserves so much better than me, so much better”, I ended in a whisper as the half moon shinning down on the beach was covered with a cloud leaving the beach pitch black.

Shutting my eyes, trying to stop the tears, I thought back to the first time I slept over Brian’s house. The first time we said I love you to each other, in what I thought was just between really good friends.

“Toothbrush, toothpaste, pajamas, underwear, bra, change of clothes, Nikes, hair products, freaky tampons, condoms?” The last thing on the check list made my breath catch in my chest and my cheeks turn bright red. Leave it to my brother to make a very inappropriate comment at the very wrong time.

Slapping his hand away from my backpack, I quickly zipped it up and slung it over my right shoulder. “That’s gross, Jimmy! Brian’s one of my best friends, and I don’t like him like that anyway.” Pushing some hair behind my ear, I looked up at my brother, a smug smile plastered on his face. “Don’t fucking look at me like that, loser. You know I don’t like Brian like that!” I roared defensively. After a moment, the blue eyed boy in front of me let out a laugh and pulled me into his side.

“I know, I’m just saying”, he started walking me toward the front door. Brian and his dad were waiting out in front of the house. They decided to be nice and come pick me up instead of me walking the five blocks to their house tonight. Luckily, they were also nice enough to let me stay at their house. Jimmy spoke to our mother yesterday, they were on their way home and our father was not very happy, so to play it safe, Jimmy decided to stay over his girlfriend, Alex’s house, and I decided to ask Brian. “You and Brian would be a great couple, then you could get married, and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything!”

Shaking my head, I went on my tiptoes and grabbed Jimmy’s face with my right hand. Squeezing his face, I kissed his cheek then went back to my normal height and opened the door. “Why are you so abnormal? Any other guy would want his sister as far away from his friends as possible, and here you are, trying to get me to fuck one.”

“Not fuck, have sex with. There’s a difference, and it will all happen in good time. I just wanted to pack condoms just in case you finally realized how handsome little Haner is, so then when your hormones got the best of you, there wouldn’t be any little Kimbers or Brian’s running around!”

“Okay!” I screamed wrapping my arms around my brother tightly. “I’m going to go now. You have fun not making little Alex’s and Jimmy’s tonight. Text me and let me know you’re alright”, with a smile I let go of my brother and gave him one last kiss on the cheek before trotting down the front steps and over to Brian’s dads car. Walking up to the backseats, I swung the door open and hoped in.

I was greeted warmly by Brian and his father. After the normal question ‘Do you have everything?’, I answered in the affirmative and sat back in my seat, turning out of the window to wave at Jimmy who was standing by the front door, that same smug smile on his face from before. Just that one smile made me irritated. I loved my brother to death, I would do anything for him, but he knew how to push my buttons.

Brian and I started a small conversation about school, how it was going to be his last year and my second. Halfway through him telling me how to pass my Chemistry class without really doing anything, we arrived at his house and he quickly got out of the car and opened my door. Reaching over me, he grabbed my bag and put it over his shoulder.

“Ass, I can carry my own bag”, I gave his shoulder a light punch as I walked next to him up to the front door of the house. When we reached the front door, I went to grab the bag back when he took a huge step a head of me and smiled. “Brian, you little ass, I can carry my own bag!”

“I want to carry your bag”

“Fool!” I snapped and quickly followed him up the stairs over to his room. Opening the door, he walked in and then stood there until I walked in. Shutting it behind me, he put my bag on his bed, walked over to me and wrapped me into a huge hug. “I may love your hugs, but you’re still a fool”, grumbling something, Brian nodded and then placed his head on my shoulder and grunted.

Chuckling a little, I rested my head on his and gave him a small squeeze. “Is wittle baby Bwian tired?” I said in a mocking tone. For a minute, he didn’t respond, but as I picked my head off of his, he slowly raised his head and looked at me with narrowed eyes and a huge smile.

“Yes, Kay, I am quite tired. I’ve been worrying about you all day, takes a lot out of me”, shaking my head I broke the hug between us and walked over to my bag. Grabbing my pajamas, I snapped at him, informing him that I could take care of myself, and that I didn’t need him worrying about me. He just rolled his eyes and turned away from me. Pulling his shirt off, he walked over to the dresser and as he went to grab another shirt, I looked over at him, my eyes getting caught up in his bare chest. When he noticed he leaned up against the dresser and smirked making my cheeks turn bright red no matter how hard I tried to hide it. “Like what you see, baby cakes?”

“You have weird nipples, I’m going to go change, alright bye”, I said in one breath and then quickly walked out of the room smiling to myself. Whenever I found myself in one of these awkward situations, making a rude joke always seemed to kill my blush and make the person teasing me stop right away.

Of course, my tactic worked. When I walked back into the room, Brian was already curled up in his bed, a new shirt on. When I shut the door behind me, he rolled over in the bed and looked at me, a small smile lit up on his lips. After a moment of silence when his eyes ran up and down my body, he chuckled laid flat on his back. “Aren’t you a little young to be dressing like a whore?”

My eyes quickly jerked down. I had on a black tank top and a pair of shorts. This is what I walked around the house in all of the time, every night this is what I slept in. Brian had seen me like this plenty of times. He was obviously just another one who liked to press my buttons. “Oh shut up, duckweed” I roared and walked over to the bed, getting in and snuggling under the covers. “If I really wanted to dress like a whore, I would have pulled out some lace underwear and one of those nice little frilly see through shirts. You know the lacey ones with-“

“If you keep talking I’m going to need a long cold shower”, he chuckled. Without another word, I fake gagged and turned my back to his. Curling the sheets up to my chin, I smiled and took in a deep breath. Some people would be awkward sleeping in a bed with your best guy friend for the first time, but for me, it just felt normal. I knew Brian for years, he was a perverted fuck sometimes, but it was all out of fun, and I realized that.

I was half asleep when the bed moved and I felt a hand slip around my waist. Eyes snapping open, I quickly turned around to come face to face with Brian. A small smirk held its place on his lips, and his eyes, even though it was dark in the room, were shimmering. “Have you ever heard of a personal bubble and or square? You can’t just spoon with someone without a warning!” I snapped trying to hold back my laughter.

“My house, I do what I want.”

“Oh god”, I shook my head then moved closer to Brian and placed my head in his chest. With that, he pulled me in closer to him and put his chin on the top of my head. “Have to admit, you’re pretty comfortable”, I whispered as I put my arms around him and smiled from the body heat.

After a short nod, the conversation crumbled between us. I didn’t really mind it though, there wasn’t much else to say, and I was getting tired. “Hey, Kimberly?” Brian’s voice broke into my thoughts as soon as I was about to drift into a deeper stage of sleep.

Replying with a simple ‘Mhmm’, he moved a little away from me and tilted my face so that our eyes were aligned. Not taking in the seriousness of the moment because I was half asleep, I smiled up at him and waited for him to speak again. “Well, I was thinking a lot and, well, I…” his eyes grew a little, and I felt the smile start to fall off of my face. “I... I love you, Kimberly”, he said quickly.

I could only smile. Pulling him into a hug, I reached up and pecked him on the cheek. “Fuck man, I love you too. You’re my best friend, Bri, how could I not?”

He stayed silent for a long time after that. When I looked back into his eyes, they were cloudy and dull. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, ask him if it was something I said, but as I was about to say something, a small smile formed on his lips and he kissed my forehead. “Good, now let’s get to sleep”, his voice was soft, and as he pulled me back into his chest, I smiled and shut my eyes, hoping I could fall back asleep in the same comfy spot as before.

My eyes snapped back open taking in the dark sky above me. Clouds had covered all of the little stars I was screaming at earlier, and the water had moved back further, not even the biggest waves coming close to touching me. As the memory started to fade back into my memory I let a sob escape my lips and I sat up, pulling my soggy body into a small ball.

“I’m so sorry Brian.” I cried out into the night. “I… I think I love you too. But it doesn’t matter, I don’t matter anymore”, I ended in a small whisper and with blurry vision and a huge knot in my stomach I reached over to the bottle I had dropped in the sand. Without thinking, I took it by the neck and smashed it against the wet sand. When it didn’t break, I just did it again, harder and harder until the bottle shattered into many little pieces and a few huge shards.

Taking the sharpest fragment of the bottle into my hand, I looked at it through my blurry eyes. Was this really going to be my end? Slicing my wrists open on the beach that held so many good memories for all of the guys? Bleeding out all over the sand that Jimmy, Brian, and I always used to lie in when we were bored at night? There were so many good memories here, how could I damper it with such a horrible one; my death?

More guilt started to weigh down on my shoulders, and as more tears slipped my eyes, I threw my body back into the sand and held then shard up to my throat. After a few moments of poking the edge into my skin, I let out a sob and swung my arm back into the sand. “I’m so sorry Jimmy. I love you, I really do, I fucking love you”, I cried into the night as I brought my right hand over to my left wrist and took a deep breath.

1… 2… 3…

I pressed the edge into my wrist and slowly dragged it down my skin, after the shock of it washed over me, my body was consumed in pain. Gasping, my hand opened and the bloody shard of glass fell into the sand next to me. Blood started to seep out of the huge gash I had created in my arm. Jerking my head back, I bit down onto my lip.

“What the fuck are you doing, Kimberly!” it was Jimmy.

My eyes snapped back open and started to look around the empty beach. I went to sit up, but my whole entire body was numb from the pain, and I had no more energy, all I could do was look around, wishing he would move into my view. “Jimmy, I can’t see you!” I cried hysterically out into the night.

“How could you fucking do this, Kimbers? You’re stronger than this! What about Johnny and Zacky, and Matt!” All I could do was cry. “What about Brian, Kimbers? He fucking loves you!”

“Jimmy, I miss you.”

“You’re so stupid sometimes, Kimbers. I love you to fucking death, literally, but you’re so fucking stupid” he snapped and I felt a freezing cold wind cover my skin. Shivering, I felt my eyelids grow heavy. “This isn’t going to work, Kimberly Anne Sullivan. I refuse to let you go like this, you have your whole life; how could you be so dumb!”

“I love you so much, why’d you have to go?”

“Close your eyes, Kimbers, everything will be fine.” He whispered.

“No!” My eyelids started to gain more weight than I could hold up. “I… I don’t want to wake up unless you’re here with me!” I waited for a response, even just a small noise to show he was there, but got nothing. My eyelids were growing heavier, and before I knew it, they were fluttering shut. “I’m so sorry”, I whimpered before my eyelids crumbled under the weight and snapped shut sending me into the pitch black unconscious.