Slow Burn

"We all tried to save you, but missed"

Brian Haner’s P.O.V

“Where the fuck could she be?” I screamed on the top of my lungs, clenching my fists as I tried to stop the overbearing urge to slam my fists into the closest wall or person. It had been hours since she ran out of the backyard, house since my fingertips brushed against the fabric of her sleeve, hours since I fucked everything up between me and her, for most likely ever.

The guys didn’t say much or even seem to react to my sudden outburst. Matt stayed in the arm chair, his elbows on his knees, his hands in a praying position, against his nose. Johnny sat on the couch, his fingers rubbing his eyes out of stress. Zacky was standing near the window, his hand shaking as he tried to hold the curtain. Every once in a while he would look down, blink hard, and then go back to staring out of the window.

With a deep breath, I watched Matt stand up and look over at me. “This is all my fucking fault”, he snapped angrily. His hazel eyes lit into fire and as he clenched his fist, he looked down at his shoes and took a shaky inhale. “I should have just fucking left her alone. I should have just given her space. Fucking shit, what could she be doing, where could she be?” He screamed and not a second later, he looked up at the ceiling and mumbled a few things before walking out of the living room and into the back yard. He was probably going for a cigarette. Matt was a smoker, but he could control it better than us. He smokes maybe once a week, if any.

Zacky finally turned away from the window and quickly glanced at Johnny who had his eyes covered and then at me. I kept my eyes in a downcast to my shoes, like he couldn’t see me, but in my peripheral vision, I watched his every move. Slowly, he walked passed me trying not to make any sounds. Once he hit the hallway, he quickly walked down it and into the bathroom.

Curiosity filling me, I followed him. Slowly and quietly walking down the hall, I took a deep breath, and then continued to breathe shallowly, trying to make as little noise as possible. “Fuck”, Zacky snapped in a low whisper causing me to push my body up against the wall. Holding my breath, I listened as the light sound of pills falling filled the room. “Only six left?” My heart started to race from his words. What was he taking, aspirin? We keep that in the other bathroom, unless he got his own bottle.

Suddenly, the water went on and as it shut off, the doorknob jiggled. Heart stopping, I stood up and went to walk away when the door swung open. “Brian?” I quickly turned around, trying to wipe the ‘fucking shit, I’ve been caught’ look off of my face. As he narrowed his eyes at me, the shake still in his hands, I took a deep breath and straightened my back. After a moment, I nodded and took a deep breath, scratching the back of my neck.

“What are you doing over here?”

“Walking”, I shot back quickly and as soon as I realized what I said, bit my bottom lip and leaned back into the wall.

“What are we going to do about Kimberly?” He asked eyes sad.

“Find her”, I blinked hard then took a deep breath and walked away from him, shaking my head. “Fuck Jimmy, I’m trying to find her, just give me a little fucking help, huh?” I whispered to myself as I walked through the house and out of the back door where Matt was still sitting on the stairs, smoking. “Can I bum one off of you?”

Matt took the pack and lighter and threw them over to me without looking. “Keep them”, he stated putting the cigarette between his fingers out on the step. As he flicked it into the yard, he turned to me and shook his head. “I’m quitting. I’ll be inside”, he said shortly and walked away from me, slamming the door shut behind him.

Mind reeling, I leaned back on the stairs, putting all of my weight on one elbow. After placing the paper between my lips and inhaling lightly, there was a loud scream in the house and I quickly sat up, dropping the burning paper between my fingers. “Brian!” Johnny screamed on the top of his lungs. Before I could stand up, he swung the back door open and grabbed my collar. “Your dad saw her, he’s on the phone”, the phone was in my hands before I could say a word. As I put it to my ear to speak, everything that had just happened, everything that was going on came screaming back to the front of my mind.
“Dad?”

“You have to find her, Brian”, my father said sternly. “She had a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Bacardi rum, she-“

“She’s at the beach”, I whispered into the phone as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Suddenly, it just came to me, like it was implanted into my head. “She’s at the fucking beach. Jimmy used to do that all of the time, a bottle of whatever and cigarettes. Fuck why didn’t I think of that sooner!” I screamed and quickly took the phone and threw it onto the concrete. Without even going to check on it, I ran into the house and grabbed the keys to my car.

Matt quickly came up next to me, trying to ask me all o these questions as I walked to the car. When I got there, I snapped a rough ‘get in’, and watched as he got into the passenger’s seat, and Johnny and Zacky quickly got in the back. Without putting on a seat belt or waiting for Johnny to shut the door, I threw the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway. Speeding down the street, I quickly made a few sharp turns and before I realized it, I parked the car in front of the opening to the beach and didn’t even bother to take the keys out.

“Kimberly!” I screamed on the top of my lungs as I used every ounce of energy in me to run onto the beach. “Kimberly, where are you?” I screamed into the dark open space. As my feet slipped in the sand, I looked around, glancing behind me to see the guys spreading out across the beach. When I looked back ahead, my eyes narrowed trying to notice any bumps in the sand, any silhouettes or people walking.

When I didn’t see her, tears welled up in my eyes. She had to be here, this was the last place, the only place we didn’t check. If she wasn’t here, then she was in trouble, more trouble than I could imagine. “Kimberly, just give me-“

“Fuck”, my head snapped in the direction of the small whisper. Waves crashed down against the beach making the rest of the words become a muffled slur. When the beach fell back into silence, all I could hear was Zacky screaming her name in a desperate, regretful, choked up voice.

I ran, ran as fast as I could over to them, and when I found them, my legs crumbled out from beneath me and I fell to my knees, right next to her limp body. “Jesus fucking Christ, Kimberly”, I choked out as I bent down over her, putting my hand on her cold face. Hand shaking, I glanced down at her wrist, dried blood all over it and some spilling off into a puddle in the sand. Eyes fixed on it; I heard Matt’s clear voice talking on the phone. As soon as he stated where we were on the beach, I knew it was the cops, the ambulance. She could be taken away in a body bag right in front of me.

Tears started to pour from my eyes mercilessly. Thoughts rushed into my head, and a nausea feeling filled my body. She could be dead, right in front of me, all because of me, all because I couldn’t handle myself, because I treated her so bad instead of helping her. She lost her best friend, her brother, her family, and when she came back, instead of helping her, letting her know I felt just as bad as she did, I made it seem like I hated her.

I loved her.

“Kimberly”, I grabbed her hand and wished that her hand would squeeze mine. “Kimberly, why are you so dumb? What are you trying to do to us, huh?” My voice was almost a scream, but the tears falling from my eyes kept it down. “I love you, Kimberly, how could you just do this to us! First Jimmy now you? I can’t do it, Kim, you can’t do this to me, and I won’t let you go. You can’t go yet”, I ended in a sob and kissed her clean sand filled hand.

Falling back into the sand, I listened as people started yelling. Trying to pay attention to what was going on; I looked over to see a flashlight shine in my eyes. Squinting, I watched as three EMT’s pushed me out of the way and then tended to Kimberly’s motionless body. There was beeping and screaming and lights going off everywhere. All of it sent me into a dizzy spell and as I tried to move back in the sand, I blacked out.

“Brian, Brian man snap out of it”, I was slapped roughly on the cheek. Pain vibrating through my face, I felt my eyes flutter open, and as I looked around, the girl that was lying near me in the sand was gone. Instead of worrying about the dizziness in my head, abnormal heartbeat, or nauseous feeling, I quickly started asking them where she went, why she wasn’t here. “She’s going to the hospital, Bri.” Zacky said giving me a worried look. All through this, he remained the most calm, and it kind of freaked me out. Usually, when shit like this happened, like when we found Jimmy, Zacky was a complete train wreck. He was shaking and tearing up, and couldn’t even walk a straight line, and now he was fine?

Mouth open, ready to ask him about his calm attitude toward this, I felt my stomach stir violently. Not wanting to make a scene or throw up, I clenched my jaw shut and pushed my body until I was on all fours.

How could this all be happening? How could I be losing everyone? Why is everything changing so fast? First Jimmy dies. Then Kimberly comes back. Zacky and Johnny act like nothing happened. Matt and her just fight. Kimberly loses it. Matt gives up smoking. Zacky starts handling his emotions well and taking pills in the bathroom. Kimberly smokes and drinks worse than all of us put together, and now she’s lying in an ambulance, possibly dead. What else could change, what else could possibly go wrong?

Feeling sick, I pulled myself to my feet and looked over at the water. Staring at the waves crashing down, all I could think about was how Kay, Jimmy, and I used to sit on the beach when the other guys were busy, sip our beers, and just watch the wave’s crash. If Jimmy and I got wasted enough we’d go swimming, leaving Kimberly glowing with a smile on the beach.

The good days, when everything was perfect.

“Come on, Brian”, Zacky put his hand on my shoulder and started dragging my body with his through the sand over to the entrance of the beach that was vacant of the ambulance and Kimberly. “I’ll drive. We’ll go meet Johnny at the hospital-“

“Why did that little fucker get to go?” I snapped angrily. Johnny and Kimberly were really good friends, but at a time like this, I should be with her. I cared about her more than any of these guys, I mean look at them. Emotionless, just like how they were with Jimmy. It was like they didn’t understand what was going on, what could potentially happen. “What is wrong with you”, I screamed finally ripping my arm away from Zacky. “You guys don’t even look like you give a fuck about Kimberly. She could be dead for all we know, and you two are acting like nothing is wrong!” I screamed throwing my arms into the air.

“Listen, I understand this is hard for you”, Matt said through clenched teeth, “But we all have different ways of coping with this kind of shit, and I’m not going to lose my mind yet. If something is really wrong with her-“

“She tried to kill herself”, I screamed into his face, “How much worse could she possibly get?” They didn’t understand, did they? She could die. Do they not get that; do they just not care? “You would think you would actually feel bad since you treated her like a fucking five year old the whole time”, I quickly jerked my eyes to Zacky, “And what about you? You two were so close, best fucking friends, and now you don’t give a fuck about her? Was that all a game because you felt bad about her, or is there something you’re not fucking telling us”, I snapped lightly touching on the subject of the pills at the end. When he didn’t respond and started walking faster, I crossed my arms against my chest, dug my nails into the opposite arm and tried to control the rage boiling inside of me.

There was a think silence that hung in the car as Zacky sat in the driver’s seat, Matt sat in the passengers seat looking out of the window, and I stayed in the back, my eyes filled to the brim with more self-loathing tears. No matter what Matt said, or what anyone said, it felt like her doing this was my fault. If I would have just held in those three stupid words, everything would be fine. We were friends, that's all we were supposed to be. Jimmy may have thought otherwise, as well as all of the guys, but they were wrong. Kimberly and I will be friends, and that's it.

My stomach stayed in a knot through the whole ride. Tears refused to stay in my eyes, and before I could comprehend what I was doing, my hands were shaking violently, like someone had given me an extreme overdose of caffeine. Sighing heavily, I jerked my head back and watched out of the window as the streets grew busy, and soon the only thing in my view was the huge hospital, red and blue flashing lights everywhere.

Just the thought of a hospital made me queasy. The air inside was stale, the rooms were white and dreary with an eerie one light that illuminated the bed. It smelled like bleach and hand sanitizer, and the waiting rooms and hallways were always filled with depressed, crying people. Now to think that the sick person was Kimberly, illuminated by the awkward fluorescent light, and we were the ones crying and looking like hell in the hallway, it drove me absolutely crazy.

“Brian, let's go”, Zacky snapped and flung the back door open. Turning to get out, I looked up at him and watched as his eyes jerked from mine and his fists clenched at his side. Ignoring his problem with me, probably because I made a slight reference to whatever he was doing in the bathroom. Whatever, there were more important things to worry about then one of my best friends possible drug problems.

Following behind Matt, we walked through the parking lot and over to the front desk. When we reached it, Matt cleared his throat and sent the girl behind the counter a smile. When the brunette looked up at Matt, she nearly melted in her seat. Her eyes grew, her cheeks tinted red, and she leaned back in her chair, her finger twirling a piece of her brown curly hair. “What can I do for you, sir?” She lightly bit her bottom lip. What the fuck, were we at a strip club disguised as a Hospital or something, was this a joke?

“Could you give us a little help?” Matt asked his smile fading.

“It all depends on what you need some help with”, she scrunched her nose and smiled. Matt's smile dripped off of his face.

“We're trying to find out friend, she-”

“How about you smile again?” Matt rolled his eyes and went to smile. I cut him off.

“Listen”, I pushed passed Matt and slammed my fist down on the counter. She gasped and quickly turned to me, that flirty look torn from her face, replaced with a look of shock. “I need to find my friend, so it would be awesome if you could do your fucking job and stop flirting with my friend who, in case you were wondering, has been going out with the same girl since they were in the seventh grade. So you're little show, nibbling on your lip like you were in the fourth grade, is not going to do shit-”, Zacky quickly pulled me away and shoved me back.

“We need to find the room Kimberly Sullivan is in, Miss”, Zacky sent her a smirk and she nodded sending a weak smile back at him. After a few minutes, she wrote out three passes and handed them to Zacky with a small smile. “Thank you”, Zacky sent her another smirk and then turned to Matt and I and handed us our passes. “Brian, learn to shut the fuck up, huh?”

“Fuck you, Zacky”, I roared and looked down at the pass and started to walk away from them. The room was 235 on the second floor. After walking down the hall to the elevator, I walked inside and leaned against the back wall. Looking over at the number pad, I sighed and waited for Matt to walk in. When he did, I informed him to hit the second floor button. Once it was lit, the doors slid shut and as the metal box I was in vibrated, I leaned my head back and shut my eyes.

The two boys with me whispered about something that I couldn't catch onto. There was a pounding in my head that felt like a hammer to the back of the head that made it impossible for me to listen or concentrate on anything. The only thing that I could think about was the loud ring and the doors sliding open, then running through the hallways and into the room she was in. I wanted to see her beautiful green eyes wide open. I wanted to see her soft pink plump lips smile. I wanted the old Kimberly back. I knew it wasn't going to happen, but I can wish, can't I?

When the doors slid open, my heart nearly stopped beating and as the two boys in front of me walked out, a wave of fear washed over me. What if she didn't want to see me? What if she hated me? What if she was sleeping and woke up and started yelling at me? What if-

My thoughts were interrupted as Matt grabbed my shirt and dragged me out of the elevator and down the hall. “Everything's going to be fine, man”, he sighed heavily. “If anything was wrong, Johnny would have called us, you know that”, nodding feeling a little better with Matt's words in my head, he let go of my shirt and I dragged me stressed out body down the hall. After we made a left down another hall, the guys abruptly stop sending me stumbling into Matt's back.

Matt cleared his throat and then shook his head. “Matt man, are you alright?” Zacky glanced over at him, worried. Nodding, Matt ran a hand through his hair and then quickly took off down the hallway. When we walked passed the spot where Matt had stopped short and stared, I noticed a boy sitting in the waiting room. His hair was black and short, he was really tall, and by the way he sat, it looked exactly like the way Jimmy used to sit on the couch in the basement, drinking a beer.

A strong shiver ran through my spine as I directed my eyes back to the hallway. If I did end up getting forced to leave tonight, there was no way I was walking through this hallway with that kid here. I was put through enough shit in the last three days, I didn't need to see my dead best friend's fucking doppelganger now.

“This is the room, I guess Johnny's in there”, he knocked on the door and then a few seconds later, opened it and walked in. Zacky quickly walked in behind him, leaving the door open for me to walk in, but something inside of me kept my feet nailed to the ground. All of the fright that was inside of me now found the surface. What if she still hated me? How could I handle her crying and screaming at me to leave after I just lost my mind thinking she was going to die.

I stood in the doorway for a few more minutes, trying to listen to see if anyone was talking in the room, but my pounding headache still managed to keep alter the usually amazing hearing I had. Looking up at the opened door, I felt my legs go weak, and instead of running into the room, I bit down roughly on my bottom lip and sat down in the plastic chairs in the hallway. I was a pussy, I know I was acting like one, but I just couldn't will myself to do it. I just can't bare to see her angry at me after everything I went through today.

My body stayed in that small plastic chair for three hours. For an hour and a half, I had drifted into a light sleep. When the guys walked out, Johnny kicked my chair sending me into a heap on the floor. As I sat up and looked over at them, he scowled and turned away from me. “The fucker goes crazy then he gets to see her, and he's too big of a pussy to go in.”

“Shut up Johnny”, Matt said glancing back at me as I looked up at the room, mortified. “He's been through a lot.” The conversation ended there, and instead of the guys taking the seats in the waiting room down the hall where that boy was sitting, they kept walking around the bend and probably right into the elevator. I didn't get angry about it. I wanted to stay here with Kimberly, I wanted to never leave her side when she's here, but I just couldn't will myself to go in.

Sitting there, face in my hands, I listened as someone walked up to me, a few seconds later there was a hand on my shoulder. “Son, are you alright?” My head shot up and I looked into the dark blue eyes of an older man in a white doctors coat. Worried expression on his face, he glanced at the open door to Kimberly's room and then back to me. “You know Kimberly is doing just fine, right?” he asked. My eyes lightened up, then nodded. I'm sure if there was something wrong the guys would have told me.

“I'm... I don't think she wants to see me, and I don;t want to bother her if-” The doctor walked away from me, leaving me very confused and a little offended. He was the one that had to be nosy, now that I spoke to him he just walked away? Another thing I can add onto the list of things I love about hospitals.

A few minutes later, the doctor walked back over to me and gave me a warm smile. “Brian, is it?” I nodded, eyes wide with confusion. “Kimberly wants to see you, son”, he said and gave me a little pat on the back before walking down the hall reading something on a clip board that was handed to him by a nurse.

She wanted to see me. Why would she want to see me. Did she want to yell at me? Maybe that's why she wanted to see me, to scream at me about how stupid I was, messing up our friendship. After a few more minutes of fighting with myself, I stood up from the chair and without taking a minute to think this over, I walked right into the room and closed the door behind me. Looking down, I sucked in a deep breath and then looked up.

Kimberly sat there in her bed with a bowl of cereal which I guessed was Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Her bright green eyes were directed toward the flat screen television that was hanging on the wall in front of her playing some odd cartoon that I had never seen with a small purple dog with weird teeth, I think one had a hole in it. After getting caught up in the cartoon, I felt my body lean up against the wall.

“Brian?” her voice was strained and soft. As it wrapped around my throat and filled my head, I turned toward her and just stared. Her eyes were glassy, her left wrist was wrapped in medical tape, and her body looked small and weak in the gown she was wearing. Running her right hand through her hair, she took a deep breath and looked down at her lap. “I understand that you didn't want to come in, or see me, but-”

I quickly walked up to her and sat down on the side of her bed. “I was afraid to come in”, I said in a hushed tone. I was somewhat embarrassed and still a little paranoid that she would tell me to leave. “I figured you would hate me after what I said and did. I treated you like shit all those days and then this happens, I felt like it was all my fault. It is all my fault”, Kimberly's eyes were huge as I finished speaking.

“I thought you would really kill me for trying this. I figured you hated me, so when the guys came in and you didn't-”

“Kimberly, I kind of do want to kill you, but the guys and I should have seen this coming. I mean, the way you were acting, we should have known. I swore I would take care of you”, I turned my body toward her and took her hand in mine, running my thumb over the top of hers. “and then this happens? I felt like I let you down, I felt like I let Jimmy down, and it killed me. I went craxzy trying to find you, and when we did, I lost it”, I looked over at her as tears fell from her eyes. Taking a deep breath, I leaned over and wiped them off of her face. Once they were gone, I set a soft kiss on her cheek and then pulled away.

The room fell silent and as I sat there, I turned my vision back onto the television and that odd cartoon. Getting caught up in it again, I felt a hand grab mine, and as I glanced down, I saw Kimberly''s small hand over mine. With a smile on my face, we both sat there and watched the cartoon. The dog, which I found out to be name 'Courage' was trying to save his owners from weird ducks that came in a UFO. As he ran over to use the computer, it spit back a sarcastic remark. Kimberly giggled.

“The computer always made me and Jimmy laugh”, I immediately frowned. “I would probably be crying if they didn't slip me a pain killer for the stitches in my arm.” Chuckling, she picked up her hand in mine and held it up to her face. “I missed this you”, she informed me closing one eye and then looking over at me. After putting our hands back down, she opened the other eye and then glanced at the clock. “I'm sure visiting hours are ending soon”, she bit down on her bottom lip.

“I want to stay”, I whispered looking up at her, “if you don't want me to-”

Kimberly quickly shooed me off of the bed then pulled the blanket back and moved all the way to the other side of the bed. With a small smile, she looked over at me and patted the open spot in the bed. “Just like old time, eh?' Clearing my throat, I looked over at her and nodded. Kicking off my shoes, I carefully crawled in bed next to her and pulled the covers up a little. The bed was small, smaller than the ones she had at her house, and when she turned to me, her face was inches from mine. Looking down from her intense green eyes, I spotted her wrist wrapped in the medical tape. Inhaling sharply, I reached over and grabbed her left hand. Pulling her wrist toward me, I traced my fingertips along the tape.

Kimberly tried to kill herself. I blinked hard as I looked down at the little space between us. Everyone was changing, Matt was going clean, Zacky was taking pills, I finally told Kimberly how I felt, the only person that managed to stay the same was Johnny, but with how things are going, he'll probably do something absurd soon.

“Everything's back to normal, right”, Kimberly mumbled drowsily as she wrapped her arms around me and rested her head in her chest. After a small yawn, she shut her eyes and minutes later her breathing was light; she was out.

With a heavy sigh, I kissed the top of her head then rested my head back on the pillow and shut my eyes.

“Not even close, Kay. Nowhere near it.”