Past Lives

As I strained against Ads, all I could think of doing was punching Ryan as hard as I could. Or castrating him with the hockey stick in my closet. Or both, really. I couldn't believe that he was engaged. To be married. In two weeks. Ads had gotten really good at pinning my arms behind my back.

Ryan turned to leave and as he said, "I'm sorry, Jamie," all I could do was yell at him. There was no way I could form coherent sentences at that point. I was just so angry. I turned my anger on Brooks.

"Jamie, I was apolog-"

"Maybe you should leave too, Brooks." I glared at him. "You know what happens with my pent up rage."

Brooks looked like he wanted to add something, but thought better of it. Instead, he walked to the back door. Before opening it, he looked back at Ads. "I'll talk to you later."

Once he was successfully out of my reach, Ads let me go and I looked for something I could break. I hadn't been this angry in years. Every fiber of my being was vibrating. I felt myself shaking with anger. All I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs. I paced around the frozen porch in my sweatpants and tank top, running my hands through my hair. I was ready to snap.

As I sucked in the air for a scream, Ads pulled me into a hug. "Hey...hey..." Instead of a scream, my frustration came out in tears. I was just so angry.

"I slept with him." I couldn't shake it. I had slept with a man who was basically married. "I slept with him." I felt like a whore. I useless, dirty whore. It wasn't exactly my first one-night stand, but it was definitely the first with a guy who was engaged.

Ads tried to calm me down. But then that reminded me of trying to make her feel better after Brooks. "And Brooks!" I stepped back from her. "Who the hell does he think he is? He shows up at our house after all he's done and-"

"Jamie."

"Expects you to just come crawling back t-"

"Jamie."

"him like some puppy?"

"Jamie!"

I looked at her. She shook her head. "Jamie...I..." She looked at me and seemed like she was about to punch herself. I could tell this was something big, so I just kept my mouth shut for once. After a second, Ads sighed. "I'm still in love with him."

I fought back a laugh. "About time you admit it."

She pushed me. "I'm serious. Jamie, I still really love him. But..." Ads bit her lip. "I really like Max."

I didn't know what to say. I knew she liked Max; it was obvious. But at the same time, Max's reputation was a hard one to forget. I didn't know what to tell her. As I was about to open my mouth, though, Max walked outside, yawning.

"You do realize that it's almost 4:45 in the morning and it's freezing, right?" He looked at us both. "Who was at the door?"

I jumped in. "Some drunk who went to the wrong house. He couldn't figure out why his key wouldn't work." I swore I saw Ads smile out of the corner of my eye.

Max laughed. "Not surprised." He reached out for Ads' hand. "Come back inside. It's too cold."

We walked back inside. Upstairs, I said my goodnights before going to my room. Once there, however, I grabbed my phone and sent an identical text to Ads and Scuds.

Lunch tomorrow at 17th Cafe.

If anyone could help, Scuds could.

I sat down on my bed and hugged my pillow to my chest. Stuffing my face into its cushiony wonderfulness, I let my tears flow. Ryan had been perfect while everything was a lie. Now that I knew, I couldn't handle the truth.

My phone buzzed and I wiped my eyes so I could read the text. It was from Scuds.

My treat.